i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Friday, December 09, 2011

on my mind.

if you have not heard, michelle duggar had a miscarriage. when i found out yesterday my heart dropped. i feel awful for them. i do not care if it was their 20th baby. a miscarriage is devestating.

i've seen a TON of people saying, well maybe this is God's way of telling them they're done. well they already have 19 kids. enough is enough. maybe now she'll learn.

can i tell you how much it hurts my heart to hear these things? i can't even begin to tell you.

from someone who has been there, and heard some of those very same things. they hurt. regardless if you have kids already or not. the comments hurt like crazy.

i remember after losing our second baby in 09, i was at the mall with the four. (aged about 4,3,2,1) and someone looked at me and said, well you aren't having more are you. (with a look of disgust on her face) i honestly don't remember my answer to her. but i remember crying in the mall bathroom because of the hurt i was still feeling from losing two babies in a few months. i'm holding back tears now. what sometimes people fail to remember, or maybe think of, is that you don't know the story behind the smile.

everyone has their own story. their own hurts. and you can't tell, most of the time, what they are just by looking at them. i've made myself become more mindful of the things I say because of the things that have been said to me through things.

nothing hurts more when you are suffering a miscarriage and have someone tell you, well maybe it's God's way of telling you to slow down, your body can't handle it. *maybe* that could be what God is telling me. but when you are suffering through the very event, it hurts to hear that. after the fog settles after a miscarriage and you search out exactly what God was doing, you'll realize that He works all things out for good. and even as disgusting and devestating a miscarriage can be...good can, and DOES come from it.

and i don't care how many children michelle duggar already has. a loss is a loss. a baby is a baby. it was her child. she is mourning the loss of a child. a child she never got to hear cry. see crawl. walk. grow up. a child she will only get to hold in her hands and wonder "what it would've been like." if you have never gone through something like that...i'm so glad. and if you have...you know exactly how hard it is. to say that they already have 19 kids, is so silly. i'll admit...it's stupid. ignorant. if you've never suffered a loss, you have no idea how hard it is to be so stinkin' excited about that positive test. start picking out names. only to be told, there is no heartbeat. and to have to go through the process of having a "surgery", or even sometimes having to deliver this baby, or waiting for your body to realize there isn't a pregnancy anymore.

it sucks. it down right sucks. and the very God who took that baby away from you. is the very God you cling to through all of it. and the only thing that can get you through something so devestating.

and when your due date rolls around, your mind wonders and imagines what that precious baby would look like. who it would take after. what your family would be like with that precious baby. the reality you know, is how your family is without them.

this is the third miscarriage that i have heard of in recent weeks. and each time i hear of one...my heart breaks into pieces. tears form in my eyes. and it takes me back to the emotions that come with it. and how they must be feeling. i honestly hate it.

i hate that anyone has to feel those things. go through those things. i wish i could take away the hurt for them. i pray that they never have to feel those feelings again.

through all of the "hate" of it. i trust God. and know His plan truly is good. i think it's okay to get sad, mad, upset, etc about it...as long as there is no sin attached to it. it's what we do with the feelings that matter the most. and i do my best to be there for my friends.

because believe it or not, even though i've gone through a miscarraige three times. (once before amelya, twice between dustin and evaleigh) i have NO idea what to say. because there is nothing i can say to make it better.

my advice, not that you asked, but in case you're wondering...is just a hug. or a what can i get for you at the store. or here's dinner, enjoy! or did you want me to take (one of their kids if they have one) for awhile. or i'm praying. be there for them. you don't have to SAY anything. just be there to listen to them. to cry with them. to hold them. to love them. and a few months down the road, ask them how they're doing. when their due date comes up, remember it. and then ask them how they're doing.

because sometimes it feels as if the only person who remembers those babies. are the mommas. i KNOW that is not the case. but it feels weird to maybe talk about the baby you never met either. let me tell you...it meant so much to me when people asked how i was doing after losing our babies. it showed me that i wasn't the only one who remembered my precious babies.

i have so much on my heart about this topic. mainly because it is so close and dear to my heart. i don't want women to be "ashamed" they had to suffer a loss. or to cover it up. or not tell people.

nothing made me more excited the other night when a friend on facebook, who has suffered through two miscarriages, announced her pregnancy...at 7 weeks. to not be scared to share the pregnancy before "knowing". to allow people to pray for you from the beginning. ((the only thing i wish i could do differently is share our pregnancy in august of 09, and then share we lost the baby. it was a lot harder sharing a baby who was no longer with us, and that no one knew about in the first place.))

i don't know the "proper" way to end a post like this. it feels all over the place. but i really just wanted to share what was on my mind about it. to caution those who want to say hurtful things, to think about what they say. and to encourage those of you who know someone who has suffered a miscarriage, to talk to them.

i'm off to wake up my precious evaleigh. the four big kids were with their nana last night, making Christmas goodies. it is WAY TOO quiet here! and i miss them something terrible. i actually almost cried yesterday when they left. i've never gotten like that before. and i'm super excited for them to be home again. blessed. that's me.

8 loving words from you.:

Verna said...

I'm with you. A baby is a baby, and regardless how many children you have it is still a part of your family!

Hugs to you for the little ones of yours that are in Heaven. May all who loose little angels feel God's love surround them and know they are in the care of our heavenly father in heaven!

Linda said...

Beautifully written. Straight from the heart! I think people are so cruel sometimes.

Over the years people have said so many hurtful things to me about our middle daughter Lynnette who has lost 2 baby boys after they were born...and then their 6 yr, old daughter Anna...(and she also miscarried this year) They say things like... "Are they done now?" "That's so hard on a body to have so many kids...they should stop." "How can they afford so many kids?"

I always want to say "which one of these precious kids shouldn't have been born? God planned each one of them!" "And I love each of them so very much...including the ones in heaven...and the Lord planned them all."

People just don't get it.
But what you wrote her is very good. I hope lots of people read it.

Linda

Linda said...

Oops! *what you wrote "here"...not her.

Stephanie said...

This is beautifully written, Amanda. I was so sad when I read some of the mean comments people wrote when she announced her pregnancy...and then how awful that they would say even WORSE things after a miscarriage. I've never suffered a miscarriage, but I would never, ever tell someone the things people have said about the Duggars. Because a baby is a LIFE, no matter what - and I can only imagine the grief they are enduring - especially since she was already 20 weeks along.

When Almanzo was in the NICU, my MIL drove the 8 hours here and 8 hours back just to be here with us for 24 hours. She stayed up with Ted in the middle of the night when Valerie was inconsolable and shared her stories of miscarriage with him. She lost two babies, both were far enough along that she delivered them and even named them. They had their own funeral and buried them at home. Ted said it almost made him cry hearing her share those stories.

Every time I hear of a miscarriage it breaks my heart too and reminds me how precious my two children are. Because, I know that without the medical care we received I would not have EITHER of them here with me today. Thank you for sharing this post - you wrote it so well!

(Also, I've been meaning to ask you to pray for another friend of mine who just had another miscarriage - one in September and one just this week. It breaks my heart because I know how much you grieved your losses. I would never wish it on anyone...)

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

So well said.

I lost a baby after having 6 babies in 6 years. I was certainly told that maybe we should be done ... maybe we should be thankful for the 6 we already have ... maybe ...

I am so glad that we didn't listen to the naysayers. My miscarriage was NOT "God's way of telling us we should quit having children". Oh. My. No.

I had another miscarriage after 12 children. Yes. 12.

My 2nd miscarriage was just this year ... at age 49. No one embraced us. No one grieved with us. No one showed us the least bit of care or concern. Why? Because they all thought that we shouldn't be having any more children. So sad. So. Very. Sad.

I can't imagine having 20 children, like the Duggars. But, most people can't imagine having 12 children, either.

Blessings to you and your crew/gang/houseful.


Laurel
mama of a dozen
ages 9, 10, 11, 13, 15, 18, 21, 22, 22, 24. 26. 27

Mommy to those Special Ks said...

Ohhh... I hadn't heard this yet and it makes me sad, too. I know they're controversial, but I have enjoyed their family so... I feel so badly for all of them because I know how much they're grieving right now. *sigh*. Anyway, great post. I hope people read it and really think about how hurtful their words can be.

Holly said...

I so agree. I hate the comments being said and some I have heard from mothers who have even lost and it makes me sick. We above all should know how such insensitive comments can hurt and should KNOW BETTER than to do it to someone else. I hate how their loss is being minimized just because people think they have too many kids. At least their kids are taken care of and loved, which is a lot more than people with 1 kid can say.

CrysHouse said...

My husband and I have been trying for seven years to conceive. We have been pregnant once and lost that pregnancy after ten weeks. I don't care how many babies Michelle Duggar has had. I feel for her. Because of what we've been through, I would take as many babies as God was willing to give us. And I still pray it isn't over for us. I just know that it doesn't matter how many babies she's held--she was excited about THAT one. She was ready for THAT one. She loved THAT one...just as much as she loved the others. And s/he died. It's devastating. I pray her family is bringing her comfort.