i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Monday, February 07, 2011

where to go from here?

wow. sorry i've taken so long to get back on. the day after my last post, my email was hacked and it took awhile to get that back...and i've just been beyond crazy busy.

but here i am.

i don't think i can just post a post like the one before this and 'forget it'. so here's my follow up.

where to go from here. where to go since finally admitting what's happened to me. to my life. to my family. to my friends.

the answer....

the wife in me...well that's an easy thing to move forward with. i'm so very thankful shaun and i have been doing our weekly 'couples' devotional for the past 2 years. ((maybe longer? i don't rememeber...whatever)) it's opened up SO many doors for us to talk about things. and even though i didn't come to him right away, we were still able to talk through things. he said to me the other day how he's noticed i'm "like i used to be". it's so funny because neither of us realized i wasn't who i was...til i'm what i used to be like again. weird. but good.

the mom in me....oh it's so nice to be the mom i need to be again. the mom i truly desire to be. to not be screaming at my kids for dumb little things. to not be sitting on my computer...basically...ignoring them. or to not just 'check out' on them. ahhh. if nothing else...i'm the most thankful for this. to be a mom again. to spend time with my kids and enjoy each and every minute. even the attempts at throwing fits on the floor of Lowe's. :) which thankfully...choices were made by the said fit thrower...to stop the fit. and we all moved on.

the housekeeper in me. well...i've never been the perfect housekeeper. but thankfully even THAT is getting better. i've been purging. a TON of stuff. school stuff i bought out of compulsion or a 'good deal' that i truly won't use. toys that my kids don't need. clothes we don't need. ((i've also joined our local gym that just opened and attribute my energy to that as well!)) so it's getting better. the house is turning into the house i've wanted it to. for years now. :)

the friend in me. i think this is the one that's the hardest to 'go on from'. i have to remember and remind myself that the past isn't changeable. things were done/not done/said/not said/written/not written but i can't change any of them. i'm so thankful for the friends that have stuck through this with me. that have forgiven me for the friend i was ((or rather wasn't being!)) and for understanding even when it isn't understandable. and for that one sweet friend for going on a fantastic trip to california with me.  ((that truly helped me in more ways than one!)) and i know many more friends would've loved to join us. lol. i've been so thankful for our new church friends too. to be able to make friends un-depressed. and to be able to be open and honest and 100% straight forward from the get go.

i've learned over the past few months and years how i sometimes tend to cater to people's emotions. and in turn, it's only made me hold in some things that should've been talked about or shared. it's made me a better friend i think to not 'cater' to people's feelings. to be able to be honest and straight forward. to be willing to say...hey that shirt is sort of not pretty. because it's the friends that i want. i want you to tell me...dude quit being a jerk. or if my shirt is ugly. or if i'm stepping out of line. i think that has to be the most important part of a friendship. the honesty and open-ness. of course it has to be done all in love as well. and all of those things can...and should be spoken in love.

to be able to cry together. laugh together. sit and not talk...but say a thousand words in the silence. to be real. is what i want. it's what i need. i'm not one for confrontation...at all. but i've noticed once we've worked through the issues...my friendships have only gotten stronger. once we've said what's needed to be said and worked through those things...my friendships have only gotten stronger. and i'm so thankful for those friends that have confronted and worked through things with me. that have said what needed to be said...and got stronger with me.

where to go from there with that...well it's only forward. i am not going back to what i was. ((thank God for His mercies that are new every morning)) sure i'll stumble. sure i'll be slower some days then others. but i'm only moving forward. looking forward.  it's fun to remember the past. the past holds so many more sweet memories then bad ones. though i can only hold them in my head and in my heart. and look forward to making new memories to join those.

i look forward to being that cute little old lady talking about crazy walks around islands, hu hot dates and ocean water drinks, people watching in the mall, the spice girls movie, loser trophies, staying up all night and trying to fly, my sancho in california, and explosive baby wipes. no one will understand what i'm talking about (and most of you don't now either! lol) ...but i'll be smiling away (and am smiling and crying now) at all the sweet memories i've been blessed to be given.

all i know is over the past months i've cried more tears then i've ever cried. over things that matter so much to me it's crazy. and over things that at the time seemed so important and now are so ridiculous. ((i cried because i lost shaun's sweetest day cards. like bawled. ridiculous)) and what makes me smile. is knowing that God holds each tear i cry in His hand. that He knows the desires of my heart. that He wants to give me those desires. that He knows my heart. that He sees the good and the bad and He still LOVES me. that He willingly forgives me if i'm willing to confess my sins to Him. yesterday we had communion at church and it felt so good to sit at His table and pour out my heart to Him and remember the sacrifice He was so willing to give up for me. for you. for us. a sacrifice we don't deserve one single bit.

so yeah. i guess really, it is what it is. because...well it is. and even though i don't like a lot of what happened in my life, it IS. so i'm going on from here. moving forward. remembering the good. and the bad. and growing from all of it. letting God show me the path He wants me on. being obedient to His calling. His plan. and enjoying the ride He has me on.

so to answer the question i've posed to my self...where to go from here? forward. and the question i pose to you...wanna join me? :) because i'd sure love it if you could. if you want to. let's just promise each other one thing...let's be real. open and honest with each other. i promise to tell you if what you're doing isn't okay. if you promise to tell me...dude...that is not okay!! ((you don't have to call me dude if you don't want, but i do want you to tell me)) and i promise to tell you if i'm not doing okay. just let me know if you aren't either. i also will tell you if that shirt ain't so pretty. ;) because friends, that's what friends do for each other. we support each other. we love each other. we're open and honest with each other in love. and sure it hurts sometimes to hear things we don't *want* to hear...but in the end...it's what we *needed* to hear. i can't wait to see what God has for us. i think of each one of you as a friend. i "talk" to some of you more than others. (and some of you may read this and i don't even know because we've never actually communicated)  but know that as i go about my day i think of each one of you reading this and pray that somehow i've blessed you. or showed you something through this silly little blog. most important i pray that you can see God through this all.

as i read the comments and the emails some of you sent me. i cried. a good cry. a cry to know that somehow my disgusting story was doing some good...and in the end...realized my story wasn't so disgusting at all. it was MY story. and it was one worth sharing. so i thank you for taking the time to share your hearts with me. because i love to share mine with you...

and i promise to not go so long between posts this time!! :)

10 loving words from you.:

Stephanie said...

Dear Amanda,


That is all. ;)

Well, and I am SO glad you are my friend, that you are honest and open, that you care, really care, and that you love me even when I'M unloveable too.

Good friends are so wonderful!

And, someday, when we're old and gray, I'll be laughing right along with you. ;)

Your friend and sister in Christ,

He & Me + 3 said...


That is what I have always appreciated about you is your honesty. I am glad that you are doing better and that you are feeling better. Not being yourself is a tough place to be. I have been there and sometimes deal with it still on occasion...since my thyroid cancer. It is hard to not be who you used to be...
Just sayin that I understand.

Veronica said...

So I'm sitting here smiling to myself because reading this post has some pieces that only a couple of us really "get," lol!

I love your heart and love your desire to be real. That's exactly how I feel about things. Phoney people aren't genuine people. They're just living in their own little world and not even being real with themselves.

I'm so glad to know you and this might sounds so strange, but I've always gotten a better feel for what's on your heart by reading your words much more than even getting to see you in person and hearing you speak.

Thanks for being you! I'm glad to have you as my friend!

christy rose said...

What an encouragement that you are!! It is so wonderful to see what God has and is doing in your life as you surrender it to Him, being honest and real. That is the only way He can truly help us is when we are honest enough to acknowledge our need for Him and trust Him to bring us through. You are truly a blessing to many!!

Kristin said...


You are so precious and as I read this post, I just thought, "that's what He was up to!" Sometimes I think the Lord has us go through these rough times because we come out with such a beautiful ministry of His love for us and we come out knowing that He is our redeemer and our story becomes that there isn't anything that cannot be made stronger when we rest in His strength. You know how I love me a good story about hope! That's what the Lord always gives us!! Love ya!

By the way, did you ever get my email that I sent? It might've gotten lost when it got hacked into!

Jen said...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: YOU are AWESOME. :-)

I mean that.

Kristin said...

Happy to hear all is well. I was beginning to worry after you shared your heart in the last post and then sort of disappeared. I'm praying that the Lord will heal the past and protect your future. I know He will! Isn't it so wonderful that His mercies are new EVERY morning?!

Angelwingsbaby said...

So glad that things are going so much better.I too struggled with PPD.It can feel like you have been asleep for a long time when it finally passes and the clouds lift.Thank you so much for sharing. ((hugs))

Toyin O. said...

Thanks for sharing:)

Holly said...

I am so glad to read that you are feeling better and more like yourself!!!