i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

jumbled.

sorry for my lack of posting. i've had my computer OFF a lot lately. but today i had to pay a bill. so i figured i should blog too.

mainly because i *need* too. my mind is a jumble of emotions, and i know blogging will help them get a little less jumbled. or maybe make a bit of sense to me. i don't know. all i do know is i'm thankful for this platform to share my heart on. regardless of if it's read or not...i know it helps me a lot. :)

last week friday was the relay for life. it's put on by the american cancer society. i shared the picture of the bag the kiddos colored a bit ago. and i felt it was really important to go to the relay and show them *why* we did it. and because i want them to be able to do things to help remember their papa by. breigh has been full of questions about him lately. and i think it's just awesome. i don't discourage any sort of talk about him and we always try to answer her questions as best as we can. (last night she said "i'm sure daddy's dad (that's what we call him) bought a tractor in heaven." he came up in coversation about heaven because we were talking about the babies that momma had in her belly that went to heaven. ((i think it's highly important that they know/remember they have three siblings waiting for them)) then daddy's dad came up and breigh also said "they're up there with daddy's dad. he probably watches and plays with them". it's just so sweet to see her heart.

at the relay they loved seeing the bag they colored. and they loved the free blow up slide. just being honest! during the luminary cerimony and "lap" is when i struggled the most. they turn off all the lights, and the only lights are the moon/stars above and the luminary bags. and you silently walk around the track. as i pushed a stroller and watched shaun push the other i silently sobbed. i realized how hard it may be for shaun, to see all five of our kids knowing that they haven't met their "daddy's dad". it's always been a bit of a struggle for me to have never met him. to not have had him see his son get married. etc etc etc. but yet i know that my husband is the man he is, because of the man he was. and i know that in one way or another i've "met" him. maybe not personally, but through the stories i hear. and the personality shaun has. breigh found a picture of him the other day, and has sweetly been carrying it around with her. i want them to think/know it's so very natural to talk about daddy's dad. and i think that they've "gotten" it.

as emotional as friday night was, i wasn't expecting the range of emotions to hit our family saturday.

shaun's cousin's brother in law was killed in a car accident early saturday morning. this same family lost a son in 2005 in afghanistan. shaun's cousin was pregnant. i'll tell you i struggled the most with the emotions of knowing that neither of the brothers will meet their niece/nephew. as i talked to shaun on the phone. i said "i just can't imagine knowing that my brothers will never meet my baby." as the words tumbled out of my mouth...i asked myself...does shaun struggle?

shaun had an older brother killed in an accident when he was 4. his brother was around 6. does he wonder what uncle kyle would be like? does he wonder what it'd be like to just have an older brother around? well i'm sure he does wonder those things. but what i didn't know is how much he thinks about it. and does it bug him sometimes. honestly, kyle isn't talked about a whole lot. shaun barely remembers him, so that may be part of it. and i sometimes forget that the kiddos HAVE an uncle kyle. and that sort of bugs me. they know about their other siblings so well and about daddy's dad so well, i want them to know about daddy's brother just as well. to be able to ask questions, wonder things, etc. so i just want to me more mindful in our conversations about all of them. i don't know.

honestly. that's how i feel. i just don't know. i don't know why this death as affected me SO much. i really didn't know him at all. i've seen him at the wedding, and the baby shower. but one thing that sticks heavily on my heart is the last time i saw him. it was at the baby shower. he was just there to drop off a gift HE bought for the baby. he dropped it off and left. but i just remember thinking how cute/cool/sweet it was that an 18 year old was sweet enough to buy a gift and bring it to the shower. i don't know. i'm just emotional like that.

as i struggled through my emotions through all of this the verse that God quietly reminded me of is in Isaish 55:8--“ For My thoughts are not your thoughts,Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.

so even if i wonder why? i know that this IS the reason why. because i don't know God's plans. i don't know His ways. and then He reminds me of Romans 8:28--"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose".

so regardless of all the ugly yucky stinky stuff that happens...it is His ways...and it is all for good. ALL of it.

it doesn't make this any easier for me to deal with. but it gives me the hope of His promises. and to know that He hasn't broken any of His promises to me. and never will.

and i must share the good thing that happened yesterday. shaun's cousin had her baby. it's a GIRL. so they have a spurt of joy in this time of sorrow. she was just a week early. and healthy and as beautiful as ever.

i really hope this makes some sort of sense. if nothing else...it's really helped me pour out a bit of my heart and feel better. it is so nice for me to have this place to write out my jumbled feelings. because i'll be honest...this has scared me that i'm falling into places i don't want to fall into. deep dark places i never want to see again. keeping these feelings stuck inside i think would help drag me back there. blogging them helps me get them out. make sense of them to myself. and continue on the path i need to be on.

after battling depression and winning over it. it still in my head how easily i could fall back into it. but i think being aware is the first step of not falling back into it. God is good. and He is my help through all of it.

thanks for reading. thanks for praying. thanks for bearing with me. :)

8 loving words from you.:

Beth said...

Death is so hard and honestly you never know when those emotions will hit you - I struggle that Brady will never remember my dad. I just hope the girls do. We too encourage the talk and/or questions about those who have gone before us. The hope of knowing that we will see them again is what gets you through the hard times.

Ashley said...

similarly to your house, adam doesn't get mentioned in our house a lot either and i often wonder how often jay thinks about him etc, like you do with shaun and kyle. and like you and shaun with your kiddos, we never shy away from talking about adam when ayden has any questions about him. our children may not grow up ever getting to meet their uncles during this lifetime, but they will surely know about them and that they will see them again someday! :)

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry for your family's loss, Amanda. It is so hard to deal with those feelings that come from loss...it just makes you realize how fragile life is. I'm glad you are sharing your feelings. Just keep telling that devil to get behind you and keep trusting God to bring you through. Love ya!

Stephanie said...

"but i think being aware is the first step of not falling back into it. God is good. and He is my help through all of it." oh, these words are SO true for me. i know exactly what you mean. praying for you, sweet friend!

ACW said...

Good luck, friend. Death is very hard on me too.

Becky Schmidt said...

amanda i believe your feelings on death are very common, tho I dont know you personally i can tell you are an amazing mom. keeping you in my thoughts

Kristen Beckman (BGGB) said...

I could reeeaaalllly use this! I've been eating better and walking this week since the boys went back to school, but I've been following your FB posts and thinking maybe I should order this. I'll wait to see if I can win it first! That would make my month!

Holly said...

I think about death a lot more than I used to since Carleigh. I still talk about her often to my girls and I laugh when I mix up their names and call one of them Carleigh b/c it's so natural. I think it is important for our children to know them ever though they're not on this earth. We will get to see them in Heaven!