i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

just a little intro. :) well maybe not little

okay. well this is my first official blog. hmmm. i guess it is an easier way to blab to no one inparticular and have fun too. :) okay first off i usually never capitalize anything nor do i use commas correctly or probably even periods. so if that irritates you...guess you'll have to quit reading. wanna know some things about me? well from the website i'm guessing you are thinking i am a proud mommy to four. well you're right. i have three precious little girls and now a baby on the way. amelya is 3 breigh will be 2 in june and caitlyn is almost 8 months. i am due officially on november 1st with baby number 4/baby d. there is 15 months between all three of the girls and will be about 13ish months between caitlyn and baby d. if you didn't notice our kids names go abc. we never intended the ab thing then when it happened we figured we couldn't stop it. although we are stopping at d. someone else can finish where we left off. there are plenty of cute e names. f names might be hard...but i'll leave that up to them. we also had a miscarriage before amelya. we got pregnant on our honeymoon...wonder how? :) lol. so we were married less than a month when we found out we were expecting. after the initial "wow" we were super excited and shaun was kissing my belly. then came the 12 week appt in february. there was no heartbeat. i was shocked, sad, a little mad, and cried. a lot. i got a beautiful ultrasound picture of that baby though and after a year or so i even scrapbooked a little book to that baby. while doing the ultrasound they found a cyst on my ovary and i had a laproscopy to remove it. so it hindered our 'trying' abilities for awhile. in may we could start trying again. attempt failed. but in june i was pregnant. i was so happy and scared all in one. every single twinge i figured meant there was no baby. but god answered my prayers and nineish months later in march of 05 i delivered little (well she wasn't so little) amelya. i pushed for three hours and had to have help from the vacuum, and she was nine pounds four ounces. but when i held her in my arms i bawled. i didn't think i would cry. but i did. shaun did too. amelya was absolutely beautiful. i worked before having her and figured i would go back to work with her. i worked at a day care in the infant room. then we went home. then i knew there was no way i could let my own kid cry for as long as i could let other kids cry. i cried for three weeks straight because i didn't want to go back to work. then shaun one day said " then don't ". so i didn't. it was hard to quit because i worked for family. but i KNOW i made the bestest decision i could've EVER made for me and my family. things have been tough...but all so worth it. god has seen us through all of it. without him at the center of my life and my family...i'd be so lost. he's been more faithful then anyone i know. even my husband, shaun. so back to my babies...when amelya was about six months old shaun was crushed underneath corn chopper. praise god he survived with minor injuries. (two punctured lungs, broken ribs and clavical, and a blod clot) he has fully recovered...and it is finally settled with the insurance company. well he was off work for awhile and i said he had minor injuries....which produced little breigh. i was so surprised to be pregnant so quick. i was afraid to tell others. i told my best friend first (after shaun of course) because i had to go have blood taken and HAD to tell someone. then we decided to tell everyone else. so breigh was born in june of 06. the delivery went way quicker and it's on video of me saying 'i just farted her out'. so from one to two went pretty well, not as bad as i thought at all. breigh was even more content then amelya. amelya was a super great big sister. well then when breigh was about seven months old i started feeling sick. and not just with a cold. i had felt this way when i was pregnant the first time. i told shaun and we were going to darboy so i went into walmart and took the test in the bathroom right after i bought it. shaun was in the van with the girls and when i saw pregnant i have to admit, i was everything but excited. i in fact almost cried. i got out to the van and showed shaun the test. and he said. okay. he was excited almost. i felt even worse for not feeling excited. shaun's sister ended up in the hospital the next week and on a trip to see the babies with the girls my friend asked me if that made me want another. well i cannot lie and said...wanna know a secret. she was SO HAPPY for me. she was probably more excited then i was. i was feeling even worse sick so it was hard to be all giddy. but i have to say her excitement and even more so the prayer...meant SO much to me. my pregnancy was a big rollercoaster. i'd be happy one second and wanting to kill the next. our marriage was almost going down the drain...and i didn't even care. shaun and i had lots to deal with. i like to hold things in and not talk about them even more. well of course that's not good. shaun and i had lots of talking to do. we eventually did and that was well after caitlyn was born in sept of 07. caitlyn's delivery was the most different out of all three. shaun and i decided we wanted to do it 'ourselves'. with both amelya and breigh we had lots of people in the room...amelya had: shaun's mom, both sisters, my sister, shaun's aunt (who taped), and two of my aunts. my mom was on her way to mexico when amelya was born. breigh had: my mom. (yay! she even cut the cord), my sister, one of shaun's sisters, (the other one watched amelya), shaun's mom and shaun's aunt video taped again. for some reason i felt the need to want to have a delivery with just shaun. we had talked about c baby being the last and i wanted to have the experience by ourselves. it was a wonderful day together. i was supposed to be induced around 11, but the dr. was in surgery so it was almost 2. then i deliverd caitlyn around 825. i really think that this baby we will do ourselves too. i have to say though caitlyn's delivery was the first one i thought for half a second about getting the epidural. but i said NO i did it twice before i do not need it now. so i didn't. my mom actually got to see her right after she was born though. she was on her way to work on third shift and thought she'd stop by just to check in on us. well she go there in perfect time. she said she heard me scream a little and then heard the baby cry. i got to cut caitlyn's cord too. i left my contacts in for her delivery and it was so nice to see everything right away. with the other two i had my glasses off and am blind as a bat. i really need to talk to shaun to see if he will cut this baby's. we are sure this is "it". and i want to have him have the experience if he wants it. although if i deliver a baby boy...he might just have to be revived!! i think he'd love a little more testostrone in his life. his dad died when he was in eigth grade and his brother was killed when he was four. so he's been around women a lot. i only have a sister....who is getting married in november too...so there'll be a boy there i guess. but regardless of that i think shaun would love a little son. I would love a little son. i would not trade my girls for anything but would love a little boy to round out the crew. i took a 'intelligender' test at 10 weeks and that said boy. soooo we'll see if that is right. i do not think we are going to find out at our ultrasound. we didn't with the girls. i truly LOVE not knowing. not too much in life is a surprise anymore. this is one chance we get. some people say oh i have to plan. well i have to plan too. for a baby. doesn't really matter what sex it is you're stilling planning for a baby. i guses too we didn't plan a big ole theme for the nursery or anything so some people i guess want to do that. i guess i don't care. all i wanted was my baby. some people say as long as it is healthy. but really who cares? i mean i would love a healthy baby but if i didn't have a 'healthy' baby i wouldn't say oh no take it back. we cannot limit god and his choices. a few weeks before caitlyn was born shaun's cousin had a baby who was born without arms from the elbow down. she has a few digits, but no hands. then in walmart someone said to me as long as it has 10 fingers and 10 toes. but really? i would love my baby if it was born with 1000 finger and 12 toes. doesn't really matter. maybe i'm off the wall saying it. but it doesn't matter to me i guess. after losing our first baby, that i would've taken no matter what was 'wrong' with it. i don't care. i have a necklace hanging in our van that we got after my d and c. everyday i look at it and remember my little baby in heaven. some family members probably have forgotten that there even was a first baby. but a mommy doesn't. until you lose a child you may not understand. i don't wish it on anyone either. shaun's cousin died in an accident when i was pregnant with amelya. that was the first time i realized that i never got to hold my baby and watch it grow up. and then i realized how someone who did get to hold their baby and watch him grow up must feel. a thousand times worse then i did. part of me was glad i didn't have to deal with the emotions of holding and letting go of my baby...i just had to let go and know little baby is waiting for me in heaven. along with shaun's dad and brother, and my grandma, and even more importantly JESUS. i remember almost feeling jealous that i never got to meet layne or kyle and my baby did. sometimes i have a hard time dealing with never meeting shaun's dad. part of me feels left out when they all talk about him. one thing i do know is that he was a super awesome man and dad. i sit here trying not to cry as i think about the craziness of it. in a two month period or so he was diagnosed with cancer and it took him over. i try to understand how shaun must feel without his dad around, but know i can't. he has shared so much with me about everything, and everytime i cry. i couldn't imagine being woken up early christmas morning to know that my dad would be going to the hospital when we we're done, and might not come home. he didn't. shaun says he remembers his dad yelling out the window to him when they drove away about taking care of the cows. i laugh because i know shaun would be doing the same thing...worrying about his kids and family before himself. his mom told me once how when he kissed her (a real kiss) and she knew it was the last one. i mean wow. to know something like that has to be so hard. but through it all god is good. and i know some day i will get to meet them and even better spend forever with them. wow. enough with the tears! sorry. i didn't know i'd even get in to all of that. shaun is a super awesome daddy and works way too much. he got a new job this year and has put in lots of hours. his two week paycheck averages over 130 hours. that's way too many. but he pushes through and i know he will be blessed by it. it provides for our family. he truly wants to have his own business with farming stuff. i know god knows it and will give him his heart's desires when it's all in god's timing. god keeps putting him back at holsum for something. he just has to search it out. so i suppose...(i say that a lot) i could keep going...but i just think for now i should stop. so i will. til next time...if there really is anyone who reads it!! :) smiles, loves, and loads of prayers and rainbows....

0 loving words from you.: