a different kind of why me?

this is going to be a heavy post...just to warn you ahead of time. but i need to just write it all out. k? k. good.

so statistically 1 out of every 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. most of the time before the woman even knew she was pregnant.

so given my  past history...i've been waiting to be that 1. with the last two pregnancies there were about three other people i knew pregnant. and either still are, or had their babies.

with this pregnancy as i found out more and more people were also pregnant with me...i dreaded it. as excited as i was for them. i also dreaded knowing three more people, because you know...i had been that one usually.

usually. BUT not this time. this week alone i have had two dear friends give me the awful news. one just found out she was pregnant but her numbers weren't rising as they should. the other friend was due days around my due date. and went in for a dr's appt to find no heartbeat.

ugh. don't you hate reading that? i hate typing that. i hate knowing that two people i care about have to deal with those awful feelings. and the awful outcome. i hate the fact that we don't understand why this thing has to happen. i hate that now i wonder why me?

but why me? like...why is it me who gets to stay pregnant yet? why is it me who doesn't have to do that again?

now i'm not saying i want to at all. because i so do not. ever again.

yet i struggle with the feelings of why me?

it's a strange sense of feelings really.

yet i'm not mad at god. i'm not hurt by god.

i'm reassured by god.

that he is in control of all things. that he knows the plans he has for us. plans for good. not evil. for a hope and a future.

god is good. despite all the crummy things that happen in my life. or your life. god IS good. that doesn't change. we do. and how we deal with the things he hands us changes us. it's up to us to make those changes good ones.

so as my heart is heavy for my two friends. i pray for them. pray that they continue to see god through all of this, it isn't 'easy' but it's worth it. taking him out of it makes it so much harder to go through.

so if you feel so led, please pray for them too.

and have a great weekend. later today we're off to make christmas candy. and then tomorrow when shaun gets home from work it's christmas at my parents. and sunday is our church christmas party. then it's monday again...whew!