i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Friday, December 18, 2009

a different kind of why me?

this is going to be a heavy post...just to warn you ahead of time. but i need to just write it all out. k? k. good.

so statistically 1 out of every 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. most of the time before the woman even knew she was pregnant.

so given my  past history...i've been waiting to be that 1. with the last two pregnancies there were about three other people i knew pregnant. and either still are, or had their babies.

with this pregnancy as i found out more and more people were also pregnant with me...i dreaded it. as excited as i was for them. i also dreaded knowing three more people, because you know...i had been that one usually.

usually. BUT not this time. this week alone i have had two dear friends give me the awful news. one just found out she was pregnant but her numbers weren't rising as they should. the other friend was due days around my due date. and went in for a dr's appt to find no heartbeat.

ugh. don't you hate reading that? i hate typing that. i hate knowing that two people i care about have to deal with those awful feelings. and the awful outcome. i hate the fact that we don't understand why this thing has to happen. i hate that now i wonder why me?

but why me? like...why is it me who gets to stay pregnant yet? why is it me who doesn't have to do that again?

now i'm not saying i want to at all. because i so do not. ever again.

yet i struggle with the feelings of why me?

it's a strange sense of feelings really.

yet i'm not mad at god. i'm not hurt by god.

i'm reassured by god.

that he is in control of all things. that he knows the plans he has for us. plans for good. not evil. for a hope and a future.

god is good. despite all the crummy things that happen in my life. or your life. god IS good. that doesn't change. we do. and how we deal with the things he hands us changes us. it's up to us to make those changes good ones.

so as my heart is heavy for my two friends. i pray for them. pray that they continue to see god through all of this, it isn't 'easy' but it's worth it. taking him out of it makes it so much harder to go through.

so if you feel so led, please pray for them too.

and have a great weekend. later today we're off to make christmas candy. and then tomorrow when shaun gets home from work it's christmas at my parents. and sunday is our church christmas party. then it's monday again...whew!

14 loving words from you.:

Kelli @ RTSM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kelli @ RTSM said...

I'm glad that you aren't that 1 even though your friends are going through a rough time. You can be great support for your friends...since you really know what they are going through. Making Christmas candy sounds like FUN! Have a great weekend:)

~*Michelle*~ said...

God has our hearts aligned....He must have put me on your heart as I was praying this morning. And although I was hesitant while I am processing this all.....I spoke of my miscarriage today on my blog to help the healing process.

Thank you, Amanda for your friendship......and more so for your prayers. God brought you into my life for a reason, and for that I am thankful.

Jen@Scrapingirl said...

Hearing about any infant loss is very hard. My first was a miscarriage, then it took a year toget preggers with my son. All the while, every one of my friends were getting preggers. What a hard time. But then with my daughter, I was preggers with by best friend, and she miscarried. It was very hard, cuz we were due a week apart. So it was a mixed feelings when she was born.

He & Me + 3 said...

So sorry to hear about your friends...that is so very sad. Praying for them.

christy rose said...

Yes! God is good! Through it all! I prayed for your friends today! I know what they are going through. I have been there too!

you can call me "Jen" said...

I am so sorry for your friends, Amanda. And at the same time, I find myself rejoicing with you for the babe you're carrying. If that's strange, then so be it- that's how I am. ;)

Will definitely keep your friends in prayer. God IS good!

Veronica said...

I am so, so sorry to hear about your friends. This pregnancy has been so much different for me in that it's my first pregnany as a blogger. Before blogging, I never "knew" so many people had both miscarriages and children who passed. It makes it so hard sometimes to be at peace about a pregnancy when you are constantly worried if you are going to be the next person to suffer a loss. In all of it, I'm learning to put more faith in the Lord and continue to trust that his plan is perfect. I will definitely be praying for your friends!

Love ya,
Ver

Clarke Life said...

I've been following your blog for a few months now. My husband and I can't have a child together but he has 4 kids from previous marriage's. I have asked that question to myself hundreds of times as "why me?" Why can't I have my own child?

God has a plan for EVERYONE and everything. From my experience and from hearing about others, God gives messages to others that are infertile to keep trying or in my case, pursue other options to become a parent.

We chose the route of becoming foster parents. We've been fostering since June and currently have 2 boys. It's definitely not easy, but so rewarding and I know this journey is His will.

Don't bring yourself down. God has a plan for you and for your friends. Just pray about it! :) God bless!

Alicia said...

Yes, it is devastating to hear. I'll be praying for them too, Amanda.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Very very sad. They are in my thoughts

Sarah said...

I've had three miscarriages, too, as well as our two beautiful kids, and it IS really rough to be around pregnant people right after finding out that you AREN'T pregnant anymore. But I think that for yours friends, seeing you is probably a hopeful reminder that even after loss- even after recurrent loss, in fact- it is still possible to have a normal pregnancy again. I know that just stopping by your blog and reading your "about me" section gave me a burst of hope!
Your friends will be in my prayers.

Amanda said...

Amanda,

Thank you so much! You've been an awesome friend. Thank you for sharing with me during our rough time! It sucks, but with the strength from friends, family and god we shall too get through this! Thank you again!!!

- The "other" Amanda! ;)

inadvertent farmer said...

Instead of 'why me?' I have always thought 'why not me?' I too have not been angry with God, just sad and missing my little ones. I also feel blessed that I got to carry them for 23 weeks inside my body, I had over five months of holding them and have the hope of holding them again in heaven. Kim