i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Monday, June 01, 2009

just another manic monday...

yep i'm 'old' enough to remember that song. barely. lol. give me a break i was born in 1983! :0)
which makes me 26. doesn't that seem so much older than 25? even though it's only one digit bigger?! okay i don't know where ANY of that came from. sorry. i have come to terms i am only four years from 30.

funny thing is i always said i wanted all my kids by the time i'm 30. i think THAT will be one thing i said i wanted to happen that WILL. lol. unless of course god has different plans. speaking of babies. no i'm not pregnant. yet. :0) but babies have really been on my mind. because last week is over i feel 'better' about talking about it.

last week was the hardest week for me. i'd cry for no reason. my kids were just insane. (maybe there was a full moon or something...) and shaun and i seemed to be 'tiffing' about everything. by the end of the week i was ready to just fall into bed and wake up in a few months. i was exhausted. i was drained. and my relationships with my husband and kids were showing the same effects. BUT god. he saw me through it all. even when it seemed like i couldn't take one more step forward he kept pushing me. pushing me forward and to him.

i think i needed last week. to really really realize i just can't do a bit of it by myself. i wasn't even purposely trying to, it just sort of happened. so as i was up really late on thursday night/super early morning. i was just cleaning and crying and stomping around. ((really mature for 26)) i stopped to check my email. mainly because i was walking by the computer. i didn't think i'd be having anything 'worthwhile' to read at eleven or whatever time it was. but guess what. there WAS. a sweet email that some just 'had' to type. and she didn't even 'know' why i was impressed on her heart. but i know why. GOD. what she typed to me was what i was praying to god about. what i was crying about. what she reminded me was that god doesn't forget, and neither did she.

that's what i really dealt with last week. not forgetting. i know as a mommy i will never ever in my whole life ever, forget that little baby i lovingly held in my fingers. but others may. because there wasn't a baby for them to hold. for them to carry for six weeks. and you know i 'get' that. i am okay with all that. BUT i also want you to know, it's okay to remember and to talk to me about it. about remembering that baby. it doesn't make me feel bad at all to talk about it. it makes me feel so blessed that you remember and want to talk about it. i really missed that baby last week. and on thursday when i got that email it reminded me, not only is it okay to miss the baby, but that someone else remembered our baby. so please. don't feel like you're going to make me cry by asking how i'm doing. and if i do cry. it's okay. if i don't it's okay too. for me it's better to know someone cares, then someone who doesn't know what to say and seems like they all just forgot. does that make sense. i know that when going through a miscarriage people will say, i don't know what to say. i totally understand that. but after going through a miscarriage it really helps when asked 'how are you doing'. at least for me. maybe others who deal with this same not fun thing, don't feel the same way. but i think deep down they do. but i won't put thoughts into others minds.

i hope that all makes sense. and to you who sent me that email. thank you. and know that it was god using you to speak to me. how incredible is THAT!?! super incredible.

so HOW am i doing. i'm doing okay. i'm doing better. i'm dealing. all things i think i should be feeling. i'm not mad. i'm a bit sad. but you know that's okay too. it's okay to miss the baby. it's okay to be sad. BUT with all that i'm also continuing to trust in my god who knows better. who sees the whole masterpiece. and one day i'll get to see that masterpiece. painted with such perfection. and i cannot wait. ((remember we only see a dab of his paintbrush))

my wildtree stuff is all falling into place. be sure to check out my wildtree site. someone asked to 'focus' on my favorite products. so i have a plan to do that. not today. but i will do it. and for those of you in my area, my launch will be next wednesday the 10th from 6-8. contact me if you need directions!

today is mom's group. i haven't been there for two weeks. last week due to the holiday and the week before was the miscarriage. so it will be really nice to go and see everyone again.

which also means i need to get moving!! the kids are finishing up breakfast, watching sesame street. so i need to dress them. and shower myself. and yes my kids eat cereal on the couch while watching tv. and i'm fine with that. :0)

so have a great monday friends!!

24 loving words from you.:

Mom2Valerie said...

oh, amanda...thanks so much for sharing these words from your heart. it's amazing to see that even in your pain you are trusting in God and He is faithful to carry you THROUGH the storms of life. it's words like yours that remind me we serve a God who is BIGGER than anything life brings our way. praying you have a wonderful monday with your little ones!

Jennifer said...

Have fun at your moms group. Things will get better. God bless.

Emily said...

Just letting you know I am still praying for you. Hope all is better soon!

Clementsville: Population of 4! said...

I'm so happy you are doing better. You have been and are still in my prayers! I was born in 84, so we are close in age. I say that because I rarely meet someone close to my age with young kids. I love having kids so young and would not trade any of that for the world!!! I enjoy following you!

Kelli said...

we are still thinking and praying for you! I keep trying to remember it's all in God's plan... Have fun at Moms group, let me know if you want to get together sometime next week! :)

Stephanie said...

I'm so glad to hear that you are doing alright.

I felt so old yesterday when my younger cousin didn't know who Alanis Morisette was. The 90's weren't THAT long ago, were they?!

Martha said...

Am I the only one who doesn't know that song?!? I blame it on my deafness because I am usually "hip" with it :P

I am so glad you are overcoming the tragic experience and using it as a positive testimony to help others :) I think your baby is smiling from above!!

It's great to see you posting again and I know how you feel about the number "30".. My jaw dropped when I realized that I will be married to a 30 year old fella in a few months, that makes ME feel old (giggle) but I'm 22... I'll always be young at heart ;)

Have a great week honey!! Love ya, Martha

Kelli @ RTSM said...

I'm glad you are doing better this week! I have always said I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30...but I only have one year left and I'm not sure I'm going to make it!! Cereal on the couch sounds like breakfast at my house...except mine get poptarts or waffles {with no syrup}!

He And Me + 3 said...

1983? good Lord child...and I do mean child. LOL
I feel ancient being born the decade before. Hee hee
Glad you are feeling a bit better. It gets better, but the memories will always be with you.
Praying for a great day for you today.
Hugs,
mimi

E @ Scottsville said...

Amanda...

You just made my heart smile and my eyes cry. You know why. =0)

That was a beautiful post. You're welcome and I'm glad God knew what my fingers were typing even if I didn't!

***and 1983? Good grief, I'm 1973!***

{{♥ & hugs}}

Erica =0)

Jennifer W. said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels their age...I was born in 76! I'm very glad you are feeling better this week. I'm also glad that God reached out to you in your despair. I can understand the need to validate your baby's life. That was your baby, it was real, and you loved it. Nothing can separate you from that, and I will continue to pray that things get easier.
Jen

Jennifer W. said...

BTW-I love that song! :)
Jen

Veronica said...

Amanda,

I know I must say this every single time I comment, but I am truly glad that I found you through Stephanie. You are one of the most real blogging friends I have. You talk about what most are too afraid to share. I LOVE your heart and your honesty...all of it.

You made me laugh when you talked about how old you are. I am even closer to 30 than you (I'll be 30 in Dec)!

Hope that your business is sooooo succesful. I am so excited for you. I checked out your site a little bit ago, but I will def be back when I have a bit more time. I have a few hats that need to get done today and they will not get done if I keep sitting at this computer:) Hope you have a great week!

mummyof5monsters said...

it doesnt matter how little they were there, mummy doesnt forget... They were still a child to you, YOUR child, you cant just get over that. I lost my son ( 15 weeks pregnant) a little while ago, your post made me cry,in a good way for all our little angel babies, not forgotten..

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I am glad you are feeling better, and allowed yourself that week or more to grieve. You need it, don't you! I am glad things are looking better for you.

mummyof5monsters said...

Tim tams are great, enter my giveaway:)mmm chocolatey...

-stephanie- said...

Moms never forget their babies in heaven, no matter how long it's been. I'll reminisce with you anytime.

Anna said...

Wow, what a beautiful family! Thanks for the comment on the cloth diapers. I'm still working on that with DH, but since we're not even preggo yet I think I have some time. :p

Don't feel bad about your age. I'm a year older and haven't even gotten started on the babies!!!!

Anna said...

PS- I just read the rest of your post...so sorry to hear about the baby. I can't imagine.

Thinking of you....

Julie said...

SO sorry you had a rough week last week. After my miscarriage I had rough months. It's understandable and you need to grieve. I am praying for you.

Sneaky Momma said...

Glad you're feeling a little bit better this week. Hang in there, dear. :)

christy rose said...

Amanda,
It is so understandable to have a rough time after a miscarriage. Yes, you will always remember that you have one more child than what your family reveals in this natural realm, no matter how many kids you end of having. It is a good thing to remember. I also have had a miscarriage. And I think about that baby often and feel excited each time I do because I know the hope I have in seeing he or she in Heaven one day makes me want to leap inside. It feels almost like a present that God is waiting for me to unwrap when I get there. Now, He has one for you too, and every other momma who did not get to give live birth to their child here on this earth.

Hope I encouraged you just a little bit today.

Oh btw, having all your babies close is wonderful for them to grow up together. But saving at least one for when your kids are all a little older and so are you is absolutely a totally different experience that I can not even explain. It is wonderful! I have a totally different aspect of life now that I am 40 and have been able to appreciate more moments of my babies life than I could before, which if you would have asked me if that would be possible when I was younger, i would have told you, "No way!" It is so much fun for all of us, having older kids and a baby.

Keep remembering! Keep expecting! Keep smiling!

Christy

Lara said...

Thank you for that post--it's good to lay it all out. I still think of you often. Before blogging, I felt like the only person my age with such a young brood, but now I see many more like me. I'm 2 months from 27 and let me tell you... THAT'S THREE YEARS AWAY FROM 30! AGHHHH! I can't figure out why 30 freaks me out, but it really does. Oh well, if I'm happy, healthy and alive as are my family and friends- I don't think I'll care about that big 3-0!

Alicia said...

Oh my word....1983, eh??

I just graduated 8th grade that year!! LOL!!!

I'm so glad you're doing better. Of course, you'll have your ups and downs. That's expected...and that's okay!!!!

HUGS, my friend!
Alicia