i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

the raw emotion

well. i have been MIA since about friday...here anyways. and pretty much on all your blogs too. it's been one of those weeks. and it's only wednesday! i really want to only ask for prayer requests for myself and the situation, without going into details. things aren't worked out with it all, and i guess even though i do share a lot of things...there are some things i don't. you just don't know it. but this is a thing that needs prayer and that's why i'm asking. but it also has to do with something i prayed about, God layed on my heart this weekend. and it's about being so busy ALL THE TIME. and what i need to just 'let go'. i really feel His confirmation in it, and i'm just praying it is that. and truly...i already feel 'less stressed' about the busy-ness. and am thinking it's the answer i was looking for. truly NOT the answer i was expecting, but an answer nonetheless.

i've dove into the Bible in the book of Job yesterday, and something that never had caught my attention before totally did. i have previously read the book of Job, we go through the Bible verse by verse at church and Job was awhile ago already. what caught my eye at the beginning was the Lord and satan talking about Job. and the Lord told satan how Job was like no other man. ((i'm totally paraphrasing)) and that Job was a 'good guy' etc...YET the Lord allowed trials into his life. and man...Job had more trials happen to him than i think any of us can ever talk about. it just showed me how even though i can be a 'good guy' or 'like no other woman' etc...God will STILL allow trials and truly bad things to happen...BUT...it's important to read the ENTIRE book of Job. at the end he was blessed beyond his wildest dreams. more than he ever had been before. so Romans 8:28 rings true in Job, even though it hadn't even been written yet. ALL things work out for GOOD. even though Job was put through the most devestating things in his life, it all worked out for good in the end.

it truly was an encouragement to me. and not only that but Job's heart through all of it. he took those trials and said...the Lord gave and the Lord took away. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD. so through his trials...he was STILL praising God. i mean seriously God took his children's lives. and he was STILL praising the name of the Lord. and he talked how our days are determined. that we have appointed limits that we will not pass. i've read that before, but really only focused on the numbered part. it says the same thing next about appointed limits. but i never 'read' that part i guess. so we have our limits. one day we will reach the limits of our life, and we won't pass them. so i need to live each day as i'm living my last, and reaching my limits. and near the end of the book he was talking to the Lord and was saying how the Lord can do everything. and NO purpose can be withheld from Him. it spoke to me that God can do everything...and that He will do it. that no purpose of God's will be withheld. so regardless of if i think God can or can't do anything...it's not true. He can do everything...BUT He also has a purpose to His doings.

the thing I want God to do...may not be the purpose He has already set forth. and really, i'll be honest. it's been a long few weeks for me. harder than around christmas. ((christmas time was the due date to our baby we lost in may)) this week or so is the due for the baby boy we lost in august. i don't know if it makes it harder now knowing he was a boy. but it's been hard. and honestly...i've been keeping it all inside. mainly because i just figure, no one else remembers anyways that i was due now. why should i bring it up to them. and i'm pregnant again anyhow. but it's not anyhow. it was my baby. he reached his 'limits' far earlier than i had thought he would. and he's at home...in God's arms. not that any of that makes it 'easier' to deal with. but it's so reassuring to have the hope of seeing him again. so even though i prayed and prayed for our little baby back in august to be born fine. and here on this earth, it wasn't God's purpose. God could have allowed our baby to live here on earth, but that was NOT God's purpose. God's purpose was to bring me through a crazy trial...only to bless me in the end.

i've been blessed with a baby girl, who would've not been born had i had our baby boy. not that i didn't want him, but i'm looking at God's hand in all of it. so i'm so extremely blessed to be having this baby. this baby is God's purpose for our family. and i'm excited to see what He is going to do with her and with our family.

and while i'm rambling. i'll share a bit. this summer...was pure...for lack of any other word hell. mostly self induced i'd say. sure God placed me through the trials of losing the babies, but i took it upon myself to deal with it. i leaned on God when it got the worst...but when it was only just bad...i quit leaning quite as hard. i truly and honestly believe God has a purpose for my life. and my purpose was not any of the things i thought this summer. i listened to way too many lies from the enemy. way too many. can i be brutally honest and share that had not dustin been in the van with me one day...i was seriously considering driving head on into a semi. yeah. that's how low i was. yet at the split second i seriously considered it, i mean i had considered it before, but always told myself how dumb i was being. that time i wasn't telling myself that. but GOD did. God gently whispered in my ear and i realized how broken i was. not dumb. (well it IS dumb, but God is a bit nicer to me, than i am myself) and it was the last day i felt so seriously about something.

i tried to hide my feelings a lot over summer. mainly because as a Christian i think sometimes you feel like you aren't supposed to feel bad. or depressed. or that you can't feel those feelings because God doesn't want you feeling that way. well it is true He doesn't want you feeling that way, but the truth is...the enemy does. and when you let the enemy win in your heart and mind...those are the feelings you feel. and i felt those. for way too long.

i can't tell you 'when' those feelings left. it was a slow and long process for me. it was me realizing how much the enemy played me and i let him. it was me realizing how i was trying to do things myself and not with God's help. slowly but surely i 'got better'. and slowly but surely i realized how i could've felt a lot better faster had i shared these feelings. the one thing that 'held me back' was feeling like i couldn't, therefore shouldn't feel these feelings. and really, for me, that's so untrue. i can feel those things. and i will feel those things. it's what i DO with those feelings that really matters.

God saw me through my darkest darkest darkest time. He never once left me. I left Him. i am the one who quit trusting in Him as much as i should. i am the one who said, don't worry..i can handle it. when the truth is, i couldn't. no way. it wasn't until i realized what i was doing, that i went back to God. and the great thing is He was right where i left him. He never left. He was waiting there...with open arms. taking me back. wiping my tears. telling me how it was truly alright. God will never leave nor forsake you. it's me who left Him. but God is cooler than any person on this earth...He takes me back. without question. without condemnation. and for that...i'm grateful.

i truly had not intended to post this today. but i feel that God finally let my heart be willing to share it today. if you could look back at my 'unpublished' posts...you'd see i started a post about this in december. but for some reason, or rather God's purpose, He's allowed me to post it today. to speak to someone's heart.

thanks for sticking with me. thanks for the prayers. and thanks for letting me be real. :0)

22 loving words from you.:

C.C. and Double T said...

Thank you for your honesty, Amanda. This indeed spoke to me this morning. I have listened to many of Satan's lies for the past several months, and I am sick of the control he has had over my life. You are SO right about feelings. It is okay to feel them, but it is not always okay to act on them, at least when they are not in line with God's word and His will. Thank you again for being so open and honest, my friend. I needed this.

Kelli @ RTSM said...

I think you being real is the best part about you! I love that you share so openly about stuff that was and is obviously hard for you to go through. I have been in the same kind of places in my life before, and it is hard to see the truth when you are in the middle of it all! So glad you did:) I hope your week gets better!

Kristin said...

I am so glad that God brought you through that time. That's what He does best!! We had a great sermon week before last on facing our giants and learning to recognize the lies of the enemy so God's truth can win out, and how we have to remember our God stories....the times He's brought us through. This will be one of your God stories. And He always brings us through things that we couldn't possibly bring ourselves through, because that is a testimony to His power. And being able to share those times with others can be your ministry. You just never know who you might be helping!

SMALLS said...

Amanda- I'm by no means religious. I'm not even sure if I believe in God but I do believe in faith. You are not alone in feeling so low that you almost can't take it anymore. So many of us moms put so much pressure on ourselves to portray a perfect life to the outside world when we are messed up inside. I hope you've learned that it's okay to not appear "put together" all the time as most of us aren't either! Even though I don't know you very well, I think you are a super mom and wonderful human being. Keep keepin' on! You will be rewarded for it in the end.

Jen said...

(((Hugs))) to you, my friend. We've all been to places when we quit leaning on God, thinking we're smarter and all that....isn't He gracious to welcome us with open arms when we realize that we can't do a THING in our own strength!

christy rose said...

You are so sweet to share such deep and intimate things of your heart here so that others can recognize that we are not alone, we all go through hard things that we feel are going to overtake us, and it is only as we lean upon His strength in our lives that we even have the possibility of getting through this stuff. I know that you have no idea how many people that you are going to touch with this testimony here. You are being used by the Spirit of God to reach the brokenhearted and give them hope.

Amanda said...

Hugs mama, you know I understand. And I know you understand. I don't need to say more! Wish I was closer so we could understand together!

My word is sforkin....is that like sporking? :D

Veronica said...

Amanda...you know I always love you being real and sharing what's on your heart. I can relate in that many a times I can be my own worst enemy. I let the devil talk to me and tell me a whole bunch of things that I know aren't true. Before I know it, I feel like I'm drowning and no one can save me. It's a that point I sometimes start to think that things are so far gone, I can't even take them to the Lord. That is such a lie and one that the enemy tries to tell me to convince me to give up.

I am so thankful to know the Lord and even though I'm not the "perfect Christian," I'm thankful that the Lord loves me and takes me back even when I've gone a made a big ole mess of things.

I'll be praying for you and whatever the situation is that you're facing. I know things have been super hard over the last year but I know the Lord will give you the strength you need to get through.

Love you, my friend!

Fox Family said...

Again, I am so proud of you for being honest! That is not always an easy thing to do. I also agree that sometimes some things should be omitted from the blog for the sake of our privacy. If that even makes any sense I will never know. Regardless, I will be praying, and I hope that whatever is wrong will soon pass the way that you want it to all work out. After losing our baby I found myself in some not so great situations, and I am working on fixing all that now. Crazy how much I can relate to all this! Good luck, and you have my email if you ever feel like chatting!

-stephanie- said...

I'm glad you listened to God and not the enemy. Your honesty is very encouraging.

See you soon! :o)

My word verification is dingie.
We all get that way at one time or another when we don't follow God's way. :o)

Stephanie said...

Oh Amanda...thank you so much for your honesty. Why do we so often feel as Christians that we have to put on a happy face at all times? I've been struggling with some depression lately and, for a while, I just hid it because I felt like a failure if I admitted it. My mom and my hubby have been a huge support, but it's also been so helpful to blog about some of my struggles as a mom and wife and realize I'm not alone. It helps to know I'm not the only Christian mom who has hard times and struggles to trust Him and let Him be in control. But, even more so, I've been reminded lately that I'm never really alone at all, even when I'm not connected to other moms with the same struggles...because He is ALWAYS there. He never leaves me or forsakes me. Having said that...every day I have to be reminded and I often forget, over and over. I'll be praying for you - and I have so appreciated your prayers and encouragement too.

Stephanie said...

One more thing..."Be gone, Satan...cuz you're NOT wanted here anymore." God wins - the end ;)

carissa @ lowercase letters said...

i can't imagine how hard and devastating it is to lose a baby. and you've lost more than one. i admire your faith and your realness. it's beautiful to see how God brings beauty from the ashes. He amazes me! praying for you sweet girl!

April said...

I am sorry this time has been hard for you. I am glad you are finding comfort in God's word and his healing touch.


Cheryl said...

I have read your post, but not the other's comments. I too, am a Christian and our beloved son died at the age of 17 months old when he tried to get out of his crib and got his neck caught.

I too have been in a slump and quite down--scared to use the word depressed, but that is probably it. These times seem to come and go for me...

I also feel as though when you are a Christian you have to kind of put up a front before others sometimes because you don't want people to realize that you hurt so much.

I also have to be strong for my other children (one child who we would not have if it wasn't for the fact that Caleb died) and my husband.

I have relied on the Lord so much in the past year and a half. My God is bigger because I've needed Him more, as Joni Tada Erikson has said. It doesn't mean that we are without emotions.

I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you can find rest in your home, life and in Him most of all.

With love and hope,

He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; His understanding has no limit. Psalm 147: 3-5

Alicia said...

Amanda, so many times, we as believers will still fall into the enemies trap. I'm so glad though that the Lord brings us out of those situations, and in the end, He is glorified by it. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

You did go through so much in the last year, and the enemy tries to find a foothold in our trials. Praise God that He who is in me (and you) is greater than he who is in the world.

~*Michelle*~ said...

Always on my heart and in my prayers......I know all so well the pain/confusion. I also know how trying to work it all out myself only brings me into a darker place. Only until I started looking UP is when I started to see the Light at the end of the tunnel.

I still grieve about the babies I have never met.....but like you said.....can't wait to hold them all in Heaven at the feet of Jesus!

He & Me + 3 said...

Thank you for sharing your heart...it is amazing and mind boggling how much God loves us & sees us through every area of our lives. He is always waiting for us to come home with outstretched arms...waiting to love on us.
That to me is AWESOME!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

I am so glad that you shared your heart....I love real people....After a hard week, spending a relaxing hour of blog hopping.

So glad I stopped by your blog. Happy Easter

{:miss v:} said...

I'm so sorry you had such a rough time last summer. But I'm glad that the Lord saw you through it all.

I'll be praying for you and that you keep your eyes on Him during whatever it is that you're facing. Thanks for being real.

Holly said...

I'm very glad that the book of Job is in the bible. It's a great resource when going through trials.

I know I'm so glad that God is with us always and never leaves us, even when He doesn't feel close. He's always there!

There's no doubt people won't remember the due dates of your babies but you do! Our babies will always be in our hearts, no matter how long they were with us here on earth. It's easy for people to remember Carleigh b/c she was here and we have tangible reminders of her. But we don't for our other baby Jordan and he was gone much sooner than Carleigh and year before. But I always think of him on the day he left and in July when he would've been due and I do something special like light a candle.

heidi said...

Hey Amanda - sorry that you have been going through such a rough patch. I do hope that you find the answers and comfort you are seeking.

Congrats on the impending arrival of the new baby!