did you catch it?!?

did you?!

have you?!?

go look at the post below this and let me know. don't worry i'll wait til you get back....

...so did you now?!

:0) i love being sneaky. i love being a form of creative. and thought it was as creative as i could get.

here's a better way to explain...i'm...well...

i've known for almost an entire month now. hence the lack of posting. i've been wiped out tired with this pregnancy so far!!

so i'll start back at the beginning for all of you who love to know all the details...like i always do!!

a few days before my friend was due to arrive, i decided to buy some cheapo target brand sticks to pee on. after all, i am a self proclaimed pee on a stick-aholic. and for that very reason i didn't have any in my house, i didn't want to tempt myself. but i knew it was a very good possibility. i was at target. so i just bought some.

the next morning i tested. and waited. for the entire ten minutes. i went back in the bathroom and just wasn't sure. was there? or wasn't there? a second blue line. it was SO faint. so because it was a few days before anyways i waited to test again. on saturday i tested again. this time i had bought a digital test. this time it said not pregnant. so i was like what?! so again i waited. because of course it was still a few days before my little friend was due to arrive.

along comes saturday NIGHT. :0) i peed on a different stick this time. some other brand? not sure. and guess what. there WAS a second line. i was sure of it. i think. ;0) i just was in awe. and told shaun i was pretty sure that i was probably pregnant. so i waited again til morning to test yet again. :0)

the next morning was 'it'. it was for sure positive. i read the word. "the" word that changes everything PREGNANT.

so i told shaun i was really for sure pregnat. up to that point we had already been praying for the baby anyways, seeing the test was making it official.

i called my doctor right away on monday. she told me when i had the last miscarriage, she wanted to know right away because she would test my progesterone levels right away. and of course do the normal checking of the hcg levels. hcg is the pregnancy hormone your body makes and it 'normally' doubles every 48 hours in pregnancy.

so i went on monday morning right away and had it tested. monday afternoon my level came back at 65. and i found out tuesday my progesterone had come back at 21.73. wednesday i had my levels tested again. it was 193. woo hoo. everything was looking 'perfect'.

then wednesday night i went to the bathroom. and saw blood. not red scary blood. but blood. i was so scared. i immediately called nurse direct to see what they had to say. mainly because i just was so scared. to have 'that' happen again. three times in a row!?! i'll say wednesday was a rough rough night for me i cried and cried. and then...

then i remembered what god had been speaking to me since i started peeing on tests...trust. trust me. that's all he kept saying. and i realized that i had taken my eyes off of him, put them on myself and wham-o not trusting. the bleeding stopped by the next day and really was nothing much at all except when i wiped a few times. to be 'cautious' we did another hcg level on friday. on friday my level came back at 530. more than doubled again. god continued to show me how he was in control and i needed to just trust.

by the next week it was all sinking in about this pregnant thing. i was dead dog tired. and feeling sick. all awesome signs!! i was so excited to feel so sick. it continued through that week. last week came along...

...it was tuesday. and there was brown blood now. i called the doctor's office. i called because the first time i bled they said to call back if it came back or changed. so i figured i best call. i must say i LOVE the ob/gyn phone nurses. they never treat you like you're the over paranoid pregnant woman (that you probably are). she asked the 'routine' questions. and i answered yes to one of them. ((we had a date night a few days before and 'date night things' happened)) she assumed it was probably because of that. and after talking to the dr called back and said that if it changed or got worse to call back. by the end of the day it was gone.

on wednesday i had some red blood. i called, only because it had changed. and then i asked do i need to be calling so much? i only called because they told me to if it changed, and it changed. i also had an ultrasound scheduled for the next day.

so we waited til the next day. shaun came with me to the ultrasound. my sweet friend watched all the kiddos for me. i have to say this was the most nervous at peace i've ever been. that makes no sense at all. but as 'nervous' as i was, i was SO at peace. at peace with whatever the lord had for this visit.

i must also give a total 'side' note. during the weeks of this 'stuff' going on. want to know what we talked about at church?! god's PEACE. and god's HOPE. umm...think god was speaking to me? i do. totally and completely. what i think is even cooler is that we work through the bible at church chapter by chapter, verse by verse. so right where we are in the bible for church is right where god wanted me to be during this early stage of pregnancy. i just think it's SO cool!!

so as we walked back to the u/s room i got a little 'nervous'. it was the same room as last time where we saw nothing. but then i remembered it was also the same room that we saw dustin's heartbeat for the first time. it is strange how one little room can bring on such a wave of emotions. the u/s tech was one i have never had before, but was very nice. as she used the wand...which is nothing close to a 'wand'...i saw it. i saw a tiny little something. she stopped for half a second and said...do you see the little flicker? i did. i saw it. i saw my little baby's heart flickering away at me. she moved on to measure all the 'other' stuff. then came back to the baby. according to my cycle days i should've been six weeks three days. the baby measured at five weeks six days. so a few days off. the heartbeat was at 109. she said that the heart had probably just started beating within the past 24 hours. how amazing was/is that?! and just in case you wanted to know my cycle isn't a 'normal' length cycle, so being a few days 'off' is not a big concern to me. and wasn't too much to the dr i saw either.

i also cried. for the first time seeing a baby's heartbeat i cried. it's not that i was not as happy any of the other times. i was just so overwhelmed this time. i think i even saw shaun tearing up too. :0)

after the ultrasound i saw a different dr. mine was on vacation. and it made me so thankful for my dr, there was nothing 'wrong' with this dr but he was just so different from mine that i was glad mine is who she is. lol. he talked with us a little bit. said that the baby was a few days off of the schedule, but wasn't concerned. he looked at what my blood work had been the few weeks earlier. he then decided to just check on my progesterone, since it was low with my last miscarriage i think. i'm not really sure 'why' he wanted to check it. he also checked for something else that could cause miscarriage because he didn't see that it had been tested for.

so seven tubes of blood later i was done.

i got the call later in the afternoon about my progesterone levels. it was at 12.53. 12??!! what!? i will admit i freaked for a bit. my heart sunk. then i listened to the nurse telling me how i had to go on a progesterone suppository and we got that set up.

for the bit i freaked...i was overcome with god's peace again. god whispering in my ear...trust me, daughter, trust me. it's funny how he whispers...but i think he needs to because i need to quit throwing a fit to hear him.

so the next day i picked up my progesterone bullets. because that's what they look like! i was on 50mg two times a day. it's not the 'funnest' thing in the world. but not as bad as i thought it was going to be. shaun did freak a little when he saw them in the fridge the first time though! lol.

a day after the ultrasound i spotted again. but i didn't call. mainly because at the ultrasound we saw a pool of blood in there. so we're assuming that's where the bleeding was coming from. so it was nice to have a sense of maybe 'why' the bleeding had happened.

a day after starting the suppositories i noticed symptoms of a not so fun infection. i had to wait til monday to talk to the doctor about what to do for it. she gave me a pill to take one day. and then again three days later. she also suggested that i could put the suppositories where 'normal' suppositories may go instead to help a not so fun infection coming back. or i could go to shots.

the infection is feeling better. but not great. and i've tried to do them the other way. but i can't. i just can't bring myself to do it.

yesterday i had to get my progesterone levels tested again. i heard back around five from the dr's office. they were at 14 point something something. only 14? i knew it probably wasn't the 'best' BUT it hadn't gone down. and from what i read online depending on the dr is depending on what they'd 'like' to see. some it's only above 10. others it's 15. either way i was above ten and almost 15. :0)

so now i have to up my progesterone to 100mg two times a day. so to use up what i have two suppositories two times a day. i then asked about the infection. that if it may just keep coming back, would it be better to go to the shots so i don't have a fridge full of progesterone i can't use? so the nurse and i decided to wait til monday to see how things are feeling. and go from there. i was fine with that because i only took the second pill on thursday. she said to give it a few days to see how it worked. plus i wouldn't have been able to get anything by the point of the night friday anyways. and i have enough bullets in the fridge for the weekend. so it's all fine.

yesterday after the phone call i got my eyes on myself again. and the lord spoke a bit louder to me and said...what have i been telling you this entire time!?!? TRUST ME!! i feel he was a bit louder than a whisper. but not quite yelling. although he has EVERY right to. i can imagine he just wants to shake my shoulders and ask me what the world i'm doing? but he doesn't. instead he lovingly reminds me to trust him. and his plan.

so i am. and continue to. just trust in the lord. trust in the lord that either way i'll get to meet this little piece of rice...

it's funny because that's how big about the baby was at the ultrasound. breigh keeps thinking the baby in my belly is big...mainly because my belly isn't quite all the way gone from all the babies before this one. so i got out a piece of rice and showed her how small the baby was.

go get a piece of rice out. look at it. it's crazy small. BUT it has a heart beat. that crazy small piece of rice has a heart beat. it's a life. a baby. it was so incredible to realize that we all started out like that. a teensy tiny piece of rice.

breigh loved the 'baby' so much, that the rest of the day she carried around rice in a baggie calling it her babies. :0)

can i say that the past month has been easy? no way. can i say that it's been super hard? no. it's been a month of change and growing. i've been up and down and up again. and it's funny because the next time it goes down it doesn't feel as far down. i attribute that to the fact that i'm leaning on god more during those times. i'm going down, but i have him to hold me up. to go down with me and see me through it. it's the times i don't take him with me that...well suck.

i'll say i've struggled through the past month too. especially with the bleeding. my struggle is/was this...why would god allow me to get pregnant if i was just going to miscarry right away. why would he allow me to fall so much in love with someone. and then i thought of this. regardless of 'what' happens...i love this baby. i get to carry this baby inside of me for whatever time god allows...whether it be 3 weeks or 10 months...for that precious time god allows me to be the mommy to this baby. and i'll either get to 'be' a mommy to this baby outside of my belly...or when i get to heaven. either way i'm this baby's mommy. and i'm so blessed to say so. of course i want to be a mommy to this baby outside of my womb first. to see this baby be born and to raise it with it's brother and sisters. but i also trust in god. and his plan. whatever it is.

so what has god been teaching me. trust. trusting in him. in his plans. and his ways. because really? they're so much better than mine.

oh and my due date is july 12th. the ultrasound said the 16th. either way sometime in july. :0)  AND my pants are already getting tight?! how is this possible? it was quite crazy because a few weeks ago my pants were a little big on me (i bought them before i found out i was pregnant). and of the course of the past two weeks they've gotten tighter and tighter...to the point i can't button them!! thank goodness for the bella band!!

so there's the details. i just ask for your prayers for this baby and this pregnancy. and thanks so much!!!!