"popp"ing out one letter at a time

Aryssa Mae

2009-10-30T09:27:00.001-05:00

my niece is here!!

she decided to come on her own without having me or my mom there to welcome her. i should've called when dustin was awake at one thirty this morning and we would've made it. amy and grant waited too long to call...because a half hour after they called aryssa was born. at 3:15!! she weighed 5 lbs 4 ounces and was 18 1/2 inches long. her apgar scores were great 8 and 9. she is spending some time in the nicu. and could be there for a week to six weeks depending on how she does with everything. so far she's doing just great. here's a picture of my niece. it feels weird to say that!

thanks everyone for your prayers and everything through the past few days. even though aryssa decided to follow 'her' own plans and not the 'doctors' amy and grant couldn't be happier to have their little girl. and really who am i kidding...it's GOD'S plan! looks like he had a good one...you know..again. :0)

and if you're interested in a few more pics here's a link to my facebook album.

UPDATE ON MY SISTER!! URGENT PRAYER REQUEST

2009-10-28T08:27:00.000-05:00

A PRAYER REQUEST TO ALL MY BLOGGING BUDDIES...PLEASE PRAY FOR MY SISTER, WHO IS ABOUT 33 WEEKS PREGNANT! SHE IS SPENDING THE NIGHT IN LABOR AND DELIVERY BECAUSE OF CONTRACTIONS. THEY ARE GIVING HER DRUGS TO STOP IT, SHE IS ONE CM DIALATED. PRAY FOR PEACE AND GOD'S WILL THROUGH ALL OF IT. SHE IS HAVING A GIRL. SO PRAY FOR BABY GIRL K!! THANKS THANKS THANKS!

UPDATE: amy's water broke this morning at 1AM she still hasn't talked to the dr about the 'next steps' through all of it. right now i'm planning on sitting up there today with them after dustin's one year check up. so please continue to pray for them and for baby k. and for me too...i've only ever 'done' labor, not helped with labor. but amy asked if i'd come.

thanks for the prayers guys! and please pass this prayer request on if you feel led!! god is good and will be glorified through all of it. please pray that i can be a light to my sister and her hubby and the dr's and nurses.

some more of the trip.

2009-10-27T14:16:00.000-05:00

i'll quick post about the next part of our trip to new england...with connecticut as our destination.

what really 'sparked' this trip. was a great friend i had made online. michelle and i got along so great and on so many levels. i kept saying it'd be soooo cool to meet her in 'real life'. and i talked to shaun about driving to see her. he thought i was 'half serious'...but all that half serious turned into...LET'S DO IT! so we started planning the trip.

we drove through ohio and pennsylvania. then there was a crazy part of pennsylvania. it was insane. drivers were crazy. at one point we just had to pull to a rest stop to...rest. literally. we both were just crazy. it was a bit of a shady rest stop. but we survived and made some peanut butter sandwiches. yummy! i love just peanut butter sandwiches.

we ventured on then through pennsylvania and onto new york. where crazy fast driving continued. did i mention...on not very straight roads? and on mountain like terrain? we were not in wisconsin anymore!! there was also a scary bridge in new york that we had to pay to get on and cars from the most left lane needed to get to the most right lane in a hurry and didn't care that they cut you off. we were very watchful! when we saw the sign for connecticut we were SO happy. so happy to have made it to the state. we checked into our hotel. it was super nice and super cheap!! i called michelle to let her know we had made it. also to say how it isn't wisconsin anymore.

i'm serious. the speed limit is 65. people do 80. speed limit slows down to 55. people do 80. unless there is a cop. then they slam on their brakes. seriously...i think the cop knows how you were speeding up to him! i will be honest and say i contemplated skipping nyc after driving in new england. i mean HOW was nyc going to be. but i took the advice of our pastor's wife, be 'in the moment' we were in connecticut not nyc. so be IN connecticut!!

the first night we were there we hung out with michelle and her cool family. her son was so surprised we had came all that way 'just' to meet his mom. :0) we got some pointers on what to do and see and decided to do the aquarium in mystic the next day. and the night after that michelle's husband promised to cook us supper to spend our last night together.

the aquarium in mystic was SO COOL!! we don't have aquariums very close to us and it was the first time any of us had been to one. we pet sting rays and sea stars (star fish...which really are not fish) saw a sea lion show. and loved experiencing all the animals. it was so cool. the kids had a great time. and michelle scored us a discount!

after spending the day at the aquarium we checked out mystic village. it has a bunch of quaint little shops. little. as in too little to really 'enjoy' with two strollers and eight arms grabbing. so we didn't see inside all of them. but shaun did manage to find some cool kites. he's wanted some nice and 'cool' kites.

after our day in mystic. we decided to find the ocean. so we drove over to rhode island. which was like a half hour? away. we found it. the ocean. and it was beautiful. i LOVE the ocean. and most all of us did. except caitlyn. she hated it. she doesn't like sand for some reason and screamed most of the time we were there. but here's a video from the trip to the ocean....

after the ocean we went back to our hotel. and enjoyed watching biggest loser!! woo hoo. one nice thing is that shows are on an hour later than we're used to on the east coast. biggest loser is the only show i watch that i 'caught' the whole week..but i'm not complaining! i'd miss all my shows for another family vacation!!

the next day we headed out to a museum all about the native americans that originally were in connecticut. it was very cool...but cameras weren't allowed! i was very bummed though because we missed michelle's kids' science fair. i thought it ran until 230. we got there at 220. and i found out they had to be OUT by 230. so we missed it. ((sorry again michelle)) in between missing the science fair and supper we found a cool mcdonald's to play at. the mcdonald's ROCKED! it had a HUGE playland. the kids loved it and made two little friends while we were there as well. then we went off to michelle's.

michelle's hubby rocked supper. he made us chicken tacos...made with wildtree taco seasoning of course! and we just enjoyed supper and fellowship. michelle even let us eat on her 'fancy' pier one mexican dishes. that's how special we were!! AND we got to drink out of her fanciest glasses! what a rockin' hostess!! josh treated us to a mini-concert and the girls loved playing with michelle's daughter. the night drew to a close and i was super bummed our visit to connecticut was over! we had such a blast with michelle's family! her son was super happy to take a picture of michelle and i though with my camera. (and he is super cool and totally deserves one of his own!!)

as we got back to our hotel we rounded up a bit of our things for the night and slept well...the best night the whole trip...due to the best apple crisp dessert for supper i'm sure!

and the next morning...we headed off on our next adventure...NYC...

you were wondering.

2009-10-23T08:40:00.000-05:00

well not YOU you perhaps. but someone was. because they comment anon i cannot answer their question privately. so i must do it this way, because i'm thinking they'd like to know the answer. i'll do my best.

this is what they/you were wondering: "I'm wondering though (and wondering nicely) why it is so important to have more babies. And so soon. You are blessed with four. Some people are never blessed with one."

first off, thanks for wondering nicely. and for asking nicely. i've had loads of mean anon comments before and it's nice to have a nicely put one!!

now to answer. 'why is it so important'. and i honestly can't explain that why. it's just a desire in my heart to have more babies. i have the desire to have more babies, to be a mom to more babies. i can't explain it other than it's a desire in my heart. and shaun's. we've talked about it a lot lately, especially since losing the two babies this summer. we still have that desire to have more children. now i'm not saying that people with no children don't have that desire, because i know they do. i had the same desire after we miscarried our first baby. i'm just saying that i 'still' have the desire. and really? what's wrong with that desire? it's ultimately up to god if we have more children. i have no control over it at all. none. do i know why god gives me more children before he gives someone else their first? no. i don't understand it either. i don't understand why women who have that desire for children sometimes never get it filled. but that's the thing...i don't need to understand why. i just have to trust god and his plan and that he sees our whole pictures. if we end up not having any more children am i going to be mad at god? absolutely not.

i don't want it to seem that i don't treasure the four children i already have. because i SO do. more than words could ever ever express. i think because i treasure them so much it makes me want more to treasure?. i don't know i guess. i am happy with the four (on earth) children he's given to me and can't wait to meet my three in heaven some day. and i'd be happy if those numbers stay the same or get bigger. i guess i want to know, is it really wrong to desire more children?

so soon. hmm. well i guess 'soon' is what the normal has been for us. i truly think it'll be weird if we get pregnant to have dustin be almost two or two before we have the next baby. i've been used to a one year old and then a newborn. 'soon' is fine with me. 'later' is fine with me. and i'm the one taking care of them, so really does it matter that much to you if i have a baby every year? and the more people i meet, the more i realize they're doing it too.

when we were in ohio for vacation we went to calvary chapel cleveland. ((great church!!)) do you want to know that with people with more than one kid...we were one of the SMALLEST families. the pastor himself had 14 (and recently miscarried a baby in may), i met a mom with 8 and one on the way, others we heard had 11 and 13 children! big families aren't something stared at? is what i was thinking. around here most of the time we get stared at and rude things said to about our family. i must say for the first time in my life i felt so welcome in a state where four children was just a 'start' to a family. shaun and i said we might as well move to ohio...lol. i think he was just kidding? because it just wasn't at the church where bigger families were accepted lovingly, ((i will say our church is the exact same way...ours is just the biggest family because there are only a few young couples with kids that are a part of the church.)) the resturaunts we ate at it was nothing to them. usually someone says something! everywhere we went we didn't feel like some sort of 'show'...it was so nice.

when it comes down to it, i don't understand the women who don't want children, or who only want a few. and they don't understand how i could possibly want one or more children. and that's fine. i think we all have different desires and how boring would the world be if we were all the same?

do i see myself with fourteen kids? mmm. probably not. with five or six...sure. like i said i'm leaving it up to god. i know i would love more...but i'd also love it if we just have the four we have. i feel like i've talked in a big circle. and i hope i make sense.

so it's not super important to have more babies...i'd just love to have more. soon? doesn't matter...it just seems normal to me. and yes i have four. i'm truly blessed. and my heart break for the ones who have none. it truly does. i don't understand the heartache of having no children and wanting one...but i understand the heartache of being pregnant and so excited to have one...and then lose it. that happened to us the first time we were pregnant...and again the last two times. we all have different heartaches. mine is no worse than yours. we just have to remember we have such a loving god who is in control!

and i don't know much about you who asked. maybe you're struggling with wanting children and don't have any yet. all i know is you use aol.com as a domain. and your ip address is in kansas. (thanks sitemeter) but i do know that i'll pray for you, ms. (i'm assuming) anon. praying that god gives you the desires of your own heart. and to know that he is good. all the time.

so. now to "you" who were wondering about our vacation...

it was such a blast. i'll touch on a bit of it today and finish on about it over the next few posts.

we left early in the morning on october 10th. right ON schedule. insanely enough we were on time. i KNEW it was going to be a good trip then!

when we hit chicago something strange happened. i wasn't nervous or anxious!! god truly kept me calmed and answered prayers! he also placed in my heart songs that spoke right to me. it was SO cool. the only time i freake a little was with the chicago skyway toll bridge.

see it up there?! it was a big bridge. but it went well. and on the way home i didn't even get the least bit freaked out!! so god is soo good and faithful to answer and hear our prayers!!

we made it through indiana just fine. it's a long state. but has very nice rest stops on the interstate. the interstate however is ridiculous expensive to pay for. lol. i'm so glad wisconsin doesn't have tolls!

then we made it to ohio. we were close to our hotel. ohio also has nice rest stops. and is just as expensive as indiana. but oh well. when we made it to our hotel we were all excited. it was nine hours of driving. but totalled about 12 hours of a trip with our stops. my husband is the opposite of my father. he doesn't mind stopping a lot and actually he needs to stop more than me. probably because i've been trained to wait. lol.

in ohio we swam in the pool. and then woke up the next morning and went to church. calvary chapel cleveland. it was a great service and i made a friend! after that we ate some lunch and then went to an apple orchard i was told we 'had' to go to. and i'm glad we did it was a lot of fun for the kiddos.

they had free baskets of apples for everyone. the girls loved them. dustin had a few bites too!

they were making fresh kettle corn. and shaun and dustin had to check that out!!

we stayed there for a few hours and it was so fun. we drove a bit into cleveland on our way back to our hotel. didn't really do much else there. but it was so nice to just have the time to do whatever we wanted and whenever we wanted.

we stayed in cleveland til monday morning. early. we we on the road a little later than i planned...because I overslept...and didn't hear my alarm. so god totally woke me up and we were on our way to a little state called connecticut...

stay tuned for our great visit to connecticut. and if you want to see all the pictures from our trip here they are from my facebook page.

oh and i took some pictures of dustin yesterday for his birthday...here is the link to those!

enjoy and have a great weekend!! i have a wildtree party tomorrow and shaun gets to work this weekend! and we're going to shaun's mom's house for dinner on sunday...dinner for dinner. not dinner for lunch. :0)

a year old!?!

2009-10-22T16:30:00.001-05:00

yikes! dustin is a year old today!! where has the year gone?! would someone PLEASE tell me! just a year ago i was praying he was going to be born soon. three hours later he would be.

i can't believe how fast it's gone. but man my little boy is such a blessing to me. and to our family. i couldn't imagine our family without little dustin. awww. when we found out we were having a boy, i was super excited. but also wondered...what in the world am i going to do with a boy?! i had a sister. i had three girls before him. it was all girls before him. oh but our world changed for the better with our little boy. he's a great 'change' to the family. and as crazy as it seems to have four kids under four...i couldn't imagine it any differently...and pray that it'll become five under five. :0)

so happy birthday my little man!! keep on keeping on...but please hold off on walking for awhile, like your sisters did. i'm not ready for that yet! my little boy is not so little any more!!

i found his shirt at h&m...dad + mum = me. perfect i thought for his birthday. lol. and if you're interested in reading dustin's birth story..here's a link to that!

i'm hoping to get back on track by next week with my blog reading and posting. and of course i have to tell you all about our wonderful vacation!!

oh and i keep forgetting...last week on vacation i got a call from my dr's office. guess what?! shaun and i's blood testing came back all 'normal'. neither of us have anything wrong with our chromosomes. PRAISE GOD!! woo hoo!!

fifty fabulous facts.

2009-10-21T09:15:00.000-05:00

so. here's the scoop. this was supposed to have published last week. it didn't. grr. so i'm doing it now. and telling you all...i'm HOME!! yep. i was gone all last week. we were in ohio, connecticut, new york city, and ohio again. it was a blessed trip. i have a ton of pictures...and just as much laundry. so stay tuned for trip posts coming soon!! for now i'm off to get ready for the day and you can enjoy these little 'tidbits' of information...

i saw this on a friend's blog. so i'm copying. it's just fifty fabulous facts about myself. yep fifty. hopefully it doesn't bore you to death...it's also an 'easy' blog post for the day!! enjoy.

1. i am the oldest of two children. i have one younger sister. and one younger dog brother. my mom seriously calls him our brother. his name is ernie.

2. i can be. and am. very bossy. it must be because of number one. ((seriously if i tell my sister to do something for me, she'll do it without asking questions...i've got her 'trained'. shaun yells at me all the time for doing it...and the sad thing is...i don't even realize i'm doing it.))

3. i notice those same bossy traits in my oldest daughter.

4. my relationship with jesus christ is by far the most important thing in my life.

5. sometimes i struggle with number four. but then i realize that he loves me more than anyone. even shaun. and he loves my kids more than me. what a god. what a father.

6. i talk really really fast in real life. and it's been said my blog takes on that same trait. ((so do you read it really fast?!?! do you?! do you?! come on!!))

7. i'm also very shy until you get to know me. then number six happens.

8. i was shaun's only girlfriend. ((awww...))

9. we were virgins on our wedding night. ((not that it wasn't easy. but it was so worth it))

10. i love blogging and meeting new friends through blogging. it's a whole entire different family.

11. i've met a ton of blogging buddies in real life. and think it's the most exciting thing ever!

12. i love taking pictures. and wish i had a ton of money to open up a studio-ish type thing and do it ''professionally-ish''. i also love photoshop elements, but wish i had the 'real' photoshop.

13. i recently paid off our best buy credit card. which means my camera is offically ALLLLL mine and paid in full.

14. we're working on paying off the two other plastic cards we have. and then can be officially credit card free!! ((i'm super excited for that day))

15. i would love another lens for my camera. but my money tree hasn't grown yet.

16. i'm not really obsessed with money. it seems that way but i'm not. i KNOW and trust that god provides for our family.

17. i used to think i wanted 'one' more baby. my mind has been thinking more than that lately...

18. out of the seven pregnancies i've had...three of the tests have been taken in a wal*mart bathroom stall.

19. i have four kiddos here on earth. three girls and a boy. and three babies in hevan. one of which is a boy. the other two we don't know...yet.

20. i'm very stubborn. must be the german in me...or something like that...

21. i LOVE to play games. i think i'm a pretty decent loser...but i love to win!!

22. i love to scrapbook. but am seriously..YEARS behind. my philosophy is that the pictures will always be there.

23. my biggest 'fear' is fire. i'm always planning what we'd do if a fire started. who i'd grab. then what i'd grab.

24. i also do not like mice, rats...basically any small rodent. especially if they make it into my house. a dead mouse/rat is a HAPPY dead mouse/rat.

25. are you still with me?! we're only half way done...i love numbers. really i do. like when a clock says 1:11. i love it. or when it was 09/09/09 this year?! totally cool. i was sercretly bummed when amelya was not born on march fourth. her birthday would've been 03/04/05. (she was born the next day) and i was excited when my dr had her baby on may 5th of that year...05/05/05.

26. i am obsessed with gas prices. i just like knowing what they are.

27. my kids' names are alphabetical. a,b,c,d but we didn't orignially intend on doing that. we just did a then b. and figured we couldn't stop. okay I figured we couldn't. but really it makes 'sense' if you know me that my kids names alphabetical.

28. before i had kids all of our dvds were alphabetized. and it secretly drives me crazy that they aren't still that way...i tried believe me.

29. even though i'm organized that kind of way...i'm a terrible housekeeper. i have been getting better though.

30. when i was younger i wanted to be an architect. the i realized i didn't want to be because of all the math. i even did an architect explorers group and our group got first place for our model and design.

31. as i got older and in high school...i LOVE math. still do. statistics are fascinating to me. as well as algebra.

32. but i do not like geometry. blech.

33. i'm homeschooling my kids. and love it.

34. i went to the university of wisconsin-oshkosh for one year. i was going to double major in elementary and special education.

35. i learned the most about myself during that year at oshkosh than any year prior to that.

36. i feel that you should not pressure your kids to go to college. it should be their choice, and they should pay for most of it to teach them responsibility. besides that, you can tell which kids' parents are paying for college at college.

37. when i decided to not go back to college was the first time i really felt god speaking to me and guiding my life. i haven't looked back since.

38. shaun and i were only engaged for 10 months before our wedding. we didn't live together before and couldn't wait to just do it. ((get married!! geesh... ;0) ))

39. shaun is super duper shy. but he's slowly coming out of his shell.

40. i'm obsessed with making these goofy smiley faces: :0) and use them all the time. so much in fact according to some crazy facebook application it's my most used 'word'.

41. i worked at a daycare for almost four years before having amelya. it was quite the experience and i believe helped me tremendously prepare for motherhood.

42. i never intended on becoming a stay at home mom. until i held amelya in my arms.

43. amelya was my first baby and weighed over nine pounds. nine pounds four ounces to be exact. i've been induced with each baby afterwards to avoid another big baby.

44. i absolutely love to read. i will stay up all night finishing a good book. my favorite author is karen kingsbury. she is the first author to make me bawl my eyes out. i feel a connection with the characters she writes about.

45. i've craved tacos with each of my pregnancy. crunchy ones. just to hear the crunch. and taste the grease.

46. i LOVE cheese. but 'real' cheese...not that processed plastic cheese.

47. i am the world's pickiest eater. if it smells gross i won't eat it. even if it looks good.

48. i love my soda warm. no ice please.

49. i'm addicted to tv. i love it. especially all those crazy reality shows...survivor, amazing race, biggest loser.

50. i use cloth diapers. i'm trying to eat more 'naturally'. and have started using natural cleaning products. BUT have no issues with using disposables on a vacation. eating at mcdonald's. or letting shaun use windex. (seriously i get headaches from windex and all the other cleaning stuff with those nasty chemicals in them)

whew. did you make it?! you may have already known some of those things. but it was fun to do!! if you decide to play the same fabulous game...let me know...so i can be nosy and read it. that's i guess 51. i am super duper nosy and stare at people all the time. :0)

sweet story

2009-10-12T08:38:00.009-05:00

i've been meaning to share this story and keep forgetting.

the other week at church the kiddos drew pictures of heaven. i always try to talk to amelya about her work. i asked her what she drew and we talked about it. then she said this: i wanted to draw the babies. but i didn't know how.

i was speechless. (shocker!) i stared at her with tears in my eyes and said...oh amelya. thank you.

as i sat in the van thinking about it, i was so blessed. my four year old baby girl. remembered. she remembered my babies. her brother and brothers or sisters. and then it hit me as i thought about it over the next few days.

i'm not the only one who remembers. i'm not the only one who lost a baby. there were grandparents and a nana who lost grandchildren. aunties who lost nephew(s) and niece(s). sisters and a brother who lost a sister(s) and a brother(s). and a daddy who lost a son(s) and daughter(s). and a multitude of others who aren't closely related by blood..but still lost the chance at meeting our babies.

i realize. it's not only about me losing a baby. a whole bunch of other people did too. and then i feel sorry that i feel like no one remembers.

they do remember. they just don't sit around talking about the babies. they were all babies that we weren't blessed to meet. what is there 'really' to talk about. so then i sit quietly and thank god that even though words aren't spoken...hearts were broken just a little when we lost our babies. not in the exact same way, but hearts broke for us, for our family, for our babies. my loss is different then your loss. but a heart broken, is a heart broken. my life may be easier or harder than yours...but we all have hardships to face and have to realize it's not about us and our pity party...it's about giving it to christ and letting him have it. and take it. and hold you.

so i continue to rest in my father's sweet loving arms. and wait on him. for his ways are not my ways...but they are oh so good and perfect.

friday ramblings

2009-10-09T08:38:00.001-05:00

you guys are too sweet. i meant for most of my last post, forgetting caitlyn at the library, to be a bit sarcastic.
i must've came across 'harder' on myself than i thought. while i did feel awfully bad about it, i also laughed about it. and sort of blamed it on the middle child syndrome...even though she's not in anyway the middle child. :0) but thanks for your super kind words...and sharing funny forgetting where your children were stories!!

i don't have much to say this morning, and have a super duper busy day ahead of me.

i have two wildtree parties coming up. so i have all those labels done and printed. now it's put on the invites and mailed. the girls love helping me, so i'm waiting to put the labels on until amelya can help.

shaun has been home by five thirty almost all week! it's been SO cool. but he's also been in at 430 AM every day since monday. so even though he's been home early, he's been dead tired. he brought me home a super great treat though yesterday. he ordered some boy scout popcorn. but not just 'plain' or whatever...it was triple chocolately delight...let me just say...it is DELIGHTFUL alright. and will probably cause me to gain a bajillion pounds...and hunt down more boy scouts to buy it from!! it was a 25 dollar tin of popcorn...worth every one of those 25 dollars!! i'm trying to 'control' the eating of it, so it lasts me more than one sitting. so far. so good. but i'm not promising much!

i did this thing on facebook yesterday telling you how all your birthday. 183 days til mine. :0) BUT then i did all the kiddos and shaun. 12 days. 12 days till my little man in ONE. an ENTIRE YEAR!?! i can't believe it. i should start planning something for his birthday too i guess. i am not a huge party planner. they don't get anything 'huge' for their parties. it's always just my parents and sister, and shaun's mom and sisters. for me i don't want to invite more than that. first off it'd just stress me out. and secondly...it's just easier...and dustin won't care or remember who was there anyways. i'm thinking about maybe doing a "kid" birthday party for amelya this year. she'll be...FIVE!! and i think she'd love to plan a party with her little kiddo friends. and she can pick out a theme and what not. (( i don't do a theme thing either..i know, awful..)) so we'll see what happens come march.

hmmmm. at mom's group this week we talked about the truth behind halloween. i brought a video to share. and i think it went really well. we didn't have much time to talk about it afterwards, but i think it was an eye opener to those who didn't know. maybe you don't know this already, but we don't 'do' halloween. we don't 'do' halloween because of what halloween represents. and what halloween really stands for in the witches and satanic people's lives. i truthfully feel that there is a big pretty smokescreen up about halloween and because of that people don't realize that there are animals and HUMAN babies suffering and dying on halloween night and sometimes in the days proceeding it. i HIGHLY recommend this video: Halloween: Trick or Treat? it shares the truths behind halloween. and then you can make a choice in 'celebrating' the day or not. i think it's just important to be educated about it. ((to me it's not any different in being educated about the make-up i put on my face, the food in my body, or the diapers on my kiddos bottoms)) i will say the video is for adults only. the stuff they talk about is graphic and the images they share are scary. when shaun watched it he could not finish it!! when i had it in the van on sunday he asked what it was for, i said mom's group, he said you're not going to make me watch it again are you? it is a disgusting video. but what makes it so disgusting...is that everything shared is real. they have real witches and druids on the video. but i do reccommend it. to any adults. **stepping of my soapbox**

wow. and i said i didn't have much to say. so that's that i guess. i'm off to shower before all my children get up for the day.

bad mom of the day award goes to...

2009-10-07T14:29:00.000-05:00

ME!!

well i know i'm not a 'bad' mom. but i had a moment where i felt like it today.

it's library and mcd's day. two of my good friends come to story time and mcd's with us. between the three of us (great, excellent and wonderful) mommies we have nine kids.

as we were walking to the van after story time i was getting my kids buckled up.

that is until i realized caitlyn was not there.

i asked my friends if they'd seen her.

nope.

shoot.

so i walked back into the library and found my sweet caitlyn playing with toys at a table.

she didn't even know i forgot her.

but i still felt awful. still do. but she doesn't even 'know' and i just do...that and the whole internet now. ;0)

but she was safe and sound in the library. and i noticed as i was getting them in van, not at mcdonald's...now
THAT would've gotten me the award...and some sort of child protective services call.

and USUALLY!!! i count 1,2,3,4 as i'm walking out of the door...want to guess if i did today? nope. i didn't. so i'll 'blame' that on my not realizing it right away. plus amelya is the oldest out of the nine kiddos...so i just saw a whole bunch of little people walking out...just didn't notice one of MINE were missing.

oh well. it'll be a good story to tell her i guess.

now it's nice outside today. so i'm off to clean out our van. before it gets freezing cold and i don't want to do it.

one of the few

2009-10-05T21:06:00.000-05:00

just wanted you all to know i am one of the few NOT watching the packers vs. vikings game. just in case you were wondering. i'm all about csi:miami.

now if my mom reads this, i'm not really sure if she does, she may just have a heart attack. my mom is an avid packers fan. ((like one season when she wore her packers underwear every game...or changed into them if she realized she didn't have them on.)) want to know other crazy things she does? she has a packer tree with green and gold lights on it. it is on during every packers game. she has 'cheese' earrings. but doesn't wear them too much anymore. she also has a ton of packers paraphanila. *totally spelt that wrong* but she's a 'true' fan.

i honestly hope the packers win tonight against the vikings. but will not care if they don't. i don't understand how i can live with a woman with packers underwear for 20 years and not come out as packers crazy as she! lol. i love you my packer crazy mommy...who even is working DURING the game!! lol. silly swing shift.

now that's all i really have for today. i'm off to enjoy csi:miami with my hubby. who was done with work BEFORE 5:30 today!! and of course it's on a day I wasn't home. lol. that always happens. but i honestly think he enjoys a bit of 'down time' too...and if you would've been with us shopping yesterday...you'd agree.

sweet dreams my sweet friends!!

it was a long night in the er.

2009-10-03T08:57:00.000-05:00

i had intentions of making sure i made time for blogging yesterday. then yesterday early morning happened.

breigh woke up around 1 in the morning to go potty. (yay for dry pull ups, probably because i just bought a new pack!)

shaun took her and then noticed her breathing was really bad. he ran a hot shower and let her sit in the steam. when that didn't help he woke me up. it took a bit for me to comprehend what was going on and then i heard her breathing. nothing is scarier to hear your child breath like they're having trouble.

so we went downstairs and tried a nebulizer treatment. that didn't work either. nothing was improving. so i called nurse direct. i knew it was bad when after saying to the nurse i had a question about my daughter, she said...it sounds like croup try taking her outside for a few minutes. if nothing improves get her to the ER. it was the shortest conversations i've ever had with a nurse on nurse direct!

so i put on some warm clothes and headed to the er with my breigh. only thing is i had to go a half hour away. we have a local er, i just refuse to take my kids there. one semi screw up and that was the end of it. so off to the 'better' er we went. i told shaun to take his phone to bed with him so i could call him if i was tired.

but we made it to the er around 2. it was a cold ride though. shaun told me it'd be bad to have the heat on very high. so i didn't have it much on the red at all. but being cold helped me to not get too comfortable and get to the er safely.

so the diagnosis was the same as the nurse had already said. croup. she was also had a bit of stridor. which means a bit of retraction when breathing by her neck. the er doctor was fabulous. he was very kid friendly and super nice. the only complaint was that he smellled like a cigarette. ((aren't doctors supposed to know not to smoke? lol it seems like an oxymoron to me)) breigh did super great as well.

they gave her a strong nebulizer treatment and then did some x-rays. after the x-rays came back the dr said that her airways were a bit narrowed and she was showing signs of bronchiolitis as well. so he gave her an oral steriod to help with that. then we had to sit and wait. because of the neb treatment, they want to monitor for two hours after that. oh yea, they also did the rsv/influenza swab. she just sat there and didn't cry. heck MY eyes watered!!

so we sat until 445ish. well i sat, she slept peacfully in the bed. here are a few things i noticed though at four in the morning: no one is on facebook, no matter how many times you check facebook on your phone in a five minute period-no on is still on facebook updating things. no one emails me at four in the morning. and playing bejewled on your phone just makes you tired at four in the morning.

so needless to say, i was tired, but also thankful to have my phone to entertain me. yay to internet on my phone!

i drove through the drive thru at mcd's on my way home. it helped me stay awake. my super sweet husband was supposed to work at five am. but of course because i wasn't home he couldn't. so he stayed home until i woke up at 930 so i could sleep. as much as his job absolutely drives me NUTS sometimes, i must say it's super nice he can just say i'm not coming in til 10. the downside was because shaun wasn't able to go in at five yesterday, he went in today to help get done what the needed to. but it's okay with me, it makes up for the few hours he missed yesterday.

it's a rainy windy fall day here today. so i'm thinking it's a stay at home day maybe? who knows. we don't have any major plans. there is a nice fall-y type crafty thing at a local town i'd like to go to. but because it's so cold it'd be nice to not take the kiddos. so we'll see if shaun gets home early enough for me to do that.

this week seems to have flown by. i had a meeting yesterday with a lady from a local business. she has hired me to do some 'online networking' stuff. the meeting went well. and it's been fun doing the things for her.

dance class went very well this week. caitlyn has been throwing some caitlyn type fits the past few weeks. ((not during class, but after when she doesn't feel like waiting for her sister's)) so it was a relief to have her be so good this week!!

story time and mcd's was our tradition on wednesday. it was a nice time for me too. i got to chat with two of my good friends. and the kiddos all got to play together.

last night we went out to eat for a friend from church's birthday. we ate at texas roadhouse. the food was pretty okay, but our waitress wasn't coloring with all the crayons in her box. but it made for a bit of entertainment for us and the friends we were sitting with. we had a nice time sitting and chatting with them at the table. we kind of were away from the rest of the group a bit because they wanted to sit 18 people at three booth tables. which meant splitting me and shaun up. it sort of irritated me a bit, i will admit. and then two nice guys got up from there table and we were able to sit there. shaun and i were using this as a date night as well. it's hard to go on a date with your husband if you can't even sit by him. plus it was more comfortable then trying to sit at the end of an already full table. afterwards everyone else went to play laser tag and games, we didn't know they had been thinking about doing this, and thus didn't really 'plan' for it time and money wise. so we didn't go. my sister was watching our kids and i didn't want to be super late getting back to her either, because as far as she knew we were just going out to eat. we did stop and get a sundae on our way back. coldstone. mmmm. it was super good. when we went back to get the kiddos they were all running around my sister's house like crazy. they had fun. and i'm glad. it was really nice to get a night out with my hubby and friends. it's been awhile since we had a date night, and it was much needed.

tomorrow we're thinking about going to a local apple orchard. i'm waiting to see how the weather plays out. they have the bestest caramel apples!!

so now that i've bored you to tears...i'll let you go. make it a great saturday!!

the winner {finally} and randomness

2009-09-28T15:52:00.001-05:00

well first off...i totally apologize that i did not reveal my winner of the sloppy joe mix giveaway on friday. i'll be honest...i totally and completely forgot. {more on that later} so to the winner.

i used random.org. it gave me number 11. number 11 belonged to maire. i met maire a few months ago and it's been a lot of fun getting to know her. she's a super cool friend. and i'm super excited to send her some sloppy joe mix. so maire...email me your address. for those of you totally bummed. feel free to check out my site and get your own sloppy joe mix or whatever else makes you all warm and fuzzy. i wish i could give you all some!! but i can't. sorry. maybe when i get to be a big wig leader i will. so that's a promise. when i hit team leader status i'll buy anyone who wants one a sloppy joe mix. :0) that means i only need two people with me selling and a minimum in sales of 3500 all together. we could do that easy!! so if you, yourself are perhaps interested in earning some extra income and joining my team please let me know. and you don't have to be from here to be a part of it. anyone, anywhere can join me. :0)

so congrats again maire!!

hmmm. where do i start?

last time we 'talked' i shared with you my exciting news. well i did think, and still do think it's super exciting to know i have a son. and i was super blessed by all of your comments expressing the same thing. it was so cool to me to be able to share something so special and personal with you guys and to have you all as excited as me. most of you i'll probably never meet, yet you got excited with me. that means A LOT. in fact, more than you'll ever know.

we decided to do the chromosome testing. we had our blood taken this morning. we prayed and talked a lot about our decision. it wasn't one that was made flippantly. we talked about if it would 'matter' if something is 'wrong'. we talked about why or why not? and in the end we both felt at peace with our choice not to. to be honest if shaun would've said no, let's not. we wouldn't have. i wanted it to be OUR choice. not mine. not his. not anyone else's. but ours. and ours it was.

as we wait for the results, we continue to wait on the lord. knowing his plan is good and perfect. and as we hash out the results, that we don't even know, we contemplate 'where to go' if something is wrong. we've talked about not seeing the genetic counselor if something is wrong. we've talked about seeing a genetic counselor if something is wrong. we've asked ourselves does it matter? are we going to base our choice on something 'science' has told us? to me if something is wrong i don't feel the urge to go hear our 'statistics'. that's really all they'd be. our statistic to have miscarriage out of every pregnancy. our statistic to have a healthy baby. an unhealthy baby. and that's where i feel...it doesn't matter. statistic or not...it's all god's plan. if we're meant to have another baby...we will. if we're not...we won't. i trust that god knows what he is doing.

so then, why, you may be wondering are we going through the testing? i'll tell you. :0) thanks for asking me so nicely why we choose that. thanks for not jumping on me and asking how in the world it's being paid for. thanks for respecting my choice. i firmly believe god's created everything in this world. in seven days even. i also firmly believe he's given people the technology and 'brains' to figure out stuff. i believe that he's blessed us with the opportunity to 'know' why this may be happening. i know that i will never 'understand' why this has happened. but to know why it's happened gives me a sense of peace about it. is it going to change my stance on wanting more children? nope. is it going to make me question god's superiority? nope. is it going to change and shape and mold me? most definitely yes. it will. regardless of the results of this said 'test' i'm going to be changed. shaped. and molded. into what god wants me to be. not what i want me to be. or shaun wants me to be. or even what you want me to be. but what god wants me to be. and i'm excited for that. and in case you're wondering...we have super great insurance that authorized the testing and it's being paid for by them.

i'll be honest though. i was a mess of emotions the end of last week. someone finding out it was a boy made me the happiest and the saddest all at the same time. i cried some more. knowing it was a boy though made me so happy. i could put a general 'face' to a baby. if that makes sense. i was so blessed by knowing. it doesn't make me love him more than the other two babies in heaven, but it makes me feel like i know him a bit better than them. shaun and i have prayed about naming him as well. we both feel he needs a name. we're still praying/waiting/seeing what we are going to name him though. we also plan on buying something to remember the babies by. a precious friend gave us a white lilac bush in memory of our baby in may. we were so blessed by it. and i'm so excited to see it bloom, lord willing, this spring. we never thought of it for our first baby. so for that first baby and this little boy, we're going to buy something to remember them by. there's a tree in our front yard in memory of shaun's brother. there's a lilac bush to remember our angel baby in may. and now we'll think of something to plant in our yard for these babies. not that we 'need' something to plant. but it's such a nice way to remember them by. and to me it shows how they're still living, but only in heaven. their eternal home. that's truly the big picture.

we've been so busy with school stuff here as well. {how's that for transition?} amelya and i do school every day during nap time. we're learning letters and sounds. numbers. same. different. more. fewer. and on and on. i love watching her little mind work. and she's a sponge for the information. i'm worried i won't know what to teach her for kindergarten next year?!

breigh does school with us on days she doesn't nap. mainly she does practice writing worksheets. and same/different stuff. but she's just as excited to do school. so i'm all for it! i'm so blessed to be able to homeschool.

hmmm. i can't think of much else. except i noticed i have a whole bunch of new followers. hey! welcome. glad you stopped by and choose to follow. hope you come back and enjoy yourselves. i love to hear from you. but will admit, i've been very bad at making myself heard from!! i'm kind of a poo-ey bloggy friend lately. i'm sorry!!

so now that the kiddos are up from nap it's my time to be a 'mom' again. have a great rest of your monday. because it's a great day!!

a call from the doctor.

2009-09-23T15:35:00.003-05:00

well. today i got a call from my dr.

i listened to the voicemail and was very nervous to call back. reason being was that she really didn't say much of anything. when i got my biopsy news on voicemail back in january they said the good news. so i kind of figured that it may not be 'good' news.

i just got off the phone with her, and just need to spill it all out in writing.

turns out first of all...our baby that is in heaven was a boy. i have another son. she said she felt like it was a bummer because she knew it was what we were 'hoping' for. but it's SO cool to know. i have no idea what our other babies were. i thought the first one was a boy and the one in may was a girl. but i don't know for sure. it's so cool to think that i have a son waiting for me for sure. and that dustin in fact does have a little brother. a brother. another boy. a son. for some reason i can't stop smiling at knowing that.

so. he had quite a few things 'wrong' with his little choromosomes. she told me about three different things that were screwed up with them. one of the 'major' things that was wrong was his chromosome number 22. his. him. isn't it fun to 'know'. :0)

so now that means she wants us to get our chromosomes tested. to see if one of us has a screwy chromosome or if it was all just 'random'. our insurance has to authorize it first. so after that is done, then shaun and i have to get our blood taken and wait some more. if something comes back 'not okay' from us...then we can meet with a genetic counselor and see what they have to say. basically they'll tell you your percentage of miscarriage and the percentage of having a baby born with abnormalities. so we'll see.

and wait.

i tell you. it's the waiting part that stinks. i just want to know. and move one. but in the wait i know god has a lot in store for me. and shaun. and our family.

god is good. and he has a plan. and 'if' something is wrong with me or shaun's chromosomes i just praise him for his perfect faithfulness. and for the four kiddos i have on earth. and the three in heaven.

my mind and heart are a bunch of emotions right now. i don't know if any of this even comes off clearly. but i feel better getting it out. :0)

ps. i have another son!?! :0)

pps. and there's a giveaway in the post below this one if you're interested.

a teensy tiny giveaway!

2009-09-18T08:47:00.002-05:00

hey. i haven't done a giveaway in awhile. so i'm off to do one today. well, i'm not really 'off' anywhere. but whatever.

so i'll get to the giveaway first.

you see i ordered some wildtree this week. and didn't realize i didn't need 2 containers of sloppy joe mix, when i already had 2 here. geesh. SO my screw up is your advantage. because i'm giving one away!!!

so you and your family will get to enjoy some sloppy joe blend!! we love the sloppy joe blend. i'm a manwich hater. so before wildtree it was only tomato soup used to make sloppy joes. since i started wildtree...it's been sloppy joe blend with tomato soup. it's super yummy!! it adds great flavor without adding the actual item. ((i don't like chunks of onion, peppers, etc...)) here is a link to the info if you want to learn more...

what do you have to do to enter?!?! well just comment on this post. that's all. no biggie. i'll leave the giveaway open for a week. so go ahead and remember to comment.

if you're interested in more wildtree feel free to look around my site. there are a ton of new fun fall products. like pumpkin bread. pumpkin pancakes. blueberry syrup. whole wheat pancakes. ohhhh so yummy. and also the skillet meals. we are loving loving them!!

if you're interested in ordering you can do that right on my site. and have the items shipped to your door!! ((remember all wildtree products are all natural. msg free. preservative free. dye free. peanut free and good for you!!))

if you're interested in getting free wildtree...well let me know!! i can come to your house...if you're close the area...and do a tasting and you'll earn a ton of free products. i'm currently booking one more show for october. and have a few dates open in november. let me know!!

my business has been going fantastically this month. i'm on my way to another month over 1000 in sales. it'll be four months in a row. since i've started selling wildtree i've sold over 1500 each month!! the extra money has been so nice to have, as well as the nights out with some adults to chat. so if you're interested in learning more about wildtree's business, let me know. you don't have to be near me to sign up with me!! :0) i'd love you on my team!!

enough business.

this week has flown by. dance went great this week. last week caitlyn cried a bit when the teacher tried to touch her. she's a little sensitive to ppl getting in her space too soon!! caitlyn had her two year check up. she's 60% for height and weight...and 97% for her head. i've got big headed children. she got a shot. and didn't cry at all. i was so proud of her!!

amelya has started going awana. this week was parents week. so shaun and i got to go along and watch and see how it all goes. i was pleasantly surprised with everything and amelya will continue to attend. :0) she's learning scriptures again this week and it's fun to incorporate awana stuff into our homeschooling stuff as well.

breigh is a champ going potty on the potty. i love it!! it's so cool to have half my kids in underwear!!

dustin is crawling all over. starting to sleep better now that his tooth is through. but it was a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong week. he's pulling up a bit now too!!

i had my check with my dr this week. everything looks/feels fine. no test results were back yet. hopefully in a week or two. and then she'll run blood work depending on the results of the testing. so it's wait and see on that.

this weekend is shaun's weekend off. woo hoo. i have a show tomorrow. so he gets some daddy time for a bit in the late morning/early afternoon. it'll be fun for all involved. it's supposed to be a nice fall weekend in wisconsin so we're excited for that too. we may have to hit up the apple orchard soon!!

our details for our trip to connecticut are coming in line a bit. i just will need to find a hotel about midway through our trip...i'm thinking ohio/pennsylvania -ish. i just have to figure out where half way is. ;0) then we're spending mon -thurs in connecticut. then thursday to friday or saturday in nyc. yep. we've decided we're going to go to nyc. i'm nervous about driving in the city already...and i'm not even going to be the one driving!! thanks goodness for a gps!!

so with that i'm off. hope you have a great weekend.

and don't forget to comment to win some yummy sloppy joe blend!!

amelya reading.

2009-09-16T08:28:00.002-05:00

i don't have a ton of time at the beginning of the week for much blogging. but had a quick minute to share this video with you all. it's super cute. and if you need a giggle...i dare you to watch it and not giggle at the end!! i can't believe how big she's getting!! :0(

back to a sense of normal.

2009-09-11T06:54:00.002-05:00

friday again. it's been an entire week between posts again too! yikes!!

((off subject, but yikes is my new favorite word...in case you were wondering))

i'll be honest though...yesterday is the first day i've felt like i'm coming around to a sense of normalcy again. this week has been a good week. but i'll be honest and say it's also been a rollercoaster a bit as well. the other night i was just sitting and watching tv and started crying when someone had a baby. because it hit me again that we weren't. at the same time, thanks to facebook on my phone :0), i read about someone loving little baby kicks in their belly. and it hit me that i wasn't getting to feel those...YET.

it's not like people are going to quit having babies or talking about their precious kicks just because i'm not pregnant. people get pregnant and have babies all the time. it was just this week that it really hit me that i wasn't. and it also hit me how bad i truly desire it. so i continue to pray and rest in god's arms and timing and know that it's perfect. there is a reason that he wanted to take my two babies to heaven before me. i don't know why...but i don't NEED to know why...all i NEED to know is that god remains good.

my struggle though...is all the complaining people do. now. i KNOW i complain. i try really hard not to complain while pregnant, but i know i do. usually it's about my back pain. and the only other thing i can think of is having to get up at 3 AM to go pee. after the past four months and losing two babies...i will tell you this...i'd give anything to have horrible back pain and i'd get up every five minutes to pee if it meant i got to be having a baby at the end of it.

so it really has opened my eyes to the comments i make. it's sort of like the 'as long as the baby is healthy comment'. actually i would take my baby even if it wasn't healthy...sure it'd be 'nice' to have a healthy baby...but i'm not going to put it back if it's not. and what is healthy anyways? breigh and dustin have ezcema..does that make them 'not-healthy'. or do they have to be sick or in the hospital or something? sure it isn't the perfect scenerio to have a not healthy child...but we also always tell our children, life isn't perfect. so then why do we expect it to be for us? i don't know. maybe i'll make some of you upset by saying those things. but it really just has been on my heart this week. you can bet that if we get pregnant again i'll have back pain. but i will tell you i will SAY that i have been having back pain...but i will not say how 'ugh it hurts so bad i hate it'. i think that people can share their pregnancy experiences...the negative ones...in a way that just states the issue but isn't complaining about it. if that makes sense. it's the complaining or seeming like they can't stand all of this...that drives me to tears. because like i said, i wish it could be me going through it. sort of like i don't understand the people who say that they hate being pregnant. well not hate being pregnant but just the whole experience...i love it. i think that it's okay for people to not enjoy it. and i've never had a really bad pregnancy..but i just love it.

my hardest pregnancy was probably amelya's. i was as big as a boat...no a cruise ship. and i was working in an infant room at a daycare. in winter. which means runny noses...and a cruise ship getting up and down off the floor all day long. i had bad back pain with her pregnancy as well. but in the end...i hardly remember the back pain and i only know i was huge because of pictures. it's sort of like they say, you'll forget the pain as soon as the baby is born...i didn't believe them...until i held amelya in my arms. and breigh. and caitlyn. and dustin. the pain was gone and the love in my heart swelled more and more as i watched my precious baby.

speaking of precious baby...my caity-bug is two now. her birthday was on sunday. we're having a b-day party for her this sunday. we never have done anything huge for any of the parties. i guess to me i don't care. and at one or two years old the kids don't care about all the hoop-la. for amelya's birthday the past two years she picked out her cake theme...that my mom makes. :0) and breigh did it this year. so that's as themed out as we get. amelya is going to be five in about six months...oh my!! and she is starting to have some little friends...so maybe we'll do something with friends this time. i don't know. and really it doesn't matter. it will also be amelya's 'golden birthday' this year. i can't believe she's going to be FIVE. i can't believe that caitlyn is TWO. and dustin will be ONE next month. YIKES!! times a thousand YIKES...

today is 9/11. it's crazy to think it's been eight years since that day. that is the first event in the US that i 'remember right where i was'. i was at school in oshkosh and was walking back from the shower and my next door dorm-mate said turn your tv on. it was early. and i was like...um okay. i thought maybe hers wasn't working so we should see if ours were. huh. if it was only just that. i remember watching the second plane fly into the building. i saw it. then over and over again as they showed it. it was like watching a crazy movie and you couldn't change the channel. every channel was covering it.

this is dumb. but they cancelled a parents night for tennis at our home high school. i remember being all upset because i was excited to go home one night 'extra' to see shaun. yeah, i know. dumb. looking back now i realize how crazy i was to be all upset.

they cancelled classes. held vigils. rallies. what have you. and we were hundreds of miles away from there.

after the whole thing i remember being most intrigued by flight 93. by the phone calls that were recorded. by the men who tried to help take over the flight. 'let's roll' was a super good book about one of them. todd beamer. he was also a christian. every time i hear the stories i put myself on that plane and wonder what i would do. and pray i never find out.

and now we sit here eight years later. tv coverage is minimal compared to that day. my kids don't even know what happened. life moves on. but we never forget. i can put that to my angel babies too. life moves on..but i never forget.

just like god doesn't forget us. ever. he sits. waiting. until we come back to him.

we're going on a family trip in a few weeks...well like a month, take a deep breath michelle. we'll be three hours-ish from NYC. i'm a super bad passenger in milwaukee...do we risk it and drive to NYC? anyone want to be a driver for our family and take us there? lol. part of me would love to go to NYC...to say i've been to NYC. i'd love to see central park, the statue of liberty, ground zero, the brooklyn bridge, time square...but do i risk an anxiety attack to just say i've seen it? i don't know.

i'm still in the process of planning out our trip. we're leaving on a friday and hoping to make it to connecticut by sunday or monday. with some stops in the middle. i have no idea 'where' in the middle. but perhaps YOU'RE in the middle. maybe our families could meet up for some lunch/dinner at a park. or a mcdonald's. or wherever. let me know. because i'd LOVE to meet you. if you email me..i can email you the specific dates-ish. and we could set something up. plus i just love meeting new bloggy friends.

well i'm off to get ready for the day. i have a ton of errands to run. next week i'm praying for some more normalcy and i can get back to blogging more normally and commenting again. i'm SO behind!!

update on the prayer requests...

2009-09-04T16:44:00.001-05:00

wow. that's all i can say.

not only was a prayer answered BUT PRAYERS were answered.

lets start with the d/c. it went so well. so well in fact i remember nothing of it. nope. nada. zilch. nothing. zero. got it? :0) the nurse talked to me before hand and said that i said i remembered everything. yep i said. i did. she had looked back at what they gave me the first time and she said that they didn't give me a whole lot of it and it probalby wore off before it should have. umm. geesh. if i would've known that i wouldn't have been so nervous about wednesday. they gave me versed this time. ahhh. SO nice. i took a nice nap and don't remember it. i barely remember the dr coming in actually. she actually did an ultrasound before we got started. the sac remained empty. but had grown again to an eight week size. she said it's a stubborn little thing. well it's half me. half shaun. it has not other choice but to be stubborn! the nurse said that i was hardly dialted (which the pills should have done) so the pills really did nothing at all. and they have a 85-90% SUCCESS RATE! my dr figured since we did them twice it should've been covered!

i'm on an anti-biotic to prevent infection. but i hate this med too. it makes me have awful headaches all day and it's not so nice in the bathroom either. only three more days left of it. so by next week i should be feeling fine. i'm hoping so.

and because it's a special day to me. our first angel baby is five years old already! five years ago today was my due date with that special angel baby. :0) (it also means amelya will be five in six months...i'm still in denial about that)

and breigh. is going potty IN the toilet. i'm amazed. only ONE day of accidents. and the past two days she has been dry in her underwear and going potty ON the toilet. i'm so excited for her!! today she held it for over six hours though. we weren't at home and i tried to have her go, but she didn't. as soon as we got home i put her on the toilet and she went. so i guess she's a little 'potty shy' at public places yet. which is fine. as long as she doesn't pee in her pants.

so thanks SO much for the prayers. they were answered. faster and better than i could have ever imagined!!

tomorrow amelya and i are having a special day. she needs dance shoes for class next week. so i'm taking her to get those and we're going to hang out for the morning. we're both really excited. i'm hoping breigh will do well with shaun. it's mostly been me and her on this whole training thing.

our county fair is this weekend. woo hoo. well sort of. it's not that great of a fair. tomorrow they have free admission from four to five with a canned good donation. so we're going then. :0) i hope you have a great labor day weekend!!

not all of you were around for last year's labor day weekend. i encourage you to read this post. it made me laugh all over again. enjoy!! and have a great 'last weekend of summer'. :0)

prayers appreciated please.

2009-09-02T07:50:00.003-05:00

wow. i'm getting way worse than better at this blogging thing lately. but this time i have a tiny excuse. i've been sick with an awful head cold. it's all in my sinus' and eyes. BUT i do have a prayer request for today...and that's why i quick am typing this.

today at 1130 cst. i will go in for a d and c. the pills have caused nothing to happen. so my only option really at this point is a d and c. three weeks ago my dr asked me to wait two weeks to see what happens. and i didn't 'want' to, but it looks as if i did. and nothing has happend.

i'll be honest. i'm terrified. scared. afraid. etc etc etc of the d/c this afternoon. i hated the one i had a few years ago. i remember EVERY SINGLE sound. tug. pull. it was the most awfulest thing ever to endur. and i had prayed for the past three weeks, to not have to endur it again. it's god's plan that i do though.

so i am. my prayer request is this. just pray that i can't remember anything. that i don't hear anything. that it's all just a big blur. when i talked to the nurse on monday i asked for some stronger drugs then i may have had last time. so lord willing i'll get something nice and strong.

shaun is going with me. my sister is meeting us at the hospital to watch the kiddos until shaun's sister gets done with work. she just so 'happens' to have a half day today. isn't that cool how god works that out. shaun's sister will take the kiddos back to her house until we come and get them. i'm so thankful that it all worked out to have someone watch them.

oh yea, and i started potty training breigh. i realized this week that NEXT week starts dance class. breigh needs to be potty trained for dance class. YIKES! i have a little less than a week to do it. honestly i was planning on starting this week, after today. but i also thought i had TWO weeks til dance started not ONE. so please pray for this as well. potty training is honestly something i hate doing. i lose my paitence really quickly for some reason while potty training. it's a stressful time for me...until i stop and pray. so i myself have to remember to keep praying ALWAYS during this season. because it is just a season. and lord willing a very short one. ;0)

in fact last night when breigh was sitting on the toilet caitlyn came in and said potty. she wanted to sit down on the toilet. so okay. she did. she didn't go though. until she walked out in the living room and peed on the floor. SO i may even get TWO kids potty trained out of this. we'll see. i'm not pushing caitlyn into it at all, but if it happens...i'll totally take it.

so do you need prayer? because i'd love to hear your prayer requests if you have them. i'm always asking for prayer, but feel that prayer is so powerful i should be praying for YOU TOO!! please let me know if there is anything you'd like prayer for. and i'd be so blessed to pray for you. :0)

a wii-review.

2009-08-31T07:00:00.003-05:00

a few months ago i got an email from my friends at jumpstart. they wanted to know if they could send me a wii game to review!!

ummm. yeah!!

i was super stoked to get it a few weeks ago. we LOVE jumpstart here. we have a few computer games already and the online subscription. so i was excited to see the FIRST game for the wii geared towards pre-k children...from the same company! in fact...ESRB has rated Pet Rescue “Early Childhood”.

yeah!! pet rescue has been a lot of fun.

first off amelya loves being able to make her own person. she is constantly changing it up as well. it's much easier virtual than in real life though!! :0)

breigh also enjoyed playing the game. but at just turning three in june she needed a bit of help from me to get everything going. amelya didn't need much help at all with choosing and picking. but she did need help getting the wii arrow on to the right thing she needed to click on. but with more practice i'm sure she'll be a pro in no time.

the games are very similiar to the games on the computer and online. but that's what i LOVE. amelya is familiar with most everything and knows what she needs to do and GETS to do. i'm amazed already at her skills with the wii and how well she does at the games. especially the ones I think are going to be too hard. in no time she's earning gold cards and prizes.

amelya loves earning the gold cards and telling shaun about them. she also loves it when they tell her "you've earned a prize" she holds on with so much anticipation of what the prize is going to be. breigh gets excited with her as she clicks on the wrapped prize!

here is what jumpstart has to tell you about their new game::

JumpStart Pet Rescue contains 5 Discovery worlds where Preschoolers navigate through 5 stories in a search for lost pets.

Each Discovery world contains a guided story told by one of the JumpStart friends, leading children on a learning adventure through more than 70 learning lessons and activities that teach kids over 75 essential skills they need to succeed. As kids progress through the adventures, they improve their pre-reading skills, memory, creativity, motor skills, listening,and much more!

Key Features

JumpStart Pet Rescue immerses each child in a wildly imaginative and rewarding3D learning environment that offers hours of exploration and adventure.

As children travel through the different worlds, they play learning games to earn rewards. Children then earn storybooks that are read aloud to them.

Children are given the freedom to express themselves by changing the way they look, dress & by decorating their house.

Pet rescue and care are incorporated into the game storyline. Children can feed, groom, play with, and train their pets.

you can also click here for more info on the wii game.

you want one of these don't you? i know i feel so blessed to have gotten one. well you can have a chance to win your own.

wellll jumpstart is giving away 25 copies of their new wii game. just head on over to their blog for your chance to win!! it's a load of fun and i know you'll love it!!

hope you all go and enter. i'm off to get ready for the day and will try to be back later with a 'typical' rambling post. :0) before i go though i want to ask for a prayer request. i took the dose of cytotec on wednesday. nothing happened. my dr gave me another rx for a dose saturday. and nothing has happened. i'm assuming that means i'll have to do a d/c. so please pray something happens between now and when i call my dr this morning. thanks!!

i'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

2009-08-28T08:26:00.002-05:00

whew. what a week. it's been almost an entire week since i've last had contact with most of you! crazy.

so. our weekend was great. we had my sil's bday party on saturday. it was fun. and cold. so that means instead of the beach we hung out at her house. before her party i set up my wildtree stuff at a natural store. i had a few orders and a few prospects so totally worth the time. my sister came and sat with me so that was nice!

sunday. the BIG day. we left for vacation. of course earlier that morning i threw a load of wash in. so we'd be all caught up when we got home. and of course i never check pockets. and washed shaun's cell phone. awesome. PRAISE THE LORD though...by sunday evening all buttons were working. and the phone is still working!! god is SO good. because shaun just washed his other phone last month. how embarassing is THAT. twice in about a month washing a cell phone. apparently this one holds up better to the washing!

after church we came home and packed. yes i said packed. i was leaving that til way last minute! plus it just worked out that way. i packed up our stuff...and didn't even forget anything. well except the pack and play for dustin. thankfully the hotel had one we could use!!

we got to the hotel at check in time. so there was a bit of a line. but you could look through windows into the waterpark and shaun and the girls did that while dustin and i checked in. our room was 113. right down the hall from the arcade and waterpark.

we decided to unpack a bit and grab supper before going swimming. so we did that. and then hit the pool/slides/lazy river. overall it was a great waterpark. i think the perfect size for our family. the girls LOVED the slides. we just held them on our laps. shaun took caitlyn though. i didn't feel comfortable enough to do her. we hung out at the waterpark a few hours. then walked around the hotel and played some games in the arcade. ((where by the end of the vaca we spent about fifty bucks and got a whole cool bag of plastic toys and animals. but it WAS fun!!))

on monday we checked out lambeau field. breigh thought we were going to see the packers. so i don't think she thought it was as cool as it was going to be in her head. but the kiddos were all free to go in so it was really an inexpensive thing to do for us. plus it'll most likely be the only time we go there. packer tickets can be VERY hard to come by. and we're not really huge fans.

when we got back from lambeau we gave the kiddos naps. i always try to keep them on their same schedule when we're gone. so after a pretty decent naptime. we hit up the waterpark. after swimming we did the supper thing at the hotel. and hit up walmart for stuff to eat for breakfast and pack for our picnic the next day. after we got back...it was the arcade.

the next day we went to heritage hill. i LOVE heritage hill. it's a 'living' museum. with interpretors in some of the buildings. so much fun. AND it's kids are free week til this saturday or sunday...so we only had to pay for us. and actually the kiddos are still at the 'free' age anyways. we got through most of the park. til it started raining. and pouring. and thundering. and lightening. not fun. so we checked out the gift shop. got the kids each a sucker stick thing. and me a box of salt water taffy. i LOVE taffy!! we went back to the hotel for naps. and then after naps friends of ours came up to visit. it was fun to visit. we all played in the waterpark and then went to red robin for supper.

wednesday was leaving day. :0( we spent the rest of our tokens in the arcade and cashed in our tickets for the bag of plastic fun! and packed up our stuff. actually shaun did most of that. i took the kiddos all to the arcade while he showered and then packed up. is it lame to say i cried when we left? i did. we had such a nice time. and i didn't want to come home. back to 'real life'. where shaun works too much and too hard. but we have too. i asked shaun to call in sick OF work. but we agreed it wouldn't go over too well. and that we probably don't have a cardboard box big enough to support our family in. so work it is.

wednesday was also 'the' day. i took the cytotec. i felt like yuck all day. so far nothing has really happened. i had awful cramps on wednesday. and some awful fun in the bathroom. (tmi. but seriously!!) but so far nothing has happened. i'm not sure how long it should take. i just thought it'd be fast. especially since i've already had this stuff before. it's the same thing they gave me to induce labor with dustin. so my body i figured would be used to this and 'know' what to do. i dunno. we'll see i guess. all i know is that it all seems SO much more real.

so real. i held back tears as i choked down the pills. which were not too big. afterwards i went to the bathroom and cried. like i said it all just felt so much more real. and it 'hit' me again. i wasn't having a baby. of course everyone seemed pregnant or having a newborn at the waterpark. but i don't think it's the case. it's just me noticing them. and i'm not jealous of them. i just feel that longing in my heart to be like them. so i pray that god gives me that desire of my heart. OR takes that desire away. if we're not supposed to have more kids i pray he shows me that. it may seem like a 'weird' thing to pray for. but to me it's not. and god already knows i'm pretty much weird. i'm sure he's used to it by now!

thanks to all of you for your super kind words and comments again. it's been a blessing to read some of your stories as well. i think it's important to share them. so i feel so blessed that you've trusted ME with your story!!

well i should get going. i have some pictures to edit from this past week. that i'll share with you all soon!! and i actually have forgotten to tell you all about a new 'job' i have. i've been hired by a local business to do some online networking (facebook, twitter, etc) for them. and design a blog for them. my requirement is to work an hour and a half a week. so because i haven't done it at all this week...that is what nap time will consist of today. i'll try to get around to blogs if i get time after that. but i can't promise it. :0) know that i've been thinking about you all and praying for you guys!! you're the best!!

going missing.

2009-08-22T14:49:00.002-05:00

i've been super busy this week.

hence the lack of posting and non-existence of commenting.

BUT it's gonna get a bit worse before it gets better.

we're leaving for some MUCH MUCH needed time away tomorrow and will be back later in the week.

which means. no blogging from me. because we don't have a laptop.

if you're in complete and utter amanda withdrawal feel free to email me. because my phone has email...and facebook. :0) i'm sure my phone will be ringing off the hook...;0)

i'm doing pretty good. considering the crazy rollercoaster of a week i've had. through it all god has been so faithful and so good. and i'm just soaking in all of his great love.

thanks again for your prayers this week. and your hugs. i can't wait to meet you all in heaven and hug you for real!!

so adios amigos amigas....bye. :0) see you when i get back. that is if i don't decide to lay on the lazy river forever....

the update.

2009-08-20T08:44:00.001-05:00

hey. sorry i didn't get the chance to update yesterday. we did the dr visit, picked up the kids from our friends' house and i literally turned right around and went back to town to do my party. i didn't get home til ten and was tired after the super long day.

so. to the 'results'. i'm really bummed to say nothing has changed. my gestational sac grew appropriately. but unfortunately there was not a yolk sack or baby growing. as soon as the ultrasound tech was looking i knew. part of me wanted to rip the baseball bat out of me and run out of the room and not come back. but i let her finish measuring up whatever it was she needed to measure. it was a different tech than i have had the last two times, but she said well i'm not seeing what we want to be seeing. or something like that. she said she looked side to side and top to bottom. and there wasn't anything. she apologized. removed the baseball bat. and went to find out if the dr was available.

i didn't break down. i think part of me has already done that part of the mourning. two weeks ago when i was told i was probably going to miscarry i bawled. did my crying. i cried yesterday. but not at the same degree i did two weeks ago. shaun and i sat quietly holding hands as we waited to see my dr.

the nurse came in about ten minutes later. i don't know if i have already said this, but i do not like my dr's new nurse. she is just way different than her old nurse. and a lot less nice? i don't know if that's the right word. but i just don't care for her demeanor. so we walk back as i try to compose myself. of course at that moment is when the floodgates wanted to be lifted. we cross paths with dr meyer and walk by the scale. the nurse i don't think knew what to do and said something about weighing me. i looked at her...i seriously thought about slapping her for half a second (very very fleshly i know, but i'm just being honest)...and i said 'is that really necessary?'. i'm so glad dr. meyer was still in the hall and said no. seriously. you want to weigh this pregnant but not really pregnant with a live baby woman who just found out. i'll tell you. i'm fat. not pregnant. carry on.

so after that awkward (i can't even spell that word) moment she took my blood pressure. which at that point was probably high.((i checked my levels and they were high! lol. but i know it's just because of everything we had just been going through)) i don't know. and she really didn't say anything to me. except dr. should be right in. she walked out. the look on shaun's face told me he felt the same way about her. he was really upset with how she handled things as well. and now i know i'm not way off base on not caring for her as a nurse. i'm really thinking about how to talk to my dr about it. ( at my last visit the nurse swore while talking to me, and also made a VERY rude comment i care to not divulge into. so it wasn't just yesterday )

anyways. the talk with my dr. one thing she said that i really just 'liked' was that she felt like she had been having this conversation with us too much lately and didn't like it. i told her i didn't either. but it was really nice to have her step out of the 'dr' position and be honest like that. my options at this point are pretty much the same. a d & c. or a pill. the pill is actually the same pill they give people wtih stomach ulcers to get rid of them. and it's also a pill that when you're full term that will put you into labor. we've decided to go with the pill. it's an 'easier' option. and i just don't want to do the d and c thing again. i also talked to her about us going away. we're going to a waterpark on sunday and won't be back for a few days. i didn't want to have to deal with bleeding and stuff while we're there. she said it's fine to wait til next week to take the pill. and of course in the mean time it could just happen naturally. the risk of the pill is needing the d/c anyway..but it's a very low chance of that needing to happen. especially because the baby's sack is only about a golf ball size.

the only 'advantage' the the d/c is that they could send it off to do genetic testing. she said that if she thought the testing was necessary she'd encourage the d/c. but she really feels all of the indicators point to a chromosonal issue with the baby.

i talked over a ton of stuff with her. progesterone levels was one of them. she said that she's had experience with taking them herself. ((i didn't know this until yesterday but she herself has had to miscarraiges in a row)) she said with one of her miscarriages she was taking the progesterone and miscarried anyway. and the 'studies' don't 'prove' it one way or another. she said basically low progesterone is more of an indicator than a cause. BUT she also said that the more dr's you ask the more opinions you'll get on the issue. the 'downfall' to taking progesterone...one of the ways is an injection. and she said it can cause you muscle to hurt like crazy (she did that one herself) and the other way is inserting it. well in an area i don't care to be inserting things. ;0) i think that if i want to take them, she'd give me the perscription to do so. she just basically said that you can't guarantee then you will for sure not miscarry. she also said that what could be done is right after i get a positive pregnancy test is to test it immediately and then we could start something if it's a little low. i also know if a miscarriage is going to happen, it's going to happen. so i don't know if it's even worth it then. you know? so i don't know. it's all so overwhelming. and kind of weird to be talking about being pregnant again, when i'm still technically pregnant.

the other test that she is going to run is a test that checks your blood for clotting. because that is something that just happens. she said generally the progesterone thing doesn't 'just happen' that i would've had issues before. she said there are two things that can just come up. and the one i was just tested for last time and was fine. the other test she thought she had run, but it wasn't. so once this pregnancy is over she is going to run that test. (the blood clotting one) so we'll see if there is anything 'physical' that is causing this at least.

either way i know it's all god's plan. sure i don't understand 'why' at all. but i know he knows why. and i know his plans are a ton better than mine. even when i think my plans are super great, his are super greater.

i've lived the last two weeks with a glimmer of hope that i would see my baby yesterday. but you know. i still have a hope. i still get to have the hope of seeing my baby in heaven. so yesterday didn't crush my hope at all. it just changed the hope i had to a different place. when i get to heaven i will have three babies waiting for me. i truly believe that with every ounce of my soul. we all get mansions in heaven. it says so in the bible. i think our family will have it's own block. ;0)

i want to thank you from the bottom of my toes to the tip of my crazy bed head hair, for all of your prayers. kind words. and even silence. it means more to me than you'll ever know. i know that i've said when i started blogging a little over a year ago i didn't know what to expect and figured i'd eventually just stop. i never thought i would have such a support system and family in a bunch of people i've mainly never met. and some who i won't meet ever on this earth. and lord willing will meet in heaven.

it floors me. it blesses my socks off...you know if i was wearing them...shaun too is blown away by it all. and i think that's cool. :0) he doesn't quite understand the whole blogging thing, but i know he understands the friends i've made. and to me that's what's important. on the outside looking in, some may just think we're all a little crazy and don't understand how you can connect with a stranger...but i say yes we are crazy. but oh man how you can connect with strangers. strangers who've gone through what you have. strangers who haven't, but pray. strangers who just care about other strangers. so strangers...i LOVE YOU GUYS.

i also know that there are some not so strangers who read and may not comment. know that i LOVE YOU GUYS too. ;0) because it's you in real life who get to give me and me you...the hugs. you get to wipe my tears. and i get to wipe yours. you are all so special to me. i only wish i had the words to express how much.

but i don't. i don't have the words to tell you how blessed i was yesterday after updating my facebook status getting text message after text message telling me someone commented on my status. shaun too couldn't believe all of you all out there. :0)

so often you all have given me some vitural hugs. here is my chance to do the same for you. so (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
and thanks. for everything.

through all of this i can still tell you. god is still good. and i can still tell you i don't understand the whys of life, but i trust and know my loving savior does. and that is what i rest in.

before it's off.

2009-08-18T07:49:00.001-05:00

i wanted to say hi. before i shut my computer off. yep. off. i have some stuff i want to/need to get my house in order. because i am having a discovery toys party tonight. i've totally forgotten to mention it on my blog. i'm sorry!! so if any of you are interested in coming on over tonight, it starts at six. my hubby should be home and has said he'll watch the kiddos during the party. ((that means yours too. he doesn't mind. i asked!)) if you're interested perhaps in ordering here is a link to the catalog. you can just email me if you're interested in coming and need directions, or if you'd like to order, with your order. discovery toys offers you a $10 off coupon with a $40 order, for the new book in september. and with a $50 order you'll get a free re-useable tote bag. :0) i LOVE their toys. and games. and am looking forward to earning free toys.

it's crazy to think amelya is starting 'pre-k' stuff in fall. if you don't know already, i am planning on homeschooling. so i've already worked with amelya on a lot of things. but when fall comes i want to get a bit more structured. i don't know exactally how i want to do everything yet, but i've been starting to think more and more about it. she'll be four and a half in september. so it's 'time' to start a little something. i don't think i'll get too structured until first grade-ish. i'll start pre-k and kindergarten and gradually work into everyday for a few hours type of stuff. i'm excited and nervous all at once to be a 'teacher'. :0) really i'm a teacher everyday. all moms and dads are. our kids are watching us constantly and we're teaching them by our actions daily.

we had a busy weekend. on sunday we had baptism at our church. well technically not AT our church. we went to a local beach and had baptism. here is a link to baptism pictures on facebook. there were eight people baptized! it was a great day of worship and fellowship as well. i taped a song of worship as well. if you watch it, please disregard my singing. lol. it's a great song. enjoy!

tomorrow is my ultrasound. i've still felt okay about it. not scared at all. i'm excited. either way i guess we'll finally find out what's going on. i had another dream this weekend that they handed me the ultrasound picture of the baby and heartbeat. so i can only say i'm praying the dream comes true. :0) shaun is taking off of work to come with me. so it's nice that we'll be able to go together. a friend offered to watch the kiddos for us as well. so that works out super great. i also have a show tomorrow night. i'm nervous in a way. like if we get not so good news...i'll have to 'suck it up' in a sense and go to my party. but it also could be a bit of a distraction. i'm praying i'll be able to share with them the precious ultrasound picture of my upcoming baby! :0) yesterday at mom's group i was telling a friend there about everything that went on last week. she said that she was shoveling horse hay during the week last week and said she felt awful for not praying on monday for a miracle. ((my prayer request at mom's group last week was that it'd just happen naturally...i hadn't even considered the miracle factor)) i told her it was okay. and that many of my blogging friends had already been doing so! and that i felt bad doubting god COULD do a miracle.

so tomorrow we find out if his miracle will potentially live here on earth, or is already living in heaven. i can't wait to go and just know. i have a peace still about all of it. thanks for the continued prayers. and the appt is at two tomorrow. in case you want to pray 'at the exact second'. ;0) i will do my best to update you all as soon as i can tomorrow. like i said i have my wildtree party to do. so i may not get time until later tomorrow evening! just to 'warn' you.

alright i'm off. i just have to 'organize' the chaos in the house today. it's not really too messy. but i know having the computer off will help me from 'just checking' something. :0)

so have a great day. and i'll do my best to get back on track with this whole blogging and commenting thing after life slows down a bit!! i've been pretty awful this summer!!

ps. hope you enjoy the facebook pictures and video!

what i found out today...

2009-08-13T18:34:00.000-05:00

is not a whole lot. but since you all have said you're waiting on the update i figured i'd better do that quick!!

i've forgotten to mention that amelya has been going to VBS this week at a local church. she's been LOVING it and comes home teaching me what she's learned. so sweet. we have to go there tonight a bit early so they can perform songs they've learned.

okay. the update.

it really isn't much. but it isn't bad. so that's good.

the ultrasound tech, same one i had last week...and i love her, said she's not sure why the dr. ordered this ultrasound yesterday. ((it was a dr on call..my dr is on vacation...or as they say 'out of the office'...)) the nurse apparently wrote down that my dates and ultrasound 'matched' last week. they didn't. the u/s tech said had the dr known that he wouldn't have ordered the u/s.

so what we did find out.

last week i measured at four weeks. this week i measured at five weeks. so my gestational sac is growing appropriately. it is still too early to see anything. at five weeks sometimes you do. and sometimes you don't see a yolk sack.

last week there were two spots on the ultrasound. i noticed, as did the tech, today there was only one. so the other spot 'absorbed' back into me apparently because i did not, and have not, had any bleeding.

the u/s tech brought up something 'interesting' she said that you can sometimes be pregnant with twins and one doesn't make it. your hcg levels can do 'funny' things. so i asked her if perhaps that other spot 'could have been' another baby. she said it very well could have been.

SO. maybe it was. maybe it wasn't. either way the sac that is still there is growing nicely. and how it 'should' be.

in a way the news is neutral. because your gestational sack can still grow even if a baby is not. but for right now i still remain hopeful that there is in fact a baby growing in there.

so now i wait til next week. still. lol. my ultrasound is scheduled for 2 on wednesday. next week will tell us for sure what is going on.

i did meet with the oncall doctor today. ((he was super nice and informative!!)) he said he could run hcg levels but it really wouldn't tell us too much. so i chose not to. i will continue to wait on my god.

but let me tell you this. i was SO nervous this morning. as we pulled into the parking ramp at the hospital. i felt this crazy overwhelming make you wanna cry peace. i felt it. i'm SO serious. it was amazingly beautiful. i can only describe it, as undescribable. because i should've been nervous and more scared then. but i wasn't. i can only attribute that to your prayers. thanks so much.

i also had a sweet friend call me when i was in the u/s. do you know when it was. at one. do you know when this sweet friend called me at exactally? one. i didn't tell you what time my appt was. so to me friends...that was god. thanks sweet friend. :0) you know who you are...you made me cry. and then laugh out loud hysterically. hope the bee sting is better. ;0)

so with that...i'm off to find some supper.

today.

2009-08-13T08:59:00.000-05:00

so i have only a few minutes to post. i've been up alllllllllllllllllllllllllllll morning. since like five. with a crying baby. then sleep for a bit. then cry for a long time. then sleep. cry. and now he's sleeping again. it's been a long morning. breigh is content with sesame street for right now. and the other girlies are asleep yet.

i got my ultrasound moved to today. i actually called yesterday because i had two people ask me about progesterone levels and if they were 'good' or 'bad'. ((i had them tested last week. the level was 'okay'. not as high as it 'should' be, but definitely not 'bad' either...it was 10.93. i have not had it tested since last week))

because two completely different people asked me about it, i decided to call. only because then i would feel better and not wonder. well my dr. is on vacation or something. so the dr. on call ((who i've only heard GOOD things about...*whew*)) said 'the numbers aren't rising appropriately...you can come in earlier for an ultrasound to check viability'

the nurse who called me was super nice. and called me hun. sometimes that weirds me out, but it didn't with her. so i got in. today. at one.

it's so crazy. because since i found out i've been struggling with feeling SO scared. i have not felt scared this entire time. i know it's only 'fear' from the enemy. but it's still there. i just keep praying. and praying some more.

you know how you always dream what you're thinking about? well since yesterday all i've been thinking about is finding out bad results at the ultrasound today. to tell you the truth...i'm 'preparing' myself for that...only because then it will be 'easier' to hear...

well last night i had at least two dreams about the ultrasound. except...they were GOOD results. the one the ultrasound tech started crying and pointing out how we could see the heartbeat! and the other dream was that there were heartbeatS. twins. now i guess that is a bit of a scary dream too...lol. not that i wouldn't take twins. it would just take awhile to get used to the thought. scary maybe isn't the 'right' word, but the only word that came to me.

so it was just so nice to have 'good' dreams about it. in fact anytime i've dreamt about this baby it's always been good. i'm not saying that means anything. but it's also been really nice to dream something good. you know?

regardless of the results today...god is still so so good. he's still so faithful to me. and to you. he's also still so loving. and when i get 'home' to him...i'll see the full picture he sees and 'get' all of this. i'll be able to understand the 'why' of things. and i'll be shown even moreso the love of my father.

it's an awesome love. it's a love NO ONE else shows me. not even shaun. because as great, and awesome and sweet and loving shaun is. he's still human. he still fails me. as i do him. but god doesn't. and won't. so i continue to rest in his arms and not let the enemy get a foot hold of my heart and emotions. because anything the enemy brings is not good. at all. and everything god bring is good. all good. all the time.

so thanks for the continued prayers. i will try to update later on the ultrasound. and with that i'm done. the girls are now all awake and diapers and clothes are calling to be changed. ;0)