i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Monday, March 21, 2011

the other side.

so. i have a blog post half written and was planning on finishing that. til last week happened.

my heart is so heavy, that i know i must blog through the emotions of it all and i will feel so much better.

let's start from the beginning....

last tuesday a friend of mine had a craft night at her house. ((her husband travels for his job and was out of town all last week, so having people over passes the time..and what a fun way to do it!!)) she was explaining what she had to drink..."water with lemon and cucumber (VERY good!) and tea and hot chocolate, and coffee...it's decaf. because it HAS to be. because i'm pregnant." and she got a super big smile on her face. we all gushed.

it was so exciting for me to be excited for a friend to be pregnant. i'm usually on the other side. i'm the one usually pregnant!! over the course of the night we talked about the exciting-ness of it all. what craft projects had to wait because of the 'fumes'. it was such a joyous time. i could see the joy radiating off of her. it made my heart radiate with joy for her.

on wednesday we had wings. so we were on our way there and my friend called. she was calling to ask for prayer. she had woke up that morning with spotting. and she knew i would know how to pray for her. she said it had slowed down/stopped. and it is something 'normal' with pregnancy. so she wasn't worried. but just asked that i would pray for her. i'll be honest. i was really short on the phone with her. not mean short, just short. all i could say was of course i will. when we got off the phone. my heart was pounding. my eyes were crying. i prayed with my entire heart and soul for her.

i prayed God would allow this baby a chance to meet it's mom and dad. i prayed that she wouldn't have to go through the disgusting reality of losing a baby. i prayed that my experiences wouldn't be a "help" to her. that in 9/10 months we'd be meeting a precious little baby. i'll be honest. i took it HARD. it was the first time in my life someone so close and special to me ever called me to tell me that. i held it together through wings and the rest of the busy day. when i just wanted to cry. be left alone. i was more 'scared' than she was i think. the feelings of my miscarriages came rushing back. the emotions of seeing those 'spots' came flooding in my heart. the begging of God was in my prayers. begging that she would not have to endure the pain i had to. begging that the spotting would be just like the spotting i had with evaleigh...nothing more than that.

i hardly slept that night. when i was awake i prayed fervently for my sweet friend. i waited until 10 the next morning to call her. my heart was anxious all morning before that. my heart was anxious as she answered. then i heard her voice. and "knew".

knew it probably wasn't okay. knew my prayers all night were for a reason. she was without a doubt sure that the baby was miscarrying. i could hear the pain in her voice. i wanted to reach through the phone and grab her. i wanted to be there to cry WITH her. with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat...i had no idea what to say. it's crazy to me, because i've "done" this three times. and still don't know what to say. i'm sorry doesn't seem like enough. yet i'm so truly sorry that she had to go through it. we reassured each other. that God IS  mighty. God IS soverign. God IS in control. God's plan IS GOOD.

now, knowing those things doesn't mean that going through something as tragic as losing a child 'easy'. but having that HOPE is so easy. knowing those things makes your heart have a certain sense of calm. it truly is unexplainable. and that is how i know it can only come from God above.

i asked her if she needed something. i was going up to appleton later in the day, so i could easily go somewhere and get her whatever she needed. she needed milk. so i was more than happy to get her that. i wish i had a private jet, and could've gotten her husband from georgia. my heart broke for the two of them to have to endure the pain away from each other. sure he was coming home the next day, but i couldn't imagine not having shaun there with me. but ultimately they (and we) needed to cling to God first and then each other. because having those physical arms to sob into really helps.

when i dropped of the milk i succeeded in not crying. i gave her a big hug. and i finalized the plans for me to take her daughter with us in the morning to the children's museum. so the next morning i picked up her darling little girl and we went to the museum. i knew that it'd be easier to see my husband for the first time virtually "alone", they have another little one, but he is a little over a year, so 'easier' to talk to each other with. i had a ball with the kiddos at the museum, ihop, and hobby lobby. ((i've also decided that five kids are enough, people stare at us with five, but they really stare when you have six. lol))

when i dropped her back off at home my friend thanked me. and said how nice it was to have some time alone with her husband. i was so grateful that it worked out. that they could have the time together and cry, talk, whatever a bit 'easier'.

it was also really cool because shaun took the time to call her husband and leave him a message. basically to let him know he was praying for him and if he needed something to let him know.  i know that shaun would have appreciated it if someone did that for him. so i'm so glad that he was able to do something. i knew how to pray for my friend, i know how it feels for me to go through that. what i do not know is how it feels to be the dad in the situation. so i'm so thankful shaun was able to be there for him.

all weekend they were on my heart. they had just found out the friday before, so all i could think about was in how one simple week their lives were changed forever. i prayed and prayed. and prayed some more.

at church we usually sit together. yesterday was no different. as my friend's husband said hi to evaleigh ((i sit out in church til worship is done with her, then we go to the mom's room. :) ))my heart ached for him. wondering how he was doing. what he was thinking. what he was feeling. then one of the last songs of worship started. it was the song "He knows my name".

as the song started. my floodgates were getting full. then as i sang the words, or tried to. i couldn't help it. i broke down. so did my friend. i got up and held her. as we hugged. cried. sobbed. together. it was beautiful. i mean really. i cried knowing how hard it is to sing the words of the song. i cried knowing how hard it can be sometimes to feel like moving on. i cried knowing my friend i loved and cared about was dealing with such an awful hurt.

if you're unfamiliar with the song...here are the lyrics...
I have a maker
He formed my heart,
before even time began
My life was in his hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought,
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

I have a father,
He calls me his own
He'll never leave me,
no matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call
He hears me when I call

when people say they don't believe in God...i want to ask why? because i know when a God who cares so much about me, about you, about all of us, does something like this during worship...i can't NOT believe. no one on the worship team knew what happened. BUT God did. GOD planned out this song to be sung. as a sweet reminder He knows our name. He holds our tears. and HE HEARS US!! and before even time began my life, your life, our sweet babies lives...were in HIS hands.

as we've read our pregnancy tests...He's known those babies. He's known the ones that would be called home to Him before we did. He is in control.

as i held my friend in my arms her husband was singing and it was at the same time of the song "He sees each tear that falls". it was so perfect. so fitting. SO God.

i love through all of this how personal God as been to me. us.

i love that i can be a friend to her. and sort of know what it feels like. i love that i can use my past to minister to her future. i hate that either of us has had to endure such a pain. but i love how God has used it.

seeing this now, i know that it is part of the reason i've had to endure the pain. i know that this is the GOOD that has come out of the situation. the GOOD that He has promised me (and you) in Romans 8:28.

so this time i've been on the other side. i can't tell you that this is a much easier side to be on. because it's not. for me it's been just as heart breaking. heart wrenching. as if i were going through it myself. i'd rather not be on either side of this. but God. as we continue on. as we live our lives for Him. the only 'but' in our life must be God. i've said this before, and will say it again...we only see one small stroke of the masterpiece He is painting for us. looking at one single stroke can "look" ugly...but when added together with all the strokes He is painting...it's quite a beautiful masterpiece.

He knows my name video...

11 loving words from you.:

Jen said...

So sorry for the situation, but you being there for her and seeing God through it ALL makes my heart smile. (((Hugs)))

Jennifer W. said...

I'm so sorry that anyone has to go through this situation. I'm very thankful that both you and your friend have God to lean on...I also often wonder how people who experience loss without knowing God deal. How do you ever hope again if you don't know that God is real and life is planned and that you will see that person again? Saying a prayer for you and your friend, and even though it sounds sort of cruel to say this, I'm certain that she is thankful to have someone who can understand what she is going through-you know what I mean?

Alicia The Snowflake said...

I'm so sorry your friend is going through this. Praying for both of you as God leads you through this difficult time.

Oh and I LOVE that song...such a beautiful reminder!

Christy said...

You are amazing! Clearly, from the time I heard, I knew that you were just the right person to be her friend at this time. God is amazing in that he's worked everything out knowing what his will would be for the future. My heart has been breaking for our friend for days now and I knew that you would have just the right words, and arms, to grieve with her. I'm weeping reading this and hearing your words. Weeping for both your families. And also weeping knowing that God does know our names, every hair on our heads, every tear that we cry, and every moment in our futures. God is a wonderful God and I just knew he would use you in this time. Thank you for being who you are and recognizing just how to help and be there for such a dear friend.

Jessi said...

I'm in tears!

Unknown said...

I'm so glad that she had you to be there by her side. It's always just a tiny bit easier to have someone who knows exactly what you are going through with you by your side. It's terrible to have NO one and feel all alone with your pain. So glad God made yall friends so she had you to make it though!!

Holly said...

I am so sorry to hear of the loss your friend has endured. You are a good friend to be there for her and to share in her sorrow. Not many would do that.

Beccalynn said...

I'm so sorry! That's so heartbreaking. That song is one that has spoken to me in some of my darkest hours. I love that song. I'll be praying for her. I've never miscarried myself so I can only sympathize, not empathize, but I can only imagine.

Veronica said...

Amanda...I am so, so sorry. I still remember when a really close friend of mine called me on me and Fern's anniversary one year to say that she was having a miscarriage. She had been bleeding and they had her go in to the hospital and they had an ultrasound and there wasn't a heartbeat anymore. I remember being so devastated and i couldn't imagine having to go through that.

I'm so happy though that the Lord has sent this friend in your path. That you can be there for each other. You of all people know exactly how to minister to her and it's amazing to see how He does things like this.

I will say a prayer for your friend and hope that she'll be able to feel the Lord through it all.

Julia @ Natural Parents Network said...

I have been there, too and when I hear or find out about any other woman going through the same thing it ALWAYS hurts. It affects me so much more deeply than it did before I had been through it myself.

Laurel said...

Your friend is BLESSED to have you for a friend.

I lost a baby just 2 weeks ago. I have never felt so alone ... I didn't have any friends come over to give me a hug ... no friends asking if there was anything I needed. Even my adult children hardly acknowledged my loss. After 12 kids .... I guess people don't understand that each. and. every. one. of my kids is special. The loss of a child, is the loss of a child, no matter how many other children you already have.

I know that song well. If it had been sung at church this week, I know I would have been a blubbering mess. As it was, I couldn't even sing this week ... I couldn't even mouth the words ... my pain was too deep, too fresh, too hard to be walking through it all ALONE.