"popp"ing out one letter at a time

random

2012-01-23T13:59:00.001-06:00

a random post.
mainly because i have time.
it's fun.
and then i don't have to worry about jumping all over the place in what i say.

and really what a i have to say, is a bunch of nothing. but given the opportunity to ramble...i usually will. :)

first off, i feel bad about making you feel like you HAD to comment on my posts. it's okay if you don't. i'm guilty of the same thing...reading, and not commenting. i just was super surprised that i had zero comments. so please don't feel pressured. read. don't comment. :)

i've been coming along nicely with my crocheting. i really have been so blessed by it. really blessed. it's something fun to do during rest time. after the kids go to bed. or at craft night. (i actually feel like i'm using craft night as i should now! lol) i finished some hats over the weekend and am almost done with a hello kitty hat for a friend. it's so much fun. seriously FUN.

speaking of crochet reminds me of a dear friend of mine. veronica. the one who lives in california. the one i visited last january. guess what?!! i'm so stinking excited to announce i'm going back to california!! i've wanted to go back since the day i left. and really have been praying about going back. well shaun decided to let that be my birthday present. so i'm going the day after my birthday in april. from a wednesday to sunday. i've told shaun and veronica both, i'm so excited to just go and hang out for a weekend. i really don't have a need to go sight seeing, as i saw quite a bit in january. i just want to go and hang out with a dear friend. i'd love to be able to bring the whole family, but plane tickets times 6 people is a lot more than just one ticket. ;) so for now, it's just me. i hope to drive out there one day as well. so my whole family can see the beauty of california. there is just something about that place that has my heart. i'm not really sure why/what does. but since i was a little girl i've always dreamt about california. so it's truly another dream come true to go back.

the only downfall to the entire trip is going to be missing our church's women's retreat. as of right now it's "unofficially" scheduled for the same weekend i'm going to be in california. i honestly was really bummed about it when i found out. but have been praying non-stop for God to just give me a peace about it all. if i'm supposed to be going to the women's retreat He'll work it out. and if i'm not...well at least my reason for missing it, is california. :) honestly since i've left the women's retreat last year, i've been looking forward to this years. so i hold the same feelings for it. the fellowship of the women is so much fun, and the teaching last year is still speaking to me.

i love the women of our church. i've been blown away by the friendships God has blessed me with. and i've been surprised by a few as well. one of my most dear friends is someone i never would've thought i'd be "cool" enough for. i admitted this to her after we were talking once, and she laughed at me. it's been truly great. there is another woman at church who is a great sew-er. (i'm not sure how to spell sew-er without it looking like sewer. ANYWAYS!) she once led a craft night of helping with alterations, or just sewing things. i am not a sew-er. at all. but wanted to make amelya a case for her nook for her birthday....so jean offered to help me do that! i'm so excited. i'm going there this weekend and we're going to make it. her husband is out of town for the weekend, so it'll be something nice for her too. :) i always like have plans when shaun works late/or is gone. (which thankfully he is never usually "gone" as much as he is late)

we had friends over for a game/snack night this weekend. it was a lot of fun. and it wasn't even too crazy with 9 kids in our house! we really don't "host" a lot. i'm not sure why, but i really want to try and change that. this was one step in that direction. one of our friends from church is always hosting someone's family. and i think it's great. (i LOVE being hosted by them, beth is a fantastic cook, and the fellowship is always super fun) so that's a goal of mine for the new year...invite people over more! because you can't go wrong with playing games. it's always fun when people are competitive like i am. it doesn't really matter if you win, but it's the competitiveness playing that i love. the laughs while playing are fun too.

i've been able to borrow out my maternity clothes to two sweet friends who are pregnant. it's nice to be able to share them. when i was folding them i was thinking about how my clothes have been shared with 6 different people, besides myself. ((i seriously could cloth a small pregnant village with the amount of clothes i have!)) i love my maternity wardrobe, so it is nice to share it with others. and since i will not need it again, it's nice to have it worn by dear friends before goodwilling/selling it.

we are selling our carseat this week too. it's weird to see all this baby stuff leave our house. yet it's a good weird. a end of a chapter i guess. as of right now, and the near future, it's a chapter i don't see beign opened again. i also know that the Lord is in control. and while i feel that i will never birth another baby, i can't say that i don't see any more kids in our house. we'll just have to see what the Lord has in store for our family. our decisions are all led by Him.

hmmm. i'm not sure i have anything more random to talk about. that's a surprise. i think i'm going to enjoy the rest of my chicken noodle soup lunch and some cosby show re-runs. ((i can't tell you how excited i was to see that they played the cosby show on one of our few channels. lol))

to my husband,

2012-01-19T09:00:00.000-06:00

to my husband, on your birthday...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY. it seems weird that we get older along with the kiddos. i'm officially married to a 31 year old today. it seems do weird that we can even be that old already! but you're still married to a "20 something" (for a year and a half yet. lol)

i love you. and i hope your birthday is grand. how much grander can it get, when we're going to look at leasing a different tractor? i love your love for all things john deere and farming. i wish we lived "back then" so you could just farm our land. you work so hard for our family, and i appreciate and am in awe of all of the work you do. without your hard work, i wouldn't be able to stay home with our babies. so thank you. i'm so proud of how you work so hard. and you do it all with no complaining. you work unto the Lord.

you are the best daddy in the world. i love watching you be a daddy. i still remember the tears in your eyes after each one of our babies were born. i'm so blessed by your sensitive spirit and soft heart. i'm so blessed that our kids get so excited each time they see you come home. i'm so blessed by you, period.

you are my best friend. i couldn't imagine my life without you in it. you have stuck with me through all of the valleys and up the steep mountains of life. i love you so much. and i don't think i'll ever be able to show you exactly HOW much.

i'm so proud of you and how much you've grown over this last year. i love seeing God work in you and through you. i love how you are stepping out of your box a little bit more each day. and that can only come from the Lord. ;)

i always write these letters and give my words of "advice" to the kiddos. i have no "advice" for you, because you have it down. so i'll encourage you...keep on keeping Jesus at the center of everything. you're better for it. we're better for it. and the family is better for it. i love you. and i love that you love Jesus more.

happy birthday baby.
forever and always. and a day after that.
amanda

accomplishments

2012-01-14T11:00:00.000-06:00

i've decided, if you ever take a month off from blogging...you'll get zero comments on your "come back" post. ;) so i'm not even sure if there are any of you reading this. but i'm blogging anyways.

i learned to crochet in november. i've been working hard on learning new stitches and creating new things. to think i started out like THIS!! i'm seriously embarassed...but you have to start SOMEWHERE!

eventually i got a little better...and made myself a scarf.

then i did wascloths for Christmas gifts. (i also did scarves for Christmas gifts...BUT still am working on them. i got 2 and 1/3 scarves finished. ;) i put a little too much on my plate with that, especially to get them done in less than a month.)

my goal was a flower and a hat. i got the flower down pretty well. (and various other flowers as well! woo hoo)

and i turned it into a hairclip.

then i tried a hat. the first one fit...a baby doll.

then i got one to fit evaleigh.

and in the mean time...my awesome friend, veronica, sent me a whole load of yarn. seriously. she's great!!

i used that to practice a new pattern for a washcloth...

and then an owl hat. because i think they are so cute. and i will refrain from pointing out all my errors. it is not perfect. but i finished it.

dustin loved it too.

i've also been blessed to teach amelya and breigh how to do a simple chain and single crochet. breigh was trying to teach caitlyn. the best part was her comment "this is how i used to do it, when i was little". lol.

since it seems i have no pictures of amelya crocheting/in any of my projects...here is a cute picture of her. :) (plus these are all just from my phone that i posted to facebook, so don't mind the poorer quality)

amelya got a nook for Christmas, from shaun's sister. she's LOVING it. and my sister and shaun's other sister got her some barnes and noble gift cards. so she's been buying up her favorite boxcar children books.

it's amazing through all of my crocheting how God has been working on me. i usually am VERY critical of myself. and get frustrated and mad. and then usually quit. so i'm so thankful for the talent He has blessed me with. and the patience He has given me with myself. and even more thankful for my sweet friend, jana, who took the time to teach me the basics. i'm praying about this talent. and seeing what God has for me in it. i'd love to have the opportunity to make things to help supply our family with a little bit of income. clearly not a lot, but something would be really nice. so we'll see what God has in store. :)

i'm baaaaaaaaaaack. ;)

2012-01-10T15:12:00.000-06:00

i really took an unintended leave of absence from my blog.
but really....it was a really great thing.
i was able to focus on things in my house. with my family. friends. just life in general.

in fact. this is the first time in WEEKS my computer has even been on. and really, the only reason it is on today, is because we have a co-op tomorrow that i have to teach. so i need to plan. ((yes, i'm a procrastinator. but i truly work better last minute))

we had a super great Christmas. my family came over the 23rd. we had my grandparents the 24th. and shaun's grandparents and mom on the 25th. so needless to say, it was a JAM packed weekend.

we cut way back on Christmas gifts this year. and it was so nice. honestly? it was the least stress i've ever had about Christmas. for most of the years before this one, except ONE that i can remember, we've paid for 99% of Christmas with credit cards. this year, since we paid off most of our credit card debt in november, we purposed to not ADD to it anymore. not at all.*
*except in cases of EXTREME emergency
because of this, we had to cut back. and guess what?! Christmas was just as grand as it has been in years past. ((point: we used to spend EASILY $75-100 on each of our kids for Christmas. this year? $30-40. they didn't care one bit. and loved each gift.))
it honestly feels so good to know that i won't be paying for Christmas til next Christmas and beyond. it's paid for. and it was wonderful.

at my grandparents we take a picture of everyone. each family. each family's family. ((ie. my parents, and sister and i. and then my family. my sisters family. etc)) it used to be more pictures...but we've cut out some. here is our sweet family. :)

i got my hair cut and styled right before Christmas...i love it. you can't tell too much in this picture, but i got some purple right under my bangs in the front. just to be "different and fun". so it's not quite a mom's haircut maybe? lol. but i must say...LOVE my short hair. so glad i did it. and i love the dark. i used to be super blonde...so this is the opposite end of the spectrum, but i think i like this better. i'm all for changing it up.

the past few weeks, we've been trying to catch up on things in the house. i can happily say...you can see my laundry room floor again. whew. i worked on it awhile ago. then it got set on the back burner. and it's back to pretty decent again. we have some totes of things that need to be gone through. but at least the stuff is in a tote, and not all over. ((it's times like this i wish i had a better basement. because then i'd have storage. we have one small attic off of our bedroom, and that's it. so because our laundry room is so big it becomes a storage place too. i'm hoping to get through that stuff in the next month or so. and have a completely cleaned laundry room.))

i've never been the best at housekeeping. growing up my room was always a mess. and unfortunately a lot of that carried over into our house after we got married. it was not until the past year that i've really gotten it down. ((yes, my awesome husband has put up with my slobby self for this long.)) i guess before, i didn't care. i don't really know. i can't explain it. because it stressed me out. to the max. but i would always wait til people were coming, and clean like a banchee the night/morning before they came. stress. i'm so glad that God has worked on my heart, and now when i have people coming i can just pick up the stuff. but i don't need to stress. because my house is in order. not always clean. but for sure in order. i used to make sure the laundry room door was ALWAYS shut though, because that room was not clean OR in order. i still will make sure it's shut, because of the totes. but if it isn't, at least i won't be embarassed. i seriously walk around our house saying, thank you, Lord. for giving me the motivation to get this house in order. to have a clean house. that i don't care where anyone goes. i don't have to be ashamed of any of it.

i have to get our closet in order yet. but that's a project of going through things. weeding out the old. taking out the maternity (that is all in totes anyways) i'm hoping to tackle that in the next month too. i like to give myself enough time. so that way i can't fail as easily. :)

i've fallen off the workout routine. this week i've added in shakeology again. and i've noticed in just TWO days how my energy is better and i'm not as tired. mainly because i'm actually "eating" something. and it's a good something. i've decided to wait til after my "friend" arrives for the month to start my workout again. mainly because that is draining enough, and i will feel better if i wait.

i stepped on the scale yesterday and was nothing less than disappointed in myself. BUT i know i can do it. i need to keep with it. shaun has been really great at encouraging me. and it's nice to have support from him. i just wish it wasn't winter in wisconsin! lol. i'd love to go walking/running more outside. but i hate the cold. and will avoid doing anything outside at all costs. so it's back to turbo fire. i wish i would've not let myself talk myself into just quitting it.

but i was in a valley. and it felt overwhelming to workout. actually to do a lot of things. so now that i've picked myself up out of that valley, i'm ready to do the workout again. i was also thankful for clarity of mind over the past few months. through my valley, i was dealing with a lot of things...but i was equipped. and was able to keep on plugging through it without letting the weight of things get me down. i also think, after dealing with post partum depression in the past, i was able to see the signs myself of a "depressed" like attitude and work through it, and talk to people about it. God is soooo good to give me the people i need in my life to talk to. and a pastor who was willing to say that depression is real. and if you're battling it...imagine what God is trying to do in your life that the enemy is fighting for you so badly. that spoke VOLUMES to me.

this post is really all over the place. i apologize for that. i need to cut out now though, because i have a lesson to prepare!! :)
i really truly hope to be back before weeks pass again!!

on my mind.

2011-12-09T08:34:00.001-06:00

if you have not heard, michelle duggar had a miscarriage. when i found out yesterday my heart dropped. i feel awful for them. i do not care if it was their 20th baby. a miscarriage is devestating.

i've seen a TON of people saying, well maybe this is God's way of telling them they're done. well they already have 19 kids. enough is enough. maybe now she'll learn.

can i tell you how much it hurts my heart to hear these things? i can't even begin to tell you.

from someone who has been there, and heard some of those very same things. they hurt. regardless if you have kids already or not. the comments hurt like crazy.

i remember after losing our second baby in 09, i was at the mall with the four. (aged about 4,3,2,1) and someone looked at me and said, well you aren't having more are you. (with a look of disgust on her face) i honestly don't remember my answer to her. but i remember crying in the mall bathroom because of the hurt i was still feeling from losing two babies in a few months. i'm holding back tears now. what sometimes people fail to remember, or maybe think of, is that you don't know the story behind the smile.

everyone has their own story. their own hurts. and you can't tell, most of the time, what they are just by looking at them. i've made myself become more mindful of the things I say because of the things that have been said to me through things.

nothing hurts more when you are suffering a miscarriage and have someone tell you, well maybe it's God's way of telling you to slow down, your body can't handle it. *maybe* that could be what God is telling me. but when you are suffering through the very event, it hurts to hear that. after the fog settles after a miscarriage and you search out exactly what God was doing, you'll realize that He works all things out for good. and even as disgusting and devestating a miscarriage can be...good can, and DOES come from it.

and i don't care how many children michelle duggar already has. a loss is a loss. a baby is a baby. it was her child. she is mourning the loss of a child. a child she never got to hear cry. see crawl. walk. grow up. a child she will only get to hold in her hands and wonder "what it would've been like." if you have never gone through something like that...i'm so glad. and if you have...you know exactly how hard it is. to say that they already have 19 kids, is so silly. i'll admit...it's stupid. ignorant. if you've never suffered a loss, you have no idea how hard it is to be so stinkin' excited about that positive test. start picking out names. only to be told, there is no heartbeat. and to have to go through the process of having a "surgery", or even sometimes having to deliver this baby, or waiting for your body to realize there isn't a pregnancy anymore.

it sucks. it down right sucks. and the very God who took that baby away from you. is the very God you cling to through all of it. and the only thing that can get you through something so devestating.

and when your due date rolls around, your mind wonders and imagines what that precious baby would look like. who it would take after. what your family would be like with that precious baby. the reality you know, is how your family is without them.

this is the third miscarriage that i have heard of in recent weeks. and each time i hear of one...my heart breaks into pieces. tears form in my eyes. and it takes me back to the emotions that come with it. and how they must be feeling. i honestly hate it.

i hate that anyone has to feel those things. go through those things. i wish i could take away the hurt for them. i pray that they never have to feel those feelings again.

through all of the "hate" of it. i trust God. and know His plan truly is good. i think it's okay to get sad, mad, upset, etc about it...as long as there is no sin attached to it. it's what we do with the feelings that matter the most. and i do my best to be there for my friends.

because believe it or not, even though i've gone through a miscarraige three times. (once before amelya, twice between dustin and evaleigh) i have NO idea what to say. because there is nothing i can say to make it better.

my advice, not that you asked, but in case you're wondering...is just a hug. or a what can i get for you at the store. or here's dinner, enjoy! or did you want me to take (one of their kids if they have one) for awhile. or i'm praying. be there for them. you don't have to SAY anything. just be there to listen to them. to cry with them. to hold them. to love them. and a few months down the road, ask them how they're doing. when their due date comes up, remember it. and then ask them how they're doing.

because sometimes it feels as if the only person who remembers those babies. are the mommas. i KNOW that is not the case. but it feels weird to maybe talk about the baby you never met either. let me tell you...it meant so much to me when people asked how i was doing after losing our babies. it showed me that i wasn't the only one who remembered my precious babies.

i have so much on my heart about this topic. mainly because it is so close and dear to my heart. i don't want women to be "ashamed" they had to suffer a loss. or to cover it up. or not tell people.

nothing made me more excited the other night when a friend on facebook, who has suffered through two miscarriages, announced her pregnancy...at 7 weeks. to not be scared to share the pregnancy before "knowing". to allow people to pray for you from the beginning. ((the only thing i wish i could do differently is share our pregnancy in august of 09, and then share we lost the baby. it was a lot harder sharing a baby who was no longer with us, and that no one knew about in the first place.))

i don't know the "proper" way to end a post like this. it feels all over the place. but i really just wanted to share what was on my mind about it. to caution those who want to say hurtful things, to think about what they say. and to encourage those of you who know someone who has suffered a miscarriage, to talk to them.

i'm off to wake up my precious evaleigh. the four big kids were with their nana last night, making Christmas goodies. it is WAY TOO quiet here! and i miss them something terrible. i actually almost cried yesterday when they left. i've never gotten like that before. and i'm super excited for them to be home again. blessed. that's me.

Miss E's new talent...

2011-12-05T07:19:00.000-06:00

i am loving my new phone. and the great video/pictures it can take. and i got a great video of miss evaleigh walking last night. she is proud of herself. and i just love seeing her keep on trying. just don't mind my annoying voice. i seriously do not like hearing myself on video/recordings/etc. but i'll get over it. :)

enjoy!!

catching up.

2011-11-30T13:50:00.000-06:00

again. it's been forever.
BUT we totally enjoyed last week with shaun home. all week. it was so nice. he has never once taken a week off, and we didn't go anywhere on vacation. we just hung out together as a family. it was so nice.

we also enjoyed our anniversary. my sister in law had told us she'd watch the kiddos for us. and then ended up taking them with my other sister in law and mother in law to a local Christmas parade. the kids loved it. and i loved getting dinner with shaun. before dinner he made a surprise "pit stop". we had already talked about not getting each other big gifts. he was buying a truck so that was sort of our understanding. well he surprised me by going to sprint first. i hated my cell phone. like really disliked it. hate may be a very strong word. but the thing annoyed me. so he pulled into sprint and said...we're going in there. and you're going to get a new phone.

i was in shock. mainly because i didn't qualify for any discounts yet. and we'd have to be full price. i argued that with him a bit. he looked at me. and said, "submission". so i sumbitted. and we went in to find a phone. i had my eye on an iPhone. but after talking it through with someone at the store, earlier in the week, i decided to forgo that. then was looking at the EVO's. when a worker came and asked how he could help. i told him to tell me which evo was best. he asked me if i wanted a phone that i would still love 2 years from now. YES!! i did. and he pulled his own phone out of his pocket and suggested the samsung Galaxy S II.

i played with his, and the store's phone. and loved it. so that's what i went with. i was so blessed by shaun for that. later in the night he told me, how i deserve to be spoiled once in awhile and that i deserved something really nice because of what a great job i do taking care of him and our family. ((side note:: i'm totally spoiled every day...i do not deserve it!)) i also found a cute case for it black friday shopping. ;)

we also were able to go truck shopping for shaun this past saturday. and found a great truck in our price range. and was blessed to be able to write out the check and own the truck. he's the proud owner of a 2004 silverado. a HUGE improvement on his 1997 dodge. lol. we joked that in a few years we could get antique plates for it! but in all seriousness God blessed us with that dodge more than we can say. that thing should've quit working a long time ago. but God saw it through that til we could afford a truck and have no payments.

another huge thing...well way huge to me. and something i haven't really shared on here at all. through the course of my depression/post partum depression i bought a LOT of stuff. i bought it all with credit cards. if i wasn't charging things on my card, i was using shaun's online. i had the numbers memorized. it wasn't til this past summer i realized how bad it was. and how i didn't even know how we were going to be paying for things in the next day, week or month. i called and worked out a payment plan with one card. (i had three, and then shaun's one) and God provided for those payements on all of them. i had no idea why He even should've. i didn't deserve it. after all i was so incredibly unwise with what He had given us to begin with. i also opened up to shaun how bad it was. he knew there was debt, but didn't realize the magnitude of it. when he should've gotten so angry and mad at me. and walked right away from me. (i deserved at least all that) he looked at me. hugged me. and said...it will be okay. ((i didn't deserve that at all. but as Christ loves me and the church, it is how my husband has vowed and promised to love me.)) well last week we were able to talk about the amounts and decide where to put money. and we were able to completely pay off all three of my cards. and a chunk of his. ((we decided that since we were affording his payment easily each month, to keep plugging away on that and use the other money in a different situation, and then in spring/summer next year to pay his off.)) we are blessed to be farmers. we are blessed to have God on our side. and be able to afford making huge payments on things. i know without my farmer husband i would have to work. and we'd be singing a different song about this situation now. i remember being in tears on the way to the bank last week. in awe of everything God has done through me in the past few years, and even more so in the past few month. we serve an amazing God. it was also very nice to be able to bless our church because of how God blessed us. i told shaun without God and without our church i don't know how we would've made it this past year. i would also like to thank my sweet friends for praying these past few months. i felt each and every one of those prayers and thank you for not judging me. for accepting me. for loving me. for that i am grateful.

whew...that got way more serious than i thought or intended! anyways...
i've also learned to crochet in recent weeks. i LOVE it. i have always wanted to learn. and when i mentioned it to a friend she offered to teach me. i was so excited. i've only mastered 3 stitches...but am loving it. i'm hoping to finish up some Christmas gifts with this talent. my problem is that i am way to hard on myself and need to learn to cut myself some slack. i'm slowly getting better at that. :) and my goal is to make some cute hats and clippies like my friend veronica. ((check out her super cute store!)) i have been working on mainly scarves and wash clothes. you know...easy and straight things! lol. something like veronica's is my goal...isn't it cute!!

and then when i get back to cali to visit her, we can sit outside in the cali sunshine crocheting, giggling, and talking together. which sounds really nice about now on this cold day in wisco. and with snow in the forecast.

my sister had her baby the 19th. it was so weird holding him and thinking how evaleigh was just a bit bigger than him 17 months ago. amazing how time flies! here is me and mr. carson.

it was amazing to me. mainly because i enjoyed seeing/holding/breathing in all the newborn goodness. but had no desire to be holding my own newborn. i've never experienced that feeling before. ever. i've always wanted to be pregnant the second i wasn't. ((okay not THE SECOND...but very soon after)) i always couldn't wait to have my own little baby again. but now. i'm content. i'm completely satisfied. and i know that only God can give those feelings to me.

i truly feel that this feeling of being done, is all from God. and He does tell us when to be done. it's a decision we've prayed about for a long time. since having caitlyn really. because WE thought we were done after having her. clearly God had other plans. ;) and since we've had evaleigh and given ourselves over a year to pray about it...it's amazing at how clear God's plan is for our family. although...i've found myself getting teary eyed as evaleigh has taken steps across our living room in the past few days.

so yes. we're blessed. blessed beyond belief.
i mean seriously...does it get any cuter than this?!

i love them. they helped decorate the tree. i personally LOVE the clumped together ornaments. and the beauty of the smiles in their faces and eyes as they helped. memories are so much more important than a perfect looking tree.

to shaun on our anniversary...

2011-11-22T08:02:00.002-06:00

happy anniversary, babe.

i can't believe it has been eight years since we said "i do". it seems crazy to think it has been eight years.

i remember walking down the aisle and seeing the tears freely flowing from your eyes and thanking God for the man He brought to me. ((i also remember thinking how surprised i was that I wasn't crying.)) our whole day was beautiful. i remember thinking how surreal the entire day felt. and yet how perfectly real.

you've put up with me for this long...and there isn't any turning back now! and i thank you for that. the past eight years have brought plenty of ups and plenty of downs. yet through it all we've clung closer to God and closer to each other. i look back at all of the things that have happened and see how wonderfully perfect it all has been...how it has shaped and molded us into the individuals we are...and the couple we are.

each day i look at you and into those eyes of yours...and i realize how stinkin' blessed i am. i can feel the love you have for me each time i look at you. and i'm so very thankful for that love. i don't deserve it a lot of the times, yet you give it to me. i think you're a wonderful example of how a man should love his wife...just as Christ has loved His church. i only pray that i am the wife that i need to be for you.

where i lack...you abound...you fit me perfectly like a piece of a puzzle. i'm so thankful for you. i'm so thankful for the man you are. i've seen you grow and change so much in the past eight years. i've seen you step up and step out so much this past year it's been amazing to see the work of God in and through you. i don't deserve you. and yet you choose to love me. and i realize how blessed i am. ((and i know i've said that already...i just want you to know!!))

i'm so thankful i get to be the momma of our kiddos with you. parenting these blessings have stretched and moved us so much. but i'm so thankful to be a parent with you. to watch you be a daddy is one of the most amazing things to me. and to watch you work hard for our family and it allowing me to stay home, i thank you. you'll never know how thankful i am for that. for you. for everything.

i love you. more than you'll ever know. i'm so glad that you weren't too shy to ask me to prom. and ask me out. and ask me "so will you marry me". we may not have some romantic proposal story...but to me...it doesn't matter. it doesn't define us. or our relationship. and to me...we have the most pefect-est story of all.

i love you. forever. and always. and a day after that.

happy anniversary.

i love you.

your bunny.

mandie.

amanda.

and every other little nickname i have been given. :)

the Word on wednesday.

2011-11-16T07:35:00.000-06:00

i took this picture when we were at a park a month or so ago. i was brave enough and climbed to the top of the tower. ((i get really...REALLY anxious with heights.)) i loved the picture. and found a perfect scripture to go with it.

worth it.

2011-11-08T07:47:00.000-06:00

on some of those crazy days i wonder, am i doing anything right?
then i walk into the living room and see this.

and i know.
yep.
i am.
and it is all worth it.

blobs of random.

2011-11-04T17:22:00.002-05:00

because I am very random. and i love random posts by others. i thought i'd share some random blobs.

* my sister was in the hospital today with contractions. she is 35 weeks pregnant. she had my niece before this point. they sent her home just a bit ago with the contractions having slowed down. i'm praying they stay that way and mr. carson stays inside a bit longer. :)

* amelya has a top tooth loose. i'm sort of excited to see her without her two front teeth...maybe *just* in time for Christmas. :)

* breigh has turned into an awesome reader. i was almost crying during schooltime today realizing just how far she has come.

* caitlyn has reverted to talking like a baby. it is beyond frustrating. we're working on it, and refuse to talk to her when she talks like a baby. that has been working, and i'm noticing less and less baby talk.

* dustin is the sweetest little boy ever. at his doctor's appointment the other day he made sure to open and close the door for the doctor and the nurses.

* evaleigh is almost 16 months old. and is getting close to maybe thinking about walking. i'm a little sad about that.

* i need to get my eyebrows waxed. my hair appointment isn't for 2 weeks. i'm seriously thinking of plucking them myself. i just can't bear to do it. i hate it. i would rather pay someone to put me in pain. it is going to be a long 2 weeks. :)

* shaun works this weekend. the last few weekends when he worked he didn't get called in. i'm waiting for one of the "bad" weekends. because i know it must be coming.

* we have a women's Bible study at church on friday mornings. i've been so blessed by it. i seriously was in tears this morning at study thanking God for the most awesome church family ever.

* i love seeing my kids with their friends. every time they see each other they act like it has been YEARS. i love it. i'm so thankful for the most awesome friends for my kids. and that they're a part of our awesome church family. so as my relationship grows with the mommas, my kids can grow the friendships with the kiddos. so in the same breath, i'm SO thankful for the friends God has placed in my life through our church. and of course the few of you outside of church. ;)

* i love the freedom homeschooling has given our family. last week, we took the week off for fall break. and this week has been a great week. i think we all needed the break. i'm thankful that i get to spend each and every second of the day with my kids. i could not imagine having to send them to school for 8 hours a day.

* amelya's next chapter in math is multiplication. i can't believe she's old enough to learn that.

* breigh is awesome at math. and it isn't because i'm her awesome teacher. ;)

* caitlyn is writing her name with no help from me. she's been doing this awhile now. but i'm still astonished.

* dustin is counting to ten. i never taught him that. at all. he just picked it up from us. amazing.

* evaleigh LOVES to color. i'm so proud of her ability to sit when we do school for almost an hour. ((we have moved from blanket time, to table time. she sits at our little tykes table and does "school".))

* today we picked up a quarter steer. while the big lump of money seems like a lot, it is. it's nice to have a freezer full of meat.

* i took a hiatus from working out. but started again this week. and man, i don't know why i quit. it feels so good...in a sore muscle sort of way.

* last month i sold almost 1500 in wildtree. i'm super excited. i'm trying to make it more of a business instead of a hobby. so i can help add to our income. except it's hard for me to do it, because i don't want to seem pushy. ((here's my site in case you're interested. i'm looking for some parties in november yet. ;) ))

* i had strep throat last weekend. it was the most not fun thing in the world. and i had to miss out on taking maternity pictures of my sister. i've also been praying about doing pictures for people. but again, don't want to seem pushy. and maybe lack some confidence in my 'work'.

* shaun is the best husband in the world. mainly because he puts up with me. and loves me more than i deserve.

* i'm looking forward to craft night this week. the fellowship with sweet friends and the mentoring of an older woman in the church teaching us sewing.

* this weekend we have no plans. i love weekends like this.

* here is a picture of me and my sweet kiddos. it's nice to be in front of the camera sometimes. :)

i really have nothing else. and really had "nothing" to begin with, i guess.

* one more. i finished this post at 5:22. may 22nd is our "dating anniversary". awwww...speaking of anniversaries our 8 year wedding anniversary is in a few weeks. crazy!

real life.

2011-10-29T09:10:00.000-05:00

real life isn't pefectly posed pictures of always smiling kiddos.
real life is pictures of kiddos who are TRYING to be pefectly posed and smiling.
real life is the picture above of those results.
i love my real life.

maintaining.

2011-10-27T09:23:00.000-05:00

i haven't done a "topic" post in awhile. and i've had this one floating in my head for awhile. so it's about time i get it out of my head and onto my blog.

when i'm talking about maintaining i'm talking about maintaining our marriage. my marriage. over the past few weeks i've really been ministered to by this through some radio broadcasts and by talking with friends. it's been really good.

the biggest thing we do to maintain our marriage is our devotionals. i've already shared an entire post on this. so i won't go into much detail again. BUT it's been HUGE. HUGE HUGE HUGE for our marriage. we do an in depth study each sunday night. and i find myself looking forward to bedtime for the kiddos on sundays so we can have our time together. it's been awesome seeing us grow. last night we were going through a "summary" of our past "unit" of the book. it was nice to revisit some of the things we've already talked about. and it got me talking about something that had been on my heart for a week. it's so nice to have doors be opened and be given the opportunity to talk about things. and it's huge for me to take the opportunity. not so long ago i would've slammed the door shut as soon as it opened. ((i'm so thankful for not only the growing of our relationship but also the growing of me)) our devotionals draw us closer together and closer to the One at the center of our family.

we pray. to maintain our relationship we pray together. and we pray for each other. i pray constantly for shaun while he is at work. i know he is doing something that isn't the greatest job in the world. but he does it to provide for our family. and i know it kills him to work at least 60 hours a week. no one should have "at least" 60 hours a week in my opinion...that's insane. BUT he does what he needs to do to provide for our family and for that i am so very thankful. because i couldn't imagine my life without staying home with our babies. i know shaun prays for me as well. and those prayers i'm sure are the only thing that help me get through some days. to know i have a prayer warrior praying for me blesses my heart so much.

one of the most fun things we do to maintain our relationship is date night. a few months ago my sister in law called asking what we thought about her coming out "at least" once a month to watch the kiddos. so we can have a date. i didn't have to think at all, and didn't even "okay" it with shaun before i said, ummm YES! that'd be awesome.

so for the past months we've had at least one date night a month. and it's been awesome. actually it's been beyond awesome. it's pretty much the most awesome part of my month. to get some hours alone with my man. and we've gone on a couple of double dates with friends from church as well. and that has been great too. to hang out with just adults and not have to worry about keeping an eye on our kiddos. so not only have shaun and i been growing our relationship, we've been able to grow our relationship with friends as well. which has been awesome. :)

my husband comes only after God. he comes BEFORE my kids. always. no matter what. my kids come in snuggly close after him. but shaun comes before them. i am a wife first. my husband is going to be there (God willing) after my kids are all out of the house. i want to KNOW him after they leave. if i spend 20 plus years putting my kids before my husband....how will i even KNOW him after my kids leave. i need to maintain my relationship with my husband at all times. so when my kids leave, we love and know each other.

i know that there are not awesome sister in laws out there just like mine who offer up their services to you each month. or that some people have zero family around. my challenge to you then, is to get creative. shaun and i will do our devotional each sunday night. and i think that counts as a "date" as well. the tv is off. we're focused on God and each other. we also will sometimes make an ice cream date. so we snuggle up on the couch with some ice cream and just talk after the kiddos are snuggled up in their beds. date night doesn't mean you have to leave your house. it just means you take the time to spend with your spouse only. to get to know them. to love on them. one other thing we love to do is play games. so we'll break out the deck of cards and play a mean game of rummy. or i love othello. or cribbage. or we'll play the wii or xbox together. anything to spend time together and not zoning out to the tv. plus i'm really competitive so i love to beat him. ;) and he knows i'll purposely pick games that i know i can maybe win at. the joke is on me most times, because he wins a lot.

or if you know of a friend who doesn't have helpful family or family around...offer to take their kids! tomorrow we're having a friend's daughter sleep over. our friend's family lives no where near wisconsin and the hubby has travelled most of this month...so since i can fit one extra kid in my car. we're having one of their kiddos (they have two) sleep over tomorrow. so they can get some alone time after the little one goes to bed. and get some special time together. if i could've i would've taken both kiddos. but then one would have to sit on the roof, and well...that's sort of illegal. i figured something is better than nothing. :) i know how much i treasure alone and special time with my husband and i'm glad that i can offer it up to her and her husband.

and if you don't have family around...don't be afraid to ask for your friend's help. because...we're willing to help out! even if we have five kids. seriously. ask. please. your marriage is worth ~~my gray hair~~ it. ;)

so my challenge is to you. maintain your marriage. through prayer and devotions. and date nights*.

*disclaimer:: date nights have been shown to add more children to your family. don't say i didn't warn you.

in all seriousness. i mean this post with all my heart. my marriage is a changed marriage because of the things we do to work on it. marriage is work. hard work sometimes. but worth each ounce of your soul you put into it!

holding daddy's hand...

2011-10-24T13:19:00.000-05:00

i took this picture the other week when we went to a park.

this morning i found the most perfect poem for it.

now i need to print and frame it for the house.

i'm so very blessed to have such an awesome man of God to lead and guide our family.

it's so great to think that I have the best husband in the whole wide world.

to my little man, on your birthday...

2011-10-22T10:40:00.001-05:00

dustin.

you're three today. THREE years old. i cannot believe it. at all.

you are the sweetest little boy i know. the love i see pour out of your heart and soul is amazing to me. and i know that you could've only learned that from the man in our lives, your daddy. i see you doing the things he does already. hugging. cuddling. and telling me that "i love you, my momma". the only way you're going to learn how to be a husband and daddy is by watching your daddy. and i'm SO very thankful you have such a great example to learn from...and it's a blessing to see what you've learned already.

in public you often get told, "you poor boy, with all those sisters." I tell them, he's going to make the perfect husband someday! there is nothing poor about you, mr dustin. you are one of the richest boys i know. not only do you have the best daddy in the world, you have four of the most awesome sisters in the world. who will help you learn all about girls. i'm excited to raise you with sisters. that's another thing you have in common with daddy, he grew up most of his life with only 2 sisters, and i think that's helped him be the sensitive man he is. so your wife is going to be one blessed lady. ((not that i want to even think about you being married, but since i'm already praying for your wife, i may as well acknowledge...it WILL happen someday. ;) ))

even with four sisters...you are all boy. you love all things tractors...but they *should* be green. but you will play with the other colors too. i just giggled the other day when you told a man, that his tractor on his shirt should be green and not blue. :) ((and again an influence of your john deere loving daddy)) you love to play outside. you love to slide down the pole on the swing set. and you love the sand box. you're fine with being dirty, but when you're done being dirty...you have to go wash your hands.

i love watching you with your sisters and play "daddy". or play dress up. or to just be what little brothers can be. ;) the relationship you have with your sisters is rare. i love it. i love that you are all so close to each other. i'm so blessed to see you learn and grow when we do school together. i'm really just so blessed to have been choosen to be your momma.

we found out that you were a boy before you were born. i'll admit...i was a bit scared. i didn't know if i was going to be able to know what to do with a boy, after three girls. you helped me learn that it's really not that different, and yet completely opposite all at the same time. i was excited to get my dustin. you're named after your uncle kyle. and from the stories i've heard about him...you share some of that little "boyness" that he had.

you're a great little brother and a great big brother. i love watching you hug evaleigh. and talk to her sweetly. i often think of your little brother in heaven and miss that he didn't have chance to have you as a big brother. because you would've been great to him too. and i'm sure would've given me gray hairs too. :) i'll be sure to always tell you about your little brother and other little sibling. as well as the older sibling you have. some day when we all get to heaven we'll meet them. :)

i love watching you learn and grow at church. you do amazing in the "big kid" class and have stolen the heart of all your teachers...and mine again because i get to teach you too! you love to learn and listen about Jesus. and when we pray together at night i love the seriousness in your little voice as you pray to God. never stop that seriousness for Him. never stop loving Jesus. never stop holding tight to Him. because even though i love you more than you'll ever ever know....He loves you even more than that.

cling tight to Him by baby boy. love Him. and live for Him.

my dustin. i love you. always and forver and a day after that.
love.
your momma

wordless wednesday.

2011-10-05T17:37:00.000-05:00

{blessed}

"fired up"

2011-10-03T10:22:00.000-05:00

...in a GOOD way. :) i usually use the term fired up for things i get...well fired up about. but today i'm fired up about my workout. mainly because of the name. turbofire.

turbofire is from the same company that brings you P90X. i was familiar with the 'name' of the P90 but never heard of anything else...til i started researching a new program after my 30 day shred. a friend of mine is a 'coach' with beachbody and gave me some more info about beachbody and the other workouts they offered.

i'm not sure if i ever put up my exact 'results' on my blog...but i did on my facebook page...this is what i said there after i was finished::
...did it work? am i shredded?

in a word...yes.
the discouraging part to me has been no weight loss.
BUT muscle DOES weigh more than fat. i have noticed muscles in my arms. and legs. and feel like i'm starting to look they way i want to.
i have lost an inch and a half in my waist. (where my natural bend is/under the breast)
i have lost a good inch around my "widest part" of my legs.
i have had people comment on me "looking good".
so even though i haven't lost pounds...i've lost inches and feel better about myself.

so i was feeling discouraged about no weight loss and since i got used to the working out thing, i wanted to focus more on the weight loss as well. beachbody also offers shakes through something called shakeology.

i was hesitant to try shakes. honestly it was because i haven't found something i LOVED. if i'm going to be doing a shake a day, at least, i wanted something i loved. that didn't taste like sand. and was good. so my friend was awesome enough to send me a sample of the chocolate shake mix. i mixed it with some milk and peanut butter. in a word. AWESOME! it was SO yummy. it seriously tastes like cake or brownie batter. only it's really good for you. ;) so after i had the shake, i was hooked.

i contacted my friend to learn more about the coaching aspect of beachbody. you basically pay 40 bucks to be a coach. and get a 25% discount. the turbofire workout is not 'cheap' it's around 120 bucks. so saving 25% was very appealing to me. i also watched a video on turbo fire before purchasing.

needless to say, i signed up to be a coach. i couldn't resist the deal. i bought turbo fire and a month of shakeology. i was super excited. i got my website, and loaded my "before" picture. it isn't pretty. but i'm planning on changing that! :) ((i keep forgetting to have shaun take a picture of me now to show the progress!))

this is my 5th week of doing turbofire. can i just say...WOW!! it's INTENSE. in fact intense isn't even word enough to describe the feeling after the first week of doing it. i felt like collapsing after each workout and honestly wondered what in the heck am i doing?!? more than one time. but i stuck with it. i knew i could do it. ((and i'm so very thankful for the 30 day shred preparing me! this is more intense than that!)) through the HIIT workouts i've gained endurance and it's amazing now how "easy" a 30 minute workout is. and it's the same 30 minute workout i started with on day one.

i follow the schedule that has been included in my turbofire 'set'. ((it's more than just ONE dvd. it's 12. with a food guide. workout guide. resistance bands. lower leg bands.)) the first four weeks are a HIIT schedule and now the next four are a recovery schedule. there's core work thrown in as well as sculpting and toning. the workout are AWESOME. one thing i loved when i started it was that there is a "new to class" option. so you can click on that and she takes the time to break down each "combo". it makes the workout last a bit longer, but you don't feel as "lost" as you would if it wasn't there.

now i do the workouts without the "new to class" option and rarely feel lost. the workouts are cardio with a bit more cardio worked in. ;) there's upper cuts. hooks. crosses. jabs with some front kicks, back kicks and side kicks thrown in. and yes it sounds crazy. yes it sometimes IS crazy. but after a few days...i got the hang of it. and i, ms. uncordinated can get the hang of it...ANYONE can!!

i will admit though. i was getting discouraged again. from the 2 months-ish of working out i gained weight. i gained 14 pounds doing the 30 day shred and one month of turbo fire. so i decided to stay off the scale for a week. REALLY REALLY watch what i was eating. consistently do shakeology (i had been skipping days here and there) and last week i stepped on the scale. i LOST 12 pounds. i lost 12 pounds in ONE week!

in addition to the pounds i lost. well really. i guess i'm stil UP two. but at least it isn't 14 anymore! i have lost more inches. since starting turbo fire i've lost one inch in my thighs. one inch in my belly. (i had lost 0 in my belly with the shred) and one inch in my 'natural' bend of my waist.

so adding to my shred results in the last 2 months-ish i've lost 2 inches in my thighs, 1 in my belly and 2 1/2 in my 'natural' waist bend. they aren't ashtonishing fast paced results. but honestly. i would rather it come off slowly and stay off versus a huge loss and then gaining back. and can i just say...i'm so excited that for the first time in a LONG time all of my measurements start with the number 3. and never mind that it's a 39 in the thighs. :)

this is the first time i've SERIOUSLY tried to lose weight. i've only ever "thought" about it before. now i'm wanting it. and doing it. i've only started caring more about the diet aspect in the past few weeks. cutting out and cutting back on carbs. which is HARD for me! really hard. i've also quit drinking soda. i haven't bought soda for our house in a LONG time. and now i'm trying my best to not drink it at all. so when we go out to eat, i'm getting lemonade instead. i am not a huge water lover.

so i'm excited. i'm excited about making this continued life change. and feeling great about myself! i have to say i LOVE chalene. she's the instructor in the video. she is so encouraging. and gets you so motivated to keep on going when you feel like you can't. i seriously clap and talk to the tv when i'm doing my workouts. it's just great. until turbo fire, i had never experienced that "high" you get when working out. but now that i've felt it...it's like a drug. and i "need" more of it. and let me tell you...this is a drug worth getting addicted to! it's making me feel better. look better and it's easy to get "high" on.

so yeah. that's my workout. for those of you who don't enjoy working out, this post may have been a tiny bit boring. sorry!! i promise to blog again THIS week and not have 2 weeks between posts. ;) i've actually had my computer OFF for the most part. and that too, feels SO good!!

i would also love to offer any of you samples of shakeology, if you're interested. i only have a few chocolate ones. and i also have a ton of greenberry ones. (greenberry is more of a neutral flavor) i'd love to share the love of it with you. plus it's SO healthy, so it's win win. :)

i would love to be able to offer a giveaway of turbo fire, like i did the shred. but unfortunately that isn't possible right now. what i would love to do is offer anyone who would like to order it...MY 25% discount. so for the next week. (til october 10th) anyone who would like to order turbofire. will get it at my cost. email me for more info on that!

thanks for putting up with my absence. absence does make the heart grow fonder. ;)

quick post

2011-09-19T13:02:00.002-05:00

i just wanted to quick post before you thought i fell of the face of the earth.

in fact i haven't. we've just been super busy and i haven't had time to sit down and write out the posts that are floating in my head. and today i still don't have that time. but wanted to quick blog.

i am doing well. tonight i have the opportunity to share my "story" about post partum depression with a group of women through our homeschooling group. i am really excited to share it. and see where God takes it from there. i am teaching a class this semester for our homeschooling co-op. it's a class all about amelia bedelia. we're reading a different book each week and then doing an activity with it. this week is our second week (it's everyother week for 12 weeks). i'm just praying to not be as nervous as i was last time. i almost threw up!! i taught last week for our co-op we're doing with some friends who use the same curriculum as we do. we're focusing on science activities each week with that. it was fun. the problem with me is i work best under pressure...so i've been doing a lot of last minute planning. and in fact, do not have my "speech" written out at all for tonight. i don't think i'm going to. i'm just going to share from the heart and hopefully not ramble too long. (THAT i can see being my only problem) i started a new workout program. that i really wanted to blog about just that, so that's all i say about that. :)

shaun has been working a lot. but that's "usual" so it's just become our norm. last weekend he was able to go on a men's retreat with our church. it is the first time he's ever been on one. actually it's the first opportunity he's ever HAD to go on one. our old church did not offer things like that, so we were excited when this opportunity came up. i must say i missed him something awful. could hardly sleep without him. BUT was so glad he went. he came home on sunday talking my ear off about the retreat. for those of you who know shaun, you know this is a BIG thing. shaun doesn't just "talk your ear off"...pretty much ever. :) i was so blessed to see what an awesome time he had. and hear about him cultivating friendships too. i love watching him grow as a man of God and build relationships with men. it's pretty much the first opportunity he has had for this as well. most of the other men who regularly attended our old church were way older than shaun or single. so a lot of times shaun felt like he didn't have anything in common with them. it's nice to see him feel "in common" and have friendships building and forming. he's also getting excited because our corn will be chopped this week. it's when the "little boy" comes out in him.

amelya, breigh and caitlyn started dance a few weeks ago. they are actually the only girls in the class. ((this momma is thankful 3 is the minimum to hold class!)) we go on tuesday mornings and only once a week, instead of the twice last year. SO nice! i'm excited to see what their teacher is going to do for their dance since it's the three sisters. :)

amelya is doing well with school. we recently got our supplies for book it in the mail. so we're excited to start that in october. her goal is to read 8 chapter books in october. which will be not a problem for her. i just wanted to set it lower so she can accomplish it. i think we'll do 10 for november. i think 10 is her "normal" anyways. she LOVES to read. she'll read pretty much anything but her favorties (as i asked her this morning) was to read her Bible, and then any other books. lol. she loves magic tree house and the boxcar children. it's so cool to see her love for reading growing.

breigh is awesome at math. she did her math today during school and i didn't even TEACH her it. it was some of what we had been doing already, but she just went and did it. and did it correctly. i was impressed with her initative to do it herself. and she did it while i was reading aloud the spelling story. usually she has a hard time concentrating with a lot of stuff going on at once. but she doesn't for math. her reading is coming along fantastically. she's been trying to sound out words in her books she "reads" in the car. and on signs we see out and about. i'm so proud of how far she's come with that!

caitlyn has been seeming so grown up since turning 4 the other week. i can't believe she's four. she's doing well with school and loves to have her own worksheets and things to do. our preschool is kept at a very minimum and truly doesn't involve a whole lot. i'm amazed at what she has picked up on sitting and listening to us. ((example: she knows the definition of a noun from sitting in and listening. she has three poems memorized with our language arts curriculum, that "she" isn't doing)) it's been cool to see her writing come along as well.

dustin loves to do school. he mainly colors, or plays with fine motor things. but LOVES it. and has been learning how to sit with us quietly at the table. he's been doing fantastic. sometimes he sits on the blanket with evaleigh for blanket time too, and that's alright by me. he was 'reading' a book to her this morning and it about melted my heart. he'll be three in a month. where has the past three years gone?! we're doing his birthday party with caitlyn's this weekend. i think they're both super excited!!

evaleigh is not walking yet. and i'm OKAY with that. the three girls were walking somewhere around 14 months and dustin was almost 18. so i figure i potentially have a few months yet of her crawling. and i'm totally cool with that! she's starting to "talk" a bit more, well actually have words. breigh was so excited last week because she taught her how to say "up". her personality is a lot like amelya's as a baby...but she has caitlyn's cry...and breigh's sparkle in her eye. so i say...she fits in perfect for our family. :)

we also started going to church on wednesdays. we had prayed about what do to, either send the girls to AWANA at a local church or go to our church on wednesdays. that way we could be fed as well as the kids. God led us to our church. so we've been going for two weeks now. i have to say i'm excited. our kids can continue to grow in the Lord as well as we can. we're going through the book of daniel on wednesdays and it's an exciting book to be taught in. plus the fellowship with our church family is nice two days a week instead of just one. :)

so yeah. our family is busy. and this post may have been the most boringest ever. if that's even a word. so i don't blame you if you're not even reading this sentence. ;)

to my caity-bug...

2011-09-06T08:22:00.000-05:00

to my caity-bug...on your FOURTH birthday...

i can't believe you're four already. it doesn't seem possible. not one bit.

happy birthday.

you're growing up so fast and becoming such a little girl. you're so very independent and are starting to need me less and less. you're my little puzzle pro. i think you get them done in 5 seconds flat. you ask for "help" but really just want me to watch you do it. and that's okay. i love spending time with you.

i love seeing you learn new things. i love watching the sparkle in your eyes when you "get" it. when you concentrate so hard as you write your name or color your letter books. you work so hard and you're so very determined i know that will take you far in life.

i love the way you say Jesus. and i know someday it's going to come out clear as a bell...and i'll miss the little "she-shush" you say. you started in the pre-K room at church this week, and it makes me realize just how big you truly are getting.

i love watching you play babies. you make such a good "momma" to your babies. and to all your dolls. you love the doll house and little people sets. i think i could set you in front of the doll house and you'd be set for a week. watching your nurturing heart is such a blessing to me.

you're a fantastic sister. i love watching you grow closer to your sisters and brother. i love how you make each one of them important to you.

i love your love for dancing and music. i can't wait to see where that takes you. the determination and sparkle in your eye is so fascinating for me to see.

you're my strong willed baby girl. you put us in "parenting waters" we had never reached...til you. and you've helped make us even better parents. you've helped us realize that sometimes being strong willed is a good thing, but mostly...you've helped us realize...that we need God first in our parenting. and then it's a bit easier.

since growing up your cry isn't a fire engine cry anymore. you're learning each day how to have self control. and i'm so proud of you my baby girl.

keep on loving Jesus. keep on holding on to Him. if there's anything i can pray i teach you, it is to love the Lord. to trust in Him. because i will fail you. i probably already have at times. but God will never ever ever fail you. what an awesome God we have a privilege to serve.

i love you baby girl. because you will always be my baby girl. :)
love.
momma.

saying "see you later"

2011-08-25T12:46:00.000-05:00

sorry i haven't updated til now. i honestly haven't been "up" to it.

if you're my friend on facebook, then you already know, but my grandpa passed away yesterday. a week after entering the hospital.

since last week we learned a few things. my grandpa didn't have a stroke. the pneumonia basically poisoned his system and in turn caused his brain to "die". my mom and her siblings made the decision to remove oxygen on sunday and let his body shut down. it was my grandpa's wish to not be on machines. the oxygen was removed around 9AM and my grandpa's body stayed strong until 3AM yesterday morning. the doctor and our family was amazed at how strong my grandpa's body was.

on sunday when i heard from my mom, i decided to go visit my grandpa with the kids. i knew it was our last chance to see him alive. it was better seeing him without the oxygen. he looked so peaceful sleeping in the bed. the kids gave him a hug and said good bye. and i love you. it was the sweetest and hardest thing for me to see.

it's the hardest because i know that evaleigh will never remember him. and dustin probably won't either. i struggle already knowing they never got to meet my grandma. and now 2 of them probably won't remember my grandpa. BUT i rest in the knowledge that in heaven we will be reunited again. and i'm so thankful for that. dealing with my grandpa's death has been difficult. but having the peace of God through all of it, has been amazingly wonderful.

even though i had been preparing myself for a week for my grandpa's death, when i finally heard it had happened it was so hard to hear. the funniest things have been making me cry. i guess i haven't been crying because of him dying. but crying at the sweet memories i hold forever dear.

saturday shaun and i were talking about V8 juice. how his dad drank it. and how it came in the metal cans. i started crying at the memories of always having hawaiian punch in metal cans at my grandparents house. tuesday i did a craft night at a friend's house. she made fresh coffee when we were there. hearing the sound of the coffee pot and smelling the coffee reminded me of nights when we'd sleep over at my grandparents, and my grandpa making his evening coffee.

i have memories upon memories of my grandparents. they were our babysitters growing up. and my mom took us there at least once a week to visit once we got "too old" for a babysitter. i'm SO thankful for that. i'm so thankful i have no regrets on not knowing them better. on not seeing them enough. because i knew them so well. and saw them so much.

i'm also so thankful that a few weeks ago after a morning of story time, an afternoon of mcdonald's playing and kids in dire need of nap...that God put my grandpa on my heart. that i took my kids to visit him. that i got to see my grandpa one last time in the nursing home healthy. that i get to remember him smiling at my kids and looking at them with the same love in his eyes that he always looked at me with. i never once doubted the love my grandparents had for me.

not even when my two cousins cut out a "fort" in the pine trees behind my grandparents house. seriously as an adult, i could stand in it. it killed that part of each of the trees. we were sitting in it the day after my cousins did it...we weren't a part of the "cutting". my grandpa saw us sitting in it...all he said was "boys, boys, boys". we were always "boys" to him. it's a memory i still laugh at with my sister and cousins. or the time that my grandpa designated a spot in his massive garden for us to dig a hole in. we wanted a hole big enough to sit in, as a fort i guess. ((it was probably the same summer)) we dug and dug and dug a huge hole, no where near "big" enough. but the fact that my grandpa let us...was memory enough.

i miss them something awful. i've bawled through this whole post...yet tomorrow as i attend my grandpa's funeral...i rest in the fact that i won't be saying good bye...i'll be saying see you later. so until then grandpa, i'll miss you something terrible. but...i'll see you later.

my grandpa's obituary can be found here. i leave the link because there are a lot of pictures included on it that show the extreme love he and my grandma shared. and the love you can see in his eyes for life.

through the {e}motions

2011-08-19T07:23:00.001-05:00

on monday we stayed over night at a beautiful resort. we took a horse and buggy ride. saw some cool replica ships columbus used. went to a maritime museum. went to the railroad museum. it was a whole bunch of fun, and i thought i'd be sharing that with you all this week.

but honestly...all of that seems to be weeks ago...months ago...not just days ago.

my grandpa is dying. he's been unresponsive since late tuesday afternoon.

the nurses at the nursing home found him unresponsive. after taking him to the ER they found him to have DOUBLE pneumonia. he turned his head to my uncle when my uncle arrived at the ER. but since then, he's really done nothing but sleep.

my mom called me wednesday morning to let me know. she called me a few hours later to tell me the doctor said death was going to be soon. i called shaun. he came home. i got ready. and went in to say my "good bye". i felt it was super important my kids see him "one more time". not only do i know they would have lots of questions, but i also don't want to shield them from death. death is very real. and i want them to know it, and get through it, rather than hide it from them.

my grandpa's room was never less than full all day and night wednesday. cousins i haven't seen in YEARS were there. my uncle drove up from indiana. the doctor told us all again, it was going to be "today".

that was wednesday. today is friday. my grandpa...is still hanging in there. honestly...i don't think he's going to wake up. the doctor said that he probably also suffered a stroke. so it's a matter of waiting for his body to shut down.

it's also a matter of God. for He and He alone is the ONLY one who "knows" for sure if it's today...or tomorrow or days or weeks or months or years from now that we will pass. Job 14:5 is my scripture reference..Since his days are determined, The number of his months is with You; You have appointed his limits, so that he cannot pass. our days ARE in God's hand. He clearly states it. it's where they got the term "his/her number was up". we truly have that number.

not that it makes it any easier to deal with, but for me...it lets me know that God remains in control through all of it when i feel like i can be spiraling OUT of control. He has the wheel. as long as i keep letting Him have it i can find my rest and peace in Him. and peace i have.

it's crazy through the midst of something so heart wrenching how i can have such awesome peace. BUT God has promised that as well... in Philippians 4:6-7:: Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

i know that when i can't understand the level of peace that i feel, it can only come from God. and i'm so thankful for that. because of the peace He gave me the other day i was able to serve my mom and her siblings in any way that i could. i wanted to share Jesus with all of them through my serving of them. and for me to be able to serve and bless them, i was as equally blessed by my awesome, fantastic, terrific...i could go on ALL day on how wonderful my husband is. he dropped everything at work to be home with me. he took our kids to the park when they were restless in the hospital...for over 2 hours. then took them home and told me i needed to stay at the hospital to be with my mom. by him serving me, i could serve others.

i was able to get some alone time with my grandpa the other night. i was so blessed by it. i shared with him Jesus. i shared with him to make sure that Jesus was in his heart, so he could enter those gates of heaven to see his Savior waiting for him. as i shared with him i felt God through all of it. as i shared with him i saw his eyes move under his eyelids. that was my sign that he heard me. because...he hadn't done it before, and as i sat and watched him after...he didn't do it again. i told shaun on the way to my grandpa that my grandpa is unresponsive...but God is not.

i stayed at the hospital until almost 10. my sweet sister in law gave me a ride home. she lives a block from the hospital and told me to call her whenever i needed to go home. it was such a blessing to have that available and not have to have shaun all the kiddos back to town to get me.

i'll admit though...i've broken down a lot in the past few days. last night i sobbed as shaun held me in his arms...and whispered to me...you don't always have to be the strong one. and i know that. but i want to be strong for those that need me to be. i want to be strong so i can help them. God gives me that strength, but He's also been giving me the tears to flow...and He holds them in His hands.

as i go through the motions...i'm also going through the emotions. my grandparents were our babysitters when we were little. it's the memories that i have of all of that i hold so dear to my heart. honestly...they were the best grandparents in the world. if you want to know how to be a grandparent...you'd look to them. ((i'm sure there are other great grandparents as well...i'm just saying to me...they were the best. :) ))

my grandma died almost 8 years ago. and for almost 8 years, my grandpa has been ready to join her. it looks as if he is getting his "wish". as much as it hurts me here...it rejoices within me that he will see not only his Savior face to face, but the other love of his life. i have no idea what heaven will be like. i know that we will not be married there...but i like to think that we will know our spouses and still feel that love for them as we feel here on earth. and i pray our mansions are next to each others. :)

i'd appreciate your prayers through all of this, i know that i have already felt the ones of my friends and family who already know about this. i thank you from the bottom of heart for your love and support and prayers. God has truly blessed me.

space cadet.

2011-08-12T10:28:00.001-05:00

do you ever feel like a space cadet?

you know when your mind is no where near IN your head?

no?

oh. me either.

okay i lie! i totally feel that way. there have been a few incidents just THIS week.

one being the winner for the 30 day shred. i remembered today! only a day late. no dollar short. so i asked amelya to pick a number. and she picked 10. number 10 belongs to Leah. unfortunately i was also a space cadet and didn't ask for emails when i did the post...so miss leah...you'll have to get a hold of me...because i can't get a hold of you. sorry.

...a friend and family came to church this past weekend. as they were leaving i said to her husband "nice to meet...AHH! we've already met. ummm". then he took it all in stride and stifiled laughter i'm sure and said "nice to see you again." me "ugh. yes. so very nice to see you." i just felt like a total dork because i have met him a few times before. i've talked to him. and just sounded goofy. i know it's not a big deal. at all. but i felt like a space cadet.

yesterday we went to a friend's house for a play date. so i wanted to bring something fun. i think chocolate chip muffins are fun. well what doesn't make them fun. when you use a mini muffin pan. and think the time should remain the same. and BURN the bottoms of 48 mini muffins. not so worthy of a play date. ((thankful for target fruit snacks in the cupboard to bring instead)) i'm not a baker. OBVIOUSLY!

then today. my phone was almost dead. so i plugged it in. i got a text to check it a few hours later...when it should've been fully charged. noticed it was not at all. you see...in order to charge your phone correctly...you must make sure after having your phone plugged into the charger...your charger is plugged into the wall. or it will not charge. clearly NOT rocket science. ;)

okay really...i know i'm being hard on myself. but sometimes i can feel like i have no brain! they say when you're pregnant and nursing you use up brain cells...i'm thinking it's a good thing we're not having any more babies... ;)

**please note...i mean this all in cute humor. i'm not really all mad at myself...just like to laugh at myself after i realize what a "space cadet" i can be.**

our school.

2011-08-10T16:31:00.002-05:00

we homeschool. most of you *should* know that by now...i've never really shared our "school" on my blog. so since we started school this week, i thought it would be a fun thing to do. tons of pictures. but i love to talk homeschooling...so i'm excited to share. :)

we do school in our dining room. which we really don't use for dining, unless company is over. so it's pretty much our school room. here's the set up::

the brown shelf we found on clearance last year. i bought the last two they had left. it works AWESOME for school stuff. the top drawer as our math manipulatives, scale, rulers, etc etc in it. and the bottom is full of resource books. the top shelves hold the kids' individual items and school boxes.

i found the white shelf at a rummage sale a month or so ago for only THREE BUCKS! i snagged it, and it fit perfectly where i had placed it in my mind. i have most of our chapter books on the top shelf. my teacher's manuals on the second. and the third is full of random things. our construction paper, loose leaf, page protecters etc. the green file cabinet was given to us by my mom. and it is FULL of resources that a former teacher gave to me. oodles and oodles of file folders filled with information on pretty much ANYTHING. on top we keep the kids' binders for the year. a US binder for each of the girls. and then a binder for everything not history and dustin has a binder for everything of his too.

here's just a random picture of their school boxes. honestly. i LOVE like seriously LOVE school supplies. new crayons. new markers. new colored pencils. new pencils. i just love it all. and finding it for great deals makes it better. we did "longer" boxes this year because it fits the stuff better...dustin is embracing the pink. ;)

if i love anything more than school supplies...it's books. we have a ton a ton of books. like a ton! :) here is one of our bookshelves. this holds mostly school information books. i sell usborne books, i don't do many parties but took advantage of a great deal. so a lot of our books for school are from usborne. they have great books!

more bookshelves...these two book shelves are right next to the tall one. it holds a lot of story picure books. and all of our board books are stacked on the bottom for easy access for miss evaleigh. ((i'm VERY anal about how the books go on the shelves, so the kiddos stack the books on top of the shelves and i put them away. or i go through it each day to organize it again. i'm noticing now that there are two books stacked on top of the one row...it's bugging me...bet your bottom dollar...i'll be fixing it as soon as i'm done posting. :)

this book shelf is in another part of our dining room. it holds a lot of our usborne picture books. and various other hard cover books. we are in the process of saving up money to have this entire shelf replaced ((there are some glass shelves on top of this one, and they're cracked...and well i HATE dusting. so we're planning on having someone custom make a bookshelf for us to put ALL of our books into ONE bookshelf. i'm super excited about that!!))

here is the other shelving unit i bought. it's right next to our two long book shelves. it holds more manipulative stuff. microscope. flash cards. wipe off boards/books. learning games. leap frog book with the pen. etc.

here is the inside of it...closer up...i LOVE discovery toys. and i love their learning games. A B Seas is an awesome game for learning letters. (amelya and breigh learned all their letters that way) Busy Bugs is another favorite, as is Busy Farm. i found the mini motors at a rummage sale this summer...it's a double set AND came with the colored bowls for more fun! and i paid like five bucks! woo hoo. dustin loves the motor ones and he's impressing me with his skills!

this plastic drawered tote thingy is under our stair case. the book shelf with the glass shelves is to your immediate left if you were in my house. (just to give a "feel" for it) this holds some crafty stuff, more learning games, and just plain fun games. our puzzles are on top and there are more puzzles in the blue tote next to it. my kids LOVE puzzles.

i also thought it'd be fun to share a bit more "in depth" what we use...so...

this is our book basket. i keep this on top of our two long bookshelves. this basket holds the books that are about the topics we're learning for the week. as you can see...vikings are one topic for the week...as is Jesus. some are library books, others are ours. i personally...love having the books, but don't have the funds to have ALL of them. our awesome library director is working with me to get the books together for me each week so i don't have to! AWESOME!!

here is my "lesson plan" binder. ((i've NEVER been this organized with school. i'm loving it this year!)) we're using adventures in my father's world for our "main" part of school. for breigh i'm using the kindergarten curriculum from my father's world to teach her reading. we're really not doing any of the kindergarten curriculum besides that because she can easily learn from the adventures.

this is our first week of school planned out. i love being organized!!

i have all of the kids' worksheets planned out for the year. ((okay our curriculum does not ME, but i organized them and put each week in a page protector and put it all in one binder.)) doesn't it look so pretty. :) if you're not a homeschooler...or a teacher...i'm sure you think i'm pretty much crazy by now. i'm okay with that.

this time line was started last year. but we'll be able to add to it this year with the new things we're learning about. since we don't have a super long wall space i just go "down a line" to continue it. sort of like hitting the enter button. ;)

here's my youngest student. :)

we're working on lots of play. i'm doing something called blanket time with her. i *wish* i would've taken a friend's advice and started this a long time ago, instead of training her now...but she's catching on fast. basically she's not allowed to leave the blanket. all her toys, cup, etc are on the blanket and she needs to stay and play on it. when she crawls off...i pick her up and say "blanket time" and put her back on. after three days of this...today she sat for almost an HOUR on it! and only ONE time did i have to correct her and put her back on! i wish i would've done it before she started moving because it would be easier to train a non-moving child and then transition into moving. oh well. she loves it. and so do i! i don't have to worry about her and she's right by us the entire time. and i switch up the toys each day, so she won't be getting bored.

dustin will be three in october. this is the first year of any sort of school with him. it is nothing at all structured. i don't think he needs it. he sits in with us during our "main" session. he colors the maps as much as he can. and he colors on paper or in coloring books. he also does the fine motor skills stuff of sorting the bugs, motors, etc. and he's given a lot of breaks. boys especially need breaks...but so do little kids in general. i'm really impressed with the amount of time he has been sitting!

i made up some cute flashcards...i stole the idea...it was not mine. of colors. dustin honestly...didn't know colors before this week really at all. i truthfully don't care. i don't care if he doesn't know them for awhile. i just go through them with him and say blue. then he says blue. and so on. when we talk about stuff during our day we'll say oh the blue ball. or green tractor etc. to incorporate colors, but it is nothing that is "taught" to him. the alphabet cards are used with mainly the K curriculum. we have a song we sing with the sounds of the letters. and we use them for the alphabet song too. ((which dustin doesn't know either...and again...i would've cared tremendously with the girls...but i don't with him. i'm learning to be more laxed. and let him be a kid. when he's 6 and singing the abc's NO ONE will know "when" he learned it...and it won't matter))

cailtlyn will be 4 in a matter of weeks...WHERE did that time go?!!? she is doing "pre-K" work. i use that term very loosely. she sits in on our "main" session, and has been picking up more than i thought she would. and it's so nice to teach one thing instead of a bajillion.

when she needs to do worksheets i have a ton copied out of my resource books. but also bought her a few of her "own" workbooks. i've found with my kids they love the workbook and seeing what they have done. i bought one at sam's club. one at walmart, and the two little ones are from the target dollar section. dustin also does some of those. it's good work for when the other two girls are doing their handwriting, she can do her own writing in "her" book. :)

breigh turned 5 in june. we started K with her at the end of last school year. we are on week 11 of our curriculum. she has grown and matured by leaps and bounds since last school year. i'm amazed at how far she has come in the last few months. we ended last school year not being able to read at all. this week...she read me an ENTIRE SENTENCE with NO help. i was crying. i was so proud of her and the work that she's done. God is soooooo good!!

in addition to my father's world we've also added in singapore math. she's on book B of the K level. she loves her math book, and i LOVE singapore math. the texture letters and vowel ladder are part of the K curriculum. i see now how much the letters make a difference in her learning. amelya they didn't matter much and we used them because it said to. NOW i'm glad i have them because they help breigh "get" it. breigh also does the student worksheets from our adventures curriculum when applicable. which really...is all of them, just "leveled down" if needed.

amelya is 6 1/2. already?! crazy. adventures is the core of her work. it is considered 2nd grade. but really the grade isn't a big deal to me. and people look at me in disbelief when i say she's in 2nd grade, but she flew through the K and 1st grade stuff and we keep moving on. so 2nd grade is what we're up to.

here is her curriculum. her load has grew this year. but she's taking it on like a trooper. the i can do all things is the art program suggested to use by my father's world. i wasn't going to do it, but decided to because she LOVES art. and she's been enjoying it so far. i think it will help her perfect her art skills. (she's a much better artist than me...she takes after her daddy in this one!) we're using a reason for handwriting the "T" book. which is the transition book. it teaches cursive later on this year. she has great handwriting and wanted to learn when she could write "pretty" like momma. (cursive) so we're doing that. we're finishing up our spelling curiculum from last year. it's a reason for spelling. i LOVE the "a reason for..." curriculums! she's an awesome speller and this is helping her be more confident in herself and her spelling. we're also finishing up our math. we started singapore math 1B this week. i love singapore math. and we're using the "standards" edition versus the "us" edition. based on personal preference.

for science we're following the adventures curriculum. these are the books we'll be using. all four kiddos are doing the same science. ((we're also doing a co-op with a few families to do the experiments and more in depth stuff together. i'm super excited for that!))

for language arts i'm using lessons for the well trained mind. it's by jessie wise. let me be honest...i wasn't sure i was going to like it...after three days...i LOVE LOVE LOVE it. it involves poem memorization. and a lot of oral work. it's amazing how fast the other girls are picking it up. after three days of the poem...amelya has it almost all memorized and breigh does too! the first day we read it (the caterpillar) we had to draw a picture of the poem. so i have that pictured too. it was fun to see the progress of drawing between all four kiddos.
(TOP: breigh, caitlyn. BOTTOM: dustin, amelya)

i forgot to take a picture...okay i really didn't forget at all...of their art desk area. it was a mess. and i didn't feel like posting it. BUT we have an art desk and an art storage area as well. it holds the play doh. paints. paper. crayons. markers. etc. (they are only allowed to use school boxes during school time. any other coloring is done with those crayons markers etc. yes i'm anal like that)

in case you didn't get enough of my sweet cute kiddos...i love this picture of them. and really see how people can confuse breigh and caitlyn...they really do look a lot alike. :)

even though we don't "have" a phy ed class....there is a ton of stuff to do outside. here is our yard. ((and we don't even have all the toys out of the barn...i'm thinking i can sell them!)) and we have a playroom inside for more "play" and imagination stuff.

of course there is imaginative play on daddy's tractor!

and more fun on the swing set. with built in corn fence. it's always weird when the corn is so tall and you can't see much of anything. :)

and if you need to cool off after a long day of school....we have the pool too. :)

we're also part of our local homeschooling group. we can take advantage of field trip opportunities. WINGS co-op. and park play dates...and oodles of other things. we really keep it to a minimum and usually do wings and play dates. ((i'm also part of a "mom's group" that is awesome)) i like to do the field trip stuff as a family or on a more smaller scale. i feel we enjoy it more that way. and would rather go with a family or two versus a huge group. plus i like having the extra help of shaun around...and love spending that time with him and our blessings. :)

there you have it. an uber long post...but i loved sharing it all with you...i'll leave you with a picture of the "teacher" behind this homeschool...don't mind my red nose...we had baptism after church on sunday and i got a little sunburned on my nose. i have no flying abilities. and can not lead your sleigh tonight.

ps. if you're interested in a giveaway check out my last post!! i'm giving away the 30 day shred. :) i finished day 19 this morning and LOVE it!!

shredding {giveaway}

2011-08-04T09:55:00.008-05:00

13 days ago i started the 30 day shred.

for those of you not familiar with it...it's a 30 day (imagine THAT!) workout video. jillian michaels is the "leader" of the video. you know the crazy lady from biggest loser? yeah. HER!

what started me on this journey? well first off, i haven't been happy with my body since having evaleigh. i just haven't had a lot of motivation to change it. i've done stuff here and there. but nothing consistent. til one day when my sweet little caitlyn looked at me and said "momma your belly's getting big". and she smiled all sweetly at me. she meant it as nice as something like that can be meant... i just smiled and said "thanks honey."

the next morning. i started the 30 day shred. the comment from my sweet little baby girl was motivation. she wasn't lying. not that my belly is huge. but it's not little. i'm just hoping to make it a little less big. of course after having five babies in as many years...my tummy muscles are stretched. i have extra skin in places it doesn't need to be ...etc etc etc. my goal for my tummy is to tighten. lessen. firm. get rid of muffin top. ((although i think it may look more like a mammoth muffin)). i digress...

my other goals are to look more "tone" and "fit" in my arms. and legs. and to try and make it so my thighs like each other a little less and quit touching. i'd also like to lose some weight. my main goal is to lose 15 pounds. BUT i struggle with knowing the number. so i'm not weighing myself at all. i'm just doing the workout. cutting out soda. (well most of the time...because sometimes you just *need* that dollar coke from mcd's) i'm also watching what i eat. and eating in moderation.

i have my "one year visit" with my dr in a few weeks. so i'm waiting til then to see what i weigh. it helps our scale is broke, so i can't be tempted to weigh myself. i'm starting out right around 165. depending on the day up or down 1-2 pounds. my short term goal...get the heck out of the 160's. i've been here for awhile. and i just want to be rid of them.

after getting out of the 160's...i'd eventually like to get out of the 150s. 145ish is my main goal. and then i remind myself...it is *just* a number. to not get caught up on the number. as long as i feel good about myself and how i look, the number doesn't matter too much to me. so mainly...i want to look good. :)

i must say...that after only 13 days...i am noticing a difference. my hubby grabbed my butt the other day and noticed it was different too. you may not want to know that...but seriously...who cares. he loves me. and my butt. he's a butt man. :) ANYWAYS!! a friend at church also told me my arms are looking good. well actually she said "hot". which is so very encouraging to me. i was noticing a difference, but wanted to be sure it was for real. not just me imagining things.

and i must say...it's been awesome on my energy level. i do the workout in the morning. most mornings before the kiddos get up. and i feel great all day. i don't feel dragging...even after getting a few hours of sleep the night before. it's been so nice. the biggest challenge will be this weekend when shaun has off (yay!!) and i have to get out of bed before him. since he works every other weekend the saturday mornings he has off are so nice to just lounge in bed together before the kiddos wake up. maybe i'll have to get him out of bed with me and see jillian kick his butt too. ((i'll admit, he may be a butt man...but i'm a total butt girl too. ;) ))

so yeah. the workout has been going great. i've noticed a change in my attitude as well. all those endorphins are working to help me continue where i need to be. if you want a great workout video...i suggest buying this one. you will be in pain for the first few days. on day 5 i woke up in no pain. after that...it's really not that bad. my endurance has improved so much already. i can actually do push ups. i started on level 1. did that for a few days and then moved to level 2. i love level 2! i tried level 3 this morning. i like it too. and i didn't need to stop. not once! it's only a 20 min. workout...intense 20 mins. but on day 1. level 1. i stopped. more than one time. today i didn't. i think that speaks for the video and how much it really does improve your endurance.

to keep myself accountable i've been posting each day on facebook. if you're my friend i'm sure you've already seen that, and perhaps have gotten annoyed and blocked it. but it really has helped to hold myself accountable by posting it on facebook. i can't have an excuse. i need to workout. and by golly..it feels good.

it's also been great having my facebook friends be so encouraging. so if you do the workout find someone/something to hold yourself accountable to posting/saying you did it each day. or find a friend to do it with. you can push each other through it.

and now...i'd like to give you the opportunity to do your own 30 day shred! or maybe you already have it, but would love to share the "love" of the 30 day shred with someone...try to win it for them! :)

just leave a comment. any old comment.
and i'll pick a winner next week thursday august 11th.

let's get shredding!

giveaway ends wednesday august 10th midnight PST.

**jillian michaels has no idea who i am. has no idea i'm giving this video away. i just want to share the love of shred with one of you.**

jumbled.

2011-07-28T14:30:00.000-05:00

sorry for my lack of posting. i've had my computer OFF a lot lately. but today i had to pay a bill. so i figured i should blog too.

mainly because i *need* too. my mind is a jumble of emotions, and i know blogging will help them get a little less jumbled. or maybe make a bit of sense to me. i don't know. all i do know is i'm thankful for this platform to share my heart on. regardless of if it's read or not...i know it helps me a lot. :)

last week friday was the relay for life. it's put on by the american cancer society. i shared the picture of the bag the kiddos colored a bit ago. and i felt it was really important to go to the relay and show them *why* we did it. and because i want them to be able to do things to help remember their papa by. breigh has been full of questions about him lately. and i think it's just awesome. i don't discourage any sort of talk about him and we always try to answer her questions as best as we can. (last night she said "i'm sure daddy's dad (that's what we call him) bought a tractor in heaven." he came up in coversation about heaven because we were talking about the babies that momma had in her belly that went to heaven. ((i think it's highly important that they know/remember they have three siblings waiting for them)) then daddy's dad came up and breigh also said "they're up there with daddy's dad. he probably watches and plays with them". it's just so sweet to see her heart.

at the relay they loved seeing the bag they colored. and they loved the free blow up slide. just being honest! during the luminary cerimony and "lap" is when i struggled the most. they turn off all the lights, and the only lights are the moon/stars above and the luminary bags. and you silently walk around the track. as i pushed a stroller and watched shaun push the other i silently sobbed. i realized how hard it may be for shaun, to see all five of our kids knowing that they haven't met their "daddy's dad". it's always been a bit of a struggle for me to have never met him. to not have had him see his son get married. etc etc etc. but yet i know that my husband is the man he is, because of the man he was. and i know that in one way or another i've "met" him. maybe not personally, but through the stories i hear. and the personality shaun has. breigh found a picture of him the other day, and has sweetly been carrying it around with her. i want them to think/know it's so very natural to talk about daddy's dad. and i think that they've "gotten" it.

as emotional as friday night was, i wasn't expecting the range of emotions to hit our family saturday.

shaun's cousin's brother in law was killed in a car accident early saturday morning. this same family lost a son in 2005 in afghanistan. shaun's cousin was pregnant. i'll tell you i struggled the most with the emotions of knowing that neither of the brothers will meet their niece/nephew. as i talked to shaun on the phone. i said "i just can't imagine knowing that my brothers will never meet my baby." as the words tumbled out of my mouth...i asked myself...does shaun struggle?

shaun had an older brother killed in an accident when he was 4. his brother was around 6. does he wonder what uncle kyle would be like? does he wonder what it'd be like to just have an older brother around? well i'm sure he does wonder those things. but what i didn't know is how much he thinks about it. and does it bug him sometimes. honestly, kyle isn't talked about a whole lot. shaun barely remembers him, so that may be part of it. and i sometimes forget that the kiddos HAVE an uncle kyle. and that sort of bugs me. they know about their other siblings so well and about daddy's dad so well, i want them to know about daddy's brother just as well. to be able to ask questions, wonder things, etc. so i just want to me more mindful in our conversations about all of them. i don't know.

honestly. that's how i feel. i just don't know. i don't know why this death as affected me SO much. i really didn't know him at all. i've seen him at the wedding, and the baby shower. but one thing that sticks heavily on my heart is the last time i saw him. it was at the baby shower. he was just there to drop off a gift HE bought for the baby. he dropped it off and left. but i just remember thinking how cute/cool/sweet it was that an 18 year old was sweet enough to buy a gift and bring it to the shower. i don't know. i'm just emotional like that.

as i struggled through my emotions through all of this the verse that God quietly reminded me of is in Isaish 55:8--“ For My thoughts are not your thoughts,Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.

so even if i wonder why? i know that this IS the reason why. because i don't know God's plans. i don't know His ways. and then He reminds me of Romans 8:28--"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose".

so regardless of all the ugly yucky stinky stuff that happens...it is His ways...and it is all for good. ALL of it.

it doesn't make this any easier for me to deal with. but it gives me the hope of His promises. and to know that He hasn't broken any of His promises to me. and never will.

and i must share the good thing that happened yesterday. shaun's cousin had her baby. it's a GIRL. so they have a spurt of joy in this time of sorrow. she was just a week early. and healthy and as beautiful as ever.

i really hope this makes some sort of sense. if nothing else...it's really helped me pour out a bit of my heart and feel better. it is so nice for me to have this place to write out my jumbled feelings. because i'll be honest...this has scared me that i'm falling into places i don't want to fall into. deep dark places i never want to see again. keeping these feelings stuck inside i think would help drag me back there. blogging them helps me get them out. make sense of them to myself. and continue on the path i need to be on.

after battling depression and winning over it. it still in my head how easily i could fall back into it. but i think being aware is the first step of not falling back into it. God is good. and He is my help through all of it.

thanks for reading. thanks for praying. thanks for bearing with me. :)

closing another chapter...

2011-07-19T07:53:00.000-05:00

i think closing another chapter is the best way to think about things.

miss evaleigh isn't nursing anymore. and is sleeping til 8 every day. up until last week she was getting up between 6 and 630 to nurse. then go back to sleep. it was the only time of the day she was nursing. i weaned her during the day at around 10-10 1/2 months. then her before bed feeding around 11 months. so we were down to just the morning feeding, and mainly because then i didn't have to get out of bed. she sleeps in the pack and play next to us yet. :)

i honestly didn't have much desire to nurse any more. i was ready to be done, but then some days...i looked forward to that special time i had with her. so i just let it happen however it needed to. there was one day last week she slept til 8 so i got her up and fed her breakfast instead of nursing. then the next day she was up early so we nursed. one day i did try a sippy cup with her. she pushed it away and shook her head no. she *knew* that is not what happened in bed. lol. because as soon as i laid her down to nurse...she calmed down and nursed.

thursday my sister in law called to take the kids over night friday. evaleigh didn't nurse friday morning because she slept til 8 again. so i figured she may be fine over night and not nursing, and that may help actually with the whole "weaning" thing. and she did fine. and hasn't nursed since last thursday. nor has she wanted to. so we're done.

honestly i'm glad that on thursday when i nursed her i didn't know it would be my last time. it didn't make it sad or anything. just special like it always had been. i think if i would've known it was going to be my last time i would've been sad about it and way too emotional about it. since i was already, ready to be done...then this worked out in the "perfect" weaning sense for us.

my intentions were to wean around a year. and to wean once she started sleeping through til past at least 7. because 7 is a much more appropriate time to wake up. :) i did the same thing with dustin, and his bottles. ((i weaned him before a year, especially with dealing with the 2 miscarriages i'm glad i did)) once he would sleep til 7 or later we went straight downstairs to eat. i guess you could sort of call it "sleep training". i just would nurse evaleigh and lay her back down and she'd go back to sleep. i didn't give her an option to be awake from little on. and because that's how we trained her...that's how she's been sleeping. and now she sleeps til 8. yay. actually all of our kiddos are great sleepers and sleep til 8. i'm not sure how much of it is due to sleep "training" now...but i know i'm thankful for great sleepers!!

my kiddos also go to be around 830. because of shaun's work schedule, and the fact that we homeschool, we don't have to be out of the house by 8...it works best for our family to do an 830 bedtime. i'd much rather have my kiddos spend time with their daddy on one of his late night's then go to bed by 7. you know?

as weird as it feels to be done nursing. forever. i'll never nurse another baby. it also feels "right". like this is the next step of our book. we're done with the nursing chapter. now we're going to pluck away at the next few chapters. slowly but surely all of these things are coming to an end in our house. evaleigh is still crawling, and not quite yet pulling up. but soon those little legs will be standing up next to things. and then it will be more walking than crawling....til there's no more crawling. she'll be my last baby to crawl on our floor.

okay. yes. i may be goofy about it. but i guess until now i never realized how many things that she's going to do the *last* time ever. once she does it for the last time. that's it. no other babies will be doing it here. ((well at least babies out of my womb. lol)) so i'm remembering to pause and smell the roses. and really to do that with all the kiddos.

because amelya,breigh,caitlyn, and dustin are growing fast too. it's about remembering that sometimes you need to throw your plans out or set them aside for awhile and do that puzzle. jump in the pool. color that picture. because all too soon...all of those chapters will be closing too. and if you didn't take the time to do them...you've missed it. you can't go back and re-write the chapter. i mean really *how* important is what's happening on facebook...you did just check it five minutes ago. *how* important is that friend's blog and her kids...you just read it last night.

i'm not saying facebook, or blogs, or whatever is bad. not at all. it's just making sure they don't place priority over the truly important stuff. it's about balance. and then checking that balance every so often. i know for me i'll be doing great...then all of a sudden the balance is getting off track and i need to shove some minutes back on to the important side of the scale and not the computer time. for me the computer can be a huge roadblock in my house work as well. i'll just check this *one* thing...for me...that doesn't work. because all of a sudden it's an hour later and my dishes are still in the sink.

for awhile i was just shutting the computer off. once i had it off for almost 2 weeks. and i survived!! yes i have facebook and email on my phone, so i wasn't completely shut off. but i noticed it was much easier to avoid the computer when it was all the way off. and i'm thinking i need to do it again. or to only allow it on during nap/rest time or when the kids aren't awake. and when they are awake. off it goes. i think it's easier for me to hop on the computer because our computer is right in our dining room. which is open to our living room. so i can see/hear the kiddos all the time. what a lame reason huh? sure i can *see* them....but i need to be WITH them. and sitting on my lap doesn't count. as you can see this really convicts me. badly. and i had a wise friend once say "you're going to do what YOU want to do". and...well it's true for me.

i'm not saying any of this to make tell you that YOU need to do the same thing. i'm saying this because it's on my heart on what i need to change in my life and my walk. because yes...the computer time has gotten in the way of my God time too.

when i blog i let my heart pour out of my fingers. and today it's a heart of *sigh* i DO go on the computer a bit too much when my kiddos are around. or when i haven't read my Bible yet for the day. or when my house isn't how i want it to look. so i guess for me it's closing another chapter...a chapter of crazy. thankfully i can start a new chapter. and i'm sure it'll be a chapter of ups and downs, because i am not perfect. at all.

so yeah. that's that. it feels good to pour out my heart to you all. thanks for listening. :)

PS.the wise friend i was talking about just a bit ago...has a blog. and she's hilarious. i met her the first week we checked out our church, and our friendship as only grown and blossomed since then. she finally took the leap into blogging after hearing me say to someone "i'm a blogger". i must say...now that she is a "blogger" too...she's much better than i am! i love reading her posts. so go check her out...and let her know i sent you, and leave her some comment love. i know she'd love it!!

figured out.

2011-07-12T07:04:00.002-05:00

as most of you i'm sure know, we homeschool, if you didn't know...you do now. :)

for those of you who care...i thought i'd share our school "plan" for the year. one. because i just finished ordering it yesterday. two. because i LOVE talking curriculum. three. because it's my blog. and that's what i feel like blogging. :)

for amelya.
amelya will be starting "adventures in my father's world" from my father's world. it's a "filler" type for those who are the oldest in the family and not in the "5 year cycle" of the my father's world curriculum. so it will probably be the only year we use it, because once the rest of the kiddos hit 2nd grade...they will join us in our curriculum that we are in. ((if you are not familiar with mfw that makes NO sense to you. don't worry it's okay. if you want to more check out the site, they do an awesome job showing it!)) adventures is about the US and the 50 states. learning history of it all. and just fun stuff. can i say...i'm SUPER excited for this!! i STILL remember having to memorize the 50 states and capitols in 5th grade and loving it. ((this isn't something that we'll be doing this year (memorizing capitols) but i'm still excited.)) the mfw curriculum will cover what we need for science as well. plus we're doing a co-op with some other mfw-ers with kiddos in adventures and 1st grade, so we'll be doing some fun science projects with them too.

mfw suggests using i can do all things for art. i wasn't planning on doing a set "art" program with amelya. we honestly never have. but i really prayed about it, and felt led to do it. she loves art, and i think this will help her build some talent in more art techniques. there is also a lot of drawing in the "normal" curriculum so an art program is really just an extra for it. ((plus amelya is constantly drawing, painting, coloring, playing with play doh anyways...but i thought this may be fun)) i will see how intensive the rest of our schedule is with things and may just slow down the pace of the art program as well.

mfw also include a small type of music program in the curric. we'll be using a cd called "celebrate america" and learn some patriotic songs. and we'll also be discussing ballets by tchaikovsky. which will be perfect for my little ballerinas.

when i was researching what to add in for language arts i really wasn't sure. i went back and forth and back and forth. i really didn't like the curriculum that mfw suggested. so i had it set on what i was going to use. but didn't feel like it was a "yes". every time i went to the site to order it, i just couldn't do it. i know that may seem weird. but i really feel like it was God leading me away from it. i never was positive that, that was "it". and i know now it wasn't. because i found "first language lessons for the well trained mind", from peace hill press. and fell in LOVE with it. i also got it super cheap from a woman selling her curric. i also got 2 levels in ONE book for cheaper than ONE of the levels cost. ((that makes me really happy)) so even though we'll be starting 2nd grade, we'll be starting level one of the book. which is totally fine. and really...not that big of a deal. ((and when comparing it to my other curric. this level one starts out with what that 2nd grade curric. started with, so i'm thinking it'll be just fine!)) i figure if nothing else, we may move faster through it and get the entire two levels done in one year. it's also a curric. with no "book work". a lot of the lessons are only oral teaching. i think amelya will do just fine with it...but i also think it will be better for breigh. she seems to be a much better audio learner. so she'll be learning right along with us. and hear it all. ((as will caitlyn and dustin)) there is some copy/handwriting work involoved. and a lot of the work is done orally from the student. there's also memorizing of poems. which honestly seems weird to me. don't get me wrong i like poetry. ((i even did it 2 years for forensics)) but i never have sat down and just memorized poems, or thought about having my kiddos do it. BUT i think it will be good. and fun....and if it's not...i still have that other curric. to fall back on to!

for spelling we'll be finishing up a reason for spelling, level b. we started this near the end of last year. partly because i loved it so much i wanted to start, and because amelya did too. i LOVE this spelling curriculum. it's a lot of fun. and they're learning scripture each week through it as well. they have a "test" to give your child on the site so you can see which level you should get for them. i HIGHLY suggest doing that test. i was just going to buy amelya level a, but she blew that test out of the water and needed level b.

amelya asked me a few weeks ago when she was going to learn how to write "pretty like you". she meant cursive. i remember learning cursive in 2nd grade. so i reasearched into it a bit. depending on what you find, some people teach cursive as the first way to write. ((since i missed that boat...i kept searching)) mfw suggests waiting til 3rd grade. some sites say start at the beginning of 2nd. middle of 2nd. etc etc etc. basically...do what you want for your individual child. :) since amelya is showing interest i decided to go with it. and found a reason for handwriting. it's the same company as our spelling program. so i'm sure we'll love it. after reading on their site for awhile i went with the "transition" level book. i haven't gotten to see this book yet, i just ordered it yesterday, but it is set up so you can start cursive immediately (by omitting some of the lessons) or start in the 2nd or 3rd "quarters" i'd guess you say. so i'm not 100% sure how we'll start it. but i know amelya will be excited to write "pretty". ((which i think is funny because i don't think i have 'pretty' handwriting. lol.))

for math we'll be continuing singapore math. we're doing the standards editions. and will be starting 1B. we finished up 1A with a few weeks left of last school year, and i decided to perfect her math skills more before we moved on. i love singapore math. and amelya does really well with it as well. there are two different "editions" of the program and we've done the standards over the US. mainly i felt that the standards would be a better fit for us, and because it introduces more than the US ones do.

there are also some fun read alouds included in our curriculum this year. and as always other great supplement books for amelya, and the rest of us, to read and enjoy.

for breigh.
we started kindergarten near the end of last year. ((my father's world)) so we'll be working through that. i've seen her really mature over the summer and i think that she'll do better starting out. looking back, i wish i would've just waited to start K with her in "fall" instead of starting it last year. i don't think she was emotionally ready for it, and it caused some issues with the both of us. so i'm looking forward to it this year, as is she. we're going to continue learning how to read. it will be SO weird to have two kiddos reading!!

i think to save me some sanity we will probably combine our science as much as we can. and throw in the K stuff for fun learning stuff. the science is included right in the curric. so it's not a lot of work for me to add in anything.

breigh will also finish up her singapore math. she is on book b. ((like amelya finished book A near the end of last year, and i decided to just wait)) i love the kindergarten math books from singapore too. i really have been extremely happy with singapore.

i bought an extra set of paint/marker cards with the art curric. so breigh will most likely follow along with that, i haven't seen it yet, so i'm not sure if it will be above her level or not. if so...we'll just save the cards for next year or the year after.

that's really the 'core' of breigh's school. she'll be there listening into our language arts lessons. and US history. and so on. so i'm sure she'll catch a lot more than what we'll be focusing on. which is an awesome thing about homeschooling to me.

for caitlyn.
i'm not huge on having a 'set' curric. for preK. i don't feel it's needed. a lot of what they learn is learned through play. so i bought her a book to work through yesterday at sam's club. i also supplement with some worksheets and fun stuff like that. but i've found that it makes them feel "important" when they have their own book to do school in as well. and they're generally under 10 bucks, so not a huge investment at all.

for dustin.
i'm not sure how much he'll be sitting in with the "school" stuff. i know he'll be there for 'story time'. and probably art, at least some of the times. and i'm sure i'll do worksheets for him as well. i also will have small motor skills things for him to do. lacing cards, lacing beads, peg board, and some awesome fun games from discovery toys. *busy bugs is one favorite here!*

for evaleigh.
ummm. not much of anything of course. just playing. exploring. living. you know typical baby stuff.

i love that i've been called to homeschool my kids. i honestly love spending each day with them. sure some days are crazy. but i love not having to send them away from me for 8 hours a day. in the whole scheme of life i only get them for 18 years or so maybe a few more at home, but not a lot more, i think ;). that really isn't that long. so i'm enjoying each moment of these 18 (give or take) years i have with each of them. i remember that someday i WILL miss this crazy stuff. so i'm making a choice to enjoy it all. even the not so fun stuff.

i also don't want to seem like the type of momma who won't let her kids away from her. i will. i do. but i also like having some control over who they're with. :) we do our homeschooling co-op WINGS, (which is three hours of classes they're in), they are in dance class, and we'll be starting our MFW co-op this year, and of course random play dates with friends. i like that the activities they are a part of include a whole range of children with different ages. to me it's important to get them "out" but to also get them around different aged children. older and younger. because in life, you deal with people of all ages, not just the same age as you. so i figure if they're always around older or younger...then it's just the "normal" for all their lives.

i also want to take the time to take them to a nursing home. my grandpa is in one, and i know that older people love seeing little ones. and i want my little ones to see the joy they can spread so easily. it's just me being "strong" enough to take them. ((my grandma was in a nursing home, and ever since she passed away it's been hard going back))

i also would like to get my kids involved somehow with special needs people. i have a real heart for special needs people and want my kids to spend time with them. i think this may have to wait until they're all a bit older, so it's easier for me too. but it's something i've been praying about for a long time on how to get involved.

so there you have it. if you've made it this far...i'm proud of you. especially if you're not a homeschooler. i can't imagine it being any sort of interesting if you're not. :)

ps. i tried to remember to link to all of our stuff. but if you have questions...i'd love to answer them...because i love to talk homeschooling to someone who *wants* to hear it!! :)
pps. another thing i really like is homeschooling resources...check out this old schoolhouse's "wipe out" sale for a great deal on some great resources!!

to evaleigh...on your first birthday...

2011-07-07T09:08:00.001-05:00

to my evaleigh jo faith.

a year. you're a year old today. i can't hardly believe it. what a year it's been. you have changed our lives since the moment we held you in our arms. i remember looking at your little rolls after you were born at *almost* nine pounds and thinking of how much that reminded me of amelya. and your looks were *just* like caitlyn.

yet you proved to us how you are your own person. :) you're a happy content little baby. and you blessed me tons by sleeping through the night at TWO weeks old. even though you started out my second biggest baby...you've turned out to be my smallest since. i say it's because you know you're our last and want to get good use out of all our clothes. ((which you are just starting to grow out of the 6/9 months!!))

i look at your crinkle nose smile and can't imagine our family without you. after going through two losses to get to you...i know that God DOES work things out for good. you bring so much joy to our lives. your smiles melt my heart. your growls make me giggle. and that twinkle in your eyes...well it scares me. :) it reminds me of the twinkle your siblings get...and it is a mischievous one.

you're an awesome little sister. you let them pull on you. hold you. confine you to their arms. all with that silly smile on your face. i figure you're letting this all go down now...so once you start walking you'll surprise them with an attack of your own. ;)

you're a total momma's girl. can i tell you a secret? i LOVE it. out of all five kiddos...you're the first one to be so attached to me. i don't mind that you cry and stop immediately when you're in my arms. i love knowing you need me. because baby girl...i needed you. i needed you to remind me again of how good our God is. you were the rainbow of my storms. and i'm reminded of that every time i look at you. that without the storms of my life...i wouldn't have you to hold on to.

i can't wait to share with you why faith is a part of your name. why without faith...it would've been so much harder. that without faith...i don't know where i'd be. that without faith...you won't get through things. every time i tell someone about your name...i share a bit of our story. because, yes, you are a part of that story. i love those babies that are waiting for us in heaven. your brother and i *think* sister, will always be a part of our hearts and lives. but i can't imagine YOU not being a part of it. i know i had to suffer those loses to get to this point. and even though it was yucky. and not so fun. you my baby girl...are beautiful and fun. and i know that it was all God's plan for us. and a good plan.

if i have any advice for you...it's to hold on tight to God and your faith in Him. i can't wait to share Him with you. to tell of all the things He's done. to pray with you. to see you have a relationship with Him. to just cling tight to the One who needs to be clung to.

i love you evaleigh jo faith. forever and a day. and two days after that.
love.
your momma

ps. i've bawled through this entire letter. i'm reminded over and over again how faithful God has been to me through this past year. through her birth. through my battling and continuing to fight my post partum depression. i can only say they're tears of thankfulness. love. and joy.

{sort of} wordless wednesday

2011-07-06T14:54:00.000-05:00

for those of you who don't know, shaun's dad passed away from thyroid cancer about 16 years ago. his sister is doing the relay for life in august. she bought a luminary bag in memory of him. she asked if the kiddos would like to color the back of it. this is what they did.

i'll admit. i cried. it just blessed my heart so much.

i texted the picture to kimberly. she texted me back saying that she loves how they love him so much and never even met him.

i never even thought of that before. but they have so much love for a man that they never met. but a man that helped shape and mold shaun into the daddy and husband he is today. and a man who would love them just as much as they love him.

building up our relationship

2011-06-29T09:13:00.001-05:00

shaun and i have married for 7 1/2 years. together for 12.

that isn't as long as some of you i'm sure. but it's still quite awhile. :)

but we're constantly trying to find things to do that build up our relationship. i'll be honest and say it hasn't been always. we started doing a weekly devotional a few years ago. we pray together most every night, but wanted something "more" to draw us closer to each other and even moreso closer to God. well then...i found some awesome devotional books to go through.

we're currently working through a new one i found. called "devotional for couples" by patrick morley. we only started it a few weeks ago...but LOVE it. we acutally quit the one we were doing, not because we didn't like it, but because it wasn't meaty enough. it'd be a good one to start out with i think.

our current devotional is split up into sections. the first part is focusing on deepening our relationship with each other. it's been awesome. you focus on a scripture. then read the devotion. then there is a discussion part. you both answer questions. sometimes the same one, or depending on the topic one for each of you. then there is the application. which involves more talking/sharing. and then at the end there's a prayer.

it really is in depth. and we love it. we spend probably close to an hour each week doing the devotion. it gets us talking with each other. sharing our hearts with each other. and just plain spending time together with God.

we usually do our devotion on sunday night each week. it's a perfect way to end our day, and start out
the week. we've talked so much about things that never would normally come up. and last week we built a campfire and did our devotions outside. ((and then spent time together talking in front of the campfire. ohhh it was so much fun and a teensy bit romantic! we're not "big" on romantic here. just plain ole couple with out a lot of hoopla. and that's us. and i love us. so much.))

i'll admit, i wish we could do this deep devotion every single night. but because of shaun's work schedule, and other things, it just works out nice to do it once a week. we do randomly do other devotions too, just not as scheduled or as in depth. i love learning more about my husband. i love seeing his heart and passion for God and well...for me. :) i see his heart shining through so clearly as he talks and shares. i love talking about our relationship. i love working through the kinks.

because yes we do have kinks. and honestly some of them would not have been worked out, had it NOT been for the devotions we do! we've even fought through one of them. but in the end...it was so much better, and i was so thankful for the fight. which is odd. but it is also so good.

i also think it is so important to show our kids how important we are to each other. that shaun comes before them. and that i come before them to shaun. and then God comes before shaun. and me too. the order HAS to be for our family, God. spouse. kids. everyone else. when that order gets screwed up. so does our family.

when i start putting the kids in front of shaun, it's awful for our relationship. i probably struggle the most with that part of the equation. it's easy for me to put God first. but it's hard for me to remember shaun comes first because i'm with him the least amount of time. (awake anyways) especially with the ages of our kids, they tend to need me a lot. so being a wife gets thrown on the back burner. and when that happens i notice that our whole dynamic changes. things start not being okay. whether it be kids fighting more. us fighting. me being crabby. whatever. then i start notice the "burning smell" and i realize that my wife role is sitting there burning. and i scrape off that yucky black burn on stuff. put it back on the correct burner...and things go back to how they are. i'm not saying my kids don't fight when the order is "in order" i'm just saying that somehow they notice how things have changed. and it throws the dynamics off kilter.

i always make sure my kids see us kiss. or hug. or both. i make sure they see us being goofy and laughing together. and okay, i'll admit...seeing me pinch their daddy's cute behind. ;) i want them to see the love we have. that mommy and daddy love each other so much, and they're not afraid to show it. that i show shaun the respect he deserves. and that he shows me the love i deserve. the only way my girls are going to know how to be a wife and momma, is by the example i'm showing them. the only way dustin is going to know how to be a husband and daddy, is by the example he shows them. and we do are best to show them the best example they can see.

and it also involves them seeing us disagree. not have an argument. but disagree. that we do not always "get along". and how to work that out. if something comes up with them around that needs to be discussed in great detail and shouldn't be worked out in front of them, i will tell shaun it is not the appropriate time and we'll discuss later. if it's something minor and can be worked out. we work it out. and are sure to show them that we apologize to each other. and that we ask each other for forgiveness. i don't ever want my kids to think that we never fight. because, that ain't reality. at all.

((i had a friend recently tell me how growing up her parents only discussed arguments in the barn while doing chores. and that when they were older (high school age) and saw her parents fight, she thought they were getting a divorce because it was the FIRST time she ever saw them fight.))

through my book study we were given a challenge to ask our husbands how they feel loved by us. and they make a list. and then as his wife make a list on how I think i show him love. and to also ask our kids how they feel loved by us. one of the answers breigh gave, when i asked how i show her love...
"that you love our daddy"
then i knew. we're doing it right. maybe not all the time. but most of them time...we're doing it right. and they see it.

during our devotions this week shaun and i shared our lists with each other. i thought it'd be fun to share our answers. (and shaun totally knows and is cool with it. i would never share it otherwise)
::ways amanda shows shaun love::
* by the smiles she gives me
* making love
* praying for me
* giving me encouraging words
* making me supper (food)
* rubbing my back
* taking time for each other
* just talking

::ways amanda feels she shows shaun love::
* "the obvious"
* taking care of the kids
* cleaning
* doing your work wash ((since we were first married he has said i should not have to wash his work clothes, and he will))
* making you meals
* holding your hand
* smiles
* eyes across the room
* lingerie
* writing love notes

i loved sharing those with each other. i really wasn't too surprised by his list. he giggled at the lingerie part and i think was a bit shocked HE didn't think to put it on his list. ;)

::ways shaun shows amanda love::
* being head of our house
* praying with me
* kisses w/o strings attached
* kisses w/strings attached
* loving our kids
* working hard
* giving me "girl time"
* saying "no"
* homemade cards
* devotion time
* eyes, smiles, winks across the room
* secret kisses at ppl's houses ((so it's not like we're making out anywhere, but i love it when he finds me in the kitchen (or where ever) alone and sneaks a quick secret kiss.))

::ways shaun feels he shows amanda love::
* kissing her
* doing the dishes
* working hard so she can stay home
* taking time for each other
* texting her (love)
* just calling to call
* helping her with household
* talking

after we shared our lists i was shocked i FORGOT to put on helping me with housework. my husband is a rockstar helper with housework. he helps me out so much more than he needs to. and i love it. it's so nice to come home and have a load of dishes washed. because i really do feel loved when he does that for me.

i think he was happy to know that kisses with strings attached made my list. it's clearly a way a wife can show her husband she loves him. and needs to be shown. but i wanted him to know that as a wife who doesn't have a big of "need" as he does, that i do feel loved by that. and it IS important to me.

a topic like that can be a whole other post. ;) so i'll just say that i'm so happy how God has grown me in that issue. leaps and bounds. and i'll leave it at that before this really becomes a novel!!

here is a list of some of the devotionals that we have done. and encourage you to buy. it will change your marriage.
devotions for couples. by patrick morely ((this is the one we're currently working through))
songs in the key of solomon: in the word and in the mood. by john and anita renfroe
duets: still in the word and still in the mood. by john and anita renfroe
fireproof your marriage. ((couple's kit)) by jennifer dion.

TOS planner review

2011-06-28T16:13:00.000-05:00

for those of you not familiar with TOS it stands for "the old schoolhouse". it's an awesome magazing geared towards homeschooling families. and since we're a homeschooling family...you know i love it!

awhile ago they asked on their facebook page for bloggers who would like to review their planner for the next school year. i was all on top of that...and got the planner via a pdf file.

i love it. plain and simple. the only downfall to it being a pdf file...is that if i want to print it...i'd be printing over 800 pages. yes. you read that correctly...800 pages!! but the upside to it being a pdf file...is that i can add to it. and "save as" and all my info is saved. so it's really a great thing!!

so it is not only a planner...but a huge source of resources.

there are articles upon articles supporting you as a homeschooling parent. or just as a parent in general. articles that build you up. and encourage you. and are just plain fun to read.

then there are recipes. yep. recipes. and for this new meal planner momma...i love them. :) it gives me some fresh new ideas on what to add to our family. and especially nice, crock pot recipes...so when we start up school in fall...they'll be nice to have and i won't have to "think" about them at all!!

and then...lists. there are a ton of lists. bodies of water. US capitals. body systems. water cycle. grammar rules. (i'm overly excited about this one! i do not like grammar, and i'll take anything to help!) the lists go on and on.

i really like the special things they have for homeschooling parents. a schedule to use per child. weekly planning space. goals for the month. the semester. the year. records for everything. places to record where you took field trips. co-op planning information. a curriculum "wish list" spot. (i like that one!) and they have things for parents with preschoolers to high schoolers. with everything in between. so it's the only planner you'll need!

there are also practice sheets included. and "forms" to follow for book reports. there are forms for budgeting. for chores. pretty much ANYTHING you can think of...it's there.

i honestly haven't printed it off yet. and am trying to decide how to pick and choose WHAT to print off. or suck it up...and print it all. to me...i really think it'll be worth the money, paper, and ink. i'll have a huge resource. for not only this school year. but for the school years to come.

thank you the old schoolhouse for supplying me with an awesome planner!!

**the planner was provided to me free of charge. all opinions expressed are my own.**

a plan?!

2011-06-27T10:21:00.000-05:00

if you know me at all, i'm not a huge planner. i'm more of a fly by the seat of my skirt girl. i like having a general idea of things, but not planning them out.

there is one time that this "free-ness" gets me in "trouble" and that's when it comes down to what to make for supper. and sometimes it stresses me out. and shaun too. because i'm asking him what he wants and he doesn't know...because it isn't at the top of his list while working umpteen million hours a day.

so i've decided to meal plan. mainly because it'll save me some stress. and i'm hoping it saves us money. because i won't need to "just run through a drive through" because we have no idea what to make for supper and it's just easier. ((honestly if i were a bajillionaire i'd have my own cook, or eat out a lot. i love to eat out. which is a bad trait sometimes!!))

so i thought i'd share my "plan" here. ((i just looked through two of my million cookbooks to get some ideas and happily found some!)) because i'm a free spirit, i know this it what we're eating this week...but may not all happen on the days i say it will. :)

MONDAY:: grilled margarita chicken. ((i LOVE the margarita chicken at chili's and was so excited to find a meal to make for the family!! and instead of using the seasonings the recipe called for i'm going to use wildtree's cilantro lime (rice) seasoning. ((which is no longer available, but i bought 10 jars before they discontinued it.lol)) so i'm excited for that!))

TUESDAY:: beef and rice casserole. ((i'm a total casserole type person. this one is way easy. and can't go wrong with beef, rice and cheese))

WEDNESDAY:: pizza wraps. ((this is a new one i found. it's basically putting sauce (using wildtree's pizza sauce seasoning) ,toppings,cheese in a tortilla rolling them up. putting in baking dish. top with MORE cheese. bake. easy!))

THURSDAY:: not so sloppy joes. ((put biscuit mix in a muffin, top with sloppy joe mixture. bake. dinner. i'm giong to use wildtree's sloppy joe seasoning for this too))

FRIDAY:: homemade macaroni and cheese. with beef. ((i've honestly NEVER made homemade mac and cheese. so i'm excited for this. but i'm also excited knowing if need be...i can be lazy and make the "box" stuff and it'll be okay!))

i'm not planning saturday and sunday, because i'm not sure of our plans. and heck. only having to "think" for two days of meals...totally cool with that!

the cooler part of all of this...i have most everything i need at home. thanks to wildtree i don't need to go buy any "new" seasonings. and i get to experiment a bit with them and have things to tell my customers at shows. so my shopping list really only includes a lime. tortillas. pepperoni. cheese. everything else i have at home. woo hoo.

shaun is also super excited about this. because it means i won't be asking him what he wants for supper. and he can come home at eat right away most nights. i say most because even though i *can* grill...i'm not a good flipper. so for the sake of not wanting to "lose" anything in the grill...shaun has agreed to grill. plus he likes the thing...so it's not like i had to pull his let at all.

so yeah. i'm excited. and it gives me something to blog about at least once a week. but don't worry i do plan on blogging about more exciting things too. :)

the meals i got from a cookbook my mom's work put together, and the $5 dinner mom cookbook.

missionary

2011-06-22T16:10:00.000-05:00

i'm usually not very spontaneous. sometimes not always. last week was a spontaneous week. i decided last monday...to do a rummage sale thursday-saturday. hence my lack of posting. the rummage sale went well. and i'm so glad i threw it together. and i may do it again next weekend. :)

anyways. i didn't want to just blog about that. so here is what's on my heart.

two weeks ago at church our pastor stood up talking about being a missonary. how when you're single it's super easy to be a missonary. because basically you don't have "anyone" to "worry" about. and can pretty much get up and go to wherever. when you're married it gets a bit harder, but if you feel called to do it, you clearly make it work and sometimes even go together. when you have kids, it gets a bit harder yet, but the same thing, if it's what God is calling you to do...off you go.

then he talked about the church and where their first focus on missonary work would be. and he said within the walls of this church. our first mission field is going to be the children's ministry. ((can i just say my heart was filled with excitement over this?)) our church already had a children's ministry, but since the church started four years ago, the children's ministry has grown kid wise, but not space wise...until now. so it was a call for more teachers, helpers, etc for the ministry.

i'll be honest, i never thought about working in the children's ministry, to be considered missionary work. but it so is. making sure the children are being taught a solid foundation about Christ is SO important. of course most children are already getting this at home, but how important is it still that they are also getting it at church? at their level. understanding how much Jesus loves them. how He died for them. so as they grow older that understanding can grow and be taught at "growing levels" instead of sitting through an adult level service. ((our pastor also does not "censor" topics, so there are plenty of times as we've gone through 1 Corinthians sex has been talked about, i think that children shouldn't be sitting through services about that. well young children anyways. so by offering a place for your children to go during church, ((and honestly leaving it up to the parents, there are plenty of older young children in our church that sit through the service)) is an important aspect to a church.

pastor danny had the "leader" of the children's ministry come up and talk and one thing that brian said spoke volumes to my heart:: church is a family. if the church neglects part of the family ((families and children)) why would God allow the church to grow? i really don't think much more needs to be said.

BUT i don't think it means that every church needs to offer an area for children's church. i just think the church needs to make sure that no part of the family is being or feeling neglected. to notice problems, if any arise, and to attempt to take care of them. i think leaders of the church need to be mindful of everything going on in the church, and to be proactive about fixing issues that they see. it is also important for you to go to your leaders of the church as well. but i think it goes both ways in the church relationship, and feel it is important the the leaders are not turning a blind eye to any issues because even though they see them, no one has talked to them, so they just go on their merry way.

every week we attend church, we know we're right where God wants us. and it's such an awesome feeling to have after over a year of "unsureness" and praying.

i've been attending a book club this summer with some women from church too. it's been a lot of fun to get to know more people on a more intimate level. the book we're doing is radical, by david platt.

wow. is all i can say. we're only on our second chapter. but what i have read so far, has literally changed my life. i highly recommend it...ONLY if you're willing to take a deep long look at yourself and realize how badly this world has taken a God centered gospel and transformed it into a human centered message. how we're molding Jesus into OUR image instead of molding ourselves into the image of Jesus. a nice middle-class Jesus. i've really had my eyes opened by this book! and realized how true those statements are, and how sad. when we're standing in church rasing our hands in worship...are we worshipping Jesus...or ourselves? so if you're ready for a life changing look at your life...pick up the book.
((this is not a "paid advertisement" or solicited review but my heart on this book, mr platt has no idea i did this. and all opions are my own. :) ))

whew. sort of a heavy post. but i wanted to blog about it. so there it is.

have a radical day!! :)

to my breigh-breigh.

2011-06-14T07:44:00.000-05:00

to my breigh-breigh.

you're five years old today. five. an entire hand, which you're very proud of. i can't believe it.

it seems just like yesterday i was holding you in my arms and you were too small for them. now you're getting bigger...but you'll never ever be too big for my arms. i think i remember your birth the most, only because i said a crazy thing...your delivery was much easier than your sister's was...and my exact words (with video proof) were:: i think i just farted her out.

maybe that's why you're so silly with the things YOU say. you've got no choice, it's been that way since birth!!

i was so excited when you were born because grandma got to be there. she had to miss amelya's birth because of her vacation to mexico. she wasn't missing yours though!! AND she got to cut the cord. we both blessed her that day. she was also super excited because the local radio station guy was right on his guess that you were going to be a girl. ((and you have the onesie to prove that))

from the moment i read "PREGNANT" on that little stick, i've loved you. as scared as i was to be having another baby so quickly after the first, i was so excited. who were you going to look like? who were you going to be like?

your smile is contagious. your laugh even more so. and that twinkle in your eye....well it makes me nervous sometimes! but most of the time i can't help but "twinkle" on back.

the things you say are so funny. for example, sunday we were at church talking when they started shutting the lights off, and i said "oh they're kicking us out." we got out to the van and i realized that i forgot my coat in church. so i ran back in to get it....later you asked if i got kicked. i was confused. then you asked again, "did they kick you at church momma? you said they were kicking?" i held it together pretty well. and explained it was just a saying and noone kicked me at church. :)

i love your heart for other people. you're always concerned about people, and are always sure to make sure everyone is alright. i love your sensitive heart. you also always need to be prepared of what's happening next. sort of like your momma. and i of course LOVE that about you. :)

you have an awesome love for shoes. maybe something else from your momma. i also love how you wear anything, and don't care what others think about you. keep that baby girl. keep that confidence in you. it took me a very long time to be so confident in myself. i'm so thankful that you have it now. cling tight to it.

you're an awesome sister. you're never afraid to help out one of your siblings. and love to help momma take care of evaleigh. you also are always making sure everyone is okay when they're crying or hurt. and concerned when there is "bleed" involved, and the first to get a band-aid, if that's the case.

i love your compassion. i love your smile. i love your giggle. i just plain love you.

my love for you will always be here. even when someday i know you'll think i'm a "mean momma" i'll still love you. and i can only pray that you know how much Jesus loves you. He will always be there for you. cling to Him when everything else in this world seems to be going crazy. cling to Him when it's not going crazy. He will be the only constant. He will be the one who is ALWAYS there for you. He loves you so much i can't even begin to show you how big that love is. just cling to it baby girl. and cling hard. because the things of this world will push, pull, and try to drag you away from Him...it isn't worth letting go. not even a little bit.

happy birthday breigh.

love, momma

covering my nook.

2011-06-08T12:21:00.001-05:00

i'm not sure if i ever shared on here that my awesome husband got me a nook color for my birthday. doesn't he rock? i honestly told him i didn't want the nook color anymore. i was being wise and had downloaded the nook (and kindle) app on our ipad. and was content with that.

well when my birthday rolled around...he had gotten me the nook color. doesn't he rock? i mean just look at him...he screams..i ROCK! :)

yeah. i thought so too.

anyways!! he just bought me the nook color..."just"...lol. so i needed to find myself a cover. i decided to look on etsy because...well sometimes handmade just looks cuter. and i cannot handmake much of anything...so i may as well support someone who can!! that's when i found dana designs. dana is a momma to three and a military wife. and she can handmake things...so that rocks.

i contacted miss dana to see if she'd be willing to sponsor a review of her e-reader cover on my blog. and she graciously said YES!! i get so excited when i get a yes. sometimes people want you to have a bajillion followers. two bajillionmillion hits a day. and etc. i don't have that. i don't "want" that. i am just a momma blogger who likes to share fun things with my readers every once in awhile.

it was SO hard to pick a cover i liked...i eventually went with this one...isn't it cute?!

oh...and she doesn't just make e-reader covers...she also make coffee cup sleeves...adorable!!

and little tooth pillows for little lost teeth...we don't "do" the tooth fairy...but i'm debating on getting one just for a fun little tradition with the kiddos...again...adorable!!

so. to the review of the cover. it is even more stinkin' adorable in person. i loved it. i put my nook in it right away...and my nook loved it too. i could just tell it "sighed" in relief of the protection it had just been given. dana has a strip of velcro on the cover to keep it closed. and when you're reading you fold the cover back and velcro it to the back...so you're not left with a dangling cover.

my velcro is losing it's sticky...not because of the way it's made...but because i've noticed as i read i stick and unstick the velcro. so it's my bad habit the velcro is wearing faster than it would with "normal" use. plus it's velcro...that's what happens. so i don't think it's a negative at all. honestly...i find nothing negative about the cover...besides that i want another one...just so i can "change it up"....hopefully my diaper bag addiction does not influence an addiction to e-reader covers.

do you have a nook? a kindle? a sony reader? a kobo? do you need a super cute cover for it?

do you have an addiction to coffee? do you need a super cute coffee sleeve?

do you have a little one with loose teeth? do you need a super cute tooth pillow?

did you answer yes to any of those questions?

do you want a fun discount code to go shopping at dana designs?

YES!?!!

well then...just use the code BLOG15 for a 15% discount at dana designs!!

i told you dana rocked!!

so what are you still doing here? go shop away!

**please note i was given a nook color cover from dana at dana designs for purpose of this review. because it was free did not influence my honest review of her product. okay...quit reading this small print...and get shopping already!! :)**

and ps. i LOVE my nook color. it rocks. i've read a bajillion books since getting it. and it is much nicer than reading on my ipad because it's lighter and it's smaller. i still think my ipad rocks too.

finally.

2011-06-06T15:10:00.000-05:00

finally. caitlyn is potty trained. finally.

can i just say what a week last week was though? seriously. it was awful. cailtyn is my strong willed. stubborn child. she sat on the potty for 2 1/2 hours one night because she didn't "want to go". she did eventually go. and thankfully it was only one night of that. basically i had to let her know that i wasn't giving in to her. i just sat in the bathroom with her and finished a book. so it was nice for me too. :)

i'm so glad she's trained. and it only took five days. five very long days. but it's over with now. finally.

dustin has gone "pee!!" on the toilet a few times too. i'm not pushing him. mainly because I need the break. i was stressed to the max last week. i was in tears over the crazy potty training. i need a break. if dustin wants to wear unders, as he calls them, i let him and we see what happens. it is funny to hear him yell from the bathroom i PEE. i PEE! i don't know why he calls it pee, because we always call it potty...but whatever.

i miss blogging. i realized that i only have been blogging once a week, if that, and i miss it. it's nice to come on here and just ramble. i know i may bore most of you to tears, but i just love to ramble. :) it feels good to sort of let it all out.

i'm really learning to organize my time better. as i shift things around. cut things out. i'm learning how much time i've wasted before. enough being lazy for this momma. i will not take a picture...but mount popp has grown in my living room today. i've literally washed clothes, but instead of folding them...they piled up in my laundry room. and i hate it. i always get so mad at myself for letting those things "go". i've come to the point in my life where, enough is enough. something HAS to change.

i'm not the one who has a spotless house. really, it isn't that important to me. most days you'll find cheerios on my floors and clothes in the bathroom. and of course toys in most rooms. :) but what is starting to be more important to me...is just to have the house picked up. so when someone calls i don't have to freak out about cleaning up my house. because it IS already picked up. maybe not spic and span clean, but picked up is nice. so i'm not aiming for the "perfect looking" house. i just want it perfect for me. i have five kids. my house isn't going to be spotless.

i'm trying to structure our days some more. and find out what works best for us. i've decided that as nice as it is to sleep til 840 most days...i feel like i get nothing done. and from the moment i wake up i'm "mom". where it'd be nice to be just "amanda" for awhile. so my goal is to start waking up BEFORE my kids. and even if some days it's just to watch the news, it's nice to get some alone time in the morning too. because really i get some "alone" time during the day when they have rest time, but i'm still "mom" too because the girls are awake in their room and sometimes aren't so quiet. after they go to bed (they all go to bed around 830) there is some time for quiet time too. but i'm so exhausted some days i do nothing but sit on my tookie.

my goal is to exercise more. losing weight will be nice. but i've come to the point that the number on the scale does NOT define me. and really how often does someone ask you...so how much do you weigh? the number isn't too big of a deal. it's how i feel about myself and how i feel how i look. i've been seeing a nutritionist for a few months, and even though i haven't lost many pounds..i've lost over 5 inches in my waist and 1 inch in my thighs. and honestly...it's been minimal exercise and minimal following all the eating rules. so now i need to kick myself in the butt and work a bit harder and accomplish my goals. last night after the kids went to bed i went for a run. it felt good. my goal is to be able to run around our block. which is about 4 miles. so by the end of summer i think i can do it. it may not be fast. it may not even be pretty. but i'm going to do it. and hopefully lose a few more inches in the process. :) i just need to set up a playlist on my ipod for running...i had to keep switching songs last night...i love worship music...but it's super hard to run to slow music. for me anyways.

evaleigh is going to be 11 months old tomorrow. i can hardly believe it's been that long since i had her. she's officially crawling now. and i've noticed even more of her personality shining through. it's so fun.

i also realize how far i've come in the past 11 months. it's been such a rocky road. but one that is getting a bit smoother each day i go. yesterday i was talking to one of shaun's cousins who is having a baby this summer. and i told her you know, if you feel like crap a month after you have the baby...tell someone. i never would've said this to an expecting mom before. but i think it's so important to share. i wasn't trying to scare her, i wasn't trying to tell her she will feel like crap. but *if* she does...to just tell someone. and i shared a bit of my story with her. my belief is that if by sharing my story with everyone...but it only helps one person...i've done my job. post partum depression is nothing to be ashamed of. and neither is depression. there is nothing "wrong" with you for admitting it. for getting help.

a month ago or so i had to attend a funeral of a distant cousin. she decided that life wasn't worth living anymore. she was only in her 20's. when i heard the news i was shocked. saddened. i couldn't imagine. my mom and i attended the funeral, and that's when it hit me hard. I could've been her. it could've been MY family. MY kids. MY friends attending MY funeral. i cried as i went home asking myself "what in the world was I thinking?" and the truth is...at that dark dark time of my life, i wasn't thinking clearly at all. for a few split seconds that seemed like the only answer for me. thankfully the thoughts only were a few split seconds. and God protected me (and my family and friends) i can't go back and change the thoughts and really i'm not so sure i want to. yeah i said that. because it was after that day i realized just how bad it was. how i needed to change my thinking. i think what happened for me is i pushed those deep dark feelings down in a place for awhile, but after having evaleigh and the emotions/horomones were flowing those feelings were there yet and just surfaced again and helped to make my post partum depression worse.

i don't like what i've had to endure. but yet, i'm so thankful for the story i have to share with others. i'm so thankful that God loves me always. that He's never left me. that at times it was ME leaving Him. He stayed put. waiting for me to run into His wide open arms. i'm so thankful for the grace He pours out on me every single day.

one day last week, i freaked out at caitlyn. it was a bad momma moment no doubt. i felt bad about it ever since it happened. i apologized to her soon after i yelled a bit too much and too loud. and she forgave me. but i still felt super bad. and then yesterday at church pastor danny reminded me (well all of us) that God's forgiveness is NEW every morning. His mercies are NEW every morning. that Jesus wipes us clean. we're white as snow. yesterday was also communion at church, and it was so fitting after the week i had to come to His table and thank Him for His forgiveness. for His sacrifice and His never ending love. i'm so thankful that i can rest in His promises. and even though it doesn't make it so my life is a piece of cake, it just makes my life's cake taste a bit better with Him helping me.

so yeah. life is good. even through my week of crazy badness...it was still good. because this week, caitlyn is potty trained. my house is getting the attention it so needs. and God is still here with me. ahhhh.

it's been a long while since i've posted pictures. so i'll leave you with some. i need to get better about posting them. :)

miss evaleigh crawling!!

amelya for her dance recital. ((you would never guess she was SICK! she was such a champ!))

by the time breigh and caitlyn's class went on it was 830PM. crazy. and too late. but still cute.

caitlyn was beyond tired. and literally cried the entire time on stage. WHILE doing the dance. i was SO proud of her.

people always tell me that caitlyn and breigh look a lot alike. i can totally see that in this picture of them.

shaun needed to pick stones. breigh, caitlyn and dustin wanted to help. i love this picture. and i love raising "farm kids". ((believe you me...i can't believe i just said that either!!))

we had our church picnic last monday. they had cupcakes. and dustin loved them!!

amelya reading outside. she loves to read. i found a website to "test" reading levels. she tested at a 4th grade 4th month reading level! such a proud momma!

evaleigh LOVES to swing outside. dustin hated it. so it's nice to have a baby who loves it again!

these kids make me smile. and make me realize that all this craziness will soon pass and i'll miss it all...maybe even the potty training...maybe...

whew.

2011-05-26T10:57:00.001-05:00

whew. it's been a LONG time. BUT i've needed the break. i honestly haven't read many blogs or obviously blogged myself for the past three weeks. it's refreshing to get the break, and i think sometimes i get too stressed out about blogging. oh man it's been X amount of days i "need" to blog. clearly the world can survive without me blogging, so i don't "need" to do it. it's a want for sure though!!

we've been busy too. and a good busy. so i'll just give an update on each of the kiddos because well...it's fun. :)

miss amelya:: LOST her first tooth!! it had been loose awhile and all of a sudden one day she was coming down the stairs and said uh oh?! she lost her tooth. like literally LOST it. not only was it out of her mouth, but it was missing all together. she was excited to lose it. we don't "do" the tooth fairy, but joked that daddy was going to dress up like a fairy and leave her a prize. it didn't happen. although i would've loved to see shaun in a tutu!! amelya is almost done with first grade! we all got sick a few weeks ago. YUCK. so we didn't do school for a week. either one of the kids was sick or this momma was sick. so it pushed us back a week. our last day should be june 9th. instead of next friday. so not really too bad. and really i'm thankful for homeschooling and sickness, because she didn't have to "miss" anything and make it up. we just started right where we left off. honestly. i think i could just skip the rest of the first grade reading material because it's so easy for her. she has taken off on her reading and is reading chapter books. but we're finishing it. and she wants to finish up the Bible reader anyways. :) she's also just plain growing up. i think it happened over night. i seriously look at her and wonder how in the world i missed her growing up. it truly flies by SO fast.

miss breigh:: will be five in a few weeks. and is very quick to tell you that!! we are working through kindergarten work with her in school. slowly. one thing i noticed about starting her before she was five is that she is not ready for some of the harder things. she is also NOT amelya. so i have to think of different ways to teach her and because of her age sometimes have to move slower. part of me wishes i would've just waited til fall to start because i think she would've for sure been ready. she was flying through my preK curriculum stuff so i figured she was ready for the K work. which in MOST ways she was. but the reading aspect of it she was not 100% ready for. so i'm slowing down that work and i think once fall comes she'll be able to fly through it. yesterday she did so well during school i was in tears! it clicked for her and it was so amazing to see. she has also been growing up too. i just can't believe she's almost five. it will be weird to have a five and a six year old.

miss caitlyn:: oh miss caitlyn. who still is not potty trained. and now it's sort of bugging me. she is clearly OLD enough to go on the potty!! after being sick the few weeks ago i needed to get my house back in order first before even starting to think about seriously training her. or i would've been stressed out. this week we're gone a lot, so i didn't want to start it then. so either this weekend, or next week...it's got to be train caitlyn time. i mean seriously...she'll be FOUR in september...this is LONG over due. she's been growing up a ton lately and the conversations i have with that girl are hilarious. i love it when they're at the ages to have conversations with. she's been doing great in school. she has all of her letters down, as far as recognizing them, and is working on writing her name. when i direct her she can write it all. but when she tries by herself the c is usually backwards and it's missing a few letters. :) but i'm not worried about that. she is only almost four. so it isn't anything that "needs" to be done right now. one of the main reasons we choose to homeschool is so we don't have to push our kids faster than they need to be. ((way off topic, sorta, but i heard that if you teach your child NOTHING. nothing at all. and put them in to school at 4th grade, it would only take them ONE semester to catch up. i try to remind myself of that daily. it doesn't matter WHEN they learn it, as much as that they do learn it.))

mr dustin:: i think mr dustin is getting ready to be potty trained. he wants his diaper changed immediately after he goes in it. ((unlike caitlyn who 99% of the time cares less)) i honestly just want to train them one at a time. but we'll see what happens. i can't imagine only one kid in diapers. that hasn't happened since amelya was a baby! so 6 years ago. but i also know it will be so nice and weird at the same time. dustin is turning into such a little boy. all you have to do is look at his black and blue eye. ;) he fell down the stairs the other day. he is also such a sweetheart. every morning i always ask for a kiss on each cheek. it's just our little thing. the other day i was putting him in his carseat and he goes kiss and points to my cheek. he wanted to kiss my cheek!! awww. i tell shaun it's because he sees shaun be such a good husband and daddy that dustin has no other choice then to be a sweetheart. ((and i kid you not, dustin and caitlyn have both just asked to wear underwear. and are now both wearing underwear. we'll see how this goes!)) thankfully i'm still getting naps out of dustin each day. he participates in school about 2 or 3 days a week. but other than that he's napping during school time. it's been fun seeing him learn the basic stuff though. i found a really cool game for him at a rummage sale last week that he's been loving to play for school. school for him is pretty much all play. because really, at these young ages, they learn so much more through play than they do sitting at the table doing worksheets.

miss evaleigh:: she's almost 11 months old! i can't believe it. she's finally gotten some teeth. the first one on my birthday!! and since then she's gotten two and a tiny bit more. the one is almost through, but not quite. she looks so cute with her little teeth. she is thisclose to crawling. she is by far my "latest" crawler. but i'm fine with that. amelya crawled at 6 1/2 months. the rest have been between 9/10. i like later crawling better! it will sure get a bit more interesting when she does start crawling all over. and it really hasn't been like she hasn't been getting around, she will roll all over, and has been pushing backwards for quite awhile too. i have a feeling once crawling starts it'll get crazy fun. i've weaned evaleigh during the day and feed her in the morning and in the evening. she wasn't nursing well during the day at all anymore so i made the executive decision to cut it out. and because she's at the perfect age we moved straight to sippy cups. although, she does not care for formula. she had, had it before but mixed with breastmilk ususally. or just flat out refused the bottle. i thought it was because of the bottle. but i'm thinking now she didn't like the formula. she wouldn't drink it at all, or only a small bit at a time. so i tried almond milk with her this week and she loves it. it has great nutritional value so i'm cool with that. i didn't want to go straight to cow's milk with her because she has had some issues with other dairy before. so we'll see once she's a year about doing that. i'm enjoying the early morning feedings with her though. she gets up around 6 usually and nurses, then goes back to sleep. as i hold her and watch her and feel her little hand on my chest i get all sentimental. knowing that our nursing days are getting to be close to the end. i have no desire to nurse much longer than a year. i'm ready to get my self back. so even though i feel a bit sad about it, i'm also seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. :)

amanda:: well. i'm getting ready to move into toddler-ish hood. and out of babyhood. and i'm feeling sad, but not missing it. and that's when i realize i'm done having babies. i'm ready for the next stage of life. it's such a weird feeling, i think because it's one i haven't ever had before. i've always been ready for the next baby. now i can see pregnant women. newborn babies. and not desire it for myself. i miss the tiny little baby snuggles, but don't "want" them. if that makes any sense? it feels so good to "know" we're done. to know it was God helping us make that decision. i also have been enjoying school. and am super excited to start 2nd grade in fall. it's all about the US and i loved learning about the states when i was in school so it'll be fun to learn it again and probably some new things. it's amazing what i've learned already only doing K and 1st grade. i've been getting back into my wildtree business. it feels good to be doing shows again. i had taken a bit of a break, but now feel ready to get that going. my PPD has been so much better. some days have been a struggle, but i know that it is going to be that way. even not suffering through depression people have days where they struggle. i just have been thankful for the clarity of mind and to make choices clearly. i feel as if the fog i had been living in for so long is finally almost all gone. God has seen me through such a dark and awful time in my life. but i know He has been here the entire time. which has made the fog so much easier to get through.

shaun:: works way too much. he's been having some long weeks. which some days make me feel like a single mom. it's a long day when he leaves before i wake up and gets home in time to put the kiddos to bed. but yet i'm thankful for a job for him. and that he does his job without complaining and grumbling. and for the Lord. when he hasn't been working he's been working at home. getting the lawn cut. and doing our field work. he took a day off of work the other week to work up the fields and plant them. it was fun to be a true farming family for a day. it was fun to have him home all day long. even though he wasn't in the house. plus the kiddos LOVE to go out in the tractor with daddy. and it gave me a bit of a break too. ;)

overall...it's been a great few weeks. minus the sickness of course. :) the girls had their dance recital in the midst of our sickness. they held it together and did it. not as best as i've seen them do it, but given the circumstances...they did wonderfully. shaun has off this weekend. woo hoo. we're not 100% sure what we're doing...but it'll be fun. monday he is taking off (he doesn't get holiday days off working in the agriculture field) because we have our church picnic.

at the conclusion of this blog post:: dustin has had one accident, which seemed to gross him out, and he has sat on the potty about five times. and he is now wearing fruit of the loom undies like his daddies and is super excited to have undies like daddy!! ha.
caitlyn has remained dry. woo hoo. :)

on parenting

2011-04-29T14:15:00.002-05:00

well i'm not going to claim to be an expert. at all. but i have five kids. so i'm a parent. and i just feel the need to blog about it. so i am. :)

a few weeks ago i got my hair cut with the three big girls. ((it was such a fun "girls day")). while there i saw another mom and her two boys. the older of the two didn't want to sit to get his haircut, totally fine. totally understand. then she'll all "no mcdonald's. sit down. no mcdonald's. come on sit down. no mcdonald's. sit. okay fine. you want to sit on my lap." the whole conversation lasted a good few minutes. and kicking and screaming from said child. who was five or so. i watched this mom parent her children the entire time we were there. she allowed her 18 month old to wander around the salon and grab HOT curling irons out of the 'spots'. sharp scissors. hair spray. you name it. he was grabbing it. while she sat in the chair, never once getting up, saying "don't touch that. come here. don't touch that". ((at one point i had to take back what he took out of the cart thingy and told him no. and he totally avoided me the rest of the time.)) at the hair place you are allowed to get a prize after a haircut. the older boy successfully got his haircut and took a prize. then decided later it wasn't what he wanted. he wanted a sucker...or FIVE instead. so he proceeded to stuff his pockets with the suckers. while his mom said. "come on now. put those back". as he proceeded to stuff them in his pockets. and then run at her full force and hit her on the head. more like slap her. whatever. she bundled up her boys. and walked out the door saying come on now, let's go to mcdonald's. with the suckers STILL in his pocket.

i just shook my head. i mean seriously. you think he's going to listen to you when you "threatened" him with no mcdonald's...he did not obey you...and then stole suckers...did not obey you. and you take him there any ways. he totally knew you would. which is why he knew he also didn't have to listen to you in the first place.

i always laugh when i hear parents threaten their kids with outlandish things. i once heard a mom say okay no birthday party for you. really?! i mean REALLY?! will you really cancel the party? nope. didn't think so. ((the little girl knew it too and never obeyed)). i'm sure i've done it too. but have since realized how foolish it is. shaun has too. he once threatened to throw away all of our toys. so i asked him really? will you? he just looked at me and realized how goofy it sounded. ((it didn't make the kids pick them up either because they knew he wouldn't)) over the past few months i've seen God do an amazing work on my husband and his parenting. he's grown so much. and it's such a blessing to see. he isn't a pushover anymore YAY!!

i really think a lot of the problem come when parents try to be their kids friends. i don't need to be their BFF. my job as a parent is to parent them, not be their BFF. i feel that i need to be the mom FIRST friend SECOND. i'm not saying to not be friends with your kids. because i love the friendships i have with my kids. it's when that friendship is put before the relationship of parent/child it becomes a problem.

confidence is key. my kids know when i say something. i mean it. i'm not going to sway. i'm not going to give in if they cry,whine, pout, etc long enough. their tears don't do anything to me in those situations. you can be mad or sad or whatever at me. but i still mean what i say. and i will follow through too. empty threats are useless to parents. don't follow through with one threat...and then another...well your kid will figure it out and bamo...they act like they're in charge. and you've let them.

i've seen so many times where a child is telling the parent what to do. or not do. and the parent listens?! that is so backwards. and then they wonder why their child won't listen to them?

yesterday i took the five kiddos out to eat for lunch at a sit down place. i had a number of people tell me how "brave" i was. i just smiled. but then giggled too. bravery to me...is not going out to eat with my children. bravery to me is jumping off a cliff. or out of a airplane. or fighting in wars. they're my kids. we need to eat. i was lazy. and wanted chicken noodle soup. so we went out to eat. i guess we've never not taken our kids anywhere. since little one we've always taken them in public. they've been 'trained' on how to behave. they know they're expected to not throw fits. not whine. etc etc. and if they do they're taken in the bathroom and talked to. i refuse to take a child "out" of a place for misbehavior. i personally feel like if i take them out to the car for the temper tantrum they threw it's rewarding them. and not showing them how to act appropriately. when we take them in to the bathroom we have stern discussion. tell them that is not acceptable to (fill in the blank). that they will walk out of the bathroom not throwing a fit. and they will sit at the table quietly and eat. and if they do it again we will come in the bathroom again and they will get a tap on the bottom. usually it only takes on visit to the bathroom. i do not feel like there is anything wrong with a spanking. i feel like it is wrong to beat your child. to act out in anger against your child. but spanking, done in love and not anger, is acceptable to me and works for our family.

a sweet friend once said to me, she needed to respond. not react. that spoke volumes to me. so often when we're angry we can 'react' badly. but taking the time to calm down and then respond to behavior, is so much better. i've been working on that myself. to respond. not react. it's amazing how much it's changed in our family.

in our mom's room at our homeschooling co-op we were talking about discipline. one mom said how she doesn't count to three. it only means you can disobey on one and two. ummm. love that. it's so true. because really...most kids take til three to *maybe* listen. i've never been a counter really...i used to babysit a lot and it didn't work with them. so why would it work with my kids. but i agree completely with her statement.

we've been working on obeying. did you know obey means to listen the FIRST time? i didn't. i thought it meant to just listen. but it means the first time. since implementing the "obey the first time" rule...i've seen HUGE changes in my kids. and not only must they obey the first time they must do it with a happy cheerful heart. sure it can be a struggle, but the heart attitude needs to be corrected as well. my children will continue to do the task they were asked until they have the correct heart attitude. they will sit on the couch if need be for however long until their heart is corrected. we don't do the "minute per age" because who am i to decide how long it takes to corret their heart? that's God's doing. and the heart change is clearly evident, so they can't fake it either.

you also need to be consistent. i struggled a bit with the consistency issue while battling my PPD. and it showed. now that we've gotten back on track..ah...so much better. what you say and do today, better be what you said and did yesterday, and what you will say and do tomorrow. if it's not....why should your children believe you?

no kids are perfect. i know that. mine are far from it. and i'm far from the perfect mother. i've just learned that i need to be their confident. consistent parent. and take no crap for lack of better words. my kids are not allowed to ask "why" they were asked to do something. ((of course they can ask why the sky is blue? grass green? etc)) but they are not allowed to ask me "why" about other things. my answer to them is "you don't get to ask why. you just obey". i do not have to explain myself to them. if i tell them to clean up their room, they clean their room. i do not have to tell them "why" they have to clean their room. there is also no back talking. at all. period. they do not tell me "no". if they decide to, they are told that. you do not talk to me that way. they're made to say sorry and ask for forgiveness.

we started that new recently. asking for forgiveness. if someone does something to hurt the other they need to apologize and ask "do you forgive me?" i think this is an important thing. it's hard for anyone to ask for forgiveness, but forgiveness is so important. and if it's instilled in them at a young age, it is hopefully something that will not go away, but stick with them. so as teens and adults if they do something wrong they can ask the other person for forgiveness. and it won't be something difficult to do.

we've also learned to not give our kids' excuses. like say oh that's just the way she/he is. well if the behavior isn't okay. then no. they can't be that way. we showed caitlyn too much grace for way too long. which resulted in fit throwing that could win awards!! when we finally said. wait. NO. you cannot behave like that. just because that is the way you are...doesn't mean that is the way you have to be. even evaleigh is not given excuses. sure she is a baby. but there are certain things she can understand. we went throwing a "pinching" stage during nursing. she'd totally just pinch me on my breast...and it hurt. so i took her off. and told her no. and then gently 'flicked' her hand. she learned in a few feedings she could not pinch. and hasn't done it since. if we show too much grace for too long...the behavior will only get worse. and then harder to correct. we need to be correcting always. if they throw a toy across the room, you tell them they can't do that. you don't "shluff" it off on them being to "little" to get it. they are smarter than we give them credit for. so be sure to always be correcting, not giving excuses. it's not fun to discipline. but it's worth it, when you get the correct behavior the next time.
it may seem drastic sometimes. but i think that all of this hard work i'm putting into parenting my kids will only benefit me in the end. the no fit throwing rule allows us to eat in peace in public 99.9% of the time. the other traits we carry allows us to parent our children 100% of the time. they know when we say "stop splashing in that puddle" that if they don't obey the first time, there will be consequences. and we should not have to say it more than one time. i've found that if i've allowed the behavior to continue for longer and longer that one of two things will happen. 1. as a parent you just quit asking. they continue to disobey, and aren't made to listen at all. or 2. you get madder and madder and madder. and they continue to disobey. both ways are not the outcome i want. i want my children to obey, not disobey.

my children are not obedient all of the time. in a perfect world maybe. but this ain't no perfect world. so shaun and i, with God directing us, parent our children the way He shows us how. and in the same ways that He parents us. with love. and with loving discipline. oh how i wish i could say i am obedient to God 100% of the time. but the truth is i'm not. because i'm not perfect. but He is. and i'm oh so thankful for that.

i can only pray you've read this with an open heart. like i said, i'm totally not an expert. i've only shared what works for our family. and quite honestly it works well. all praise has to go to God. we always get a people coming up to us in public exclaiming how well our children are behaved. how they've never seen such well behaved children. how proud we should be. oh boy are we proud. proud of the work God has done in our lives and the lives of our children. but i'll admit, it feels a bit awkward to be told all these things, but it also feels pretty darn good. it sort of reassures me, us, that we ARE doing a good job. and heck, who doesn't like a compliment. ;)

song on my heart.

2011-04-11T16:54:00.001-05:00

this is what's on my heart lately. i love this song it's called "revelation song" we've sung it at church and each time my heart swells with admiration. love. worship for God. i pray it speaks to your heart as it does mine.

where's yours in?

2011-04-08T09:37:00.000-05:00

it's been another week. each time i say to myself i need to blog more. and then it's a week later.

our computer has been acting all wonky. well HAD been. yesterday i decided to try and figure out how to fix it. it would only run in safe mode. and God is so good. i got it fixed. by "myself". i'm so thankful for that. it seriously was the highlight of my day. lol.

i took the kids to the dentist this week. it was the first time for all of them. we do not have dental insurance, so that is why we have never gone before. but i decided we needed to go. well it started because the day before i left for california i had to have a tooth pulled. ((i'm so glad i did, the pain relief was INSTANT!)) and i decided to get my teeth checked and cleaned. ((it had been an obsense amount of time since i had)). so then i planned on getting the kiddos checked too. mainly because i don't want them to have a mouth full of yuck teeth. anyways... they all did great. dustin let them look at his teeth. we didn't try cleaning his this time. looking was good enough for us. caitlyn had zero cavities. YAY! amelya had one. breigh had two. boo. they all did great with getting their teeth cleaned though. and i'm praying cavities go well on the 18th. since we don't have dental insurance. they off a % off if you pay in full with cash or check. so thankfully i was able to do that and save some money. the kids have been super diligent about brushing their teeth since going on monday. so that's a plus too. and amelya has her first loose tooth. insane.

ANYWAYS. i feel like i ramble on and on. and really say nothing at all. or nothing that anyone really truly "cares" about. i mean seriously...i'm sure you don't really care that i took the kids to the dentist. then i remember...it's my blog. i can blog about whatever. and you can read it or leave it.

i've started this blog almost 3 years ago. 3 crazy years. i never would have expected "this". that i would actually stick to something "this" long. that i would make "this" many new friends. that i would have "this" to share my joys. my pains. my happiness. my heartaches with. God has truly blessed "this" for me. and i'm so very thankful!

there have been times recently i've thought about just 'stopping'. i haven't been blogging a lot. but then i realize how much i enjoy it and don't want to stop. and then maybe i wonder if it's ministering to someone. and really. i love it. i've gotten no answers about stopping. so even though it's few and far between...i'm still here. and once i continue to smooth out our schedule...i'll be here more. :)

school has been getting longer for us. i decided to add in a spelling curriculum for amelya. i was going to just wait til next year to start it. but bought it. and had to start it. she's been doing fantastic. she's gotten 9/10 right on both pretests. it's fun. and she asks every day when we're doing spelling. so she likes it. she's gotten into reading fancy nancy books lately. the books are adorable. and she loves them. it's fun to see her reading. i LOVE to read. so i'm praying i can pass that love on to all the kiddos too. yesterday was "craft day" and it was crazy to have amelya reading the directions to me. like seriously?! wow. breigh has been coming along with her K work too. i wasn't sure if she'd be ready to start it. she struggles a bit with letter sounds. but for sure can write all her letters. so we're working slowly on K. technically she doesn't turn five til june. and wouldn't start K til next sept in the schools anyways. the preK stuff was way too easy for her. so i figure we may as well go right on in to K. i have her do the K worksheets from the curriculum. but the other stuff we talk about is from the 1st grade stuff. it's much easier to teach one "main" thing and then break apart what we need to for everyone else. caitlyn has been doing school with us too. she's writing her name now!! woo hoo. a few weeks ago she couldn't at all. and now she is. amazing. it brings so much joy to my heart to see them 'get it'.

i was reading someone's facebook status yesterday about having issues with our local school/teachers. it made me glad that homeschooling is the fit for our family. i don't know how well i would deal with stuff like that. at my gr. grandma's bday party last weekend i was talking with a distant cousin. ((my 2nd cousin? i don't know the 'rules' of that!)) and i mentioned how we homeschooled. her reaction was funny to me. she looked at me like i had two heads and said "why?" with the tone of you're crazy. i can't believe someone chooses to do that. what were you thinking.

she went on to explain how she was excited her youngest was starting 4K next year and she was so excited to get time back for herself. so it wasn't as if she thought homeschooling was awful. it was almost more the fact that i choose to spend all day with my kids. clearly i don't understand her excitement of sending her kids off to school as much as she doesn't understand my excitement of schooling them at home.

which only shows...homeschooling is not for everyone. for me. i couldn't imagine putting my amelya on a bus and waving to her as she goes off down the road. it breaks my heart to think of myself doing that. it doesn't mean that it's bad for others...it just doesn't work for our family. that's really what it comes down to. doing what God leads your family to do. and God has led us to homeschool. all i ask, is that others are happy for us.

there is so much judgement in the parenting world. i mean seriously. i USED to care what everyone thought of my choices. homeschooling. cloth diapering. disciplining. how many kids i have. breast feeding. where my babies sleep. and then i realized how lame i was. truly...WHO CARES?! as long as i am doing what God has called me to do. it does not matter one single bit what anyone else thinks of my choices.

it took me awhile to get to this point. it is not something that happened over night. but i'm so glad God has worked on me. and through this. so my advice to you... be confident. be confident in the calling that God has placed on your life.

sometimes being a parent feels like being in high school all over again. except it's worse. because in high school you knew you'd be "out" in four years. this parenting thing is a permanent gig. you'll always have those moms who think you're awful for letting your baby cry for five minutes. or *gasp* you feed with a bottle? ((and then wonder WHAT is in the bottle...if it isn't breastmilk...how dare you? (oh you tried to breastfeed for weeks and it didn't work out for you. oh you pumped breastmilk because your baby can't latch decent. oh you choose to not breastfeed.) ))does it TRULY matter? no really?. does it? sure breastmilk is "best"milk. but if the mom is feeding her child. does it matter what it is? it's not like she's giving her baby a bottle of alcohol. it's formula. or perhaps breastmilk in a bottle. big deal. sorry. that's one thing that truly bugs me. so many people can place judgement on a simple choice a mom can make to feed her baby.

i'm still nursing evaleigh.. this is the longest i've breastfed without supplementing any bottles. (9 months as of yesterday.) she's only nursing four times a day now. at this point i'm giving her a sippy with all meals so we can just transition to a cup instead of a bottle then to a cup. i have a sample size can of formula in the cupboard. so i just make that up for her when we eat. i didn't get a chance to build up a huge supply of breastmilk in the freezer. and the pump doesn't work for me anymore. so i give her the formula. and she's still living. and so am i. :) and i'll be honest. i'm sort of looking forward to being done nursing. i've been nursing on and off for the past six years. i'm ready to be done. to have my boobs back. lol.

we're done having babies. like i've never been more sure of it than before. it's this peace God has given me about it. and it's been so much fun. i truly know only this peace can come from God. it's crazy. but it's also so exciting. just to see where God will take our family from here. i don't know. i don't even know how to explain it. so then i just end up rambling the same things only using different words. lol.

my birthday is sunday. 28. it's crazy to think i'm 28. i don't feel like it's possible to be 28. it doesn't seem possible to be "out" of high school for 10 years. that i have a 6 year old with a loose tooth. that evaleigh is 9 months old. time goes by so fast. it's truly a vapor. what really matters...is what you're doing with your time. wasting it caring about what everyone thinks about you? or enjoying the callings God placed on you...and not only enjoying them but being confident IN them?

i'd be lying if i didn't say i struggled with being confident. because i do. each day. it's a choice to be confident in God or rely on myself. the days i rely on myself are nothing short of torture. it's when my full 100% reliance is on the God who i serve...that everything seems to be a bit better.

where is it you place your trust? where is your reliance? where is your hope in?

i'm so thankful i can answer all three of those questions with God. and know that He loves me. always. forever. and that He forgives me. completely. 100% each time. what an amazing Father. Friend. God.

thoughts.

2011-04-01T17:19:00.000-05:00

i have a ton of random thoughts in my head. so why not just randomly go off on them is what i figure. although knowing myself as well as i do, and that's pretty well...i may just get stuck on one. ((and yes i know, it's been FOREVER three hours five minutes and six seconds since i last posted...sorry!!))

and yet i don't know what to start with?! lol. we implemented rest time at our house. can i tell you all how much i LOVE it. it used to be when the kiddos quit naps...that quit naptime..obviously. and i was totally cool with that. til caitlyn quit napping. going from 2 kids all day to 3...was a bit insane. so i followed suit of a few close friends...and implemented rest time. ahhh. it's a break for me. for them. and we all win. most of the time i get caught up on my chores. today...blog. lol. it feels good to sit and do nothing for a bit. when generally i didn't do that until 830 at night when they went to bed. i think it'll be great because as they all grow older it is something that will continue to happen. so i will always have a short time each day of 'rest' for myself as well.

and especially on weeks shaun works crazy hours, it's detrimental to my sanity. starting today and probably lasting the next 2 weeks shaun will be working a ton of hours again. they're 'emptying the digester' at his work. so it's a long process and long hours. having the rest time gives me the re-coup time i need to be the mom i need to be for those long 'single' days. sometimes it does feel a bit like a 'single mom'. but yet again it doesn't, because at the end of the day, no matter how long it is, my husband comes home. i'm so thankful for the life God has blessed us with.

this weekend is my great grandma's 90th bday party. 90 years. amazing. i'm excited because we get to see family that we normally don't get to see. like seriously, once a year. so it's fun. and the kiddos always enjoy playing with other kids.

we have painted some walls in our living room. it's been so much fun. we live in the house that shaun grew up in. and really we haven't changed much of any thing in the house. we redid the playroom a few years ago. but that's been pretty much it. truthfully i haven't cared much. but in the past few months i've been getting the urge to make it ours. sure our stuff is all in the house. but part of me still feels like i live in my mother in law's house. and we want to feel like it's "our" house. so we're changing it up to make it feel like "our" house. a few months ago, well more like 5, we bought a new couch. it was loooong overdue. we also bought a new tv a few months back. so our living room was 'half new'. we decided to find paint colors for our living room. one of our walls were paneled. shaun didn't want to just paint over it, so he painstakingly plastered in all the cracks on the wall. ((have i mentioned how much i love my hard working hubby?!?!)) he did a fantastic job. and after we painted the wall you would never guess it was panelling. i LOVE it. plus it's fun to do the job together. and he is a much more paitent painter than i am. so it's nice having him do the 'tedious' painting while i cover the easy stuff. so far two walls are done. we have one more wall to go. this wall will be much more work. it's a 'fake stone' wall. shaun has wanted to tear it out since we got married. i've always said how i wanted to keep it. well shaun has worn me out...and we're going to tear it out. actually i've come to the point where i'm ready to be done with it.

so that's our next project. along with the wall we're also taking out a wooden/glass shelving unit. the glass is broke on almost each shelf. and i hate to dust. and dusting glass is a pain in the tookie. we've already talked with a carpenter about building a new all wooden shelf. i'm excited for it because he had a fantastic idea for a unit. i graduated with him so it's nice to be able to support someone who we know and is local. taking out the wall is going to be a major deal. well i think so anyways. a couple at church has offered to help us out. we're so blessed by that. we're thinking that the kiddos and i will go to their house for a day and then the hubby will come out and help my hubby. it should only take a full day of 'demo' and putting up of new drywall...*should*. lol. our house is old, and usually things don't always go as easily as one would think. either way it will be fun. shaun and bill will get to hang out and fellowship and work hard all day. while the kiddos and i will enjoying the fellowship and 'quiet'ness of their house. and beth and i can hang out. so it's a win win for sure! now trying to find the time to coordinate our schedules is the next thing.

i'd love to have this done before planting season starts. but we'll see. it gives us about a month and a half to figure something out. after the new wall and shelving unit is in...the dining room will be next. all that needs is some new paint. the walls are white. and one has some ivy stencialing on it...that needs to be covered up. :) i'm not sure on colors in there yet. the living room has a light brown wall. and a 'burnt brick' color wall. the new wall will be the brown color. i'm not sure on the dining room. one of the
walls is used for school. so i'm thinking something neutral to go with all the posters/etc. on the wall. the other wall goes all the way to the upstairs. so i have to pick something good for that too. ((and of course means we'll be painting the upstairs landing too. :) lol.)) i like to have a 'fun' wall in each room. i believe the term is 'accent' wall...but i like fun better. so we'll see what tickles our fancy when the time comes.

it's been fun to pick stuff out with shaun. getting his ideas on it all has been one of my most favorite parts. our styles are a bit different when we've been looking at new lighting fixtures for the dining room and stairs. but we've found some that we both like. i get all excited picturing the finished product in my head, and it's a lot of fun. i'm also excited beacause by getting our new shelving unit, i'll be able to get rid of the bookshelves i have. so it will free up some 'space' a bit in the dining room too. well i think the dining room is more the school room. we rarely eat in there. we usually just eat in the kitchen at the 'peninsula' (it's not an island because you can't walk all the way around it. lol.) and the kitchen will get an update eventually too. i'm debating painting the cupboards or refacing them. and for sure painting. stencialing was 'in' for sure. i'm thinking about using my cricut to cut out phrases or something in the kitchen where the current stencialing is. or who knows it may be painted and that's that. i have yet to hang up anything on our painted walls because i just love the way they look without anything on them for now.

i'm so proud of the girls and dustin. they've kept their rooms clean for an entire month. that's a huge accomplishment in my book. they pick up when they're done playing. so that means not only are their rooms clean. but so is their playroom. and my living room. ahhh. just keep your eyes off my dining room table. ;) that's where my laundry is. it needs to be folded. well half of it is. so that half needs to be put away. the other half folded. and then the two loads in the laundry room too. laundry is never done. oh well. today i'd rather blog then do laundry folding. (although it is next on my agenda)

it's so nice to have a 'house'. i know that will seem weird. but honestly i never felt like we had a house. i felt like we had rooms. but not a house. mainly because i would never let you upstairs before. the rooms were too messy. too unorganized. too whatever. but taking the time to clean them. organize them. has been so wonderful. so 'freeing'. that feels weird to say. but it's so true. basically i cared before. but not really. then God did some changing on my heart. and made me really truly care.

i may not have the best house on the block. i may not have the prettiest house on the block. or the cleanest. or the most updated. but it's ours. and i love being able to say that. and i guess moreover...it belongs to God. all of it. it's His house and we're living in it. raising the babies He has entrusted to us. and really...it's all just 'stuff'. i can't take any of it with me. the only thing i can bring with me is my babies and husband i guess. so the most important thing i need to be doing is making sure my babies are walking with Christ. teaching them the importance of Him in our lives. that is my only job.

i can teach them how to read. teach them how to add or subtract. teach them how to clean. or cook. or whatever. but i ultimately need to be teaching them Christ. everything else they learn is just an added bonus.

the other side.

2011-03-21T11:23:00.000-05:00

so. i have a blog post half written and was planning on finishing that. til last week happened.

my heart is so heavy, that i know i must blog through the emotions of it all and i will feel so much better.

let's start from the beginning....

last tuesday a friend of mine had a craft night at her house. ((her husband travels for his job and was out of town all last week, so having people over passes the time..and what a fun way to do it!!)) she was explaining what she had to drink..."water with lemon and cucumber (VERY good!) and tea and hot chocolate, and coffee...it's decaf. because it HAS to be. because i'm pregnant." and she got a super big smile on her face. we all gushed.

it was so exciting for me to be excited for a friend to be pregnant. i'm usually on the other side. i'm the one usually pregnant!! over the course of the night we talked about the exciting-ness of it all. what craft projects had to wait because of the 'fumes'. it was such a joyous time. i could see the joy radiating off of her. it made my heart radiate with joy for her.

on wednesday we had wings. so we were on our way there and my friend called. she was calling to ask for prayer. she had woke up that morning with spotting. and she knew i would know how to pray for her. she said it had slowed down/stopped. and it is something 'normal' with pregnancy. so she wasn't worried. but just asked that i would pray for her. i'll be honest. i was really short on the phone with her. not mean short, just short. all i could say was of course i will. when we got off the phone. my heart was pounding. my eyes were crying. i prayed with my entire heart and soul for her.

i prayed God would allow this baby a chance to meet it's mom and dad. i prayed that she wouldn't have to go through the disgusting reality of losing a baby. i prayed that my experiences wouldn't be a "help" to her. that in 9/10 months we'd be meeting a precious little baby. i'll be honest. i took it HARD. it was the first time in my life someone so close and special to me ever called me to tell me that. i held it together through wings and the rest of the busy day. when i just wanted to cry. be left alone. i was more 'scared' than she was i think. the feelings of my miscarriages came rushing back. the emotions of seeing those 'spots' came flooding in my heart. the begging of God was in my prayers. begging that she would not have to endure the pain i had to. begging that the spotting would be just like the spotting i had with evaleigh...nothing more than that.

i hardly slept that night. when i was awake i prayed fervently for my sweet friend. i waited until 10 the next morning to call her. my heart was anxious all morning before that. my heart was anxious as she answered. then i heard her voice. and "knew".

knew it probably wasn't okay. knew my prayers all night were for a reason. she was without a doubt sure that the baby was miscarrying. i could hear the pain in her voice. i wanted to reach through the phone and grab her. i wanted to be there to cry WITH her. with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat...i had no idea what to say. it's crazy to me, because i've "done" this three times. and still don't know what to say. i'm sorry doesn't seem like enough. yet i'm so truly sorry that she had to go through it. we reassured each other. that God IS mighty. God IS soverign. God IS in control. God's plan IS GOOD.

now, knowing those things doesn't mean that going through something as tragic as losing a child 'easy'. but having that HOPE is so easy. knowing those things makes your heart have a certain sense of calm. it truly is unexplainable. and that is how i know it can only come from God above.

i asked her if she needed something. i was going up to appleton later in the day, so i could easily go somewhere and get her whatever she needed. she needed milk. so i was more than happy to get her that. i wish i had a private jet, and could've gotten her husband from georgia. my heart broke for the two of them to have to endure the pain away from each other. sure he was coming home the next day, but i couldn't imagine not having shaun there with me. but ultimately they (and we) needed to cling to God first and then each other. because having those physical arms to sob into really helps.

when i dropped of the milk i succeeded in not crying. i gave her a big hug. and i finalized the plans for me to take her daughter with us in the morning to the children's museum. so the next morning i picked up her darling little girl and we went to the museum. i knew that it'd be easier to see my husband for the first time virtually "alone", they have another little one, but he is a little over a year, so 'easier' to talk to each other with. i had a ball with the kiddos at the museum, ihop, and hobby lobby. ((i've also decided that five kids are enough, people stare at us with five, but they really stare when you have six. lol))

when i dropped her back off at home my friend thanked me. and said how nice it was to have some time alone with her husband. i was so grateful that it worked out. that they could have the time together and cry, talk, whatever a bit 'easier'.

it was also really cool because shaun took the time to call her husband and leave him a message. basically to let him know he was praying for him and if he needed something to let him know. i know that shaun would have appreciated it if someone did that for him. so i'm so glad that he was able to do something. i knew how to pray for my friend, i know how it feels for me to go through that. what i do not know is how it feels to be the dad in the situation. so i'm so thankful shaun was able to be there for him.

all weekend they were on my heart. they had just found out the friday before, so all i could think about was in how one simple week their lives were changed forever. i prayed and prayed. and prayed some more.

at church we usually sit together. yesterday was no different. as my friend's husband said hi to evaleigh ((i sit out in church til worship is done with her, then we go to the mom's room. :) ))my heart ached for him. wondering how he was doing. what he was thinking. what he was feeling. then one of the last songs of worship started. it was the song "He knows my name".

as the song started. my floodgates were getting full. then as i sang the words, or tried to. i couldn't help it. i broke down. so did my friend. i got up and held her. as we hugged. cried. sobbed. together. it was beautiful. i mean really. i cried knowing how hard it is to sing the words of the song. i cried knowing how hard it can be sometimes to feel like moving on. i cried knowing my friend i loved and cared about was dealing with such an awful hurt.

if you're unfamiliar with the song...here are the lyrics...
I have a maker
He formed my heart,
before even time began
My life was in his hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought,
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

I have a father,
He calls me his own
He'll never leave me,
no matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call
He hears me when I call

when people say they don't believe in God...i want to ask why? because i know when a God who cares so much about me, about you, about all of us, does something like this during worship...i can't NOT believe. no one on the worship team knew what happened. BUT God did. GOD planned out this song to be sung. as a sweet reminder He knows our name. He holds our tears. and HE HEARS US!! and before even time began my life, your life, our sweet babies lives...were in HIS hands.

as we've read our pregnancy tests...He's known those babies. He's known the ones that would be called home to Him before we did. He is in control.

as i held my friend in my arms her husband was singing and it was at the same time of the song "He sees each tear that falls". it was so perfect. so fitting. SO God.

i love through all of this how personal God as been to me. us.

i love that i can be a friend to her. and sort of know what it feels like. i love that i can use my past to minister to her future. i hate that either of us has had to endure such a pain. but i love how God has used it.

seeing this now, i know that it is part of the reason i've had to endure the pain. i know that this is the GOOD that has come out of the situation. the GOOD that He has promised me (and you) in Romans 8:28.

so this time i've been on the other side. i can't tell you that this is a much easier side to be on. because it's not. for me it's been just as heart breaking. heart wrenching. as if i were going through it myself. i'd rather not be on either side of this. but God. as we continue on. as we live our lives for Him. the only 'but' in our life must be God. i've said this before, and will say it again...we only see one small stroke of the masterpiece He is painting for us. looking at one single stroke can "look" ugly...but when added together with all the strokes He is painting...it's quite a beautiful masterpiece.

He knows my name video...

scatter brain.

2011-03-14T10:35:00.000-05:00

if you know me at all in real life...you'll know i'm pretty much scatter brained. i can talk about one thing move to the next and back again without skipping a beat...or taking a breath. and i suppose by reading my blog you could figure out the same thing. truth is. i love it. and second truth. this post will be that as well.

i have mountian popp in my sights. you've never heard of it?! come to my laundry room...and you shall find it. you see i spent last week avoiding all laundry. not on purpose, but i was busy doing other things around the house. i got the girls' room clean. as in...you can SEE ALL of the carpet. it's organized. and i'm in love. well as in love as you can be with a bedroom for your children. by organizing the girls' room i also got the toy room organized. again...in love. we purged a TON of toys as well. i'd say between 25 and 30 percent of our toys went off to goodwill. and it feels SO good. not only to get rid of the things we don't need. but to also be able to bless other kiddos. i love to show my kids how to give, and i love their giving hearts. especially when amelya takes a barbie in her hand...holds her. loving stares at her. and then looks at me and says...i don't need this barbie anymore. i could see her debating with herself in her head, yet her giving heart was willing to "sacrifice" this precious barbie.

because of the amount of stuff we had to take to goodwill, we needed to take shaun's truck. well we all can't fit into shaun's truck.so we asked his sister to watch the kiddos for us. and then we took the stuff to goodwill...AND got a date out of it. super perfect. it was the first date that was just the two of us. no baby. ((and the baby refused to drink the bottle and just went to bed...but slept thru the night. so it was still a success in my book.)) we went to a hibachi grill. our first time. it was good. minus the broccoli the guy wanted to fling in my mouth. i refused. i do not like broccoli. well okay i've never tried it...but the smell is enough to make me avoid it at all costs! we went to culver's for some ice cream. and then came home. it was a 'short' date. but it was super fun. and in shaun's truck i get to sit right next to him. so that was nice too. and reminded me of when we were dating and i'd always sit next to him. ((all together now..."awwwww"))

we sort of had a "date" yesterday too. my MIL took the three older girls to a movie. so we had the two littles. we went shopping for a new clock. because our old one fell off the wall when i was hammering in a nail to hang a picture. and let's just say...it was the last fall for our poor clock. it never came back. which is totally cool...because i got a great new clock. and for cheaper. it was scratched a bit. so i asked at the service desk if i could get it for cheaper. i saved 3 bucks! little over 10%. awesome. totally pays to ask!!

the girls are loving their "new" room. and so am i. of course i told YOU that already. i really think amelya is enjoying it the most. i've found her upstairs in their room all by herself just chillin. and reading her Bible. we bought her, her own Bible for her birthday. a pink sparkly one. it's soooo cool to see her reading it. it's a "big person's" Bible. as in NKJV. it's cool because she is at the reading level to be able to read it by herself and not need much help. she also takes it to church with her and they've been showing her where in her Bible the verse is. when i talked to adam (her teacher) after church yesterday he thought it was so cool that she's been opening up and talking more at church.

my kids are pretty shy. so to see them opening up is such a blessing. because it shows how comfortable they are in the situations they are in and willing to let others "in". we've been so blessed by our church. every week shaun and i leave and know without a doubt that this is 150% where God wants and needs us to be. when we started attending church there we noticed after ONE week of attending the change in our kids. they were happier, more behaved, and the wanting-ness to go to church was back. they had not been wanting to go for awhile. and not only in them, but our hearts were so happy being there. we were being fed again. we were being talked to again. and we didn't see judgement anymore.

i don't feel it necessary to divulge all the details of why we left our other church. the main reason NEEDED to be, and was, that God led us away. and we know without a doubt He did. because if He didn't want us where we are, He wouldn't be blessing us where we are. so we're so very thankful that we followed God's leading and guiding and are being blessed for it. i can only guess that others don't understand it. but then again we haven't been asked about it either. sometimes it feels as if things want to be said. but aren't. it's frustrating to me. but i can't make someone talk to me. my heart breaks at the changes i've seen in situations. but i also know that i'm not going to be the one who can make it better. only God can. so my prayer has been that He opens the doors of communication that have been all but padlocked shut for years.

there's so much freedom in communication. in honesty. in open-ness. in forgiveness. those things are all hard to "do". but so free-ing when they're done. if you don't have 100% communication, honesty, open-ness, forgiveness...there's something not complete about your relationship. i've only just begun myself to do these things 100%. but the fruit from it...has been awe-standing. i've stood in awe at the changes in my relationship with shaun. we've never had a 'bad' relationship. but i've held things in before. i've not been great at forgiving before. but by changing my heart and in turn...changing his. it's been so great for us. i'm happier now then i ever have been. and i've been happy. our marriage is growing by leaps and bounds...and i know will only grow more, and gain more fruit. good fruit. i can't help but sigh with happiness. there was a time yesterday that i got frustrated with him. and in the past i would've said. oh whatever. and just forgotten it. ((holding a grudge of course)) but instead he asked what's wrong. i explained it. he listened. we laughed about how truly silly it was. and then worked it out (not much to be worked out, and truly it was something that looks super silly now, but was important to me at the time!) and we moved forward. and what a blessing it was. i wasn't "secretly" mad at him for a few hours while i cooled off, and then never talk to him. i was just frustrated. told him. and we worked it out. for me it blessed my heart to see God working on us. because it can only be God doing something like that!!

whew. i totally went off on something i never intended to! lol. my dad blessed us yesterday with a laptop. it's his old one, that's on it's "last days". he bought a new one. and gave us his old one. til it dies of course. and i get used to having a lap top. :)

hmmm. i have some posts, like "topical" posts, in my head. and i've purposed it to blog about them this week. one i've been "writing" for a few weeks in my head, since i went to our church's women's retreat. and i'm excited to get it out of my head and through my fingers and on to the blog. Lord willing i can get started on it tonight...and finish it within a few times of sitting down at the computer. :) i suppose with this laptop i can take it to bed and blog. shaun has been working a lot lately so he'll fall asleep super early and i lay in bed watching full house. :) but i could blog and watch full house now! yay. ;) ya'll might be sick of me.

ya'll. i've made a great new friend through church who is originally from TN and have found myself saying it. it is really much easier than saying you all. just say ya'll. shaun giggles at me every time he hears it. the funny thing is i don't even REALIZE i say it til he giggles at me. but if that's the worst thing that i've picked up..i think it's totally all good! we've been so blessed by the friendship we've made with them. my friend and her husband. it's the first time that shaun and i have made friends as a couple. and it's been a huge blessing and so much fun to hang out with them. and see our kids grow closer.

annnnnyways. i've scattered around a lot. but i love it. and if you ever talked to me in real life...well it was just like talking to me now. :) have a great God given blessed day!!

6 years old!

2011-03-05T11:32:00.000-06:00

happy birthday to my amelya franics.
who six years ago changed our world FOREVER.
i love you.
more than you'll ever know.
the way you love Jesus blesses my heart.
you make me smile.
you make me proud.
you make me cry tears of joy.
you make me giggle.
you make me a better mommy.
i love you.
forever.
always.
and a few days after that.
happy birthday princess.
love.
mommy.

wordless wednesday...the pictures i promised. :)

2011-03-02T10:31:00.000-06:00

here are some super sweet pictures...of my super sweet kiddos...and if you're my friend on facebook...you've already seen them...

in order

2011-02-26T14:34:00.000-06:00

i'm getting myself in order.
it's been YEARS that i've been wanting to do it. but i've finally taken the steps TO DO IT.
and that is why i haven't been on my blog or yours at all. i've had the computer OFF for almost two weeks. i check my email on my phone. and facebook a few times a day (instead a few times an HOUR). and i got stuff done. last night shaun had the computer on...and i've been taking time to get reorganized with myself on the computer now.

last weekend we cleaned out our room. it sort of became a 'storage space' for a long while. and shaun worked on it saturday, and we all did on sunday. it's nice to have a ROOM and not a place to sleep. if that makes sense. now we need to haul it all to goodwill and it'll be all good. we also have a pile on dustin's bed, which isn't really his bed yet, but it was shaun's bed in shaun's old room...which is now dustin's room...so it's dustin's bed. (catch that?!) of stuff for goodwill too. thankfully they leave it alone when they're playing in his room, so it's good.

i've also gone through all my homeschooling stuff. that felt good too. i got rid of a ton of things i 'impulse bought' and didn't 'need'. a friend of mine from church is considering homeschooling, so i gave it all to her. ((i think she was a bit surprised at the big box and brown paper bag FULL of stuff! lol)) it felt good to purge the stuff. and we found some super nice looking cabinets for CHEAP at lowe's a few weeks ago. so now my homeschooling stuff is more organized and just looks nicer in the dining room. ((in my 'dream home' i'll have a school room...but for now we school in the dining room...which i guess IS our school room...so hey! i do have a school room...we rarely eat in the dining room anyways))

next up. the girls' room. we bought bunkbeds a few weeks ago for the girls. breigh and caitlyn have been sleeping together on the bottom and amelya is on top. the crib that caitlyn was in, will stay up for miss evaleigh whenever i decide to move her out of our room. and who knows, as long as the girls don't mind sleeping together we may just have the one set of beds for awhile. but now i have to get in and purge through their clothes again. and just get their room in ORDER. it bugs me walking in their room stepping over the piles of 'next size up clothes' for amelya. and blankets. and coats. all that needs to be done is boxed up. hung up. etc etc. that is my goal for myself over the next few weeks. i'm not trying to be super woman here.

then the play room. my kids have way too many toys. it never really bugged me before. it does now. so i'm going to be downsizing. and it feels good to get rid of the stuff that they/we don't even need. simplicity. that's what i'm going for. and i've found out after going through some other things...it's so much easier and less stressful to live more simply. God for sure is changing my heart on that...i NEVER would've said that before. it used to be...oh my kids will LOVE that...put it in the cart. buy it. the did love it...for about .000002 seconds. and then it got put with the rest of the toys they 'love'. :) honestly though...the kids are always good about going through toys with me and giving them to 'kids who need them'. they all have such sweet giving hearts, and it blesses me to see it.

speaking of...waaaaaaaaaay off topic...but last night we were eating supper (a yummy fish fry from the supperclub down the road) and amelya asked dustin if she could have his bread. he said no. mine. amelya was fine with it. ((even after 'trading' him some of her fries for the bread)) then dustin sat there. looked at his bread. got up. and walked over to amelya and said "here ya-ya". and gave her his piece of bread. i totally teared up at watching it all. maybe i'm just biased...but i have the sweetest kids in the whole world. or maybe my house. but either way...it totally blessed me seeing it all play out.

i'm also having some crazy withdrawal symptoms. i've been off of my perscription meds and moving onto something natural (supplements/vitamins) over this past week. it's been insane. i've been dizzy and can barely stand sometimes. and it's sort of scary to realize how it affects your body. i know i NEEDED the medication. it truly helped me get to this place. and i wasn't in the right mind to even *think* about a more natural option a few months ago. but now i am. so i'm moving off of RX and onto the vitamins. but i do know now how someone can get addicted to drugs (of any kind). yesterday was by far my worst day yet and a few times i almost took a dose of medicine because i knew it'd make it all go away. but i stuck it out. and thankfully today is a teensy tiny bit better. i'm so thankful that it's working out.

i'm so happy. even with these crazy things going on. i'm happy. sometimes i find myself wishing i would've 'done something sooner' but then remember that this is MY story God has me on. because regardless of 'when' i'm HAPPY NOW. like truly happy. it's an unexplainable great wonderful feeling. and i know that it's one that can only come from the loving God i've clung to. i don't have to walk around with a smile plastered on my face anymore. i smile. and i MEAN it. someone asks how i'm doing and i say...good. and MEAN it. it's so truly amazing. i'm probably like one of those people who can drive others nutso because of how happy i am. but that's truly okay with me. i'd rather drive you nutso because you can't 'stand' how stinkin' happy i am than the alternative. :)

i've also purposed it in my heart to step out of my box more. this week. it was my 'food' box. i've tried foods i've snuffed off before...and i've liked them!! woo hoo. i'm trying to eat healthier. and stepping out of my food box is something that must be done for that to happen. :) i've also lost 2 more pounds. woo hoo. my goal is to be down to 145ish by spring/summer...so i'm about 20lbs away from that goal. i was at a stand still for weight loss (no gains...but no losses either) for a few weeks, so it feels good to have lost again.

hmmm. what else?! oh. evaleigh is almost 8 months old. THAT my friends is also crazy. she's sitting up and eating 'real' food all the time. and she's turning into a 'bigger baby' now. the kids love to interact with her. and she loves to smile and scrunch her nose at them. and shake her head no. she's so stinkin' cute. i must upload pictures soon to share all the cuteness in my house. i'm still nursing her. at this point with the other kids i was either 100% done nursing (due to being pregnant) or only nursing at morning and night. so we'll see what happens with her. nursing is so much fun in the morning hours, when only her and i are awake. ((she gets up around 530/600 to nurse and then goes back to bed)) i treasure that time i have with her. or during the day when i get a chance to sit down for a bit to nurse...that's nice too. so we'll see. this is the first baby i have to decide 'when' to quit because i'm not pregnant. i don't really have a goal in mind. i'm thinking within the next few months we may cut out a feeding or two during the day and go down to morning/night feedings for awhile. who knows. and really...it doesn't matter much to you does it? just something for me to ramble about.

caitlyn is not anywhere closer to potty training. ugh. she's almost 3 1/2. by far my OLDEST and NOT trained. we've tried a ton of things. none of which have worked. but i'm getting frustrated. she is smart enough to know better...but maybe too lazy to care? i don't know. but i'm hoping it gets done soon. or at least before she graduates. :0) it's not worth getting MY underwear in a bundle over it.

amelya. is almost 6. as in six YEARS old. i can't believe it. i bought her, her first chapter book this week. and she's reading it before bed. i can't believe how big she's getting.

breigh. she's been growing up so much more. she used to be my 'whiny' one. about everything. and i've really noticed her self control growing in her. it's amazing to see. she's also coming along so well in school. we've started kindergarten 'officially' now with her. which i think we may have to alter to move a bit faster through it since she knows a lot of it already since sitting in with amelya over the past year.

dustin. is a little boy. well i know you know that. but really...he's turning into such a boy. a gentleman. it's so sweet to see. he's talking like crazy. which is so fun to hear. especially at night when you tell him i love you. the "i love you momma" makes this momma's heart melt to pieces. this morning he got up way early (for him) at seven. so we cuddled in our bed together and read his tractor book. he's for sure his father's son!! plus it made me not miss shaun so much.

shaun's been working a lot this week. and today. on his 'normal' saturdays he works til noon, but because of some stuff going on at work this week...he's working probably a normal during the week day instead. so til five or later. i just keep praying for him and his job. and i love that he clings to God during the tough days at work and knows that God has him there for a reason. a guy told him that a few weeks ago at church ((and even though i tell him that ALL THE TIME)) it really spoke to shaun's heart. i just love to see God work in his life. well all our lives...but i love seeing Him give shaun his heart's desires, and in turn, it's giving me MY heart's desires. so cool.

well i've rambled and bambled and everything else for a long time. thanks for sticking with me. lol. my goals for myself (once this withdrawal stuff is over) is to start getting up before the kids do again. which will give me my devotional (QUIET) time. blog time. me time. and then i can get back on here more. and back to you all more!!

praying you all have a super great weekend. ((i'm super excited it's MARCH this week...spring is coming!! woot.))

where to go from here?

2011-02-07T14:22:00.000-06:00

wow. sorry i've taken so long to get back on. the day after my last post, my email was hacked and it took awhile to get that back...and i've just been beyond crazy busy.

but here i am.

i don't think i can just post a post like the one before this and 'forget it'. so here's my follow up.

where to go from here. where to go since finally admitting what's happened to me. to my life. to my family. to my friends.

the answer....

the wife in me...well that's an easy thing to move forward with. i'm so very thankful shaun and i have been doing our weekly 'couples' devotional for the past 2 years. ((maybe longer? i don't rememeber...whatever)) it's opened up SO many doors for us to talk about things. and even though i didn't come to him right away, we were still able to talk through things. he said to me the other day how he's noticed i'm "like i used to be". it's so funny because neither of us realized i wasn't who i was...til i'm what i used to be like again. weird. but good.

the mom in me....oh it's so nice to be the mom i need to be again. the mom i truly desire to be. to not be screaming at my kids for dumb little things. to not be sitting on my computer...basically...ignoring them. or to not just 'check out' on them. ahhh. if nothing else...i'm the most thankful for this. to be a mom again. to spend time with my kids and enjoy each and every minute. even the attempts at throwing fits on the floor of Lowe's. :) which thankfully...choices were made by the said fit thrower...to stop the fit. and we all moved on.

the housekeeper in me. well...i've never been the perfect housekeeper. but thankfully even THAT is getting better. i've been purging. a TON of stuff. school stuff i bought out of compulsion or a 'good deal' that i truly won't use. toys that my kids don't need. clothes we don't need. ((i've also joined our local gym that just opened and attribute my energy to that as well!)) so it's getting better. the house is turning into the house i've wanted it to. for years now. :)

the friend in me. i think this is the one that's the hardest to 'go on from'. i have to remember and remind myself that the past isn't changeable. things were done/not done/said/not said/written/not written but i can't change any of them. i'm so thankful for the friends that have stuck through this with me. that have forgiven me for the friend i was ((or rather wasn't being!)) and for understanding even when it isn't understandable. and for that one sweet friend for going on a fantastic trip to california with me. ((that truly helped me in more ways than one!)) and i know many more friends would've loved to join us. lol. i've been so thankful for our new church friends too. to be able to make friends un-depressed. and to be able to be open and honest and 100% straight forward from the get go.

i've learned over the past few months and years how i sometimes tend to cater to people's emotions. and in turn, it's only made me hold in some things that should've been talked about or shared. it's made me a better friend i think to not 'cater' to people's feelings. to be able to be honest and straight forward. to be willing to say...hey that shirt is sort of not pretty. because it's the friends that i want. i want you to tell me...dude quit being a jerk. or if my shirt is ugly. or if i'm stepping out of line. i think that has to be the most important part of a friendship. the honesty and open-ness. of course it has to be done all in love as well. and all of those things can...and should be spoken in love.

to be able to cry together. laugh together. sit and not talk...but say a thousand words in the silence. to be real. is what i want. it's what i need. i'm not one for confrontation...at all. but i've noticed once we've worked through the issues...my friendships have only gotten stronger. once we've said what's needed to be said and worked through those things...my friendships have only gotten stronger. and i'm so thankful for those friends that have confronted and worked through things with me. that have said what needed to be said...and got stronger with me.

where to go from there with that...well it's only forward. i am not going back to what i was. ((thank God for His mercies that are new every morning)) sure i'll stumble. sure i'll be slower some days then others. but i'm only moving forward. looking forward. it's fun to remember the past. the past holds so many more sweet memories then bad ones. though i can only hold them in my head and in my heart. and look forward to making new memories to join those.

i look forward to being that cute little old lady talking about crazy walks around islands, hu hot dates and ocean water drinks, people watching in the mall, the spice girls movie, loser trophies, staying up all night and trying to fly, my sancho in california, and explosive baby wipes. no one will understand what i'm talking about (and most of you don't now either! lol) ...but i'll be smiling away (and am smiling and crying now) at all the sweet memories i've been blessed to be given.

all i know is over the past months i've cried more tears then i've ever cried. over things that matter so much to me it's crazy. and over things that at the time seemed so important and now are so ridiculous. ((i cried because i lost shaun's sweetest day cards. like bawled. ridiculous)) and what makes me smile. is knowing that God holds each tear i cry in His hand. that He knows the desires of my heart. that He wants to give me those desires. that He knows my heart. that He sees the good and the bad and He still LOVES me. that He willingly forgives me if i'm willing to confess my sins to Him. yesterday we had communion at church and it felt so good to sit at His table and pour out my heart to Him and remember the sacrifice He was so willing to give up for me. for you. for us. a sacrifice we don't deserve one single bit.

so yeah. i guess really, it is what it is. because...well it is. and even though i don't like a lot of what happened in my life, it IS. so i'm going on from here. moving forward. remembering the good. and the bad. and growing from all of it. letting God show me the path He wants me on. being obedient to His calling. His plan. and enjoying the ride He has me on.

so to answer the question i've posed to my self...where to go from here? forward. and the question i pose to you...wanna join me? :) because i'd sure love it if you could. if you want to. let's just promise each other one thing...let's be real. open and honest with each other. i promise to tell you if what you're doing isn't okay. if you promise to tell me...dude...that is not okay!! ((you don't have to call me dude if you don't want, but i do want you to tell me)) and i promise to tell you if i'm not doing okay. just let me know if you aren't either. i also will tell you if that shirt ain't so pretty. ;) because friends, that's what friends do for each other. we support each other. we love each other. we're open and honest with each other in love. and sure it hurts sometimes to hear things we don't *want* to hear...but in the end...it's what we *needed* to hear. i can't wait to see what God has for us. i think of each one of you as a friend. i "talk" to some of you more than others. (and some of you may read this and i don't even know because we've never actually communicated) but know that as i go about my day i think of each one of you reading this and pray that somehow i've blessed you. or showed you something through this silly little blog. most important i pray that you can see God through this all.

as i read the comments and the emails some of you sent me. i cried. a good cry. a cry to know that somehow my disgusting story was doing some good...and in the end...realized my story wasn't so disgusting at all. it was MY story. and it was one worth sharing. so i thank you for taking the time to share your hearts with me. because i love to share mine with you...

and i promise to not go so long between posts this time!! :)

the secret behind this mom

2011-01-21T14:07:00.001-06:00

i'll be honest. as i usually am on here. i've thought LONG and hard about writing this post for awhile now. i've written it a thousand and three and a half times in my head. i've thought about what to title it. how to start it. and nothing 'perfect' has come to me. so it's going to be a 'throw it out there and go with it' sort of post. and also i'll throw in this disclaimer...it's probably going to be a long one.

get with it already right? okay...here goes...

for the past two months i've been taking a medicine each night with supper. the medicine is helping me to combat my post partum depression.

there. i've said it. i have/had/am dealing with post partum depression.

it's my little secret i've been 'hiding'. it's my little secret that for months...ruined a lot of my life. brutal honesty remember? it's my little secret that i'm hoping by me sharing will help someone else. it's my little secret that really isn't so little at all...it's huge.

now where to start? what to share? that's the rambling part in me.

i knew something was different at WINGS one day when i was talking to my friend,erin, and saying how i was dealing with baby blues. she said, still? how old is evaleigh. i looked at evaleigh and said 2 1/2 months. she looked at me with concern for her new friend and said, you shouldn't be having baby blues anymore.

honestly, i shrugged it off. and didn't want to admit to her, or myself, or ANYONE that it could be something MORE then just the blues. two weeks later my sweet new friend asked how i was feeling. i said alright. she said any better? i said. hmmm. depends on the day. and that was pretty much that. but i didn't shrug it off as much. mainly because she took the time to care again. and ask how i was doing. so i googled 'baby blues' and realized...those 'blue' feelings *should* go away within a few weeks...WEEKS?! really? it had been MONTHS and i was still feeling blue-ish. ack. i thought. i can handle it.

and 'handle' it i did. ha. about a month later it was just me and one other mom,donna, at our kindergarten play group. and somehow i came unravled and spilled to her just how yucky i had been feeling. she looked at me and said...you need to call your doctor. what? i thought. no i don't. and then i admitted to her, i didn't 'want' to because my doctor always said how 'great' she thought i was at handling my kids. i didn't want to let my doctor down. she smiled at me. and said sister, that's pride talkin'. eeek. it was pride talkin'. so after kindergarten play group, i took the plunge. i made the call.

it wasn't an easy call to make. but i did. it's so weird to say it outloud "i think i have post partum depression". i made the appointment for the next week. it was so surreal, but at the same time, felt so good. i instantly felt like something was going to change.

i'll be honest. i didn't tell shaun i was going. he was good for the first few weeks asking me how i felt, but then of course i was just a jumble of new mom emotions and didn't even KNOW how i felt. and again PRIDE taking over me. and i didn't know how to do it. how do you just say 'dude, i feel like crap'. it's not a conversation we could have over supper. so i didn't tell him. my sweet friend melissa, watched my kiddos for me. ((you see it was much easier to tell her then my own husband, i don't know!)) my doctor, i've said it before, is great. she treated me like a person. and talked to me about things.

it was SO nice to just talk to her. to admit to her how yucky i truly had been. to let out some tears. and admittedly, some laughs. it honestly felt like i was talking to a long time friend. not just my doctor. for THAT i'm grateful. we talked over options. we talked about exercise. meds. nothing. i knew i didn't want to do nothing. i KNEW i was not myself. so my RX was to exercise twice a week if i could. and i took a perscription for meds. the best part about it, she told me, i can give you this and if you don't want to take it, don't. i liked that it wasn't ohhh you're 'depressed' here...take some meds. bye. she sat with me for over a half hour. talking and making me feel like i mattered.

so i took the perscription. and have been taking my meds. and as they have helped me to feel more like myself again...i realized just how much i wasn't myself for MONTHS. maybe longer.

i truly think that i was battling and never fully got over my depression from the two miscarriage in 2009. (one in may and one in august for anyone who doesn't know that story) i've fully admitted here that i was in a DAAAAARRRRK place. i fully admitted that had it not been for my precious son in the car with me, i would've driven head on into a semi's path. but then i thought i got over all that. things were looking good. God blessed us with another healthy pregnancy. a pretty uneventful pregnancy. and a crazy labor and birth, but in the end a beautiful daughter. it was all good.

til a week after i had evaleigh. i remember finding out that a friend of mine had gone to the hospital to have her baby boy...only to find out when they got there...there was not a heart beat. she had to give birth to her precious son...stillborn. i bawled. i more then bawled. i broke down more then one time about it. how unfair to have someone deal with that. how unfair that i had a healthy baby and she didn't. how unfair that she got to hold her baby and 'say' goodbye to him and i never got that chance with mine. it just broke my heart knowing the emotions she probably was feeling. and yet...i found myself jealous of her. that she at least got to see her baby. here i had my precious baby girl...and i was missing my other babies. was i crazy?! i got mad at myself for being so selfish. i got irritated at myself because i wasn't happy with what i had been given.

i worked through those feelings. yet i didn't. i know that doesn't make much sense. but i was dealing and grieving the loses of my babies all over again. it took me awhile. but i fully grieved them. do i miss them yet. oh of course. but i have 'accepted' their deaths with a much different heart. i can't explain it. and it's interesting because i really can't even explain how i was feeling.

i pulled away a ton from my blog during the past few months. mainly because i didn't want to accidentally 'spill my secret'. i didn't want to read many blogs either. i didn't want to find out anything bad. i didn't want to know anything more bad. i already felt bad enough...i didn't want to feel bad about anything more. and unless you've been in a place like that, you may not even understand that. and i don't have the words to explain it. because i don't even know why i did some of the things i did.

not only did i pull away from most of my blog friends, i pulled away from my in person friends too. one that was dealing with a 'bad thing' especially. looking back now, i know it wasn't a very good 'friend' thing to do at all. but i can't change what i did. and i wasn't myself. i hate what happened, and i've pretty much all but ruined the friendship because of it. BUT i can't change things that happened. i can only move forward. and that has been my goal. to move forward. to let things happen and not to feel bad about what did happen anymore. i can't pull myself down. i can only keep gaining the strength to stand tall.

on top of my friendships being pretty minimal...my marriage was too. i pulled away from shaun. talked when i needed to, but other then that just left it be. thankfully we didn't fight much. but we didn't grow much either.

my kids. wow. if kids could fire their moms. i would've been tossed out to the wolves. i yelled more then i should've. i was a parent. not a mom. i did what i needed. and all but ignored being fun and exciting. i hate it admitting that. but it's the disgusting truth behind my depression.

my house. ha. thankfully i don't have many people over to my house. because i would've needed days to get it cleaned up for their arrival. laundry was piled (higher then normal). dishes were not done by me, thankfully i have a very helpful husband. papers, magazines, etc. littered the table. the cupboards the floors. basically i didn't do much of anything. i lived. and that was that. ((my house is never usually spic and span, but this was truly my worst of my worst of my absolute worst in housekeeping skills))

we also had a lot going on within our marriage and family with our church. and because i don't think it needs to be shared, in the end, after MUCH prayer we left our church. but it also had me dealing with a lot of emotions that come along with doing something like that. and even more so the things that were or were not said and done because of our obedience to the calling God placed on us. for that reason is the only reason we left the church we were attending.

and then God. i wasn't mad at God. i wasn't thinking to pull away from God. if nothing else on most days it was Him that i clung to. that i begged to change me. in the same sense i never wanted to admit my depression. because as a Christian i think there is this stigma that goes along with it, that you 'always' have to be happy. that you can NOT feel depressed. i had pretty much heard that preached a few times. and if nothing else it made me feel worse. i can feel depressed. i was feeling depressed. but i *shouldn't* be. i should pray and it will be all better.

except it's not. it wasn't. things didn't get better with only prayer. and i fully believe that sometimes it can and does work that way. but for me it didn't. it wasn't that i didn't think God could do it. it wasn't that He didn't want to do it. it wasn't because i didn't have 'strong enough faith', it was because God had a different plan for me. He wanted me to admit outloud. to work through things that needed working through. to be able to have more of a story to share.

and sharing i am. as a Christian i was depressed. because you are a Christian it doesn't make your life all roses and chocolate. life is still life. i just have God to cling to through those weeds and garbage. it doesn't make it any 'easier' as a Christian, but it gave me something to hope for. you can feel 'bad' as a Christian. you can be depressed as a Christian. and guess what?! the bestest part...is that it is 100% completely FINE! you won't go to hell feeling that way. you won't get disowned by God feeling that way. because He STILL loves you. He still holds you. He gets you through it with His ever loving grace.

i remember sitting in the car the day after thanksgiving with my mom and sister nursing evaleigh. we were talking and all of a sudden i realized that i was sharing too much. and said. fine okay. the other week i went to my doctor and i'm taking medicine. guess what? they didn't stare at me like i had five heads. they didn't bash me for being 'real' and doing something about my depression. they cared about me. and even though they didn't say much, it said more to me then anything else words could've said. ((my sister did say one thing, she said she *thought* something was wrong, and that she felt bad she didn't ask/say anything. so my advice to anyone...even if you only *think* it...it doesn't hurt to ask or say anything)) it felt good to tell them. and really up until now, only a few close friends know 'the truth'.

and of course shaun. this is a sort of humorous story...the day i went to the dr. the kids told shaun how they played at melissa's house. then i said...i went to the doctor. ((enter in shaun pale faced. stuttering...in shock...)) he asked why? i looked at him and said because i was sick of feeling like crap. ((a brief moment of relief passed over his face)) oh. he said...with a ton of concern...but then he said...i thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant! i busted up laughing. i pretty much gave the guy a heart attack. here we had an almost 4 month old...and he thought i was pregnant already. afterwards it opened up the door for us to talk. for me to apologize for not telling him sooner. but it was a nice talk. i'm more open with him about things.

and the meds are working. i care again. i'm myself again. i'm a mom again. i'm a friend again. i'm the person i need to be again. i'm the blogger i want to be again. and gosh darn...it feels so good.

i'm sharing this to not get sympathy. but to share it with you to not feel ashamed. to know it's okay to feel yucky. but when that yucky feeling lasts too long...to do something about it. my only regret is that i took so long to do something. but yet i know that it was God's work in my heart through things to 'wait'.

this is a journey that i never intended on taking. but one i'm so very thankful for. i pray that you can be spoken to by this. and pray that if you need someone to talk to you...that you know i'd love to talk to you.
thanks for being here. i love you guys more then you'll ever know. and only in a way you know. all those non-bloggers have no idea how people who have never met, and most likely never will, can feel so much love for each other.

thanks for reading.

california:the details

2011-01-19T11:08:00.000-06:00

so before it gets any later in life...i thought i'd post the california details!! here is a picture of the three of us. ((don't mind my blechy hair it was the day we travelled and i totally didn't do anything to it that day)) it's veronica. me. and stephanie. veronica is the blessed one to live in california. and stephanie is the one who blessed me as a great travel buddy!

that was us at chinese theater in hollywood. we drove aroundn LA awhile looking for hollywood/walk of fame...and finally found it. only after going the 'wrong way' and stumbled across...

beverly hills. it was cool to see the sign that's in all the movies and such. we drove down rodeo drive and saw some fancy schmancy stores and people. and then got some gas and found hollywood. turns out we should've turned right when we thought it looked 'better' to turn left. lol.

hollywood walk of fame was fun to see. and i was surprised at how less crazy it was then NYC. i was excpecting it to be super crazy. but it wasn't. there were people. but not as many as i thought. it was fun to walk around and see the stars in the sidewalk. and just take in the sights. of course i also found some little goodies for the kiddos. who i missed like crazy. i cried wednesday when leaving them. breigh had a hard time leaving me too. but i cried. she cried. thankfully shaun held it in until he drove away to cry. :) i would've really broke down seeing him cry too. i'm a big baby like that. or uber sensitive i guess. either way i missed them all. and was thankful for cell phones because they could call me whenever they wanted.

i was also glad to have one of the five with me. evaleigh made it easier to leave the others, knowing i'd have at least one of them with me. miss evaleigh also had the great pleasure of turning six months old while in california. here she is...

i can't believe how big she is!!

we also were blessed to go to two different beaches our first full day. i loved this picture.

just the peace and beauty of it. ahhh. i remember walking along the beach with my two sweet friends amazed at the beauty and the love of our savior. God created each and every single beautiful thing we saw. and He knows exactly how many grains of sand were on the beaches. the EXACT number. that amazes me.

i could literally walk/sit on the beach all day. something about the sounds of the waves. mixed with the sun. it was so amazing. truly amazing.

the first night we stayed up til wayyy late. we stayed up til 2 cali time. which was really 4 our time. and we had both gotten up around 430 our time that day. so we were up for 24 hours. but it was SO fun talking with stephanie and veronica. and laughing. and crying. and just pouring out our hearts with each other. the next night we were a bit 'better' and didn't stay up as late. but we did do devotionals together. it was so much fun to sit and fellowship and do the devotions together. i saw so much of my friends' hearts by doing that, and i know it was God blessing it all. words can NOT express the blessing those two ladies were to me on that trip.

on our second and last full day we took a trip to solvang. (i took zero pictures here. grr) and then to santa barbara. i loved this picture of the palm trees. that was another part of the trip i loved. seeing palm trees!!

it was such a blessing. and the trip went way way way way way times a million way too fast. but in the same sense i was missing my family at home terribly so i was also excited to see them again. ((but not excited to leave the sun and no snow))

in solvang we found a cute little sock shop. yes socks. i have never seen so many socks in my life. but we found some super cute socks for us to buy...

the premise of this trip was that we could enjoy cupcakes at veronica's house. so we called it cupcakes in cali. and then found these super sweet cupcake socks. so now everytime i wear them (as i am now) i can remember my equally as super sweet friends and trip.

i was sad to leave california. but it wasn't good bye...but see you again. we're praying about driving out there as a family to visit veronica and her family again. veronica and her super hilarious husband and three sweet little girls were the most gracious hosts. and made us feel right at home. i couldn't have asked for a much better trip.

i can't wait to go back. i've told shaun we'd move there in a heartbeat if God ever opened up a door to do so. it is beautiful. the vineyards. fields of strawberries. the ocean. the ranches. everything. was just breathtakingly beautiful.

i know this post was a 'cliff notes' version of my trip. but truly words can't even express everything God blessed me with on this trip, so it's hard for me to even put it into words. i have an entire album of pictures on my facebook if you'd like to see the rest here.

and before i go...i want to wish my hubby, who was so wonderful to bless me with the vacation...a super happy birthday!! he's 30 today! :)

wordless wednesday

2011-01-12T10:04:00.000-06:00

california was in one word...beautiful.

more to blog about of course. but not today. it's crazy busy wednesday today.

so i figured a nice teaser picture would work just fine.

hope you're all doing well!!

a year in review.

2010-12-31T09:37:00.000-06:00

wow. the last day of 2010. i think it's always fun to look back on the year and see what God has done for us through it all. and it's usually a LOT. it's also fun to look back and remember the year too. :) so here's my 'review'...

January. brought an ultrasound of our newest little baby. it's always fun to see the miracle growing inside. and after the year before, we were excited to be having a baby. shaun entered the last year of his 20's. he doesn't think it's a big deal at all. til this year...when it's the first year of his 30's. lol. ((i remember thinking how 30 seemed 'old' when i was younger. i don't think it seems old now. but it seems 'weird' that we can be that old. if that makes sense at all?))

February. we took the older two girls to princesses on ice. it was fun to see for me too. and shaun and i went to a marriage retreat. it was good, but not all that we had expected. but i did learn that boys CAN actually think about NOTHING. it still flabergasts me. :)

March. we're having a baby GIRL!! it was fun to find out, and we had a fun way to tell everyone. by giving them four cards of the same and one king. ((a four of a kind (girls) with a king high (boy))) it was so much fun watching them 'get it'. it was also fun to post the post on here and see if you got it too. lol. my amelya turned FIVE. i couldn't believe she was five already. ((and now she's almost SIX!?))

April. hmmm. not too much in april ((basically i'm looking at my calendar and seeing what i have on it. lol)) but it was my birthday. i turned 27. and had a fun week of giveaways on my blog to celebrate. my mom and dad went to jamacia too.

May. the girls had their dance recitial. i remember being worried caitlyn wouldn't do it. but she did. and she did it perfectly! i love watching all their hard work pay off on the 'big stage'. shaun and i celebrated 11 years of being together. and i started having doctor appts every two weeks. getting closer. and we joined the local homeschooling group. and attended some fun play groups.

June. my breigh turned FOUR. crazy. i marched with the girls in our local parade. the did baton twirlling and i waddled through pushing caitlyn in the stroller as she twirlled from there. my feet were so swollen after i took off my shoes and barely got them back on.

July. i took pictures with my cousin, for my other cousin's wedding. five days before i was to be induced with miss baby e. skipped out on marching in another parade because it was just too hot. and i didn't want to go into labor, because my dr wasn't on call. then of course the birth of miss evaleigh. the hardest out of all my labors. but of course, worth every single minute. she was born at the second highest weight of all the kiddos. and now we're a family of seven. the transistion starts off well... and continues that way.

August. took pictures with my cousin for another wedding. while carrying evaleigh in my moby wrap. and we spent a fun weekend at a hotel. transistion continues to go well with five kiddos. and i brave shopping with them all. and i survive. :) had my six week check up.

September. Caitlyn turns THREE!! and evaleigh is already 2 months old. we start dance. and WINGS, the local homeschool co-op. now's the real test as to how 'easy' or 'hard' it is out and about with five kiddos. and...it's not as hard as i thought. awana also starts. this year breigh and amelya are in it. i also get back at my wildtree business after taking time off after having evaleigh.

October. shaun and i have a fun date night at a cool hotel. celebrated shaun's grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary. after much, much prayer we decided to leave our church and join a new one. dustin turned TWO! and he's more of a little 'boy' now, instead of a 'baby'. shaun and i enjoyed a concert together for our anniversary gift. celebrated my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary. and my niece aryssa turned ONE.

November. miss evaleigh is 4 months old already. i got the flu. shaun and i celebrated seven years of marriage. celebrated thanksgiving with family. did the whole 'black friday' shopping thing. which is always fun with my mom and sister.

December. it's wisconsin. so now it's snowy here. blech. counting down to my trip to california in ONE MONTH! enjoying our new church and the friendships God has blessed us with. have a play date with beth and her kiddos. go to a fun cookie exchange, with cookies i bought from walmart. lol. prepare for Christmas. and celebrate the birth of our Savior with family and friends. and stand in awe at what He's done for us, and what He will do for us.

i think it's a very brief overview. but a good one. i look back and realize just how fast time goes. it's insane. evaleigh will be six months old next week, and turn six months old in the sunshine of the California sun. i'm trying to get the house in order before i leave. and of course try to find the time to pack and such. shaun's also looking forward to time off of work. he's been working a lot again. and it drains him. of course it'd drain anyone having to be to work at 430 in the morning and not get home til 6. he's taking off next wednesday so we can spend the day together before i leave. and then he's on his own from wednesday night til sunday night. he'll be fine. he's a better housekeeper than i am most times. so i'm not worried about the house at all. i did throw in a chiro appt for the kiddos on friday though. just to keep it interesting. plus i hate skipping a week with them because it's so helpful for them.

i hope you look back on this year and take the time to treasure the memories. and realize how time is a vapor. and our time here on this earth is short in light of eternity. and look on to next year with the hope of Christ in your heart and life. i know i'm thankful for His love and would have not made it through this past year without it.

happy new year!!

((i'm hoping to get on at least one more time before my california trip next week, if not...it'll be a bit before i'm back...and i'll share the wonderful trip with you all!))

time flies.

2010-12-21T14:35:00.000-06:00

so it's been a crazy few weeks here. and i've had hardly any time for computer time. just random stops at facebook and that's about all! insane.

this past weekend we had Christmas at our house with my family, so i was busy preparing for that all last week. and our washing machine was *finally* fixed!! so i had over 3 weeks worth of laundry to do. it took three full days of laundry but i got it done! and all caught up. i also am happy to be using cloth diapers again. i had SO many blowouts using the disposables with evaleigh. i didn't have ONE with cloth before that. so i wrecked a whole bunch of outfits. and even had to bring her home pantless one day because i wasn't used to an extra outfit. lol. ((i did not forget one after that day!))

last week i also took some time to visit my grandpa. he hadn't met evaleigh yet, and it's noone's fault but my own. and i needed to introduce the two. i'm pretty sure the smile didn't leave his face the entire time we were there. he just sat and watched the kiddos. and when he held evaleigh he just smiled at her. it blessed me to know that he was so blessed. here is a picture of me and my grandpa with all the kiddos.

sometimes i really struggle with the fact my grandma, his wife, never got to meet our kids. amelya is named after her. my grandma's middle name was amelia. part of me hopes there is a hole in the floor of heaven that she can see us through. and i know she would be smiling as big as my grandpa does. ack. now i get myself all emotional. :) the Christmas holiday is always hard without her. but i just remember the good things about her and the fun memories i've been blessed to have.

i haven't blogged much lately. and i don't think i shared my 'goal' of weightloss either. well my goal is to lose 25lbs ish by spring/summer. basically bringing me down to about 140-145. what i was before i had kids. i started out at 175ish after having evaleigh. i'm SO stoked to say i'm down to 165ish. (give or take a lb depending on when i weigh myself. lol) it's such a huge blessing for me. i've been trying to do my zumba workout dvd on the wii. and i've quit buying soda. but will have soda out to eat. ((or when i crave the $1 coke from mcd's))

i'll say that i haven't noticed a 'change' when i look in the mirror, but do notice some pants are loosening up. woo hoo. but yesterday i went to my favorite local boutique, bellybeans. and she noticed. it made my heart smile. and to know that i'm actually accomplishing something i set my heat on. that doesn't always happen. i'm just praying for the willpower to quit after a FEW peanutbutter balls instead of a LOT. :) my goal now is to maintain the weightloss through the holidays and then get back at it after...and after my california trip.

which is TWO WEEKS AWAY!! i'm super stoked to meet veronica! and have a fantastic trip with stephanie. stephanie and her little ones came over today to plan out some trip stuff and it makes it all real. i showed her what i got at bellybeans yesterday too. i was NOT planning on getting it. but it called my name. and i justified it by saying it will be my carry on bag/diaper bag for our flight...so i'll introduce you to my new 'bag'..

isn't it pretty? it's actually HUGE!! the sides have buttons on it to make it bigger. so it will be perfect. even more perfect...i got it for 20% off! :) i LOVE the owner of bellybeans. she's super fantastic and makes me want to shop there all the time. good for her. bad for my checkbook. but really...great customer service is what keeps me going back to places. and bellybeans has great customer service. and puts up with my kiddos rearranging her shelves of socks. :)

so yeah. busy. that's all that describes it here lately. i've just been trying to live in the moment, and not stress about stuff that really doesn't matter. and thankfully God's been keeping that going for me. i don't know. i just really have been taking a big 'chill pill' about stuff i normally cared too much about. most of the stuff doesn't even really truly matter. and it's such a 'release' to not have to 'care' about it anymore. so i encourage you. to take a chill pill. realize that if you don't get out Christmas cards this year...it really is okay...even if you *really* wanted to. :) realize that spending time with the kiddos who'd be in the pictures on that card aren't little forever and spending time with them...is well...a lot more important. ((can you tell what was bugging me. lol))

anyways. i've rambled a bit. but i wanted to get on and blog because i miss you guys. i just love this little blogging community. :) i may be an AWFUL commenter...but i am a good reader and have been peeking in on you. :)

if i don't get on before...have yourself a Merry little Christmas!!

pretty much wordless wednesday...

2010-12-08T13:27:00.000-06:00

we put up our Christmas tree last night. the three big girls decorated it. with loads of love and excitement. and the top 1/4 doesn't have a single ornament on it. and i love it. i've learned as a mom to enjoy the moment and not care so much about those small little things that truly DO NOT matter. the ornaments loading the bottom of the tree make it all the more special to me and our family.

overload!

2010-12-02T11:07:00.000-06:00

of pictures. :)

i finally took some time to load pictures to facebook the other day. and realized how i don't post a ton of pictures here. so today that's what i'm going to do! i love it when you all post pictures...so i figured i'd return the love. :)

we went to a local apple orchard this fall. and got the great chance at a family picture. i can't believe we're a family of seven. it's a blessing NO DOUBT!!

i loved this one of shaun and dustin from there too. they look so much alike it's insane. :)

as 'girly' as miss amelya is she LOVES to play sports. she perfected 'baseball' this summer and fall.

the look on her face makes me laugh everytime. lol. <---see. :)

we had a beautiful fall day(s) to play in some leaves. i love this picture of them. ((evaleigh was safe and warm in my ella belly carrier on my chest))

i loved the day we walked out to the woods. i don't know why we don't do it more. ((because the 1/2ish mile walk is a good walk!)) they all loved the leaves.

the girls in the woods. (not to be confused with the hoods. okay i got a lack of sleep last night. i stayed up late watching alias. we have been working through the series through netflix. we're on season four.)

dustin at his birthday party. i can't believe he's TWO!!

miss evaleigh at four months. she'll be five months old next week. INSANE. time is truly a vapor.

i have a whole lot more added to my facebook album if you want to check them out. click here.

shaun has been going back and forth all week with a fever. amelya has been diagnosed with pneumonia, and is fever free for the first time in over a week. and thankfully everyone else is *healthy*. we're going to the chiro today to hopefully keep it that way!! so hopefully next week is back to 'normal' and i can get back to my regular scheduled blog reading time!!

ABC's of Thanks.

2010-11-24T17:22:00.000-06:00

i'm linking up and doing my 'abc's of thanks'. since i have a love for the alphabet...well i guess for sure the letters a-e...i thought it'd be a fun thanksgiving post. :)

A- amazing grace. thankful for the amazing grace that i get from not only God but by the people who love me.
B- babies. all of mine. i love them to bits.
C- California. i'm so excited to be going there for the first time ever in january to meet a sweet blogging friend.
D- days off for shaun. he works so hard, and i'm so thankful when he gets a day off.
E- energy. i'm thankful for the energy i have most days to be the mom i need to be.
F- food. nuff said. :)
G- God's word. where would i be without that!?
H- homeschooling. oh i'm so thankful to have the opportunity to homeschool my babies.
I- instant oatmeal. my kids love it. i don't at all. but they do. and it makes breakfast SO easy.
J- jokes. i love things that make me laugh.
K- kindness. so thankful for kind people. and kind friends. just kind things in general. :)
L- love. the love of my husband. my kids. my Savior.
M- mommy necklaces. seriously i'm loving the ones i got from baby half off. i'm tempted to buy a ton more.
N- night's out. with my wildtree i love getting out of the house a few nights a month to hang out with other adults.
O- out to eat. i'm thankful that we're able to go out to eat once in awhile. or more. i love to eat out. :)
P- pedicures. especially with friends. makes them more fun.
Q- quiet time.
R- rest. goes quite well with quiet time. :)
S- sleeping kiddos. i'm so thankful my kiddos sleep so well. and i can get the energy i need to take care of them.
T- turkey. seriously i hardly eat turkey aside from thanksgiving and/or Christmas. and my mom makes the.best.ever. turkey.
U- understanding. i'm thankful for the people in my life who *try* to understand me. (i know it's highly difficult)
V- van. my mini van is super nice. okay not really super nice. but it's pretty decent. and i'm thankful for a decent vehicle to drive.
W- washer repair men to fix our washing machine. which won't be for about a week and a half ish. so it's disposable diapers for awhile. ((can i just say blech to that? only because i've had my first blowouts in a LONG time in disposables, and i've never had one in cloth. i hate staining evaleigh's cute outfits))
X- xtended warranties. SO glad that the repair of the washing machine is COVERED and FREE due to the extended warranty we bought. which is a God thing, because we *never* buy them!
Y- you. and you. and you. and you. seriously. all of you. i just love my blogging friends!!
Z- zany. i'm thankful for the zany things in my life. that makes it perfectly fun and zany.

*whew* that was fun. join in with the fun too and...

be sure to have a very happy thanksgiving. :)

to my husband.

2010-11-22T09:57:00.000-06:00

on our anniversary...

i love you. plain and simple. really...no other words are needed.

no other words can describe it.

seven years ago as i prepared to become your wife i was nervous and excited. and giddy. it was *finally* happening. i was getting married. better yet, i was marrying my best friend.

as i walked down the aisle and saw you standing there crying, my heart swelled with love for the man i was about to marry. the man who wasn't afraid to cry. to show emotion. in fact you crying helped me to not cry. so thanks. :)

the past seven years have been filled with so many things. the vows we took have stood strong in them too. for better and worse. sickness and health. etc. but i've learned we can't have the better without the worse. the health without the sickness. it all balances out. and as we've clung to each other in those bad things, it's only drawn us closer to God at the center of this marriage.

what God has done in our marriage makes me stand in awe. the things i've learned in the past seven years are amazing. and i know He has so much more to teach and show and share with us. i love praying with you. i love seeing you trust in God to lead and guide our family. i love watching you grow in Him. i love watching you talk to our children about Him. i love the man that God has made you to be.

i love the woman that God has made me to be with you. i love who i am with you. i love that i can be me, and you *still* choose to love me. that you put up with my stubborn-ness. my strong willed attitude. my rummage sale habits. my bad morning breath and you'll still kiss me good bye.

seven years ago i would've never pictured us the way we are now. yet today i couldn't picture us any other way.

i love you. today. tomorrow. forever. and a day after that.

love.

your bunny.

kites

2010-11-18T16:38:00.000-06:00

this week i was blessed by a 'veteran' homeschool mom who came to talk at a mom's group i go to. it was a great night of fun and fellowship. and she shared a sweet poem by erma bombeck.

""I see children as kites. You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you're both breathless...they crash...you add a longer tail...they hit the rooftop...you pluck them out of the spout...you patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they'll fly.

Finally they are airborne, but they need more string and you keep letting it out and with each twist of the ball of twine, there is a sadness that goes with the joy because the kite becomes more distant and somehow you know that it won't be long before that beautiful creature will snap the lifeline that bound you together and soar as it was meant to soar...free and alone.

Only then do you know that you did your job.""

isn't that the truth? we work so hard to guide and fly our little children...only to one day 'let them go' and be 'free' in this crazy world. the one and only thing i hope to do for them is that they trust and rely and follow God. because i'm doing my best to guide and fly my children in the ways of God. to show them that for me it has been the only thing keeping me flying safely.

and even yet sometimes when i feel like i've failed them...i realize i haven't at all. that the string is still securely in my hands. i've just lost my own focus on Christ. and when i re-focus...it makes focusing on my job that much easier.

being a parent is a hard job. one of the most rewarding. but one of the hardest. we're faced with a bajillion choices. and then we have others telling us what THEY think WE should choose. i've realized one thing in being a parent...it's really no different then high school. you're going to be 'judged' for everything you decide to do. you're never 'cool' enough. and people will talk about you regardless.

so i've learned. i'm going to be the parent God has called me to be. and essentially...that's all that matters. as long as the life i'm living is pleasing God. no one else's opinions matter. it's all about living confidently in the calling He has placed on my beautiful life. and oh how beautiful it is.

five beautiful kites flying in my hands...and three more flying free in heaven. and i couldn't be more happier with the kites i've been given

~{title}~

2010-11-11T09:19:00.001-06:00

i'm not too creative today. i'm not feeling well at all. since late tuesday night i've been achy and coughy. and just plain sick. :) so i just ask for prayers that first off my kids don't get it. i feel absolutely awful and would hate to have to see them feel this way. and of course prayers that i feel better soon.

thankfully shaun was able to stay home with me and the kiddos yesterday. it was so nice to be able to lay around all day long and not have to do much of anything besides nurse evaleigh. which i must say even that was sort of 'painful' yesterday. it took a ton of energy, but i figured pumping would be more work, so i just fed her.

and it was so beatiful out here in wisconsin yesterday, shaun took full advantage of my 'sick day' and installed our new doors. we bought doors a few weeks ago because our other ones were starting to let snow IN not keep it out. and we figured we might as well. God totally worked it out too, because we needed to special order the doors and special order doors *just happened* to be 15% off when we bought them. so the kiddos played outside most of the morning and shaun installed our beautiful new doors. so that's one more thing off of our 'checklist' on the house. our bathroom really needs to be done. but that's a huge expense for that. it needs to be completely redone, and shaun wants to do it all at one time, not pieces here and there. so it's on our list for awhile yet i'm sure. we'll probably need a new barstool (perhaps even one from CSN stores? which i get to do a review for soon!) or three or six in the kitchen too. although they're not really 'barstools' but i don't know what else to call them. the screws fell out of the one, so only an adult can sit on that one. :) but those things can be crazy expensive, especially when you're buying more than one of them. and right now they're still useable. so that's what we do.

shaun took amelya to dance class too. so it was nice that he could see her dance. he generally doesn't get the opportunity to come to dance class. he took the girls to awana and then had to go out in our fields to plow. so my mom was super great and picked the girls up at awana and dropped them off. i'm SO thankful to have great family members willing to help out. i don't know what i'd do without their help sometimes! shaun was out in the fields til 1 this morning. and then up for work at 5. so i'm sure he's tired today. BUT he gets off this weekend!! yay!! i'm super excited for that. it's always nice to have him home for an entire two days straight. :)

anyways. that's what is up with me. i'm hoping to feel better soon. thanks for the prayers! i appreciate them. and know that i pray for my bloggy buddies too!

introducing...

2010-11-02T13:32:00.000-05:00

the thing that made my husband smile like that...

an 'oliver super77'

not familiar with what an 'oliver' is...well it's a...

tractor. :)

THAT was my surprise. i have to say though i giggled at the comments after my last post that mentioned they thought i was pregnant. nope. i'm not pregnant. and the blessing was a tractor.

to some it may be 'just a tractor'. in fact that's *sort of* how i have thought of it.,

but this tractor is special to my husband. it belonged to his grandpa. and his dad. for those of you who don't know, shaun's dad died when he was in eighth grade of thyroid cancer. after his dad died our neighbor bought the oliver from my mother in law. basically he didn't 'need' the tractor, but knew that she could use the money. it was bought with the understanding that when/if shaun wanted the tractor back...he could buy it back for the price it was sold for.

shaun and i will be married seven years this month. a few times over the past seven years shaun has talked about the oliver. and talked about 'some day' getting it back. a few months ago shaun seriously talked about buying it. i said we'll see, and let's pray about it. and then the next day it hit me. WHAT a blessing it would be to buy the tractor for him for Christmas. so i facebooked his mom and sisters suggesting the idea. and if they wanted to help me bless him. they were all in. woo hoo. we just had to find out the cost, etc...and it'd be a great Christmas gift.

except. my dear husband decided he REALLY REALLY wanted the tractor. he took me out to the shed a number of times for me to look at it. ((our neighbor collects old tractors and stores them in our shed)) in fact the one time he made me sit on the tractor. looked at me and said, you really want it now don't you. i said no.

i was trying to be 'negative' but without being suspicious. i tried my best to say it would cost too much. we couldn't afford it. etc etc etc. then. our neighbor called shaun about something and shaun brought up the tractor?! our neighbor said he'd have to talk to his wife to see about the price and he'd call shaun back. two weeks later he hadn't called shaun back. and shaun was getting impatient. and i was doing my best to just not tell him...i'm buying it you goofball!!

then our neighbor took the tractor out of our shed. ((he wanted to check it over before giving it to us)) well that caused more 'curiousity' with shaun. i told shaun well maybe he knows you're interested in it and wants to give it a check before he talks to you. thankfully that tided shaun over.

i'm serious. he was awful about it. he even tried the guilt trip on me!! like come on i buy you whatever you want. this is the only thing i've ever really wanted and you won't let me have it. ((he's serious though, he does give me whatever i want. and truly is a great husband...all the reason i wanted to do this for him! he also is a great son and brother. he does a lot of stuff for his mom and sisters and they were excited to bless him too)) it was so so hard to not just tell him!

God was so cool through it too. shaun looked up the tractor once online to get a price, and it was crazy high priced. so he then figured maybe it was going to cost a lot. ((thankfully it wasn't as high as the ones online!)) so it detered him for awhile over the past few months. heck i tried talking him into buying a four wheeler instead of the tractor just to get him off the tractor. lol.

because of shaun's insistence and me not thinking i could make it til december...we decided to give him the tractor this past weekend at dustin's birthday party.

i was so excited all week and all morning saturday. i couldn't wait. we had to run to town before the party, and on our way home he saw the tractor sitting outside in our neighbors yard. ((i think he looked for it everytime we drove by our neighbors, trying to figure out why he took it out of the shed)) i tried to hide my smile the best i could. and new it was literally minutes away from driving into our yard...and being his.

shaun's mom and sisters arrived. i met them outside and they said it would be coming soon. AHHH! i couldn't wait. the anticipation was rising. shaun's sister had him help her unload her truck of tools she was bringing back. so he was outside. we all went outside too. ((God worked it out by having it be a nice day outside)) then it was coming up the road. our neighbor drove it up the driveway, and shaun didn't think anything too much of that. (our neighbor is in our yard often with his tractors) this time though...it was different. he was in our yard with SHAUN'S tractor. our neighbor backed it right on to the lawn where we were watching. he hopped off...and shook shaun's hand and said "happy birthday shaun". shaun just looked at him. said thank you. and we said happy birthday and merry Christmas. (shaun's bday is in january...so this is a double gift. lol)

i'm not sure shaun knew what to say. although he didn't have to say much. i could see it in his eyes. the blessing blessed him more than i could ever have dreamed and hoped for. he didn't talk much. part of me thought it was because he didn't want to 'break down'. but shaun also doesn't talk much to begin with. :)

we made him check it out and get on it. i don't think the smile left his face. or dustin's. dustin loved sitting on there with his daddy. i'm praying one day we'll be able to bless dustin with the tractor too, so it can go down four generations of popp men. when we were walking in the house...shaun smiled at me. and i knew he was so excited. the smile he gave me melted my heart and i was so excited too. he also said 'well i guess that means i'm not getting a grill' ((we had talked that morning about his Christmas gift (i told him i had an idea) and he said he thought it was a grill))

a few times during the rest of the day shaun would say thank you for the tractor. or he'd smile at me. or hug me. it was such a blessing to know just how thankful he was. i kept staring at him all day because i loved seeing him so happy. truly besides the births of my children, giving my life to Christ, and my wedding day...giving shaun the tractor was one of the best days of my life.

the party ended and we put the kiddos to bed. and shaun looks at me and says i suppose. i'm like what? and he said, well i have to go drive the tractor around. he'd been waiting HOURS to do it. he said after supper he wanted to, but didn't want to be 'rude'. so he went out in the dark. and cold fall night. and drove the tractor around. i still couldn't wipe the smile off his face when he came inside.

ahhh. i truly tear up just thinking about how happy shaun was. he's told me a number of times since saturday, thank you. i'm so very thankful. truly, he doesn't need to say a word. i can see it in his eyes. and his smile. he said he was proud of himself for holding back the tears too. ;)

i was so very blessed that i was able to work it out with his family to get the tractor for him. God totally worked every single detail out. and i'm so very thankful for that.

small blobs.

2010-10-28T10:51:00.000-05:00

here are some small 'blobs' of life going on lately.

* tonight shaun and i are going on a date to the third day, toby mac, and michael w. smith concert, part of the 'make a difference tour' i'm super excited!!

* there was a mouse in my house yesterday. blech. i pray he's gone. or that he finds one of the numerous traps we have set for him...and all his friends...if he has any.

* i've finally conquered my mountain of laundry. it was a huge success. :)

* it's freezing and windy in wisconsin. i can't wait til spring.

* dustin has his birthday party this weekend. and i'm excited for that.

* we're giving shaun his christmas/birthday present this weekend at dustin's birthday party. i am STOKED. and glad i don't have to keep it a secret much longer. i can not wait to see his reaction and pray he sees it as the blessing i'm hoping it will be. ((i haven't shared it on here either! but i will soon. ;) ))

* we do have it figured out. ((my kids)) and we like it. i had someone ask me at the mall last week if we figured it out yet. i said what? and he asked again and then pointed at my kids. so i said, yes, and we like it very much. thanks. and turned away. it was the first time i've been asked that! insane. i don't know what people think when they ask that. the guy and his wife thought they were pretty funny. until i answered so nonchalantly. they sort of looked at me goofy and walked away. :) i still don't see the humor. but oh well.

* i learned at church the other week i don't have to have it all together. as long as i have Jesus. *whew* now only if i can REMEMBER that.

* i also was reminded that we will be not liked by people in the 'world' for our beliefs. and that it's okay. now to not care about what the 'world' thinks of me.

* we don't 'do' halloween. so it's interesting when the people at mcd's ask me a few times if i'm sure i don't want the trick or treat pail. after i say i do NOT want the pail. i think they're just making sure i know that the pail is the toy. and we won't get a toy. ((and i'm quite fine with that, because generally the toys get lost, forgotten or given to goodwill anyways))

* i'm going to california in january!! and am super excited. i'm going with another blogging friend. to meet another blogging friend. bring on the palm trees and beach. :)

* it's sort of fun doing random 'blob' posts.

* i got my haircut last week. i LOVE it. it's the first time in a long time i've loved my hair. i got it colored too. which was looooooooooooong overdue! this is a picture of it...right after i left the salon. so i can't quite style it the same...but i still love it!

* i hope you have a great weekend.

* i'm done now. because if you know me any bit at all, i must make myself stop before i go on forever. :)

in loving memory

2010-10-25T10:37:00.000-05:00

today marks seven years since my grandma went home to be with the Lord. this year, more than years before, it's been really hard. i miss my grandma every day. and goofy little things sneak up and remind me of her. i thought i would share a poem my grandpa wrote for her a year after she went home.

I lost my life's companion, a life linked with my own.

Day by day I think of you, as I walk through life alone.
Loving memories never die as days go on and years go by.
Deep in my heart a memory kept of the one I loved and will never forget.
Those left behind are good and kind, but no one replaces you.
I laugh and smile, I play the part
but behind the smile is a broken heart.
~hilary gebhart~

the love my grandparents shared here on earth was so amazing. i've been blessed to have the cards they shared with each other while dating. i LOVE reading them. and feel blessed beyond measure to have them in my possession. this poem shows the same amount of love...and makes me cry every single time i read it. :)

here's one of my favorite pictures of my grandma and i, and my sister. i still remember the smile and gleam in her eye when she saw how pretty my sister was. my grandma suffered from dementia the last few years of her life. but when she saw me i *knew* she knew who i was...she just couldn't express it. the look in her eye was all i needed to know.

to my son...

2010-10-22T07:42:00.000-05:00

on your SECOND birthday...

can you believe you're two? i sure can't. :) the past two years have flown right on by.

when you were born i remember wondering if i would 'know' what to do with a boy. i had only known girls. but i was so excited to add a boy to our mix. you were the first baby we found out with, and part of me *thought* you were a boy, but i also *thought* caitlyn was a boy. so i wasn't banking on much! lol.

but you were CLEARLY a boy. and a boy you have been. :) as a baby...pretty much like your sisters. then you hit the crawling and eating stage. and you were different. you were (well you STILL are) a boy! it was amazing to me that you ate like a little boy. you did little boy things. even with three older sisters.

some people tell you they feel 'sorry' for you. because you're the only boy. i honestly don't have any thing to say back to them...except i don't feel a twinge bit 'sorry' for you. because you don't 'need' a brother. and because you've got the greatest example of a man to look up to. your daddy. if you turn out to be half the man he is...i think we're doing a great job. i love watching you and daddy play together. be 'boys' together.

and on the flip side? i LOVE it when you come out of the playroom with your pink hat on...backwards of course. and how you love on your sister's baby dolls.

i love watching you be a brother to your sisters as well. that you sometimes throw the same baby dolls you were just loving on. that you drive tractors on your sisters legs (or faces!) and the way you ask for "evvie" everytime you wake up or can't see miss evaleigh. ((you are also the only person who calls her evvie, and i adore it! i'll probably miss when you can say her name fully.))

i will admit though, sometimes when i think about the babies we've lost, and know that one was a little brother for you, i get really sad. mainly because i know you'd be a great big brother to a little brother. that you'd show him the ropes...and the hiding spots from your older sisters. but i also know that wasn't God's plan. BUT it also means that when you get to heaven you'll have at least one little brother to run and play with, and worship God with for eternity.

lately when we've been praying i hear you trying to say Jesus and pray outloud with us. it's SO incredibley fun to hear you. and see you do that. if there is one thing you take away from me as your mommy, i want it to be that you put Jesus in that heart of yours. and that you cling to Him forever. if there is one thing that has gotten me through my life, it's been God's guidance. without Him i'd be walking around lost. He is the one thing that will never ever change on you. the solid rock you can lean on.

when they handed you in my arms two years ago...you've forever changed my life...and i'm so very grateful. i love you mr. dustin!! always and forever and a few days longer than that.

love.
mommy

wordless wednesday

2010-10-20T10:18:00.000-05:00

this past weekend we took a walk in our woods.
i LOVE this picture.
and it makes my hormonal self cry. :)
but it's so fitting.
and so perfect.
i'm so blessed.

ten secrets to a successful...

2010-10-12T12:15:00.000-05:00

marriage.

a sweet friend share a link to this list on facebook today. i think it's worth sharing...over and over again. this is the 'link' to it, ((making sure i give credit to focus on the family, where this link leads to!))

here is the list:: ((and i've added my own 'thought's in red and italics. :) ))

1.Happiness is not the most important thing. Everyone wants to be happy, but happiness will come and go. Successful couples learn to intentionally do things that will bring happiness back when life pulls it away.
i think this is very true. and i know that i cannot be truly happy unless Jesus is at the forefront of my life and everything i/we do. i know that i will do 'intentional' things to try to get that 'happiness' back in our marriage. and it can be litte things! ((like the 'coupon' for 100 kisses i gave shaun last week. ;) ))

2.Couples discover the value in just showing up. When things get tough and couples don't know what to do, they need to hang in there and be there for their spouse. Time has a way of helping couples work things out by providing opportunities to reduce stress and overcome challenges.
hanging in there. oh yes. so very true. especiallly after our year last year, i realized how important it was to just hang in there and 'show up'. because believe me, there were MANY times i care to even admit i was willing to NOT hang in there and NOT show up. thankfully God helped me to hang in there and continue to show up.

3.If you do what you always do, you will get same result. Wise couples have learned that you have to approach problems differently to get different results. Often, minor changes in approach, attitude and actions make the biggest difference in marriage.
i love this one. if i do what i always do i DO for sure get the same result. thankfully God is helping me not do what i usually did, and it's getting me BETTER results. instead of those same yucky results i used to get. and the funny thing is...it is just MINOR changes i've had to make. who would've thought! :)

4.Your attitude does matter. Changing behavior is important, but so is changing attitudes. Bad attitudes often drive bad feelings and actions.
yep. that's all i can say for that! i need to remember it more though.

5.Change your mind, change your marriage. How couples think and what they believe about their spouse affects how they perceive the other. What they expect and how they treat their spouse matters greatly.
i have to completely agree with this one too. how i treat shaun matters greatly. very greatly. treating him with respect and love is my goal. and of course i fail at that, i'm human! but when i change my mind back...i can see the major change in our marraige too.

6.The grass is greenest where you water it. Successful couples have learned to resist the grass is greener myth – i.e. someone else will make me happy. They have learned to put their energy into making themselves and their marriage better.
i LOVE this one. the grass is greener on the other side, because the other side is watering their grass. so i need to remember to water my grass. and it's greener. because i'm watering my grass/marriage, it's greener. fuller. better. and it's mine to take care of. i need to also make sure the weeds are picked, and the grass stays green.

7.You can change your marriage by changing yourself. Veteran couples have learned that trying to change their spouse is like trying to push a rope – almost impossible. Often, the only person we can change in our marriage is ourselves.
another good one to remember. i can't change shaun...BUT i can change myself and MY attitude.

8.Love is a verb, not just a feeling. Everyday life wears away the "feel good side of marriage." Feelings, like happiness, will fluctuate. But, real love is based on a couple's vows of commitment: "For better or for worse" – when it feels good and when it doesn't.
i need to "DO" love too. i can't just feel love, but i also have to do love.

9.Marriage is often about fighting the battle between your ears. Successful couples have learned to resist holding grudges, bringing up the past and remembering that they married an imperfect person – and so did their spouse.
ohhhhh....this is a convicting one for my heart. i sometimes struggle with remembering 'last time' or whatever. but last time doesn't matter. the past doesn't matter as much as now, and the future. we can't change the past. and i need to remember that.

10.A crisis doesn't mean the marriage is over. Crises are like storms: loud, scary and dangerous. But to get through a storm you have to keep driving. A crisis can be a new beginning. It's out of pain that great people and marriages are produced.
amen. SO true. we've had our fair share of 'crisis' but...we kept going. neither of us gave up. neither of us lost hope. we kept on driving. sure we switched drivers once in awhile...but we've both kept going. that's what matters. do we both care enough to keep going?

Copyright © 2009, Mitch Temple

i think remembering these DAILY, will help TREMENDOUSLY. i was blessed by reading the list, and maybe a bit convicted too! but it's ALL good. :)

happy 3 months!

2010-10-07T15:48:00.000-05:00

happy three months miss evaleigh...

time flies too fast!!

"popp"ing out one letter at a time

random

to my husband,

accomplishments

i'm baaaaaaaaaaack. ;)

on my mind.

Miss E's new talent...

catching up.

to shaun on our anniversary...

the Word on wednesday.

worth it.

blobs of random.

real life.

maintaining.

holding daddy's hand...

to my little man, on your birthday...

wordless wednesday.

"fired up"

quick post

to my caity-bug...

saying "see you later"

through the {e}motions

space cadet.

our school.

shredding {giveaway}

jumbled.

closing another chapter...

figured out.

to evaleigh...on your first birthday...

{sort of} wordless wednesday

building up our relationship

TOS planner review

a plan?!

missionary

to my breigh-breigh.

covering my nook.

finally.

whew.

on parenting

song on my heart.

where's yours in?

thoughts.

the other side.

scatter brain.

6 years old!

wordless wednesday...the pictures i promised. :)

in order

where to go from here?

the secret behind this mom

california:the details

wordless wednesday

a year in review.

time flies.

pretty much wordless wednesday...

overload!

ABC's of Thanks.

to my husband.

kites

~*{title}*~

introducing...

small blobs.

in loving memory

to my son...

wordless wednesday

ten secrets to a successful...

happy 3 months!

~{title}~