i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Friday, December 28, 2012

what He sees fit.

the other week we had "super clean your room day". which means we need to clean everything. under beds. on tops of dressers. everything. then we vacuum and do all that sort of stuff. we try to do it once a week, and for sure every other. it helps us keep on top of things and makes it less crazy every other day. every other day the kids are expected to do a "good clean" of their rooms. and every day they need to be picked up. life is a lot easier when their rooms are clean. and it makes us all happier.

the kids are expected to clean their own rooms. because while they're doing theirs, i'm working on mine. it forces them to learn how to take care of their own things. how to clean. and how to respect their things. and really, it helps me manage our home easier.

as i walked into dustin's room and saw the tractors all lined up...i stopped and sat on his floor. and just stared at them. i wondered at how our life would be if we had been "done" after the three girls. how different our life would be without a little boy and his tractors all in his room. 

i almost cried, actually. just at the blessings of God. that He has a plan for our family. and not US planning our family. after we had caitlyn and said we were done i can still remembering praying on my way to walmart that even though we hadn't been given a boy as a child (mainly because i THOUGHT caitlyn was a boy), i was so thankful for the children He blessed me with. and then a few weeks later i found out i was pregnant! 

after losing the two babies between dustin and evaleigh, pregnancy scares me. A LOT. in fact it's part of the reason i am so done having babies. i don't want to have the chance to go through losing a baby again.

and then i sit back and realize that God is in control.

i'll tell you a secret. this month i took a pregnancy test. i just felt different. was super tired, etc etc etc. and even though i knew the chances were slim to none i was pregnant, i figured there is always failure rates. ;) when it came back negative i was relieved...and then realized i would've been okay if it had been positive. 

when shaun and i talked about it, we really didn't feel like we "wanted" another baby. yet, i keep searching my heart and wonder what God is trying to tell me HE wants. does that even make sense? i'm not opposed to the idea of another baby (although, we'd have to get a new vehicle, and that scares me a bit...) but yet, i don't "want" another baby. i have no desire to have another baby. i really don't know. ((i'm also not the typical woman who can get "baby fixes". i LOVE other peoples babies. but i am not the gushy one all up in the baby's business. i don't "need" to hold them. i don't get a fix from them. so, i'm weird...but you all knew that!))

all i do know. is that i'm glad our insurance requires a one year waiting period for a vasectomy. because we've been using this year to really pray for God's answer. and we have six more months to wait and pray. because i fully believe that God directs our paths. in whichever way HE sees fit.

 because ultimately, we just want whatever He wants for us. nothing more and nothing less.

2 loving words from you.:

Alicia W said...

Family planning is serious business! Sometimes I wish we just got a paper that said how many kids to have and when to have them! But good luck in your decisions. I know you'll make the right ones.

Jessica-MomForHim said...

I completely hear where you are coming from. Going to #6 was scary for me, too, and the new vehicle thing was a factor, although it seems lame! But as we searched our hearts and talked and prayed about it, I found all my reasons for being done were selfish ones. We also wanted what He wants for our family. We'll welcome #6 in June!