i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Monday, August 02, 2010

flying by.

time that is. it's flying by.
amelya is almost 5 1/2. breigh seems bigger every day. caitlyn is almost 3. dustin looks like a little boy and not a baby. and miss evaleigh turned 3 weeks old (and by the time i published this almost 4). i can't believe it!!

when you're pregnant it seems to take FOREVER some days. and now my baby is almost a month old. insane.

me. i'm doing okay. or fine. but that's about it. i have no reason to not feel 'good'. but i think my hormones are maybe starting to get 'normal' you know as normal as it can be. i've cried over some really DUMB things this week. like super DUMB...but oh well. i keep on trucking.

i've heard lots of comments this week. well actually shaun got to witness for the first time, someone really geeking out at us. normally i do the shopping and such by myself with the kids so i hear it. but we went to sam's on sunday and he got to hear it too.

but this lady was really just rude. off the wall rude. so rude i could've pulled her hair even. (i probably wouldn't have done it. mainly because we walked away before she could say more!) i feel bad that shaun had to encounter it. usually he just shrugs most things off, but i think she bugged him too. probably because she went on and on. first she asked oh how old are they? (totally innocent question and one i'm used to answering and fine with) then she goes well i mean are the ALL YOURS?! (yep) OH MY GOSH!? are you CRAZY!? (truthfully i haven't found the 'answer' to this question. maybe next time i'll say, yes, but my meds keep that from happening) then she goes on and on about how she thought she was crazy and had a 10,8 and 2 year old. then she does the typical. well at least you have a boy! (shaun shrugged his shoulders) and i was looking for a way out of the conversation...i think we just walked away. i don't know why she bugged me so much. i think it's because of how she just went on and on. normally people will say one or two things and they walk away. i KNOW this lady shouldn't bug me. because i need to be confident in what God has called me to do.

but i'll admit. it's hard sometimes. and last sunday, it was hard. people don't make me second guess anything, they just make me feel like crap. and unfortunately i allowed her to do that. but only for a short time. because i soon realized. who cares? like really WHO CARES. YES they are all mine. i wouldn't trade any of them for anything. CRAZY. absolutely crazy IN LOVE with my kiddos. and you know...i love my girls just the same as my son. who would've thought. and their dad. he loves them just the same too. and could care less if they don't have an appendage between their legs. i'm too nice i guess to go off on someone. but part of me always wants to. thankfully the spirit in me keeps them quiet.

and sure it's crazy here sometimes. and sometimes i just want to scream. but i think all moms have felt like that. if you have one kid or two or ten million, it'll get a bit crazy every once in awhile. i'd imagine if you really had ten million children it'd get crazy more than once in awhile though.

anyways. i need to find time to sit and do this all at one time this is my third or fourth day working on this post! lol. the nice thing is, you don't realize that.

i will also counter all the negative comments with saying that there are also people who say REALLY NICE things. and those things bless my heart to pieces. in fact yesterday a nice man opened the door for me on my way out of a restaurant. ((shaun and the kids were already outside, i had to change evaleigh)) anyways he said. 'there's no day of rest for you is there'. i said nope. but it's all good. and he replied with it sure is. they're a blessing for sure. and then said it's so nice to see a big family. smiled and said have a good day. i smiled said you too. and walked out. we've had a number of people comment how they love to see a 'big' family. it's nice to know that we aren't a freak show to some people.

and i guess i'd rather have people say something, mean or nice, to my face. it's the worst when you're walking by and people talk about you loud enough that you can hear them. what are you going to do i guess.

and my answer is to just remain confident in the calling God's placed on our family. walk with my head held high, proud of the family God's given me. i wouldn't trade a single one of them for anything.

i look at evaleigh and realize how she wouldn't be here if i hadn't gone through the last year like i did. it was a year ago almost that we were in the crazy position of another miscarriage of our little boy. i would love to have him part of our earthly family. but yet i can't imagine our family without evaleigh. so i know God's plan is perfect. and i know that i have that little boy waiting for me in heaven, along with the two other siblings waiting.

and now i've been praying a ton to see what God wants for our family. is our family complete? are we 'done'? for 'real' this time? i pray that God gives us a clear answer. right now i truthfully feel that we are being led to the road of 'done'. when i look at evaleigh i get a sense that this is the 'last' time i'll have a newborn. but then i could be wrong. maybe I am trying to tell myself that, not God. so i'm really just praying for direction and discernment to hear God's voice. because i know He'll speak to me. and shaun. shaun hasn't gotten a clear answer either. we've seriously been talking about this since we've had evaleigh. maybe it's 'weird' but for us it's essential. and it makes it easier to talk about and decide when we can't do anything to be making a baby yet anyways. it's easier to have 'self control'. ;)

so yeah. i'm a jumble of emotions. i'm fine. alright. okay. whatever. that's how i feel. it's not how i like to feel. but it's how i feel. shaun was a little mad at me last night. we were doing our devotional and it talked about 'thorns in our side' and we had to say which was ours. for me it has been dealing with the emotions after having a baby. he's like well i thought you're doing fine. i said yes. but fine isn't good. he's like we'll you do a good job hiding it.

THAT friends is my problem. i can hide it pretty well, i think. well i guess i can hide it from shaun well anyways. but it helps he works long hours and falls asleep after the kids go to bed. he really doesn't 'see' me that much. not that i  like hiding it from him. it's my major 'fault'. (yes i am not perfect.) i just don't like bugging others with my problems. or i feel like if i do, then i'm just burdening them with them. am i right to think that. no. the enemy wins that battle a lot in my life. i'd much rather listen to you and your 'problems' then pile mine on you. i don't even know 'why' i do this. i don't like doing it. but when i get in a 'funk' it seems that's the fall back method i use. i don't know. then i usually close myself off from people. put on my smile and move onward.

which is probably why i didn't blog at all last week. or at least FINISH my blog post. i just didn't feel like it. i didn't feel like doing much of anything. BUT i gave myself enough motivation to stay on top of diaper laundry and did a few loads of other stuff. and finally caught myself up on saturday because i got sick of being such a drag to be around. seriously if i don't like hanging out with myself...who's going to want to hang out with me. lol.

i have to remember this is all a season of life. even these 'downer' moments are just a season. even when it feels like i'm the only mom who yelled too much today. or the only one who has a sink full of dishes, baskets full of clean clothes to be folded (but might as well throw them in the dryer because they've gotten SO wrinkly). baskets full of dirty clothes to be washed. diapers to be put away. kids faces stained with kool-aid. or sometimes it feels like we're the only ones with kids and no one else 'gets' it.

yet how WRONG am i. i can almost guarantee every mom or dad has felt those same things. yet the enemy lies to us making us feel like no one else 'gets' it. that you're the only one with kids. and really no one wants to hang out with you. or no one invites you because you have kids. etc. etc. the enemy is the master of lies. and he can whisper them ever so softly and have you believing them so quickly. yet there's someone else who whispers softly. and tells you the truth. and it's our choice to decide who to believe. my choice is to believe God. to believe Him when He says he loves me. and i do believe it...all i have to do is choose live it.

so to say i'm struggling with hormones and emotions is spot on. so i ask for prayers for that!! thanks!! and because i've rambled like crazy i'll stop now. and because i keep having a hard time trying to remember my train of thought every time i sit back down to finish this! lol.

but i'll end the post with some pictures of the kiddos. (it was a little chilly this morning, but the kiddos were excited to go swimming.) here are the four 'big' kids...

and the 'little' one...who is also starting to get hungry...another reason i must be done rambling...

i'm hoping to get back on the computer to catch up with all you guys too! :)

19 loving words from you.:

Jen@Scrapingirl said...

Stupid people suck!!! I hate when people say dumb things. The question "are they all yours?" is about the dumbest thing they could ask. I mean, look at them!!! Everyone of them look like you guys. Seriously. Are you blind?? :) And anybody who has kids is a bit crazy. Who wants to turn their lives upside down for someone. Who wants to lose sleep, for the rest of their lives, over a person? CRAZY!! Sorry this meanie got to you and Hubs. Nothing I can say will help, but forget about her. You are doing what God wants you to do. And you have the second cutest kids. ;) BTW, you have to change Evaleigh's picture on the side. :)

Jodi said...

You are blessed to have so many kids. She was just probably jealous that you are doing so well with so many. The best thing I ever did was have kids (I only have two would like more). My dh recently said "I want my old life back". Hello what life? Mine only really started 2 .5 years ago when the two were born.

Kelli @ RTSM said...

Seriously, if you ever feel like you are the only mom with all those things piled and that no one else gets it....just think of me! Because I promise you, most of the time everything you listed is piled up at my house too:) I love the man's comment about no day of rest! So true for every mom! I always get the "are you going to try for a girl" question! I don't think people realize how much it hurts that I would LOVE to have a little girl, but can't! Not that I'm not happy with my boys, but to have a daugther would be wonderful too! I hope this week is so much better than last week:)

Kristin said...

You are so right, Amanda. The enemy will swoop right in and prey on our insecurities and use those to bring us down, and try and get us to believe his lies, any chance he gets. The best defense is to recognize those lies and remember God's truth.

This idea that kids just are a nuisance and get in the way of us living our lives is really just a reflection of the enemies lies being spread in this world where it's all about me, me, me. There is no greater calling in life than to raise a child to follow Jesus and you are an awesome Mom, Amanda!! I will be praying for you!!

Holly said...

Sorry you have to deal with the stupid people! Unfortunately, we have to deal with them along with the nice ones!! Darn it!

And you're not alone hun!! We all struggle and the devil tries to get us down in any way he can. God is bigger than anything! I'm sure things can be overwhelming at times but we have to remember that it won't always be like this.

THE ONLY Mrs. Daniel Strain said...

i completely understand how you feel. I am in a funk my self and my ellie is six months old , the past month i have not felt like doing ANYTHING, I to have a sink full of dish's , a washer full of diapers, a line full of diapers, beds to make , floors to sweep. I love it when ppl ask me " dont you know what is causing that yet? and i only have 3 kids.. my reply is YES and i LIKE IT..lol.. and when ppl ask you if you are done yet say . heck no.. im going to give the duggars a run for their money . as for the at least you got a boy comment you should say .. oh he is really a girl i just dress hima boy cause i get tired or rude ppl asking if we are goin to try for a boy..LOL.. but im just mean like that. your little one is so precious.. they are each a blessing..we to are having the are we done discussion and our anwere is no we want one more. YES i am hoping for a boy so i have 2 of each but it is up to god not me.. keep your chin up and like the bible says .. this to shall pass. enjoy the craziness im told .. some day you are goin to miss this..

Ruth said...

I am sorry. People are just plain mean sometimes and they don't get it. Our 5 range from 11 down to 7mths. For us they ask if they are all ours, if they are all sisters....then we have the comments about having 5 girls. Stay strong and know that you aren't alone.

He & Me + 3 said...

I only have three and they say stupid comments like that all the time. People need to keep their comments to themselves if it is not a positive one. Didn't they learn that from their parents? Sheesh.
Your children are beautiful and you and Shaun are great parents.
Love to see the kids in pictures. Adorable. That headband is precious.
I will pray for you.
Hugs,
Mimi

-stephanie- said...

The enemy is alive and working. Don't let him win. Christ is alive and working too, and much more powerful. Cling to Him.
Your family is such a blessing and adorable.
Prayers and hugs.

The Cummings Family said...

I only have 3 kids and people are ALWAYS telling me "my you have your hands full". I just always look at them and respond that they are my blessings and I wouldn't trade them for anything! I usually just turn my head or walk away at that point. People are just ignorant and feel they need to give their opinion, whether it is welcome or not!
You kiddos are so beautiful! Thank you for sticking to your gun and God's plan! His will is perfect-whether others think so or not!
Patti

carissa @ lowercase letters said...

i completely know what you're talking about when you speak of jumbled emotions. darn hormones! : ) but of course, any hormones are worth the sweetness of the precious babe! your evaleigh is gorgeous! love the flower headband!

Kristin said...

I had baby blues after two of my children were born and it is just the pits. You know in your head taht everything is fine, but yet your emotions are in shambles! Praying things feel better soon. And we are right with you on waiting for God's leading in our family. I kind of get this feeling of being done, but we want this to be God speaking and not us so we're in a difficult place right now. I'll be praying for you...and you can pray for us. :-)

Anonymous said...

Don't let rude people get you down. My husband and I have 7 kids and when we would go somewhere the kids would always somehow end up walking one behind the other.. So it looked like a line of ducks marching along. People asked me the same questions you are getting and my only response was, Yes.. They are all ours.. Walking away knowing that you are more blessed to be surrounded by those beautiful kids and what a truly wonderful family you have.

Veronica said...

Gosh, where do I start. First of all, I just want you to know you're not alone. I have been strugging a lot these past couple of days with believing the lies of the enemy when it comes to what other people have been saying to me. I know I shouldn't care but I do. It's so hard some days but I'm so grateful for this season of my life. God has blessed me with three sweet girls that I am so thankful for.

As for being done, I think it's perfectly fine to have that conversation right now. We were up and down about that a lot considering that we don't "do" traditional birth control. I get pregnant so easily and just get so nervous about it happening so soon. There's also a lack of freedom in that area when you're always worried about becoming pregnant when you're not ready to be there again. We prayed and talked a lot about things and finally made the appt for him to go have "the" procedure done. I kept asking the Lord to guide us and so far I feel we're doing the right thing.

I will continue to keep you in my prayers and I just want you to know that I think about you often. I'm so proud of the mom that you are and I know you are a blessing to your kiddos! Love you!

P.S. Love how you changed the comments to "loving words from you!"

The Beaver Bunch said...

Girl, it SO sounds like baby blues. Well, at least the emotional and hormonal part. I'm sorry friend. It will pass. I pray it passes quickly.

As for people. Well.....I wish I could say it would get better as they get older but that would be a lie.

Luke and I took all 6 to Sam's club on Sunday and, Lord have mercy, we got some comments and A LOT of looks.

I mean, people, HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A FAMILY WITH A LOT OF KIDS?!?

Apparently 95% of our population has not. Or, they feel the need to comment on our "size" and then they ask, "Oh. Is she adopted?"

No. She's not. We took her from this black lady in isle 4. She said we could have her.

Geesh. I pray all the time that God will give me grace when I answer dumb questions. The truth is, when kids ask questions I answer them gladly b/c it's a genuine curiosity. Maybe I should treat adults the same way and just realize that adults don't have nearly the tact that I expect them to.

Oh well. Hugs to you friend.

*Maybe* Baby ♥ Mama said...

Our journey has begun!… secretly though

If I’ve left you this message, you’re a follower of my original blog ~OR~ just someone I’ve happened upon while sending out these invites and that I would LOVE for to come along for the ride! Though I won’t be revealing who I am just yet – until we’re TO and THROUGH the first trimester! Just getting the word out about our new site – further explanation of all the secrecy and what we’re about on my first post. I’d love for you to stop by.

Exciting things going on around here!

www.definitelymaybebaby.com

~ the {secret} *Maybe* Baby Mama

Jen said...

Wow, Amanda; I'm sorry. I'm sorry that people are making you feel badly about all the wonderful baby blessings that the Lord has seen fit to bestow on you. All GORGEOUS, btw....
Praying for you, as always. Hold your babies tightly and Jesus tighter. (((Hugs)))

BOWquet said...

People need to have a filter from their brain to their mouth. I don't get why 5 kids is "a lot".
Congrats on all your 5 cuties! Maybe you could fill up the whole alphabet, that will really get people talking. :)

Jessica-MomForHim said...

Did you read my "Is she a good baby?" post? I know they mean well, but with the postpartum hormones...

http://momforhim.blogspot.com/2010/07/is-she-good-baby.html