finally.

finally. caitlyn is potty trained. finally.

can i just say what a week last week was though? seriously. it was awful. cailtyn is my strong willed. stubborn child. she sat on the potty for 2 1/2 hours one night because she didn't "want to go". she did eventually go. and thankfully it was only one night of that. basically i had to let her know that i wasn't giving in to her. i just sat in the bathroom with her and finished a book. so it was nice for me too. :)

i'm so glad she's trained. and it only took five days. five very long days. but it's over with now. finally.

dustin has gone "pee!!" on the toilet a few times too. i'm not pushing him. mainly because I need the break. i was stressed to the max last week. i was in tears over the crazy potty training. i need a break. if dustin wants to wear unders, as he calls them, i let him and we see what happens. it is funny to hear him yell from the bathroom i PEE. i PEE! i don't know why he calls it pee, because we always call it potty...but whatever.

i miss blogging. i realized that i only have been blogging once a week, if that, and i miss it. it's nice to come on here and just ramble. i know i may bore most of you to tears, but i just love to ramble. :) it feels good to sort of let it all out.

i'm really learning to organize my time better. as i shift things around. cut things out. i'm learning how much time i've wasted before. enough being lazy for this momma. i will not take a picture...but mount popp has grown in my living room today. i've literally washed clothes, but instead of folding them...they piled up in my laundry room. and i hate it. i always get so mad at myself for letting those things "go". i've come to the point in my life where, enough is enough. something HAS to change.

i'm not the one who has a spotless house. really, it isn't that important to me. most days you'll find cheerios on my floors and clothes in the bathroom. and of course toys in most rooms. :) but what is starting to be more important to me...is just to have the house picked up. so when someone calls i don't have to freak out about cleaning up my house. because it IS already picked up. maybe not spic and span clean, but picked up is nice. so i'm not aiming for the "perfect looking" house. i just want it perfect for me. i have five kids. my house isn't going to be spotless.

i'm trying to structure our days some more. and find out what works best for us. i've decided that as nice as it is to sleep til 840 most days...i feel like i get nothing done. and from the moment i wake up i'm "mom". where it'd be nice to be just "amanda" for awhile. so my goal is to start waking up BEFORE my kids. and even if some days it's just to watch the news, it's nice to get some alone time in the morning too. because really i get some "alone" time during the day when they have rest time, but i'm still "mom" too because the girls are awake in their room and sometimes aren't so quiet. after they go to bed (they all go to bed around 830) there is some time for quiet time too. but i'm so exhausted some days i do nothing but sit on my tookie.

my goal is to exercise more. losing weight will be nice. but i've come to the point that the number on the scale does NOT define me. and really how often does someone ask you...so how much do you weigh? the number isn't too big of a deal. it's how i feel about myself and how i feel how i look. i've been seeing a nutritionist for a few  months, and even though i haven't lost many pounds..i've lost over 5 inches in my waist and 1 inch in my thighs. and honestly...it's been minimal exercise and minimal following all the eating rules. so now i need to kick myself in the butt and work a bit harder and accomplish my goals. last night after the kids went to bed i went for a run. it felt good. my goal is to be able to run around our block. which is about 4 miles. so by the end of summer i think i can do it. it may not be fast. it may not even be pretty. but i'm going to do it. and hopefully lose a few more inches in the process. :) i just need to set up a playlist on my ipod for running...i had to keep switching songs last night...i love worship music...but it's super hard to run to slow music. for me anyways.

evaleigh is going to be 11 months old tomorrow. i can hardly believe it's been that long since i had her. she's officially crawling now. and i've noticed even more of her personality shining through. it's so fun.

i also realize how far i've come in the past 11 months. it's been such a rocky road. but one that is getting a bit smoother each day i go. yesterday i was talking to one of shaun's cousins who is having a baby this summer. and i told her you know, if you feel like crap a month after you have the baby...tell someone. i never would've said this to an expecting mom before. but i think it's so important to share. i wasn't trying to scare her, i wasn't trying to tell her she will feel like crap. but *if* she does...to just tell someone. and i shared a bit of my story with her. my belief is that if by sharing my story with everyone...but it only helps one person...i've done my job. post partum depression is nothing to be ashamed of. and neither is depression. there is nothing "wrong" with you for admitting it. for getting help.

a month ago or so i had to attend a funeral of a distant cousin. she decided that life wasn't worth living anymore. she was only in her 20's. when i heard the news i was shocked. saddened. i couldn't imagine. my mom and i attended the funeral, and that's when it hit me hard. I could've been her. it could've been MY family. MY kids. MY friends attending MY funeral. i cried as i went home asking myself "what in the world was I thinking?" and the truth is...at that dark dark time of my life, i wasn't thinking clearly at all. for a few split seconds that seemed like the only answer for me. thankfully the thoughts only were a few split seconds. and God protected me (and my family and friends) i can't go back and change the thoughts and really i'm not so sure i want to. yeah i said that. because it was after that day i realized just how bad it was. how i needed to change my thinking. i think what happened for me is i pushed those deep dark feelings down in a place for awhile, but after having evaleigh and the emotions/horomones were flowing those feelings were there yet and just surfaced again and helped to make my post partum depression worse.

i don't like what i've had to endure. but yet, i'm so thankful for the story i have to share with others. i'm so thankful that God loves me always. that He's never left me. that at times it was ME leaving Him. He stayed put. waiting for me to run into His wide open arms. i'm so thankful for the grace He pours out on me every single day.

one day last week, i freaked out at caitlyn. it was a bad momma moment no doubt. i felt bad about it ever since it happened. i apologized to her soon after i yelled a bit too much and too loud. and she forgave me. but i still felt super bad. and then yesterday at church pastor danny reminded me (well all of us) that God's forgiveness is NEW every morning. His mercies are NEW every morning. that Jesus wipes us clean. we're white as snow. yesterday was also communion at church, and it was so fitting after the week i had to come to His table and thank Him for His forgiveness. for His sacrifice and His never ending love. i'm so thankful that i can rest in His promises. and even though it doesn't make it so my life is a piece of cake, it just makes my life's cake taste a bit better with Him helping me.

so yeah. life is good. even through my week of crazy badness...it was still good. because this week, caitlyn is potty trained. my house is getting the attention it so needs. and God is still here with me. ahhhh.

it's been a long while since i've posted pictures. so i'll leave you with some. i need to get better about posting them. :)

miss evaleigh crawling!!

 amelya for her dance recital. ((you would never guess she was SICK! she was such a champ!))

 by the time breigh and caitlyn's class went on it was 830PM. crazy. and too late. but still cute.

caitlyn was beyond tired. and literally cried the entire time on stage. WHILE doing the dance. i was SO proud of her.

people always tell me that caitlyn and breigh look a lot alike. i can totally see that in this picture of them.

shaun needed to pick stones. breigh, caitlyn and dustin wanted to help. i love this picture. and i love raising "farm kids". ((believe you me...i can't believe i just said that either!!))

we had our church picnic last monday. they had cupcakes. and dustin loved them!!

amelya reading outside. she loves to read. i found a website to "test" reading levels. she tested at a 4th grade 4th month reading level! such a proud momma!

evaleigh LOVES to swing outside. dustin hated it. so it's nice to have a baby who loves it again!

these kids make me smile. and make me realize that all this craziness will soon pass and i'll miss it all...maybe even the potty training...maybe...