the post i never wanted to write again.

i'm back. this time not so chipper. i wasn't chipper before. i was anxious. i was scared. i was nervous. this time. i'm sad. i'm heartbroken. i'm at a loss.





you see. i was so excited to share with you that we're pregnant again. i was plotting and planning on how to share it with you. i knew so many of you had and still are praying for us.





i found out on july 21st. i had been feeling pregnant. and was SO excited to finally READ IT! i called my dr the next day. my hcg levels were at 21. on friday they were 46. so the numbers were rising like they should.





this week was 'the' week. i had an ultrasound on wednesday. i was stoked. i was going to see our newest little baby.





only problem was baby wasn't there yet. i was supposed to be six weeks. i was measuring at four. the ultrasound tech didn't seem to concerned. so neither did i. maybe my cycles were a little off because of the miscarriage in may. i don't know. it's what i was praying for.





i saw my doctor after. she seemed more concerned. she basically prepared me for another miscarriage. and to be 'cautiously optimistic'. so i was. i prayed. and prayed some more that the dates were just off. my numbers on wednesday tested at 3734. which is what you should be at around four weeks pregnant. so i figured...it matches up fine. today i had to check them again. today is the day i realize...it's probably not okay. the numbers should double within about 48 hours. my number today was 3974. i knew as soon as the nurse said it...it was not good. at all.





so here i am again asking for your prayers. to get through this again. AGAIN. AGAIN. i can not believe this has happened again. so soon. i was so elated to be pregnant so quickly. and felt such a strange peace and joy about it all. that it was going to all be okay.





you know it will be okay. agian not the okay i was thinking. but still okay. i have no scripture except that with christ all things are possible. with his strength i will get through this again. i'm so thankful for your prayers and continued prayers.





i have to wait to talk to my dr. to see what the next 'step' is. i've been feeling so crappy (sick). i have been sooooo tired. peeing all the time. everything always has seemed so 'normal'. til WHAMO. you're not having a baby. your body has been tricking you into thinking it was all okay. i have had no bleeding. no cramping. no pain. that's the part i HATE. i've had NO SIGNS of this. til. WHAMO. it all hits at once.





i hate it. i really hate it. wanna know what i hate the most. is i bought these super cute maternity shirts on sale this week and can't return them. they sit in front of me. taunting me. making me want to burn them.





so i'll share with you my baby who will be joining two more in heaven...it's only the 'gestational sac'. but i know my baby's in there.

the circle is the gestational sac. the triangle thing is a spot the ultrasound tech thinks was just a 'bleed'. i had her print it this way so i could jokingly tell shaun it was twins. then i saw my dr. and everything changed...

thanks guys. for everything. and i'm sorry to do this to you again.