i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Friday, August 07, 2009

the post i never wanted to write again.

i'm back. this time not so chipper. i wasn't chipper before. i was anxious. i was scared. i was nervous. this time. i'm sad. i'm heartbroken. i'm at a loss.





you see. i was so excited to share with you that we're pregnant again. i was plotting and planning on how to share it with you. i knew so many of you had and still are praying for us.





i found out on july 21st. i had been feeling pregnant. and was SO excited to finally READ IT! i called my dr the next day. my hcg levels were at 21. on friday they were 46. so the numbers were rising like they should.





this week was 'the' week. i had an ultrasound on wednesday. i was stoked. i was going to see our newest little baby.





only problem was baby wasn't there yet. i was supposed to be six weeks. i was measuring at four. the ultrasound tech didn't seem to concerned. so neither did i. maybe my cycles were a little off because of the miscarriage in may. i don't know. it's what i was praying for.





i saw my doctor after. she seemed more concerned. she basically prepared me for another miscarriage. and to be 'cautiously optimistic'. so i was. i prayed. and prayed some more that the dates were just off. my numbers on wednesday tested at 3734. which is what you should be at around four weeks pregnant. so i figured...it matches up fine. today i had to check them again. today is the day i realize...it's probably not okay. the numbers should double within about 48 hours. my number today was 3974. i knew as soon as the nurse said it...it was not good. at all.





so here i am again asking for your prayers. to get through this again. AGAIN. AGAIN. i can not believe this has happened again. so soon. i was so elated to be pregnant so quickly. and felt such a strange peace and joy about it all. that it was going to all be okay.





you know it will be okay. agian not the okay i was thinking. but still okay. i have no scripture except that with christ all things are possible. with his strength i will get through this again. i'm so thankful for your prayers and continued prayers.





i have to wait to talk to my dr. to see what the next 'step' is. i've been feeling so crappy (sick). i have been sooooo tired. peeing all the time. everything always has seemed so 'normal'. til WHAMO. you're not having a baby. your body has been tricking you into thinking it was all okay. i have had no bleeding. no cramping. no pain. that's the part i HATE. i've had NO SIGNS of this. til. WHAMO. it all hits at once.





i hate it. i really hate it. wanna know what i hate the most. is i bought these super cute maternity shirts on sale this week and can't return them. they sit in front of me. taunting me. making me want to burn them.





so i'll share with you my baby who will be joining two more in heaven...it's only the 'gestational sac'. but i know my baby's in there.



the circle is the gestational sac. the triangle thing is a spot the ultrasound tech thinks was just a 'bleed'. i had her print it this way so i could jokingly tell shaun it was twins. then i saw my dr. and everything changed...

thanks guys. for everything. and i'm sorry to do this to you again.

45 loving words from you.:

The Beaver Bunch said...

I am so very sorry. I'm praying.

Meg said...

God Bless Your Heart.

I am so sorry that this is happening again. Just keep in mind that God's plans and ours often differ and it will all work out.

I will pray for you and your lil' angel to be. :)

-stephanie- said...

I'm so sorry Amanda. It's an awful feeling, I know. Only prayer will help, and count on me to pray.

Veronica said...

Amanda...you don't have to be sorry. We are your friends and you know we are here for you no matter what. My heart is aching with you right now and as I read this post I talked to the Lord and asked Him to be with you and Shaun. You will be on my heart, my sweet friend.

I pray that you'll feel His loving arms wrapped around you!

Love you so much!
~V

Samantha @ Mama Notes said...

I'm so sorry!

Jennifer said...

oh my goodness, I'm the one that's sorry. Sorry that you have to endure such heartbreak again....YOU have nothing to be sorry for. ((Hugs))

April said...

Oh Amanda, My heart goes out to you and your family. I can only imagine this being your third, that it is getting harder and harder for you to understand and move forward from. I hope that this is indeed NOT a miscarriage and you will be blessed with another beautiful baby very soon...Baby E :)

Anna said...

There are no good words. You and your family are still in our prayers.

Clementsville: Population of 4! said...

There's nothing I can say right now to make you feel better, but just know that you and your family are in our prayers! Trust in HIM!

Booklover1212 said...

Amanda -

My heart is breaking for you right now. I have no words of comfort except that you are still in my prayers. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.

~ Jennifer
http://thetoyboxyears.blogspot.com/

Nikki said...

*HUGS* to you.

Christie said...

Amanda,

I am so sorry for your loss again. I never wanted you to have to write that kind of post again either. You and your family are in our prayers. ((HUGS))

Emmalie and Aidan's Mom said...

I'm so very sorry Amanda. I too am a member of this awful club and know the devastation all too well. If you ever need to talk, I'm just an email away. Take care of yourself.

Loni

Kelli @ RTSM said...

Amanda, I am so sorry that you are going through this again! I will be thinking of you and praying for you and your family!

Alicia said...

Amanda, why are you apologizing, my friend??

I'm here and I'll be praying too!!

Following HIM said...

My heart BREAKS for you right now! I wish I could take the pain away! It is not fair that you are experiancing this loss. Prayer, love, and hugs coming your way!
~Elyse

christy rose said...

Amanda,
I am hugging you right now! I am so sorry that you are going through this again. I am praying for God's comforting love to surround you today.
Christy

ASHLEY said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Praying for you and your family.

natalee said...

amanda..my heart is breaking for you.. i too misscarried twice (once with twins..) i know the heart ache.. but know that they are angels looking down.. You will get pregnant again..you will keep the baby.. my prayers and heart is with you...Natalee

Mommies-Miracles said...

Oh NO! I'm so sorry to hear this, I will definitely be praying for you!

Chic Mama said...

Sorry to do this to us? Oh honey, don't you be sorry for one single second! I feel for you, having been there before too. There is nothing anyone can say to make it better. Heartache is heartache. You are in my prayers!

He & Me + 3 said...

Oh Amanda...I am so so so sorry. I will be praying for you & that the Lord gives you the desires of your sweet heart.

Emily B said...

I am so sorry. I had a miscarriage at the end of June, at 10.5 weeks. It is such a painful (emotionally and physically) thing to go through. I feel for you... I hope it doesn't happen, but if it does all I can say is, vent when you need to, take support that's offered, let yourself grieve.
*hugs*

Scrapingirl said...

Oh, my Dear. I am so sorry you are going through this again. May God give you peace and comfort. {{{hugs}}}

CycloneMomma said...

I'm so sorry to read this. I've had to experience the pain of 3 miscarriages (2 back to back) and understand the pain you are feeling.

Anna Gray said...

Oh no! I am so sorry Amanda.

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry hon. I'm thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers!!!!

And don't ever think that you need to apologize to us....we're here for support NO MATTER WHAT!

Jessica said...

Amanda.......my heart breaks for you and my eyes are welling up with tears as I read your words. I'm so sorry. Just so sorry. Please know that you're not alone in this. I don't know you, but I feel like I do....and I'm praying. I am. God can and will get you through this. I don't know why this happened to you and your family again, but I do know that He is with you in it. Bless you.

Anonymous said...

Amanda: We don't know each other, but I've read your blog several times, and I can tell that you're a lovely young woman with a big heart and a strong faith. I'm probably old enough to be your mom, and I've experienced the joy of giving birth, the sorrow of miscarrying, and the frustration of infertility. I've been through the highs and the lows of motherhood for nearly 28 years, and was eventually blessed with three children. Believe it or not, time helps heal the hurt you're feeling now. You'll never forget, you'll always feel a sense of loss and "what if" but it WILL get better. I promise! In the meantime, I think this article might be helpful. http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2007/janfeb/9.42.html

*~Angie~* said...

I am so sorry hun. I can only imagine how you must feel right now. You and your family are in my prayers!

Christina@ingallslife said...

oh amanda...i cry for you. i wish that sin had never entered this world and things were as God had planned for them to be. God is still in control. hard to think of at times like these, but you must trust in Him. and let me know if there is anything i can do for you. i am praying for you and the alphabet family. love and hugs are being sent your way.

Jenny said...

So sorry to read of your loss..just stumbled on your blog :)

~*Michelle*~ said...

Oh Amanda...I am so sorry, I wish you would have told me when we spoke. :(

You know I know all too well, the place you are in....it is not an easy place to be and even with Christ by our side, it still is heartbreaking, confusing, and frustrating.

No words can help us filter out why these things happen....I have had six (possibly more) in the past 2-3 years and often ask God to reveal to me why He brings my path this way. Sometimes it becomes clear as He wants me to counsel/witness to others (such as yourself) who are going through this, but sometimes I just want to say.....OK, GOd....enough, I get it! Please don't allow life to be conceived only to take it away within weeks....but after I have my much allowed kicking and screaming.....He comforts me and brings me out of the sadness for the most part.

Give me a call when you want to talk, cry and pray.

xox

Lisa said...

We've lost two and it never gets easier; it never seems OK.

You and the bean are in my prayers! Miracles DO happen!

Chaukie said...

Sorry to hear about your loss. I have been there and know your pain.

Lara said...

Amanda, I am so sorry to read these words. It just breaks my heart. I only have my prayers and virtual hugs to offer. Of course, I'll be praying that your numbers are going up and maybe the lab misread. As I just learned, drs. can misread test results and I really pray that this is what happened. Prayers.

Jennifer W. said...

I'm so sorry, Amanda. I wish there were words to make you feel better, but I don't know any. I can't imagine the pain you must be in. Please know that I am praying for you and your hubby, and stop apologizing! You have nothing to apologize for.
Jen

Mommie Strain said...

So sorry to hear of your loss.. I know exactly what you are going thru , we just lost a baby on May 6th, and I to conviced again right away So far things are ok.. i go to the doctor again on tues to make sure.. We will be praying for you. I know there are no words that can take away the hurt, pain and loss..

Andrea said...

Sorry that this is happening to you again. I have had 3 losses and 1 baby boy. I know the pain you are feeling.

Jane Anne said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry that you have to go through this. I had 2 miscarriages myself. I know some of what you experiencing. And, so, I just said a prayer for you and I will continue to pray. Remember, you are loved.

Bridgette said...

I am so sorry! You are in my prayers.

Julia said...

so sorry you went thru that again. i can't imagine. will be praying for you.

Beth said...

I am so sorry...thinking and praying for you! ♥

Pauline said...

I am so sorry for you and your family. I had my first miscariage after my first born and I was in shock. I could not believe this would happen to me! We waited 3 months just like the doctor said and got pregnant again. We were so excited. Thinking that it would not happen again we told our friends and family (and also so they could pray for us) and at 7 weeks I had another miscariage. I could not believe it. Ok the first time yes but the second time??? After that one we got pregnant again and God blessed us with a beautiful little girl. After she was born we had another baby and had a great pregnancy. He blessed us with another baby boy.We decided to try and have ONE more and at 9 weeks we had another miscariage. He did bless us again with another baby boy. God has blessed me with 4 beautiful children here on earth and I have 3 up in heaven with Him waiting for me. I just have to remember during these hard times that God is GOOD. And He loves us! I will pray for you and your family during this time. God Bless you.
Pauline Rogers

Jessi Dawn said...

Hello my sweet friend,

May God bless that little baby in your womb! May He comfort your heart. And Shaun. And May He give you strength.

Thanks for sharing it all so freely. You touch many lives.

God be with you!! Blessings!! We are praying.

Jess