tears are okay

ahhh my dearest bestest friend has done it now! she was reading a blog of a blog of mine. that is really how it went...and shared it with me today. she stayed up until five AM reading it. the link is on the side called bring the rain. i recommend reading it from the beginning. i've come to the point where they've lost the baby they knew they were going to lose. i didn't cry much while reading through her pregnancy, they knew from the beginning baby audrey would PROBABLY not live, but prayed that god is god and he could heal her if he wanted too. he choose not to. then i read the letter she wrote to audrey. then i bawled. i bawled because of the baby i never got to hold. i bawled because of the baby it's sisters never get to meet here on earth...i cry now because it hits me again. i have a baby in heaven i feel everyone else doesn't remember. and it's okay. it's okay to bawl...it's okay that maybe only mommies remember those angel babies. it's okay. because god IS god. and he has a perfect plan. and his plan is always good and always perfect. but i still don't know why he took that baby from me. i don't know why he takes any babies from anyone. the child in me wants to scream why mine? but the faith in me knows...it's okay. it knows that i wouldn't have amelya had i been given that baby. and everything seems okay again. i made a scrapbook for my little angel baby. i have only shared it with my scrappin' friend and shaun. i found it when cleaning out the messy room and read it again. the emotions don't go away, they are just hidden until something like that comes about. i have hanging in our van the necklace we got the day i had my d and c. it's just a dove. everytime i look at that the day comes back so vividly. i remember gagging in the shower and getting SO mad that i was, i didn't want to throw up. the baby wasn't alive. it didn't seem worth it to me. i remember crying as shaun and i held each other in the surgery room. i remember asking if they would find out if the baby was a boy or girl (the answer was no). i remember thinking how empty i felt as i left the office. we went to ihop after. i looked at the poke from the iv and that's all i had left. a poke and no baby to take home. just a short memory of a baby i'll meet someday. i don't know how it feels to lose a baby you get to hold, but i sure know how it feels to lose a baby i never got to meet. i think that's what hurts the most. i have to try and imagine it's face, if it was a boy or a girl, if it would have curly hair like its sisters. somehow the other day the baby came up and i got to tell amelya there was a baby meeting us in heaven someday. i'm sure she didn't fully understand, but it felt kind of 'cool' (for lack of a better word) to tell her that. and i can't wait til the day i get to meet him or her. but truthfully from the moment i found out we were pregnant i felt it was a little boy. we'll see if i'm right someday. for now i'm left guessing. sometimes people will say that you miscarry because something was wrong. you know though, i would have given anything to have that baby regardless if 'something was wrong' or not. as a mommy i didn't care. my friend who found that blog said she cried through it too. for her it was different though, her little baby has 'something wrong' her emotions and feelings are so different then mine i am sure while reading it. but i know it spoke to her like it spoke to me. i praise god for using crazy little things like blogs to speak to us. it's okay to be mad. it's okay to be sad. but god. but god does crazy things like that to reveal himself. to show us it's okay, he's in control. i urge you to read the blog on little audrey caroline and know that through it all god still carries us. i'll tell you now to get the kleenex ready. or a shirt. i've been using mine. :) i've cried through most of this post, but now i feel a little better. i could wake shaun up on the couch and try to explain to him my feelings, but he has no idea how i feel. i know that a daddy lost a baby that day too back in february of 2004 but being a mommy is a little different and we all deal with things differently. at first i tried to act like a tough mommy, i tried to go back to work in the infant room the next DAY like 'no big deal'. i couldn't handle it, i shouldn't have went back to work so soon. i cried the entire day but tried to hide it. when september fourth, my due date, came i cried. i cried for the baby i never met, and praising the lord for the baby in my belly (i was pregnant with amelya). every year on the baby's due date i think of it. i pray that i never forget it. i won't. a mommy doesn't forget her baby. ever. i feared delivering caitlyn on sept fourth. i wanted the baby and her to have their own birthdays. i don't know that i really shared that with people when i was close to having caitlyn. and thankfully god answered my prayer and she was born two days later. ahhh. i'm sorry. i haven't really gotten too deep lately so i think this made up for it. but i have to say how nice it feels. to let it out. to people who know me, to people who don't. and maybe to no one at all. but this has helped. so now i'll go wake up shaun and go to bed. and remember my babies all five of them. and remember just how good our god is. all of the time. good night and sweet dreams my sweet sweet friends.