i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Friday, September 11, 2009

back to a sense of normal.

friday again. it's been an entire week between posts again too! yikes!!

((off subject, but yikes is my new favorite word...in case you were wondering))

i'll be honest though...yesterday is the first day i've felt like i'm coming around to a sense of normalcy again. this week has been a good week. but i'll be honest and say it's also been a rollercoaster a bit as well. the other night i was just sitting and watching tv and started crying when someone had a baby. because it hit me again that we weren't. at the same time, thanks to facebook on my phone :0), i read about someone loving little baby kicks in their belly. and it hit me that i wasn't getting to feel those...YET.

it's not like people are going to quit having babies or talking about their precious kicks just because i'm not pregnant. people get pregnant and have babies all the time. it was just this week that it really hit me that i wasn't. and it also hit me how bad i truly desire it. so i continue to pray and rest in god's arms and timing and know that it's perfect. there is a reason that he wanted to take my two babies to heaven before me. i don't know why...but i don't NEED to know why...all i NEED to know is that god remains good.

my struggle though...is all the complaining people do. now. i KNOW i complain. i try really hard not to complain while pregnant, but i know i do. usually it's about my back pain. and the only other thing i can think of is having to get up at 3 AM to go pee. after the past four months and losing two babies...i will tell you this...i'd give anything to have horrible back pain and i'd get up every five minutes to pee if it meant i got to be having a baby at the end of it.

so it really has opened my eyes to the comments i make. it's sort of like the 'as long as the baby is healthy comment'. actually i would take my baby even if it wasn't healthy...sure it'd be 'nice' to have a healthy baby...but i'm not going to put it back if it's not. and what is healthy anyways? breigh and dustin have ezcema..does that make them 'not-healthy'. or do they have to be sick or in the hospital or something? sure it isn't the perfect scenerio to have a not healthy child...but we also always tell our children, life isn't perfect. so then why do we expect it to be for us? i don't know. maybe i'll make some of you upset by saying those things. but it really just has been on my heart this week. you can bet that if we get pregnant again i'll have back pain. but i will tell you i will SAY that i have been having back pain...but i will not say how 'ugh it hurts so bad i hate it'. i think that people can share their pregnancy experiences...the negative ones...in a way that just states the issue but isn't complaining about it. if that makes sense. it's the complaining or seeming like they can't stand all of this...that drives me to tears. because like i said, i wish it could be me going through it. sort of like i don't understand the people who say that they hate being pregnant. well not hate being pregnant but just the whole experience...i love it. i think that it's okay for people to not enjoy it. and i've never had a really bad pregnancy..but i just love it.

my hardest pregnancy was probably amelya's. i was as big as a boat...no a cruise ship. and i was working in an infant room at a daycare. in winter. which means runny noses...and a cruise ship getting up and down off the floor all day long. i had bad back pain with her pregnancy as well. but in the end...i hardly remember the back pain and i only know i was huge because of pictures. it's sort of like they say, you'll forget the pain as soon as the baby is born...i didn't believe them...until i held amelya in my arms. and breigh. and caitlyn. and dustin. the pain was gone and the love in my heart swelled more and more as i watched my precious baby.

speaking of precious baby...my caity-bug is two now. her birthday was on sunday. we're having a b-day party for her this sunday. we never have done anything huge for any of the parties. i guess to me i don't care. and at one or two years old the kids don't care about all the hoop-la. for amelya's birthday the past two years she picked out her cake theme...that my mom makes. :0) and breigh did it this year. so that's as themed out as we get. amelya is going to be five in about six months...oh my!! and she is starting to have some little friends...so maybe we'll do something with friends this time. i don't know. and really it doesn't matter. it will also be amelya's 'golden birthday' this year. i can't believe she's going to be FIVE. i can't believe that caitlyn is TWO. and dustin will be ONE next month. YIKES!! times a thousand YIKES...

today is 9/11. it's crazy to think it's been eight years since that day. that is the first event in the US that i 'remember right where i was'. i was at school in oshkosh and was walking back from the shower and my next door dorm-mate said turn your tv on. it was early. and i was like...um okay. i thought maybe hers wasn't working so we should see if ours were. huh. if it was only just that. i remember watching the second plane fly into the building. i saw it. then over and over again as they showed it. it was like watching a crazy movie and you couldn't change the channel. every channel was covering it.

this is dumb. but they cancelled a parents night for tennis at our home high school. i remember being all upset because i was excited to go home one night 'extra' to see shaun. yeah, i know. dumb. looking back now i realize how crazy i was to be all upset.

they cancelled classes. held vigils. rallies. what have you. and we were hundreds of miles away from there.

after the whole thing i remember being most intrigued by flight 93. by the phone calls that were recorded. by the men who tried to help take over the flight. 'let's roll' was a super good book about one of them. todd beamer. he was also a christian. every time i hear the stories i put myself on that plane and wonder what i would do. and pray i never find out.

and now we sit here eight years later. tv coverage is minimal compared to that day. my kids don't even know what happened. life moves on. but we never forget. i can put that to my angel babies too. life moves on..but i never forget.

just like god doesn't forget us. ever. he sits. waiting. until we come back to him.

we're going on a family trip in a few weeks...well like a month, take a deep breath michelle. we'll be three hours-ish from NYC. i'm a super bad passenger in milwaukee...do we risk it and drive to NYC? anyone want to be a driver for our family and take us there? lol. part of me would love to go to NYC...to say i've been to NYC. i'd love to see central park, the statue of liberty, ground zero, the brooklyn bridge, time square...but do i risk an anxiety attack to just say i've seen it? i don't know.

i'm still in the process of planning out our trip. we're leaving on a friday and hoping to make it to connecticut by sunday or monday. with some stops in the middle. i have no idea 'where' in the middle. but perhaps YOU'RE in the middle. maybe our families could meet up for some lunch/dinner at a park. or a mcdonald's. or wherever. let me know. because i'd LOVE to meet you. if you email me..i can email you the specific dates-ish. and we could set something up. plus i just love meeting new bloggy friends.

well i'm off to get ready for the day. i have a ton of errands to run. next week i'm praying for some more normalcy and i can get back to blogging more normally and commenting again. i'm SO behind!!

16 loving words from you.:

Lisa said...

It's so hard to struggle with the mixture of feelings you get after you lose a baby. Prayers of continued peace and healing momma!

~*Michelle*~ said...

Always praying for peace for you, Amanda.....I am not sure we can ever get over those emotions. {{{hugs}}}

I say go for the trip to NYC......it's not that far from my house and you could do it one day....staying overnight would be better for you with the kids, though. I can look online for inexpensive places to stay if you want. They have the world's biggest Toys R Us, the zoo, and tons of things for the kiddos and it will be perfect weather for it. Let me know!

Ami said...

Amanda - I know the feelings of annoyance and aggravation that come with listening to people 'complain' about pregnancy stuff when all you want is to be feeling those same aches and pains. Sigh... it's so hard. Thinking of you!

Oh, and not sure where you're coming from/what direction you'll be going - but if you're in or going through eastern PA at all, maybe we could try to get together. I think you can e-mail me through my google profile. October is a crazy month, but we might have a free couple of hours some afternoon. :)

Jennifer said...

Your Caitlyn shares her birthday with my Matthew. We didn't celebrate last weekend due to Caleb having influenza A and all of us being quarantined. Yuk.

I was in NYC in August of '03 chaperoning a teen mission trip. It is an eye-opening, fantastic place! Ground Zero is very humbling.
I think you'd enjoy it, actually.

Praying for you, my bloggy friend!

Alicia said...

Hi Amanda! It' so good to read what you're up to these days!

How fun...a family vacay! I think NY would be so fun to go to!! My mom went there a couple of years ago and really loved it. Mind you, she didn't have four little ones w/ her though!!

Anyway...what you wrote totally made sense. We may not understand why certain things happen the way they do, but we have to trust that Gods plans are much better than ours.


Kelli @ RTSM said...

It is good to get a little update from you...I've missed reading about what has been going on with you! I'm glad you are starting to feel a little back to normal! I know what you mean about wanting to be pregnant againl...I would really like to have just one more, but I don't think it is going to happen!
I remember where I was eight years ago, and I turned my tv on just in time to watch the second plane crash into the WTC! I will always remember that!
I hope you have a great weekend...and good luck planning our your trip!

Lara said...

glad to "see" you again. i hope you get to feeling even more normal! prayers and {hugs}.

He & Me + 3 said...

It is so good to hear from you.
Hope that Caity-bug had a great birthday and I hope that her party is super fun!
have fun on your trip and be safe.

christy rose said...

It is great to hear from you! Glad you are getting somewhat back to normal. Be excited because this is the first day of the rest of your life and the best is yet to come! :)

Judson Family said...

I have been thinking about your family the last few days and wondering how you were holding up!! Stay Strong.

Happy birthday Caitlyn...

Scrapingirl said...

Welcome back. I've been thinking about ya, and hoping you were doing ok. I'm glad you're feeling a little bit normal again.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

You had me laughing with your "big as a cruise ship" comment! I am still thinking of you through this all~ and praying for you!

Jennifer W. said...

It's good to hear that things are a bit more normal. Even though I've never lost a child, I understand the annoyance of whiny pregnant people. Yeah, I may have fussed a bit, but never in the negative 'I-wish-I-weren't-going-through-this' way. I just don't understand that mentality. I will never forget 9/11. It was unbelievable to me then, and it still is now. If it were me, I'd be in NY in a hurry. But I've always wanted to go there-I even wanted to live there before Paul and I got married! I was going to be on Broadway!! :) Thank God He had other plans for my life!!

Together We Save said...

Praying for you.

Veronica said...

Just stopping by to tell you I've been thinking about you!

LucieP said...

thinking of you and saying hi