on parenting

well i'm not going to claim to be an expert. at all. but i have five kids. so i'm a parent. and i just feel the need to blog about it. so i am. :)

a few weeks ago i got my hair cut with the three big girls. ((it was such a fun "girls day")). while there i saw another mom and her two boys. the older of the two didn't want to sit to get his haircut, totally fine. totally understand. then she'll all "no mcdonald's. sit down. no mcdonald's. come on sit down. no mcdonald's. sit. okay fine. you want to sit on my lap." the whole conversation lasted a good few minutes. and kicking and screaming from said child. who was five or so. i watched this mom parent her children the entire time we were there. she allowed her 18 month old to wander around the salon and grab HOT curling irons out of the 'spots'. sharp scissors. hair spray. you name it. he was grabbing it. while she sat in the chair, never once getting up, saying "don't touch that. come here. don't touch that". ((at one point i had to take back what he took out of the cart thingy and told him no. and he totally avoided me the rest of the time.)) at the hair place you are allowed to get a prize after a haircut. the older boy successfully got his haircut and took a prize. then decided later it wasn't what he wanted. he wanted a sucker...or FIVE instead. so he proceeded to stuff his pockets with the suckers. while his mom said. "come on now. put those back". as he proceeded to stuff them in his pockets. and then run at her full force and hit her on the head. more like slap her. whatever. she bundled up her boys. and walked out the door saying come on now, let's go to mcdonald's. with the suckers STILL in his pocket.

i just shook my head. i mean seriously. you think he's going to listen to you when you "threatened" him with no mcdonald's...he did not obey you...and then stole suckers...did not obey you. and you take him there any ways. he totally knew you would. which is why he knew he also didn't have to listen to you in the first place.

i always laugh when i hear parents threaten their kids with outlandish things. i once heard a mom say okay no birthday party for you. really?! i mean REALLY?! will you really cancel the party? nope. didn't think so. ((the little girl knew it too and never obeyed)). i'm sure i've done it too. but have since realized how foolish it is. shaun has too. he once threatened to throw away all of our toys. so i asked him really? will you? he just looked at me and realized how goofy it sounded. ((it didn't make the kids pick them up either because they knew he wouldn't)) over the past few months i've seen God do an amazing work on my husband and his parenting. he's grown so much. and it's such a blessing to see. he isn't a pushover anymore YAY!!

i really think a lot of the problem come when parents try to be their kids friends. i don't need to be their BFF. my job as a parent is to parent them, not be their BFF. i feel that i need to be the mom FIRST friend SECOND. i'm not saying to not be friends with your kids. because i love the friendships i have with my kids. it's when that friendship is put before the relationship of parent/child it becomes a problem.

confidence is key. my kids know when i say something. i mean it. i'm not going to sway. i'm not going to give in if they cry,whine, pout, etc long enough. their tears don't do anything to me in those situations. you can be mad or sad or whatever at me. but i still mean what i say. and i will follow through too. empty threats are useless to parents. don't follow through with one threat...and then another...well your kid will figure it out and bamo...they act like they're in charge. and you've let them.

i've seen so many times where a child is telling the parent what to do. or not do. and the parent listens?! that is so backwards. and then they wonder why their child won't listen to them?

yesterday i took the five kiddos out to eat for lunch at a sit down place. i had a number of people tell me how "brave" i was. i just smiled. but then giggled too. bravery to me...is not going out to eat with my children. bravery to me is jumping off a cliff. or out of a airplane. or fighting in wars. they're my kids. we need to eat. i was lazy. and wanted chicken noodle soup. so we went out to eat. i guess we've never not taken our kids anywhere. since little one we've always taken them in public. they've been 'trained' on how to behave. they know they're expected to not throw fits. not whine. etc etc. and if they do they're taken in the bathroom and talked to. i refuse to take a child "out" of a place for misbehavior. i personally feel like if i take them out to the car for the temper tantrum they threw it's rewarding them. and not showing them how to act appropriately. when we take them in to the bathroom we have stern discussion. tell them that is not acceptable to (fill in the blank). that they will walk out of the bathroom not throwing a fit. and they will sit at the table quietly and eat. and if they do it again we will come in the bathroom again and they will get a tap on the bottom. usually it only takes on visit to the bathroom. i do not feel like there is anything wrong with a spanking. i feel like it is wrong to beat your child. to act out in anger against your child. but spanking, done in love and not anger, is acceptable to me and works for our family.

a sweet friend once said to me, she needed to respond. not react. that spoke volumes to me. so often when we're angry we can 'react' badly. but taking the time to calm down and then respond to behavior, is so much better. i've been working on that myself. to respond. not react. it's amazing how much it's changed in our family.

in our mom's room at our homeschooling co-op we were talking about discipline. one mom said how she doesn't count to three. it only means you can disobey on one and two. ummm. love that. it's so true. because really...most kids take til three to *maybe* listen. i've never been a counter really...i used to babysit a lot and it didn't work with them. so why would it work with my kids. but i agree completely with her statement.

we've been working on obeying. did you know obey means to listen the FIRST time? i didn't. i thought it meant to just listen. but it means the first time. since implementing the "obey the first time" rule...i've seen HUGE changes in my kids. and not only must they obey the first time they must do it with a happy cheerful heart. sure it can be a struggle, but the heart attitude needs to be corrected as well. my children will continue to do the task they were asked until they have the correct heart attitude. they will sit on the couch if need be for however long until their heart is corrected. we don't do the "minute per age" because who am i to decide how long it takes to corret their heart? that's God's doing. and the heart change is clearly evident, so they can't fake it either.

you also need to be consistent. i struggled a bit with the consistency issue while battling my PPD. and it showed. now that we've gotten back on track..ah...so much better. what you say and do today, better be what you said and did yesterday, and what you will say and do tomorrow. if it's not....why should your children believe you?

no kids are perfect. i know that. mine are far from it. and i'm far from the perfect mother. i've just learned that i need to be their confident. consistent parent. and take no crap for lack of better words. my kids are not allowed to ask "why" they were asked to do something. ((of course they can ask why the sky is blue? grass green? etc)) but they are not allowed to ask me "why" about other things. my answer to them is "you don't get to ask why. you just obey". i do not have to explain myself to them. if i tell them to clean up their room, they clean their room. i do not have to tell them "why" they have to clean their room. there is also no back talking. at all. period. they do not tell me "no". if they decide to, they are told that. you do not talk to me that way. they're made to say sorry and ask for forgiveness.

we started that new recently. asking for forgiveness. if someone does something to hurt the other they need to apologize and ask "do you forgive me?" i think this is an important thing. it's hard for anyone to ask for forgiveness, but forgiveness is so important. and if it's instilled in them at a young age, it is hopefully something that will not go away, but stick with them. so as teens and adults if they do something wrong they can ask the other person for forgiveness. and it won't be something difficult to do.

we've also learned to not give our kids' excuses. like say oh that's just the way she/he is. well if the behavior isn't okay. then no. they can't be that way. we showed caitlyn too much grace for way too long. which resulted in fit throwing that could win awards!! when we finally said. wait. NO. you cannot behave like that. just because that is the way you are...doesn't mean that is the way you have to be. even evaleigh is not given excuses. sure she is a baby. but there are certain things she can understand. we went throwing a "pinching" stage during nursing. she'd totally just pinch me on my breast...and it hurt. so i took her off. and told her no. and then gently 'flicked' her hand. she learned in a few feedings she could not pinch. and hasn't done it since. if we show too much grace for too long...the behavior will only get worse. and then harder to correct. we need to be correcting always. if they throw a toy across the room, you tell them they can't do that. you don't "shluff" it off on them being to "little" to get it. they are smarter than we give them credit for. so be sure to always be correcting, not giving excuses. it's not fun to discipline. but it's worth it, when you get the correct behavior the next time.
it may seem drastic sometimes. but i think that all of this hard work i'm putting into parenting my kids will only benefit  me in the end. the no fit throwing rule allows us to eat in peace in public 99.9% of the time. the other traits we carry allows us to parent our children 100% of the time. they know when we say "stop splashing in that puddle" that if they don't obey the first time, there will be consequences. and we should not have to say it more than one time. i've found that if i've allowed the behavior to continue for longer and longer that one of two things will happen. 1. as a parent you just quit asking. they continue to disobey, and aren't made to listen at all. or 2. you get madder and madder and madder. and they continue to disobey. both ways are not the outcome i want. i want my children to obey, not disobey.

my children are not obedient all of the time. in a perfect world maybe. but this ain't no perfect world. so shaun and i, with God directing us, parent our children the way He shows us how. and in the same ways that He parents us. with love. and with loving discipline. oh how i wish i could say i am obedient to God 100% of the time. but the truth is i'm not. because i'm not perfect. but He is. and i'm oh so thankful for that.

i can only pray you've read this with an open heart. like i said, i'm totally not an expert. i've only shared what works for our family. and quite honestly it works well. all praise has to go to God. we always get a people coming up to us in public exclaiming how well our children are behaved. how they've never seen such well behaved children. how proud we should be. oh boy are we proud. proud of the work God has done in our lives and the lives of our children. but i'll admit, it feels a bit awkward to be told all these things, but it also feels pretty darn good. it sort of reassures me, us, that we ARE doing a good job. and heck, who doesn't like a compliment. ;)