time that is. it's flying by.
amelya is almost 5 1/2. breigh seems bigger every day. caitlyn is almost 3. dustin looks like a little boy and not a baby. and miss evaleigh turned 3 weeks old (and by the time i published this almost 4). i can't believe it!!
when you're pregnant it seems to take FOREVER some days. and now my baby is almost a month old. insane.
me. i'm doing okay. or fine. but that's about it. i have no reason to not feel 'good'. but i think my hormones are maybe starting to get 'normal' you know as normal as it can be. i've cried over some really DUMB things this week. like super DUMB...but oh well. i keep on trucking.
i've heard lots of comments this week. well actually shaun got to witness for the first time, someone really geeking out at us. normally i do the shopping and such by myself with the kids so i hear it. but we went to sam's on sunday and he got to hear it too.
but this lady was really just rude. off the wall rude. so rude i could've pulled her hair even. (i probably wouldn't have done it. mainly because we walked away before she could say more!) i feel bad that shaun had to encounter it. usually he just shrugs most things off, but i think she bugged him too. probably because she went on and on. first she asked oh how old are they? (totally innocent question and one i'm used to answering and fine with) then she goes well i mean are the ALL YOURS?! (yep) OH MY GOSH!? are you CRAZY!? (truthfully i haven't found the 'answer' to this question. maybe next time i'll say, yes, but my meds keep that from happening) then she goes on and on about how she thought she was crazy and had a 10,8 and 2 year old. then she does the typical. well at least you have a boy! (shaun shrugged his shoulders) and i was looking for a way out of the conversation...i think we just walked away. i don't know why she bugged me so much. i think it's because of how she just went on and on. normally people will say one or two things and they walk away. i KNOW this lady shouldn't bug me. because i need to be confident in what God has called me to do.
but i'll admit. it's hard sometimes. and last sunday, it was hard. people don't make me second guess anything, they just make me feel like crap. and unfortunately i allowed her to do that. but only for a short time. because i soon realized. who cares? like really WHO CARES. YES they are all mine. i wouldn't trade any of them for anything. CRAZY. absolutely crazy IN LOVE with my kiddos. and you know...i love my girls just the same as my son. who would've thought. and their dad. he loves them just the same too. and could care less if they don't have an appendage between their legs. i'm too nice i guess to go off on someone. but part of me always wants to. thankfully the spirit in me keeps them quiet.
and sure it's crazy here sometimes. and sometimes i just want to scream. but i think all moms have felt like that. if you have one kid or two or ten million, it'll get a bit crazy every once in awhile. i'd imagine if you really had ten million children it'd get crazy more than once in awhile though.
anyways. i need to find time to sit and do this all at one time this is my third or fourth day working on this post! lol. the nice thing is, you don't realize that.
i will also counter all the negative comments with saying that there are also people who say REALLY NICE things. and those things bless my heart to pieces. in fact yesterday a nice man opened the door for me on my way out of a restaurant. ((shaun and the kids were already outside, i had to change evaleigh)) anyways he said. 'there's no day of rest for you is there'. i said nope. but it's all good. and he replied with it sure is. they're a blessing for sure. and then said it's so nice to see a big family. smiled and said have a good day. i smiled said you too. and walked out. we've had a number of people comment how they love to see a 'big' family. it's nice to know that we aren't a freak show to some people.
and i guess i'd rather have people say something, mean or nice, to my face. it's the worst when you're walking by and people talk about you loud enough that you can hear them. what are you going to do i guess.
and my answer is to just remain confident in the calling God's placed on our family. walk with my head held high, proud of the family God's given me. i wouldn't trade a single one of them for anything.
i look at evaleigh and realize how she wouldn't be here if i hadn't gone through the last year like i did. it was a year ago almost that we were in the crazy position of another miscarriage of our little boy. i would love to have him part of our earthly family. but yet i can't imagine our family without evaleigh. so i know God's plan is perfect. and i know that i have that little boy waiting for me in heaven, along with the two other siblings waiting.
and now i've been praying a ton to see what God wants for our family. is our family complete? are we 'done'? for 'real' this time? i pray that God gives us a clear answer. right now i truthfully feel that we are being led to the road of 'done'. when i look at evaleigh i get a sense that this is the 'last' time i'll have a newborn. but then i could be wrong. maybe I am trying to tell myself that, not God. so i'm really just praying for direction and discernment to hear God's voice. because i know He'll speak to me. and shaun. shaun hasn't gotten a clear answer either. we've seriously been talking about this since we've had evaleigh. maybe it's 'weird' but for us it's essential. and it makes it easier to talk about and decide when we can't do anything to be making a baby yet anyways. it's easier to have 'self control'. ;)
so yeah. i'm a jumble of emotions. i'm fine. alright. okay. whatever. that's how i feel. it's not how i like to feel. but it's how i feel. shaun was a little mad at me last night. we were doing our devotional and it talked about 'thorns in our side' and we had to say which was ours. for me it has been dealing with the emotions after having a baby. he's like well i thought you're doing fine. i said yes. but fine isn't good. he's like we'll you do a good job hiding it.
THAT friends is my problem. i can hide it pretty well, i think. well i guess i can hide it from shaun well anyways. but it helps he works long hours and falls asleep after the kids go to bed. he really doesn't 'see' me that much. not that i like hiding it from him. it's my major 'fault'. (yes i am not perfect.) i just don't like bugging others with my problems. or i feel like if i do, then i'm just burdening them with them. am i right to think that. no. the enemy wins that battle a lot in my life. i'd much rather listen to you and your 'problems' then pile mine on you. i don't even know 'why' i do this. i don't like doing it. but when i get in a 'funk' it seems that's the fall back method i use. i don't know. then i usually close myself off from people. put on my smile and move onward.
which is probably why i didn't blog at all last week. or at least FINISH my blog post. i just didn't feel like it. i didn't feel like doing much of anything. BUT i gave myself enough motivation to stay on top of diaper laundry and did a few loads of other stuff. and finally caught myself up on saturday because i got sick of being such a drag to be around. seriously if i don't like hanging out with myself...who's going to want to hang out with me. lol.
i have to remember this is all a season of life. even these 'downer' moments are just a season. even when it feels like i'm the only mom who yelled too much today. or the only one who has a sink full of dishes, baskets full of clean clothes to be folded (but might as well throw them in the dryer because they've gotten SO wrinkly). baskets full of dirty clothes to be washed. diapers to be put away. kids faces stained with kool-aid. or sometimes it feels like we're the only ones with kids and no one else 'gets' it.
Monday, August 02, 2010
time that is. it's flying by.
at 12:08 PM