today.

so i have only a few minutes to post. i've been up alllllllllllllllllllllllllllll morning. since like five. with a crying baby. then sleep for a bit. then cry for a long time. then sleep. cry. and now he's sleeping again. it's been a long morning. breigh is content with sesame street for right now. and the other girlies are asleep yet.

i got my ultrasound moved to today. i actually called yesterday because i had two people ask me about progesterone levels and if they were 'good' or 'bad'. ((i had them tested last week. the level was 'okay'. not as high as it 'should' be, but definitely not 'bad' either...it was 10.93. i have not had it tested since last week))

because two completely different people asked me about it, i decided to call. only because then i would feel better and not wonder. well my dr. is on vacation or something. so the dr. on call ((who i've only heard GOOD things about...*whew*)) said 'the numbers aren't rising appropriately...you can come in earlier for an ultrasound to check viability'

the nurse who called me was super nice. and called me hun. sometimes that weirds me out, but it didn't with her. so i got in. today. at one.

it's so crazy. because since i found out i've been struggling with feeling SO scared. i have not felt scared this entire time. i know it's only 'fear' from the enemy. but it's still there. i just keep praying. and praying some more.

you know how you always dream what you're thinking about? well since yesterday all i've been thinking about is finding out bad results at the ultrasound today. to tell you the truth...i'm 'preparing' myself for that...only because then it will be 'easier' to hear...

well last night i had at least two dreams about the ultrasound. except...they were GOOD results. the one the ultrasound tech started crying and pointing out how we could see the heartbeat! and the other dream was that there were heartbeatS. twins. now i guess that is a bit of a scary dream too...lol. not that i wouldn't take twins. it would just take awhile to get used to the thought. scary maybe isn't the 'right' word, but the only word that came to me.

so it was just so nice to have 'good' dreams about it. in fact anytime i've dreamt about this baby it's always been good. i'm not saying that means anything. but it's also been really nice to dream something good. you know?

regardless of the results today...god is still so so good. he's still so faithful to me. and to you. he's also still so loving. and when i get 'home' to him...i'll see the full picture he sees and 'get' all of this. i'll be able to understand the 'why' of things. and i'll be shown even moreso the love of my father.

it's an awesome love. it's a love NO ONE else shows me. not even shaun. because as great, and awesome and sweet and loving shaun is. he's still human. he still fails me. as i do him. but god doesn't. and won't. so i continue to rest in his arms and not let the enemy get a foot hold of my heart and emotions. because anything the enemy brings is not good. at all. and everything god bring is good. all good. all the time.

so thanks for the continued prayers. i will try to update later on the ultrasound. and with that i'm done. the girls are now all awake and diapers and clothes are calling to be changed. ;0)