i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

{real life}

i think we can all be a bit guilty of sunshine and rainbows on our blogs or facebook.

i think that sometimes it's easier to remember only the good things in our lives.

but then...real life happens.

real life that isn't sunshine and rainbows.

real life that you wish was easy to forget.

but today...today i want to blog about real life.

real life that even though i'd like to forget, i don't think i will. and i think actually, that it's a good thing.

real life, that by blogging about will help me through it all.


today. i lost it.

something got so overwhelming in me that i lost it.

i yelled.

maybe it should be screamed.

at my kids.

i screamed at my kids.

i got so overwhelmed that i yelled at my kids.

and they cried.

each one of them.

each one of the big kids cried when i yelled.

after i yelled.

i cried.

i sobbed.

i didn't know what to do.

i apologized.

i cried and sobbed and apologized all at the same time.

in the midst of it all...

amelya shut down.

breigh took action and called shaun home.

caitlyn stared.

dustin rubbed my arm and said, it's okay mom. it's okay.

evaleigh held my hand and said, we 'give you mom. it's okay. we 'give you. ('give=forgive)

fletcher slept through it all and will thankfully remember none of it.

a lot of times people always say, how do you do it? i don't know how you do it?

today, i failed at doing it.

today, i broke.

today, i realized that my reliance was only on myself and not on the Lord.

today, i realized that i'm a failure who is redeemed by the Lord.

which makes me not a failure at all.

shaun came home from work, not fully understanding what exactly was going on.

he came home to a wife that was ashamed to look into his loving eyes.

who was ashamed to even ASK for forgiveness from him for yelling at his kids.

i came broken before him and all at the same time realize how broken we must be before coming to the Lord.

maybe there has been a part of me holding on to something in my life with my kids that i've never fully been broken of. so...

today i came to the Lord broken and beat down...

and came away restored and built up.

i truly can't even explain what happened today.

i can't even explain what overwhelmed me and took over in my to yell like i did.

i can't explain the love i felt from each one of my kids as they accepted my apology.

i can't explain the love i felt from my husband who lovingly accepted me broken and beat down.

i can't explain the feeling of the Lord being at the center of us as we prayed as a family before shaun went back to work.

what i CAN explain, is that i'm SO thankful i'm forgiven.

forgiven by my five sweet children (old enough to forgive).

forgiven by my husband.

and more so. and most important.

forgiven by the one who came to save me.

so sweet friends.


real life happens.

to all of us.

life is not all sunshine and rainbows.

life is about remembering the good things...

but it's also about remembering these "bad" things.

because they break us.

they change us.

they grow us.

and that is a good thing.

a very good thing.

3 loving words from you.:

ashleyjnc said...

Oh Amanda, I'm sorry. I think every parent loses it sometimes. I'm shocked that you haven't yelled before now..for your kids to be in shock, you must do pretty darn good at keeping it together. He is Mighty To Save! He will save your kids' hearts, he will save you, he just saves. It is good for your kids to realize we all live an imperfect life, and that yes, even mommy makes mistakes, and has to humble herself before them, and before God. If you are having a hard time with baby blues, seek help, there is no shame in any of it. You know this I know, you've written about it before. Thanks for being real. We struggle so much with image, there are things about parenting that are not glamorous, they are hard and exhausting, beautiful and sometimes awful, and it is okay to say it!

-stephanie- said...

You made me cry too, because you had a big lesson on how much of a nothing we are without Christ, and you learned that lesson. yay!
Forgiveness all around is great!

Love the new header.

Amy Faulkner said...

Been there, and I only have one child so far. Kudos to you for being brave and putting it out there. Bless you and your family!