just another manic monday...

yep i'm 'old' enough to remember that song. barely. lol. give me a break i was born in 1983! :0)
which makes me 26. doesn't that seem so much older than 25? even though it's only one digit bigger?! okay i don't know where ANY of that came from. sorry. i have come to terms i am only four years from 30.

funny thing is i always said i wanted all my kids by the time i'm 30. i think THAT will be one thing i said i wanted to happen that WILL. lol. unless of course god has different plans. speaking of babies. no i'm not pregnant. yet. :0) but babies have really been on my mind. because last week is over i feel 'better' about talking about it.

last week was the hardest week for me. i'd cry for no reason. my kids were just insane. (maybe there was a full moon or something...) and shaun and i seemed to be 'tiffing' about everything. by the end of the week i was ready to just fall into bed and wake up in a few months. i was exhausted. i was drained. and my relationships with my husband and kids were showing the same effects. BUT god. he saw me through it all. even when it seemed like i couldn't take one more step forward he kept pushing me. pushing me forward and to him.

i think i needed last week. to really really realize i just can't do a bit of it by myself. i wasn't even purposely trying to, it just sort of happened. so as i was up really late on thursday night/super early morning. i was just cleaning and crying and stomping around. ((really mature for 26)) i stopped to check my email. mainly because i was walking by the computer. i didn't think i'd be having anything 'worthwhile' to read at eleven or whatever time it was. but guess what. there WAS. a sweet email that some just 'had' to type. and she didn't even 'know' why i was impressed on her heart. but i know why. GOD. what she typed to me was what i was praying to god about. what i was crying about. what she reminded me was that god doesn't forget, and neither did she.

that's what i really dealt with last week. not forgetting. i know as a mommy i will never ever in my whole life ever, forget that little baby i lovingly held in my fingers. but others may. because there wasn't a baby for them to hold. for them to carry for six weeks. and you know i 'get' that. i am okay with all that. BUT i also want you to know, it's okay to remember and to talk to me about it. about remembering that baby. it doesn't make me feel bad at all to talk about it. it makes me feel so blessed that you remember and want to talk about it. i really missed that baby last week. and on thursday when i got that email it reminded me, not only is it okay to miss the baby, but that someone else remembered our baby. so please. don't feel like you're going to make me cry by asking how i'm doing. and if i do cry. it's okay. if i don't it's okay too. for me it's better to know someone cares, then someone who doesn't know what to say and seems like they all just forgot. does that make sense. i know that when going through a miscarriage people will say, i don't know what to say. i totally understand that. but after going through a miscarriage it really helps when asked 'how are you doing'. at least for me. maybe others who deal with this same not fun thing, don't feel the same way. but i think deep down they do. but i won't put thoughts into others minds.

i hope that all makes sense. and to you who sent me that email. thank you. and know that it was god using you to speak to me. how incredible is THAT!?! super incredible.

so HOW am i doing. i'm doing okay. i'm doing better. i'm dealing. all things i think i should be feeling. i'm not mad. i'm a bit sad. but you know that's okay too. it's okay to miss the baby. it's okay to be sad. BUT with all that i'm also continuing to trust in my god who knows better. who sees the whole masterpiece. and one day i'll get to see that masterpiece. painted with such perfection. and i cannot wait. ((remember we only see a dab of his paintbrush))

my wildtree stuff is all falling into place. be sure to check out my wildtree site. someone asked to 'focus' on my favorite products. so i have a plan to do that. not today. but i will do it. and for those of you in my area, my launch will be next wednesday the 10th from 6-8. contact me if you need directions!

today is mom's group. i haven't been there for two weeks. last week due to the holiday and the week before was the miscarriage. so it will be really nice to go and see everyone again.

which also means i need to get moving!! the kids are finishing up breakfast, watching sesame street. so i need to dress them. and shower myself. and yes my kids eat cereal on the couch while watching tv. and i'm fine with that. :0)

so have a great monday friends!!