i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Monday, May 14, 2012


the other week i was really have a hard week. i expressed it to shaun, which is huge for me! i usually wait for him to come to me if he sees something wrong. i took the step to talk to him because i knew it would help.
the next morning i found this on the cupboard for me...

it's a sweet encouraging note from shaun. he typically doesn't have a ton of time in the morning, so that he took the time to write me a note...blessed me to tears. it was a very encouraging note and is really what i needed after the days i had been having. i'll admit, i took a picture of it and posted it on facebook. 

when shaun got home he said, i see you were showing me off again...i smiled and said, YES I WAS! 
i really didn't think of it as "showing off", but as sharing how blessed i am. blessed more than i deserve with a husband who puts up with me. i know i can be difficult at times, yet he continues to put up with it. 

for years before i ever met shaun i struggled with feeling loved. i knew people loved me, but didn't understand why. or the people who seemed to love me, "had" to because they were my family. i'm not sure where these feelings ever came from. but they're a huge struggle. shaun was the first boy who ever stuck with me through things, when he didn't "have" to. he stayed out past curfew, because he knew something was bugging me and i needed to talk. ((that was "the" night i knew, he was "the one". and it was only a few months into our relationship))

shaun showed me human unconditional love in a way i never knew possible. then i was introduced to Jesus...and well my life was forever changed. because for the first time in my life i was shown the relationship aspect of Jesus Christ. i needed to repent from my sins and turn away from them and to start a relationship with the Lord. and then allow Him to work in my life and to follow what He had for my life. 

was it an instant "change". absolutely not. i don't have a "radical" testimony. i just have a testimony of someone who felt super unloved. met a boy who showed me love. and met a Savior who showed me the ultimate love. 

if i said i didn't struggle with these feelings still, i'd be lying. it goes in waves. but sometimes i find myself wondering why anyone would want to hang out with me. i honestly am not writing this to be told, OH YOU ARE SO COOL! i'm just trying to be real, and by being real...it's sharing what i feel. real things. 

online you can come across however you choose to really. i try to be as "real" as possible. although...i know i'm way more "open" here than i am in real life. i will spill my heart to you in real life, but you generally have to know what to ask/talk about before that happens. i won't just spill it on you, without some prodding. i think i'm more "open" here because i don't have to see you reading it. or see your reaction. i can say that "i don't care what you think" and really truly mean it. but it's harder to "mean it" in person, when you can see what the other person thinks. i guess it's easier to be hurt in person, so i hide behind the screen a little bit in that aspect. 

but praise God, because i'm growing. i know that it isn't okay to hold everything in, and i haven't been near as much as i used to. so it's really a good thing! :) i also know that i'm important. it's hard to remember, or understand sometimes. but i'm so thankful for the Lord and His relationship with me...and for the fantastic friends that He has blessed me with, and make me realize...i am a little cool. :) 

1 loving words from you.:

Stephanie said...

friend, i love this today, because it is raw and honest and beautiful. and it was exactly what i needed to read today - because i'm struggling with knowing whether to continue sharing those "real" parts of me on my blog because i want so desperately to protect myself from being hurt (again). i know god has given me that space and a story to share, but when someone uses that against me, it hurts so, so much. but your words reminded me that no matter what someone else thinks of me, HE loves me flaws and all. and i know WHOSE i am - and THAT is all that matters. and, for the record, i really DO love you. :)