i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

just a house.

hey. this post is going to be a hard one for me. but one my mind has been forming all night. i need to get it out. and held back getting out of bed at midnight to come type it. so bear with me. :0)

yesterday i went to my grandparent's house. but not really. my grandma has been 'gone' for five years and lived in a nursing home for about three years before that. and my grandpa just moved out a month ago into an apartment thing. so now. it's just a house. getting picked over and organized and emptied. washed and scrubbed and cleaned. soon it will be empty. soon someone else will fill it with their stuff. and it won't be my grandparent's house anymore.

it was a little hard to be there yesterday. i felt so many emotions going through me. as i walked with my kids around the house i held back tears.
'here' i told amelya we used to jump off of this and i pretended i could fly.
'here' i told my mom is where i always thought a pool should go.
'here' i thought to myself...is where my grandparents let me and my sister and two cousins try to dig a huge hole as a fort.
'here' is where my two cousins 'pruned' the backsides of a few trees so we could have a hideout. 'here' is where my grandpa saw us in the hideout and instead of yelling, which he so could have, said "boys boys boys". we were always boys. never girls. lol.
'here' is the mini washline my grandma had on her porch to hang out her plastic bags to dry. 'here' is the backyard that i dumped COLD (freezing freezing cold) buckets of water on my sister while playing a game, when it was my turn to get dumped on i quit!! (wasn't i nasty!?!)
'here' is the backyard me and my cousins played kick the can and freeze tag and spud.
'here' is the sandbox we made mudpies in and dried them in the sun.
'here' is the road my cousin ran down trying to chase his mom.
'here' is the table we played endless games of kings korners, chinese checkers, 31, and numerous dice games.
'here' is the table my grandma, unsuccessfully tried to teach us sheepshead.
'here' is the living room my sister and i played school in.
'here' is the living room we tossed money around after grandma's big bingo win!
'here' is the bedroom that my sister and i slept in so many nights.
'here' is the bedroom that the sheets always smelled like they were hung on the line. even in the middle of winter.
'here' is the driveway we played games of basketball and horse in.
'here' is the house that holds so many memories that i can't revisit.

that's the hardest for me. it almost feels like i'm losing my grandma again. before i could go to the house and see her. sitting in her chair crocheting. in the kitchen baking. at the table visiting. now those memories will only remain in my heart. i'm so thankful to still have my grandpa around. i know that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, but i always pray he has loads of tomorrows left.

when we were younger my mom and my sister and i went out to my grandparent's house once a week. looking back now that is the best thing she did for us. before that my grandparents were our babysitters. i treasure all that time that we had with them. they spoiled me and my sister. not that they gave us things. but the spoiled us with their love and affection. hugs and kisses. smiles and laughter. which to me...is so much better than any other thing. and it's what i want to leave my kids with.

i want my kids to walk around our house and remember the fun things we did. the laughter we had. the smiles we shared. which also means...i need to make that happen all the time. me sitting on the computer while they're around isn't getting much done with that is it? i really 'try' to limit my computer time while they're awake, but somedays are worse than others. i figure 'i'm going to respond to just this' and sometimes it turns out to be more than that. so today. and tomorrow and every tomorrow after today i'm limiting my time. and maybe i won't get to comment or blog as much. but at least my kids will have those laughter and smile memories etched in their minds and hearts til they get way big.

last night i cried long and hard. shaun held me quietly as i sobbed. then i thought of him. how is it for him? to live in the very house he lived with his parents in. does he see his dad when he walks outside to the field? does he see his dad at the table when we're eating dinner? does he see his dad has he walks by the barn? does he see his dad at christmas, opening gifts for the last time? does he see his dad driving away for the very last time? is it harder? or does it make it easier being here? i don't know. maybe he doesn't know. maybe he doesn't even see anything. sometimes i try to. especially when shaun shares a story about his dad. it's times like right now i struggle with never getting to meet him. to never get to know him. to never thank him for raising the wonderful boy he raised. and then god. god reminds me this is not the end. there is the promise of heaven. and the promise that i'll get to meet my savior face to face. and everyone in heaven. what a joy. what a gift. what a promise.

what it comes down to though is this. it's just a house. my grandparents house. my house. your house. they're just houses. they hold memories. but i can take those with me. my house won't come with me if i ever move. but my memories will. and for that i'm so thankful.

so there you have it. a jumbled mess of emotions. but man it feels so much better to get it out. thanks for reading/listening. i'm off. and i'm going to be off til at least nap time. got it! thanks for bearing with me. i love you guys!!

oh. and don't forget for you non cloth diapering mommas, you should still sign up for the wetbag giveaway. it can be used for wet clothes, shoes and so much more!! :0) plus they have really cute patterns to pick from! so go on and enter. and for you cloth diapering mommas the bummis giveaway ends TODAY!! and don't forget to sign up for the fuzzi bunz giveaway!! :0) thanks guys. really. thanks!

23 loving words from you.:

A little piece of 7th heaven said...

Amanda..that was one of the greatest posts I have ever read..
and I know what you mean..the memories..they are the sweetest and I love the fact that we have those to hold on to..plus, I love pictures too b/c they instantly remind you of an emotion or a memory..take tons of pics of your kiddies and your grandpa..those will be priceless..
I now am trying so hard to take a ton of pics of my kids and their grandpa and with all of their extended family..cause like you said tomorrow is NOT guaranteed...for any of us..
Here's to creating Happy, Happy memories..
Yours sound so sweet..
With lots of Love,
Annmarie

Kelli said...

What an awesome post! I love how you told about all those 'here' places that you remember. I would be doing the same thing if I were walking through my grandparents old house! And not being able to go in and see those old houses is really hard....my great grandparents house looks so different since they both passed away and someone else moved in. But we still drive by sometimes, and just seeing the outside of the house brings back a ton of memories! Have fun with the kiddos this morning! See ya at naptime!

C.C. and Double T said...

Thank you for sharing your heart.

Every time you used the word "here", I could totally "see" the place you were describing. Did you take pictures of everything? Maybe you could do a scrapbook of each of those places and journal in it some of the things you shared in this post. You could call it "HERE". :-) Maybe your children could help you and that way you could continue to share those memories with them. Maybe you could make new pages that they choose about places in your home now and memories you have already created with them.

Just thinking. Sorry to take over like that. I think your post was just beautiful.

Go spend time with your babies! :-)

C.C. and Double T said...

Still thinking... you know, your post was very scriptural. In the Old Testament, God always told His people to write down the things He had done for them. To set up memorials to remember. To share these things with their children. Thank you again for also sharing it with us. What a gift God gave us in the ability to "remember" and to pass it on to our children.

Stephanie said...

Such a beautiful post. I'm currently living in the house that my grandmother lived in for 50 years. It's full of memories for me, and I cannot imagine having to "let it go". Once we move out another family member is going to move in, so it will stay in the family hopefully. It is truly amazing how looking around, I can "see" memories, like you said.

I'm with you on attempting to limit my computer time. I do the same thing.. just one more blog, one more e-mail. And I miss out on time with my kids.

agk11808 said...

I know the feeling. It almost felt weird going through the stuff. Funny though because Grant and I were walking in the backyard, and I showed him where the sandbox used to be, and that we would always play on the rock thing. I told him we did the king of the mountain. Mom, Grant and I also walked out and went into the fort in the trees, Our little space is still there, the small rooms off the side and everything. I also remember riding our "motorcycles" (bikes) around and reving them up! The memories will last forever. Don't forget when grandma let us play with her bingo winnings!!! We threw around $20 bills all over the living room. One thing grandma always said "i should have taken a picture"
thanks for reminding me! :) tears and all!

Jen said...

Thanks for sharing that, friend. I'm lucky enough to still visit my grandpa and grandma in the home they raised my dad and uncle in. Granted, it's only once a year, but still. I dread the day I can't with everything in me. (((Hugs))) to you!

Verna said...

Memories, Precious Memories.
Thank you for the post. I really enjoyed reading it. Reminded me that memories cannot be taken away from us, even if our loved ones have gone on before us.

I don't have memories of my grandparents. They were all gone before I was born except one and I was very, very young when she died.
Take lots of photos and make lots of memories with your children and grandparents if possible. They will always treasure those memories.

Have a wonderful day.

Ami said...

First time commenter... Beautiful post! Thank you for sharing your memories. My grandparents moved, about 10 years ago into a 'new' home about 2 miles from the home they'd had for over 20 years. Several months ago I was visiting them and drove past their old place for the first time in many years. I was trying to explain to my husband and son what used to be there, where things were, what memories just the location brought to the front of my mind... you put things so eloquently. The memories are so special!

-stephanie- said...

This is a great post Amanda. It was such a calm, peaceful walk down memory lane, and I wasn't even there. Not only do you have these memories in your heart, you now have them written down, so they will never be gone.

Stephanie said...

That was great...you did a wonderful job of putting your emotions down in print! I have to admit I'm at fault also with doing computer time while my kids are awake...as a matter of fact Allie is crawling around pushing a car as I'm typing to you. For some reason I stress when I don't check blogs all day because then I'm so far behind I can't read them all at night. Ugh...guess we all need to find a balance,huh?

I hope you have a wonderful day!

Lara said...

Thank you for sharing this, Amanda. I feel the exact same way about the house where my grandma lived. She passed 7 yrs ago and her house sold to the new owners about 3 yrs ago. Right before it sold, my family (then only hubby, Peach, and pregnant me) went out there to tour it and I told my 6 mo old and hubby all of the "this is where______." Just reading your post brought back all those emotions and made me cry. I told my husband back then that I want our kids to have those feelings about their gparents' house too. It's good to make sure they feel that way at home too. Really a good post:)

Proud Grandma of 8 and loving it said...

That was truely beautiful Amanda and such a great tribute to your grsndparents. It bring back memories when my grandma passed away Grandpa went first a few years ealier. My cousin had bought the house but couldn;t get myself to go in it just woudn;t be the same didn;t want to replace those memories. Then the day came when they tore the house down.( the church next door needed a bigger parking lot) That was hard just so many memories I just lived a blk away and it was my second home. Just hang onto those precious memories. Monica

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

memories with grandparents are the best. im very sad my children will never meet mine, but thankfully they have some great parents waiting when they do arrive.

it looks to me that youre doing a great job keeping those kids smiling. they WILL remember that.

Following Him said...

BEAUTIFUL post! Memories are some of my favorite things! Your A, B, C, and Ds will remember these moments! Your tears are very real to me and I feel some of the pain!
Blessings and love to you!
~Elyse~

Julie said...

I'm SO sorry about your grandma. That would be very hard to do. I'm an army brat, so I never got too attached to any of our houses. But my grandparents' houses are a different story. They hold SO many memories.

~*Michelle*~ said...

*sniff

Beautiful....very moving.

I really think you should take these words, and have them printed into a memory book. seriously.

Love you!

Alicia said...

That was a wonderful post!! I can imagine how you feel! When I go to Virginia and walk into my grandparents home, floods of memories just come back!!!!!!!! What a blessing you are able to have all these memories with you, and you can make your memories w/ your children!!!!

HUGS,
ALicia

heidi said...

That was a good post, Amanda. ((hugs))

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. The farm I grew up on is now sold, the house I grew up in is demolished, and someone else moved into my Grandma's house (also on the farm) and remodeled it. I don't think I could set foot on that farm. It hurts just thinking about it.
You're right, though, it's just a house. I look forward to meeting my grandma in her mansion in heaven!!!

Sneaky Momma said...

I do believe your post dispels the notion that a house is just a house.
Such a beautifully written post, Amanda. It brought back memories of when we sold my grandparents' house.

Martha said...

What a touching post my dear :( I truly hope you will feel better soon!

I moved around over 60 times in my life and I had only one true home for 10 years. When my step father cheated on my mother, we sold the house when I was 17 and it broke my heart saying goodbye to the only home I've ever knew :(

We came to know the people who moved into our home and they completely destroyed it, I could no longer step foot into the house because I did not want to destroy my precious memories of the house ((sigh))

Take it as a bittersweet lesson that our lives here on earth are only temporary, everything will turn to ashes. We need to invest our time building our homes in heaven :) and that shall be permanent!! I hope we'll be neighbors ((winks))

Jennifer said...

Thank you for sharing that with us. I almost bought my grandparents house when I was first married. So, I can kinda understand how you're feeling. In my house I have on the wall markings of my kids growth. I was told that if we ever move, I can't take that part of the wall. DANG IT! I know there will be tears when I leave this house, cuz of this wall. But I don't want to think of that right now. :) May God give you comfort.