just a house.

hey. this post is going to be a hard one for me. but one my mind has been forming all night. i need to get it out. and held back getting out of bed at midnight to come type it. so bear with me. :0)

yesterday i went to my grandparent's house. but not really. my grandma has been 'gone' for five years and lived in a nursing home for about three years before that. and my grandpa just moved out a month ago into an apartment thing. so now. it's just a house. getting picked over and organized and emptied. washed and scrubbed and cleaned. soon it will be empty. soon someone else will fill it with their stuff. and it won't be my grandparent's house anymore.

it was a little hard to be there yesterday. i felt so many emotions going through me. as i walked with my kids around the house i held back tears.
'here' i told amelya we used to jump off of this and i pretended i could fly.
'here' i told my mom is where i always thought a pool should go.
'here' i thought to myself...is where my grandparents let me and my sister and two cousins try to dig a huge hole as a fort.
'here' is where my two cousins 'pruned' the backsides of a few trees so we could have a hideout. 'here' is where my grandpa saw us in the hideout and instead of yelling, which he so could have, said "boys boys boys". we were always boys. never girls. lol.
'here' is the mini washline my grandma had on her porch to hang out her plastic bags to dry. 'here' is the backyard that i dumped COLD (freezing freezing cold) buckets of water on my sister while playing a game, when it was my turn to get dumped on i quit!! (wasn't i nasty!?!)
'here' is the backyard me and my cousins played kick the can and freeze tag and spud.
'here' is the sandbox we made mudpies in and dried them in the sun.
'here' is the road my cousin ran down trying to chase his mom.
'here' is the table we played endless games of kings korners, chinese checkers, 31, and numerous dice games.
'here' is the table my grandma, unsuccessfully tried to teach us sheepshead.
'here' is the living room my sister and i played school in.
'here' is the living room we tossed money around after grandma's big bingo win!
'here' is the bedroom that my sister and i slept in so many nights.
'here' is the bedroom that the sheets always smelled like they were hung on the line. even in the middle of winter.
'here' is the driveway we played games of basketball and horse in.
'here' is the house that holds so many memories that i can't revisit.

that's the hardest for me. it almost feels like i'm losing my grandma again. before i could go to the house and see her. sitting in her chair crocheting. in the kitchen baking. at the table visiting. now those memories will only remain in my heart. i'm so thankful to still have my grandpa around. i know that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, but i always pray he has loads of tomorrows left.

when we were younger my mom and my sister and i went out to my grandparent's house once a week. looking back now that is the best thing she did for us. before that my grandparents were our babysitters. i treasure all that time that we had with them. they spoiled me and my sister. not that they gave us things. but the spoiled us with their love and affection. hugs and kisses. smiles and laughter. which to me...is so much better than any other thing. and it's what i want to leave my kids with.

i want my kids to walk around our house and remember the fun things we did. the laughter we had. the smiles we shared. which also means...i need to make that happen all the time. me sitting on the computer while they're around isn't getting much done with that is it? i really 'try' to limit my computer time while they're awake, but somedays are worse than others. i figure 'i'm going to respond to just this' and sometimes it turns out to be more than that. so today. and tomorrow and every tomorrow after today i'm limiting my time. and maybe i won't get to comment or blog as much. but at least my kids will have those laughter and smile memories etched in their minds and hearts til they get way big.

last night i cried long and hard. shaun held me quietly as i sobbed. then i thought of him. how is it for him? to live in the very house he lived with his parents in. does he see his dad when he walks outside to the field? does he see his dad at the table when we're eating dinner? does he see his dad has he walks by the barn? does he see his dad at christmas, opening gifts for the last time? does he see his dad driving away for the very last time? is it harder? or does it make it easier being here? i don't know. maybe he doesn't know. maybe he doesn't even see anything. sometimes i try to. especially when shaun shares a story about his dad. it's times like right now i struggle with never getting to meet him. to never get to know him. to never thank him for raising the wonderful boy he raised. and then god. god reminds me this is not the end. there is the promise of heaven. and the promise that i'll get to meet my savior face to face. and everyone in heaven. what a joy. what a gift. what a promise.

what it comes down to though is this. it's just a house. my grandparents house. my house. your house. they're just houses. they hold memories. but i can take those with me. my house won't come with me if i ever move. but my memories will. and for that i'm so thankful.

so there you have it. a jumbled mess of emotions. but man it feels so much better to get it out. thanks for reading/listening. i'm off. and i'm going to be off til at least nap time. got it! thanks for bearing with me. i love you guys!!

oh. and don't forget for you non cloth diapering mommas, you should still sign up for the wetbag giveaway. it can be used for wet clothes, shoes and so much more!! :0) plus they have really cute patterns to pick from! so go on and enter. and for you cloth diapering mommas the bummis giveaway ends TODAY!! and don't forget to sign up for the fuzzi bunz giveaway!! :0) thanks guys. really. thanks!