the secret behind this mom

i'll be honest. as i usually am on here. i've thought LONG and hard about writing this post for awhile now. i've written it a thousand and three and a half times in my head. i've thought about what to title it. how to start it. and nothing 'perfect' has come to me. so it's going to be a 'throw it out there and go with it' sort of post. and also i'll throw in this disclaimer...it's probably going to be a long one.

get with it already right? okay...here goes...

for the past two months i've been taking a medicine each night with supper. the medicine is helping me to combat my post partum depression.

there. i've said it. i have/had/am dealing with post partum depression.

it's my little secret i've been 'hiding'. it's my little secret that for months...ruined a lot of my life. brutal honesty remember? it's my little secret that i'm hoping by me sharing will help someone else. it's my little secret that really isn't so little at all...it's huge.

now where to start? what to share? that's the rambling part in me.

i knew something was different at WINGS one day when i was talking to my friend,erin, and saying how i was dealing with baby blues. she said, still? how old is evaleigh. i looked at evaleigh and said 2 1/2 months. she looked at me with concern for her new friend and said, you shouldn't be having baby blues anymore.

honestly, i shrugged it off. and didn't want to admit to her, or myself, or ANYONE that it could be something MORE then just the blues. two weeks later my sweet new friend asked how i was feeling. i said alright. she said any better? i said. hmmm. depends on the day. and that was pretty much that. but i didn't shrug it off as much. mainly because she took the time to care again. and ask how i was doing. so i googled 'baby blues' and realized...those 'blue' feelings *should* go away within a few weeks...WEEKS?! really? it had been MONTHS and i was still feeling blue-ish. ack. i thought. i can handle it.

and 'handle' it i did. ha. about a month later it was just me and one other mom,donna, at our kindergarten play group. and somehow i came unravled and spilled to her just how yucky i had been feeling. she looked at me and said...you need to call your doctor. what? i thought. no i don't. and then i admitted to her, i didn't 'want' to because my doctor always said how 'great' she thought i was at handling my kids. i didn't want to let my doctor down. she smiled at me. and said sister, that's pride talkin'. eeek. it was pride talkin'. so after kindergarten play group, i took the plunge. i made the call.

it wasn't an easy call to make. but i did. it's so weird to say it outloud "i think i have post partum depression". i made the appointment for the next week. it was so surreal, but at the same time, felt so good. i instantly felt like something was going to change.

i'll be honest. i didn't tell shaun i was going. he was good for the first few weeks asking me how i felt, but then of course i was just a jumble of new mom emotions and didn't even KNOW how i felt. and again PRIDE taking over me. and i didn't know how to do it. how do you just say 'dude, i feel like crap'. it's not a conversation we could have over supper. so i didn't tell him. my sweet friend melissa, watched my kiddos for me. ((you see it was much easier to tell her then my own husband, i don't know!)) my doctor, i've said it before, is great. she treated me like a person. and talked to me about things.

it was SO nice to just talk to her. to admit to her how yucky i truly had been. to let out some tears. and admittedly, some laughs. it honestly felt like i was talking to a long time friend. not just my doctor. for THAT i'm grateful. we talked over options. we talked about exercise. meds. nothing. i knew i didn't want to do nothing. i KNEW i was not myself. so my RX was to exercise twice a week if i could. and i took a perscription for meds. the best part about it, she told me, i can give you this and if you don't want to take it, don't. i liked that it wasn't ohhh you're 'depressed' here...take some meds. bye. she sat with me for over a half hour. talking and making me feel like i mattered.

so i took the perscription. and have been taking my meds. and as they have helped me to feel more like myself again...i realized just how much i wasn't myself for MONTHS. maybe longer.

i truly think that i was battling and never fully got over my depression from the two miscarriage in 2009. (one in may and one in august for anyone who doesn't know that story) i've fully admitted here that i was in a DAAAAARRRRK place. i fully admitted that had it not been for my precious son in the car with me, i would've driven head on into a semi's path. but then i thought i got over all that. things were looking good. God blessed us with another healthy pregnancy. a pretty uneventful pregnancy. and a crazy labor and birth, but in the end a beautiful daughter. it was all good.

til a week after i had evaleigh. i remember finding out that a friend of mine had gone to the hospital to have her baby boy...only to find out when they got there...there was not a heart beat. she had to give birth to her precious son...stillborn. i bawled. i more then bawled. i broke down more then one time about it. how unfair to have someone deal with that. how unfair that i had a healthy baby and she didn't. how unfair that she got to hold her baby and 'say' goodbye to him and i never got that chance with mine. it just broke my heart knowing the emotions she probably was feeling. and yet...i found myself jealous of her. that she at least got to see her baby. here i had my precious baby girl...and i was missing my other babies. was i crazy?! i got mad at myself for being so selfish. i got irritated at myself because i wasn't happy with what i had been given.

i worked through those feelings. yet i didn't. i know that doesn't make much sense. but i was dealing and grieving the loses of my babies all over again. it took me awhile. but i fully grieved them. do i miss them yet. oh of course. but i have 'accepted' their deaths with a much different heart. i can't explain it. and it's interesting because i really can't even explain how i was feeling.

i pulled away a ton from my blog during the past few months. mainly because i didn't want to accidentally 'spill my secret'. i didn't want to read many blogs either. i didn't want to find out anything bad. i didn't want to know anything more bad. i already felt bad enough...i didn't want to feel bad about anything more. and unless you've been in a place like that, you may not even understand that. and i don't have the words to explain it. because i don't even know why i did some of the things i did.

not only did i pull away from most of my blog friends, i pulled away from my in person friends too. one that was dealing with a 'bad thing' especially. looking back now, i know it wasn't a very good 'friend' thing to do at all. but i can't change what i did. and i wasn't myself. i hate what happened, and i've pretty much all but ruined the friendship because of it. BUT i can't change things that happened. i can only move forward. and that has been my goal. to move forward. to let things happen and not to feel bad about what did happen anymore. i can't pull myself down. i can only keep gaining the strength to stand tall.

on top of my friendships being pretty minimal...my marriage was too. i pulled away from shaun. talked when i needed to, but other then that just left it be. thankfully we didn't fight much. but we didn't grow much either.

my kids. wow. if kids could fire their moms. i would've been tossed out to the wolves. i yelled more then i should've. i was a parent. not a mom. i did what i needed. and all but ignored being fun and exciting. i hate it admitting that. but it's the disgusting truth behind my depression.

my house. ha. thankfully i don't have many people over to my house. because i would've needed days to get it cleaned up for their arrival. laundry was piled (higher then normal). dishes were not done by me, thankfully i have a very helpful husband. papers, magazines, etc. littered the table. the cupboards the floors. basically i didn't do much of anything. i lived. and that was that. ((my house is never usually spic and span, but this was truly my worst of my worst of my absolute worst in housekeeping skills))

we also had a lot going on within our marriage and family with our church. and because i don't think it needs to be shared, in the end, after MUCH prayer we left our church. but it also had me dealing with a lot of emotions that come along with doing something like that. and even more so the things that were or were not said and done because of our obedience to the calling God placed on us. for that reason is the only reason we left the church we were attending.

and then God. i wasn't mad at God. i wasn't thinking to pull away from God. if nothing else on most days it was Him that i clung to. that i begged to change me. in the same sense i never wanted to admit my depression. because as a Christian i think there is this stigma that goes along with it, that you 'always' have to be happy. that you can NOT feel depressed. i had pretty much heard that preached a few times. and if nothing else it made me feel worse. i can feel depressed. i was feeling depressed. but i *shouldn't* be. i should pray and it will be all better.

except it's not. it wasn't. things didn't get better with only prayer. and i fully believe that sometimes it can and does work that way. but for me it didn't. it wasn't that i didn't think God could do it. it wasn't that He didn't want to do it. it wasn't because i didn't have 'strong enough faith', it was because God had a different plan for me. He wanted me to admit outloud. to work through things that needed working through. to be able to have more of a story to share.

and sharing i am. as a Christian i was depressed. because you are a Christian it doesn't make your life all roses and chocolate. life is still life. i just have God to cling to through those weeds and garbage. it doesn't make it any 'easier' as a Christian, but it gave me something to hope for. you can feel 'bad' as a Christian. you can be depressed as a Christian. and guess what?! the bestest part...is that it is 100% completely FINE! you won't go to hell feeling that way. you won't get disowned by God feeling that way. because He STILL loves you. He still holds you. He gets you through it with His ever loving grace.

i remember sitting in the car the day after thanksgiving with my mom and sister nursing evaleigh. we were talking and all of a sudden i realized that i was sharing too much. and said. fine okay. the other week i went to my doctor and i'm taking medicine. guess what? they didn't stare at me like i had five heads. they didn't bash me for being 'real' and doing something about my depression. they cared about me. and even though they didn't say much, it said more to me then anything else words could've said. ((my sister did say one thing, she said she *thought* something was wrong, and that she felt bad she didn't ask/say anything. so my advice to anyone...even if you only *think* it...it doesn't hurt to ask or say anything)) it felt good to tell them. and really up until now, only a few close friends know 'the truth'.

and of course shaun. this is a sort of humorous story...the day i went to the dr. the kids told shaun how they played at melissa's house. then i said...i went to the doctor. ((enter in shaun pale faced. stuttering...in shock...)) he asked why? i looked at him and said because i was sick of feeling like crap. ((a brief moment of relief passed over his face)) oh. he said...with a ton of concern...but then he said...i thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant! i busted up laughing. i pretty much gave the guy a heart attack. here we had an almost 4 month old...and he thought i was pregnant already. afterwards it opened up the door for us to talk. for me to apologize for not telling him sooner. but it was a nice talk. i'm more open with him about things.

and the meds are working. i care again. i'm myself again. i'm a mom again. i'm a friend again. i'm the person i need to be again. i'm the blogger i want to be again. and gosh darn...it feels so good.

i'm sharing this to not get sympathy. but to share it with you to not feel ashamed. to know it's okay to feel yucky. but when that yucky feeling lasts too long...to do something about it. my only regret is that i took so long to do something. but yet i know that it was God's work in my heart through things to 'wait'.

this is a journey that i never intended on taking. but one i'm so very thankful for. i pray that you can be spoken to by this. and pray that if you need someone to talk to you...that you know i'd love to talk to you.
thanks for being here. i love you guys more then you'll ever know. and only in a way you know. all those non-bloggers have no idea how people who have never met, and most likely never will, can feel so much love for each other.

thanks for reading.