the raw emotion

well. i have been MIA since about friday...here anyways. and pretty much on all your blogs too. it's been one of those weeks. and it's only wednesday! i really want to only ask for prayer requests for myself and the situation, without going into details. things aren't worked out with it all, and i guess even though i do share a lot of things...there are some things i don't. you just don't know it. but this is a thing that needs prayer and that's why i'm asking. but it also has to do with something i prayed about, God layed on my heart this weekend. and it's about being so busy ALL THE TIME. and what i need to just 'let go'. i really feel His confirmation in it, and i'm just praying it is that. and truly...i already feel 'less stressed' about the busy-ness. and am thinking it's the answer i was looking for. truly NOT the answer i was expecting, but an answer nonetheless.

i've dove into the Bible in the book of Job yesterday, and something that never had caught my attention before totally did. i have previously read the book of Job, we go through the Bible verse by verse at church and Job was awhile ago already. what caught my eye at the beginning was the Lord and satan talking about Job. and the Lord told satan how Job was like no other man. ((i'm totally paraphrasing)) and that Job was a 'good guy' etc...YET the Lord allowed trials into his life. and man...Job had more trials happen to him than i think any of us can ever talk about. it just showed me how even though i can be a 'good guy' or 'like no other woman' etc...God will STILL allow trials and truly bad things to happen...BUT...it's important to read the ENTIRE book of Job. at the end he was blessed beyond his wildest dreams. more than he ever had been before. so Romans 8:28 rings true in Job, even though it hadn't even been written yet. ALL things work out for GOOD. even though Job was put through the most devestating things in his life, it all worked out for good in the end.

it truly was an encouragement to me. and not only that but Job's heart through all of it. he took those trials and said...the Lord gave and the Lord took away. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD. so through his trials...he was STILL praising God. i mean seriously God took his children's lives. and he was STILL praising the name of the Lord. and he talked how our days are determined. that we have appointed limits that we will not pass. i've read that before, but really only focused on the numbered part. it says the same thing next about appointed limits. but i never 'read' that part i guess. so we have our limits. one day we will reach the limits of our life, and we won't pass them. so i need to live each day as i'm living my last, and reaching my limits. and near the end of the book he was talking to the Lord and was saying how the Lord can do everything. and NO purpose can be withheld from Him. it spoke to me that God can do everything...and that He will do it. that no purpose of God's will be withheld. so regardless of if i think God can or can't do anything...it's not true. He can do everything...BUT He also has a purpose to His doings.

the thing I want God to do...may not be the purpose He has already set forth. and really, i'll be honest. it's been a long few weeks for me. harder than around christmas. ((christmas time was the due date to our baby we lost in may)) this week or so is the due for the baby boy we lost in august. i don't know if it makes it harder now knowing he was a boy. but it's been hard. and honestly...i've been keeping it all inside. mainly because i just figure, no one else remembers anyways that i was due now. why should i bring it up to them. and i'm pregnant again anyhow. but it's not anyhow. it was my baby. he reached his 'limits' far earlier than i had thought he would. and he's at home...in God's arms. not that any of that makes it 'easier' to deal with. but it's so reassuring to have the hope of seeing him again. so even though i prayed and prayed for our little baby back in august to be born fine. and here on this earth, it wasn't God's purpose. God could have allowed our baby to live here on earth, but that was NOT God's purpose. God's purpose was to bring me through a crazy trial...only to bless me in the end.

i've been blessed with a baby girl, who would've not been born had i had our baby boy. not that i didn't want him, but i'm looking at God's hand in all of it. so i'm so extremely blessed to be having this baby. this baby is God's purpose for our family. and i'm excited to see what He is going to do with her and with our family.

and while i'm rambling. i'll share a bit. this summer...was pure...for lack of any other word hell. mostly self induced i'd say. sure God placed me through the trials of losing the babies, but i took it upon myself to deal with it. i leaned on God when it got the worst...but when it was only just bad...i quit leaning quite as hard. i truly and honestly believe God has a purpose for my life. and my purpose was not any of the things i thought this summer. i listened to way too many lies from the enemy. way too many. can i be brutally honest and share that had not dustin been in the van with me one day...i was seriously considering driving head on into a semi. yeah. that's how low i was. yet at the split second i seriously considered it, i mean i had considered it before, but always told myself how dumb i was being. that time i wasn't telling myself that. but GOD did. God gently whispered in my ear and i realized how broken i was. not dumb. (well it IS dumb, but God is a bit nicer to me, than i am myself) and it was the last day i felt so seriously about something.

i tried to hide my feelings a lot over summer. mainly because as a Christian i think sometimes you feel like you aren't supposed to feel bad. or depressed. or that you can't feel those feelings because God doesn't want you feeling that way. well it is true He doesn't want you feeling that way, but the truth is...the enemy does. and when you let the enemy win in your heart and mind...those are the feelings you feel. and i felt those. for way too long.

i can't tell you 'when' those feelings left. it was a slow and long process for me. it was me realizing how much the enemy played me and i let him. it was me realizing how i was trying to do things myself and not with God's help. slowly but surely i 'got better'. and slowly but surely i realized how i could've felt a lot better faster had i shared these feelings. the one thing that 'held me back' was feeling like i couldn't, therefore shouldn't feel these feelings. and really, for me, that's so untrue. i can feel those things. and i will feel those things. it's what i DO with those feelings that really matters.

God saw me through my darkest darkest darkest time. He never once left me. I left Him. i am the one who quit trusting in Him as much as i should. i am the one who said, don't worry..i can handle it. when the truth is, i couldn't. no way. it wasn't until i realized what i was doing, that i went back to God. and the great thing is He was right where i left him. He never left. He was waiting there...with open arms. taking me back. wiping my tears. telling me how it was truly alright. God will never leave nor forsake you. it's me who left Him. but God is cooler than any person on this earth...He takes me back. without question. without condemnation. and for that...i'm grateful.

i truly had not intended to post this today. but i feel that God finally let my heart be willing to share it today. if you could look back at my 'unpublished' posts...you'd see i started a post about this in december. but for some reason, or rather God's purpose, He's allowed me to post it today. to speak to someone's heart.

thanks for sticking with me. thanks for the prayers. and thanks for letting me be real. :0)