i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

i'm okay...an update.

hey. sorry it's been so long. it's felt like forever. i've actually been not even turning ON the computer until nap time. it's been a nice relief. i have email and facebook on my phone. so if someone NEEDS me that way...i've had access. ;0) but it's also been nice to not even be distracted by the computer.

so. like i said i'm okay. and i'm confused. my doctor told me last week to prepare for a miscarriage. it hasn't happened yet. i'll be honest, i've been praying for it to just happen instead of having to have the d and c. ((i had that with our first baby...NO FUN!)) and with the last miscarriage it just happened. and as devestating as something like that is...it's a lot 'easier' to go through.

so because nothing happened over the weekend my dr wanted to check my levels today and make sure they were falling. and then if i wanted to she was going to give me cytotec. (cytotec is basically a 'drug' to induce labor, it's what they used when i went in for dustin's birth)

so i got that done today. they just called me a bit ago with the results. the results friday were 3974. today...they were 7770. yeah. i don't know. the levels are not doubling every other day like they 'should' be. but they've gone up. so now i continue to just 'wait and see' and i have an ultrasound scheduled for next week. because last week the sac measured at four weeks. so then i 'should' be six weeks next week. the ultrasound will give us a better 'answers'.

i don't know what to think. i am remaining as neutral as possible. because well...it's the only place to be right now. i maybe should've been that way from the beginning. because i've already 'mourned' this baby...what if i didn't have to? what if god is going to perform a miracle? it's something that i had so many of you say. "i'm praying for a miracle" it's honestly something i read, and went...right. a miracle. when my dr. tells me to prepare for a miscarriage i'm going to think i'm getting a miracle.

how foolish of me. i mean really. god CAN and DOES perform miracles. what if he is right now? what if he's showing those doctor's who's really in control. and i failed him miserabley by not even thinking it was a possibility. i never did. i just thought, how nice of them to say that. but i know it's not going to happen. maybe next time. we'll see. then today when the nurse told me that number. i was like...wait a minute. THAT is not supposed to be that high.

so potentially god is performing a miracle. either way he is or he did. i think each and every single baby is a miracle. it all depends if that miracle gets to live and walk on this earth or in heaven.

i know that not everyone shares each and every miscarriage. or even likely miscarriages. but i want you to know i did it. and i'm not sorry i did. if this child is living in me or already living in heaven...it's still my child. and i WANT to share it with you. with everyone. it's crazy to think that i have SEVEN children. doesn't that sound insane? lol.

so regardless if i get to meet this baby on earth or when i get to heaven...i'm still going to share them with you.

i feel like it's socially 'unacceptable' sometimes to talk about or share miscarriages. people follow some unstated rule that you have to wait until 12 weeks to share the pregnancy...etc etc. i never really followed that rule. most of the time at least someone knew. only a few people knew about this pregnancy at the beginning. mainly because i can't keep my big mouth shut about it. :0) so i had to tell someone. i was planning then on telling everyone after the ultrasound...then i could share the picture and go on our way with it. because afterall the heartbeat isn't the 'end all' to no miscarriages...as we found out last time.

so right now. i feel i should apologize for breaking your hearts...if i didn't need to. because i know how heart wrenching it was to write the words, i can only imagine that it can feel that way reading those words. so i'm sorry. i also don't regret sharing it with you. because i feel like you're all apart of my extended family. you're my blogging family. and family members pray for each other. when you ask me to pray for you...i pray. and i love knowing that it's returned to me as well. prayer is such a powerful powerful thing. and i take great pleasure in praying for you guys as well...even if we never meet on this side of heaven. but man...the other side of heaven is going to be so wonderfully great...

speaking of meeting on THIS side of heaven...lord willing...we're taking a family vacation to connecticut in october. yes like 19 hours in a vehicle. with four kids. :0) but we're excited. if any of you all live on the path from wisconsin to connecticut...let me know. maybe we could set something up to hang out for a bit. or maybe you have some spare room to give us for a night. :0) right. because i know you all have room for six extra people in your houses. we're thinking about stopping one night in a hotel to split the drive up. but plans are not set in stone quite yet. but we're going to go visit michelle. and her family of course. she is nice enough to offer us up her camper to stay in while we're there as well. so that means no hotels to pay for. although i didn't ask what she was going to be charging us...i'm not good at organization either michelle. :0) ((if you go and read her post from yesterday...that comment will make sense))

so like i said nothing is really set in stone. but both shaun and i are excited about going on a vacation. the kids don't quite 'understand' i'm sure. but they're bound to be excited about being strapped in a carseat for 19 hours. i'm sure of it. ;0)

but before october comes august, what's left of it, and september...and shaun has off a few days in two weeks. from monday to wednesday. we had some plans made but they got changed. so instead of shaun cancelling his vacation we decided to plan our own trip. right now we're looking at going to a waterpark hotel in green bay. it's pretty reasonably priced. but no free breakfast. and no kitchen in the rooms that are available. so we may be eating boxed cereal and sandwiches most of the time. it's okay. plus we know of a pizza hut right in the same parking lot as the hotel..so i'm sure we'll order in pizza once...or twice....i'm excited about going. i was bummed when the original plans were changed but we're trying to make the best of it and not take away the vacation that the older girls were excited about. i haven't made reservations yet, but i probably should...before the fun bunkbed room is taken...for the kids..not for us...

so like i said. i'm okay. want to know some fun stuff though. on saturday i was just sitting and praying. and god gave me a song in my heart...first off i LOVE that when that happens. it was refiner's fire. want to know one of the songs played for worship sunday morning at church? you guessed it refiner's fire. ONLY GOD can do that. he is SO personal. one of the lines of the song that hadn't crossed my heart was this line....'ready to do your will'. that's the line that spoke to me on sunday. i'm ready to do your will. whatever will it is. i'm ready. i'm ready to do YOUR will. not YOUR will only if it lines up with MY will. just YOUR will.

on friday night we rented a movie. seven pounds. not too bad. there was minimal swearing, we really need a new tv guardian (bleeps out the swearing). one of the crazy things was that two of the main characters of the movies names. ezra. and emily. it's no secret that our next baby, WHENEVER it comes will have an e name. the crazy part is. ezra and emily are my two favorite names for a girl and boy! when i was reading in ezra in the bible i read the 'introduction' page. it said the book of ezra was showing god's faithfulness. because regardless of it all...god is faithful. even when i'm not. he is. he remain. with his arms open wide. he doesn't stop loving us. ever. never ever ever.

so i just ask for your continued prayers with this whole pregnancy thing. my main prayer is that if it's going to happen. that it just happens naturally. and if it's not going to...then that the pregnancy would continue on greatly.

my ultrasound is scheduled for next week thursday. so i'll know more then. until then i continue to rest in my savior's loving embrace. it feels SO good here.

21 loving words from you.:

Jane Anne said...

It does feel good in his loving embrace. Thanks for that image.

I just said a prayer for you as you wait for the ultrasound. I know this is hard on your emotions. I prayed for your safety, your health, and for God's loving care for your baby.

Jessica said...

Beautiful, Amanda. You sound so good, and I'm so proud of you. I'm still praying for you, regardless of what God has decided will be the outcome.

~*Michelle*~ said...

Praying Praying for God's perfect will in this......and may He get all the glory no matter what He decides is best.


And charging to stay with me? What the heck is that all about??!?!

OK, how about a big plate of nachos prepared for me for one night's stay. How's that?


Veronica said...

Gosh, it's good to hear that things are a bit better. You've been on my mind a lot lately.

What is going on in your life is such a reminder of just how much we need to put our full faith and trust in Him. It's something that is so hard but so necessary. I'm praying that the Lord's will be done and you'll continue to feel His peace no matter what the outcome!

When you mentioned you were going on vacation, I was hoping you were gonna say you're coming to CA, LOL! If you ever do make it this way, my house is tiny, but you know we'd love to have you guys!

Sending more hugs your way...


Amanda said...

Don't feel the need to apologize! You had exciting news and wanted to share it. Just because you got a gloomy outlook doesn't mean you still didn't want to share! We're here for you chicka!

Keeping baby "e" in our prayers, and you as well!

Bridgette said...

I said a prayer for you, and I will continue to pray.

Samantha @ Mama Notes said...

praying and thinking of you mama!

Chic Mama said...

yes, praying for a miracle! And I totally agree with you about sharing about every baby- even the ones that go to heaven without meeting them on earth. They are still our children and deserve to be recognized, celebrated and mourned. Best wishes mama- keep us posted!

Following HIM said...

You have no need to apologize woman! My heart breaks for you to have to go through this. Remember HE has a plan for all of us! HE knows your path and plan already :)

Can you email me your address? I have a card that I want to send you!

Scrapingirl said...

I will be praying for you. And you don't have to apologize. You're sharing news with us. Whether good or bad or somewhere in the middle. We are one big bloggy family that are here for each other.

Jennifer W. said...

You apologize too much, honey! We like knowing what's going on with you, good or bad, and we can only pray specifically if you tell us what to pray for! We will keep praying for a miracle!!

Booklover1212 said...

There is no need to apologize. We're all behind you no matter what happens. I'm just so sorry that you're having to go through this period of uncertainty. I know it would drive me up a WALL! Stay strong and know that you are in my prayers!

~ Jennifer

-stephanie- said...

Been thinking about you and praying for you. Thanks for the update on everything. It helps to know what specifics to pray for. God is doing something big in your life, and it's exciting to hear about it, as you journey along. Not always a fun journey, but if it's God's journey, you can rest assured that it all comes out for good. HUGS

christy rose said...

Amanda, I would say that is good news. No signs of cramping or spotting and your numbers are going up! You are right! You will know more once you have your ultrasound next week. I am praying for you and I believe that God hears our prayers. It does feel good in His embrace, safe and secure!

Alicia said...

Amanda...I will definitely keep praying for you!!!!! I'm so glad for the update, my friend!!!

He & Me + 3 said...

Thank you for your update sweet friend. So great to know a personal God that cares for our every needs and desires. He is still in the miracle business.
I love that song Refiners fire. So powerful!

Lara said...

oh, i'm so happy to hear that your numbers went up. maybe there is a little miracle being preformed on your little miracle! i'll keep praying. also, dont' apolagize for sharing your raw emotions with us. at the time you shared them, you only knew what you knew. i'm thrilled that your numbers went up, but please don't think you're stinging us along. we know you aren't a drama queen and that you share what you're truly feeling. i pray everything with your pregnancy will continue as normal!!!

Lisa said...

Continued prayers!

Verna said...

Praying for you.
Have a great week.

C.C. and Double T said...

I am praying for you...

Maire said...

Hi Amanda~
Although its been quite a few years, I had a miscarriage that took over a month to happen, please don't think I'm saying this will happen to you!
It was heartbreaking, a very anxious time. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please don't apologize for expressing your true feelings.
Hugs Maire