i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Friday, October 23, 2009

you were wondering.

well not YOU you perhaps. but someone was. because they comment anon i cannot answer their question privately. so i must do it this way, because i'm thinking they'd like to know the answer. i'll do my best.

this is what they/you were wondering: "I'm wondering though (and wondering nicely) why it is so important to have more babies. And so soon. You are blessed with four. Some people are never blessed with one."

first off, thanks for wondering nicely. and for asking nicely. i've had loads of mean anon comments before and it's nice to have a nicely put one!!

now to answer. 'why is it so important'. and i honestly can't explain that why. it's just a desire in my heart to have more babies. i have the desire to have more babies, to be a mom to more babies. i can't explain it other than it's a desire in my heart. and shaun's. we've talked about it a lot lately, especially since losing the two babies this summer. we still have that desire to have more children. now i'm not saying that people with no children don't have that desire, because i know they do. i had the same desire after we miscarried our first baby. i'm just saying that i 'still' have the desire. and really? what's wrong with that desire? it's ultimately up to god if we have more children. i have no control over it at all. none. do i know why god gives me more children before he gives someone else their first? no. i don't understand it either. i don't understand why women who have that desire for children sometimes never get it filled. but that's the thing...i don't need to understand why. i just have to trust god and his plan and that he sees our whole pictures. if we end up not having any more children am i going to be mad at god? absolutely not.

i don't want it to seem that i don't treasure the four children i already have. because i SO do. more than words could ever ever express. i think because i treasure them so much it makes me want more to treasure?. i don't know i guess. i am happy with the four (on earth) children  he's given to me and can't wait to meet my three in heaven some day. and i'd be happy if those numbers stay the same or get bigger. i guess i want to know, is it really wrong to desire more children?

so soon. hmm. well i guess 'soon' is what the normal has been for us. i truly think it'll be weird if we get pregnant to have dustin be almost two or two before we have the next baby. i've been used to a one year old and then a newborn. 'soon' is fine with me. 'later' is fine with me. and i'm the one taking care of them, so really does it matter that much to you if i have a baby every year? and the more people i meet, the more i realize they're doing it too.

when we were in ohio for vacation we went to calvary chapel cleveland. ((great church!!)) do you want to know that with people with more than one kid...we were one of the SMALLEST families. the pastor himself had 14 (and recently miscarried a baby in may), i met a mom with 8 and one on the way, others we heard had 11 and 13 children! big families aren't something stared at? is what i was thinking. around here most of the time we get stared at and rude things said to about our family. i must say for the first time in my life i felt so welcome in a state where four children was just a 'start' to a family. shaun and i said we might as well move to ohio...lol. i think he was just kidding? because it just wasn't at the church where bigger families were accepted lovingly, ((i will say our church is the exact same way...ours is just the biggest family because there are only a few young couples with kids that are a part of the church.))  the resturaunts we ate at it was nothing to them. usually someone says something! everywhere we went we didn't feel like some sort of 'show'...it was so nice.

when it comes down to it, i don't understand the women who don't want children, or who only want a few. and they don't understand how i could possibly want one or more children. and that's fine. i think we all have different desires and how boring would the world be if we were all the same?

do i see myself with fourteen kids? mmm. probably not. with five or six...sure. like i said i'm leaving it up to god. i know i would love more...but i'd also love it if we just have the four we have. i feel like i've talked in a big circle. and i hope i make sense.

so it's not super important to have more babies...i'd just love to have more. soon? doesn't matter...it just seems normal to me. and yes i have four. i'm truly blessed. and my heart break for the ones who have none. it truly does. i don't understand the heartache of having no children and wanting one...but i understand the heartache of being pregnant and so excited to have one...and then lose it. that happened to us the first time we were pregnant...and again the last two times. we all have different heartaches. mine is no worse than yours. we just have to remember we have such a loving god who is in control!

and i don't know much about you who asked. maybe you're struggling with wanting children and don't have any yet. all i know is you use aol.com as a domain. and your ip address is in kansas. (thanks sitemeter) but i do know that i'll pray for you, ms. (i'm assuming) anon. praying that god gives you the desires of your own heart. and to know that he is good. all the time.

so. now to "you" who were wondering about our vacation...

it was such a blast. i'll touch on a bit of it today and finish on about it over the next few posts.

we left early in the morning on october 10th. right ON schedule. insanely enough we were on time. i KNEW it was going to be a good trip then!

when we hit chicago something strange happened. i wasn't nervous or anxious!! god truly kept me calmed and answered prayers! he also placed in my heart songs that spoke right to me. it was SO cool. the only time i freake a little was with the chicago skyway toll bridge.

see it up there?! it was a big bridge. but it went well. and on the way home i didn't even get the least bit freaked out!! so god is soo good and faithful to answer and hear our prayers!!

we made it through indiana just fine. it's a long state. but has very nice rest stops on the interstate. the interstate however is ridiculous expensive to pay for. lol. i'm so glad wisconsin doesn't have tolls!

then we made it to ohio. we were close to our hotel. ohio also has nice rest stops. and is just as expensive as indiana. but oh well. when we made it to our hotel we were all excited. it was nine hours of driving. but totalled about 12 hours of a trip with our stops. my husband is the opposite of my father. he doesn't mind stopping a lot and actually he needs to stop more than me. probably because i've been trained to wait. lol.

in ohio we swam in the pool. and then woke up the next morning and went to church. calvary chapel cleveland. it was a great service and i made a friend! after that we ate some lunch and then went to an apple orchard i was told we 'had' to go to. and i'm glad we did it was a lot of fun for the kiddos.

they had free baskets of apples for everyone. the girls loved them. dustin had a few bites too!

they were making fresh kettle corn. and shaun and dustin had to check that out!!

we stayed there for a few hours and it was so fun. we drove a bit into cleveland on our way back to our hotel. didn't really do much else there. but it was so nice to just have the time to do whatever we wanted and whenever we wanted.

we stayed in cleveland til monday morning. early. we we on the road a little later than i planned...because I overslept...and didn't hear my alarm. so god totally woke me up and we were on our way to a little state called connecticut...

stay tuned for our great visit to connecticut. and if you want to see all the pictures from our trip here they are from my facebook page.

oh and i took some pictures of dustin yesterday for his birthday...here is the link to those!

enjoy and have a great weekend!! i have a wildtree party tomorrow and shaun gets to work this weekend! and we're going to shaun's mom's house for dinner on sunday...dinner for dinner. not dinner for lunch. :0)

11 loving words from you.:

Jennifer said...

Great post!

I so look forward to hearing more about your trip!

Jennifer W. said...

Great post, Amanda. As a mother of 5 who also has the desire to have more, I completely understand this post. We will probably only have one more (God will decide that) but if I'm being honest, I don't see this desire going away even then. Paul really only wants one more, though, so we will compromise...if that's truly what we feel God has planned for us. We get the nasty, negative comments about having a large family(ie. those ALL yours? don't you know what's causing that? I bet you really have your hands full! Are y'all crazy? All this said in front of the kids) but never as negative as some of the stuff I've seen people say to MckMama-about how having so many kids is irresponsible, and stupid. As long as we are capable of raising our children ourselves, physically, financially, spiritually, etc, I don't see where it's irresponsible-or anyone else's business for that matter. I adore my children. ALL of them. I am incredibly thankful for them. But I still long for more. Would I be happy if we were done now? Of course, but there would always be that little twinge when I thought about who (instead of what) might have been. I can't imagine what it would be like to not be able to have any, and I pray that's not the case for your anon commenter. But the fact that you already have one (or two or more) doesn't necessarily diminish the desire to have another, and that desire shouldn't have any less value because you already have children.

Amanda said...

HUGS!!!! Gotta love it right? I know the feeling of wanting more. We've been trying for about 9 months now, and it's hard! It's hard every month for your Aunt to come, and then you think we'll try again. Our youngest just turned 2 in August, and by now I've either had another baby or been pg. This time around we wern't. It was so hard to think when so and so was this age I was so far a long!

When we found out we were pg. with our third, my own mother said to me, "why? You should've been happy with the two you had. You had a boy and a girl. If I could've stoped with two I would've."

My husband is the youngest of 8, and two of his brother's each have 5 kids, with 27 grandkids and one on the way. We have a big family, and want to make it even bigger!!!

Oh, and I saw your pics on FB. LOVE THEM!!!! Looks like you guys had a great time!

Stephanie said...

You answered that beautifully :)

I'm glad you all had a great trip!

Those pics of Dustin are just precious, you got some great ones.

Lara said...

amanda- you did an amazing job with that post. no one has ever asked me to explain why i want more, but had i had to put my desire into words-- well, you just did. if is up to god-- he's the one who is in control of it all. i love being surrounded by my family and in all honesty, when i look around our dinner table, i don't see a big family. some people think i'm crazy when i say that, but honestly it's how i feel. not that i want 15 kids, but like you i totally see me with 5 or six. great post, really :)

He & Me + 3 said...

Well written...wow that is a lot of traveling, but it looks like a fun time. The kids are just precious. I loved the pictures of Dustin. He is so sweet.

Clementsville: Population of 4! said...

You answered that question beautifully! I pray for that person that has so much bitterness in their heart! I desire many more children too.. not sure how many God will allow! But hang in there and I LOVED thepics on fb...


momof3munchkins said...

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.
Psalm 127:4-5

Glad you had a good trip!

The World As I See It said...

You answered the question great. People just need to mind there business and not worry about everyone else.

heidi said...

Great answer. I get questioned all the time about why we want/need to have more. People are all "Oh! two boys and two girls! It's perfect, now you can be done!" WHen I tell them we're not I get all sorts of looks and comments. Oh well. People can have their own opinions just as we have ours. Rob and I don't believe in birth control - chemical or permanent. We've decided that, for us, this is an area where we are being called to trust God completely and know that HE will decide what is perfect, in his time.

*Kc* said...

Just saw your blog through another. Your post was very well written. I only have two children, but we want to adopt a ton more =)So I understand. It looks like your family had a wonderful trip.