i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

how it's going...

i just wanted to give you all a quick update on life lately. if you're not sure why i would need to do that please read the post below this one first. then come on back up here. i'll wait.....

...okay.

so things are getting a lot easier today. a lot. the past two days have been difficult at times. but i've persevered. and god has helped me the most. he's given me the peace i've so needed through this time. and for that i am so thankful.

i must also say how overwhelmingly blessed i've been by all of your comments on my blog, on facebook and twitter and to my email. words CAN NOT describe the blessed feeling i felt. thank you does not seem words enough to tell you all. but yet are the only words i can express. so thank you. from the deepest bottom of my heart and shaun's. every night since monday, so yesterday i guess, i've told him story upon story about a sweet comment or email i've gotten. he too feels so extremely blessed by it. and today i have more to tell him. so thank you thank you thank you. thank you.

getting through this has been so much easier with the love and support of my god. my family. and my friends. and i consider all of you just that. my friends. i do not 'know' most of you in real life. i've never talked to most of you on the phone or even by chat or email. but yet you care. you care enough to pray for me. to leave kind words and sweet comments. for that i am so thankful. i wish i could call you all up and tell you personally how much it means to me. but i guess it's a little strange huh? and really i like leaving messages the best, so i would make sure you weren't home so i could leave you a message instead. yep. i'm that goofy. so i was thinking. scarier yet. that i really want to do SOMETHING to show my appreciation. so i'm asking you this. IF you feel fine enough with me knowing your address i would L.O.V.E to hand write a thank you note to you. because i feel reading this is not enough. i want to be able to express just how much i'm thankful personally to each one of you. in writing. my writing. so if you're 'cool' with that i'd love your address. i promise to not share it with anyone else and it will not be put on any mailing list. :0) so if you're 'cool' with all that please email me. because i know it wouldn't be all 'cool' to leave it in these comments. :0) and besides it's way cooler to get a note in the mail than a bill or something less cool.

shaun's grandma totally blessed us with supper last night. homemade chicken noodle soup. yummy. and perfect. because i didn't feel like doing anything yesterday. i washed diapers, only because i had like ten left, and that's it. we played outside ALL afternoon. like from two til six. and it was so fun. it was so fun to hang out with the kiddos and treasure that time with them. today we got back 'in the swing' of things. we went to story time and mcd's. it was nice to get out of the house. and just talk to someone. just one other mommy friend could make it today. and we had a great time talking at mcd's and it felt nice to talk in person about the stuff going on. i'm so proud of myself for not bawling at all today either. :0) i know it's okay. and if i feel the need to, i do. but it's nice to be able to 'remember' and not cry. you know?

it actually all feels like a dream. like it all never happened. i actually have caught myself thinking 'when this baby comes...' and i have to remember this baby isn't coming here. and i remember this baby is already enjoying eternity with our savior. how fun is THAT!?! this baby is probably being loved on by it's great grandma, and it's uncle kyle and 'daddy's daddy' (that's what we always call shaun's dad to the kiddos) and of course it's older sibling. i will share this with you all too...when i was pregnant the very first time i had every inkling that it was a boy. and totally feel that way. i'll be honest with 'this baby' i was 'hoping' for a boy, but really thought girl the entire time. i truly feel that god gave me those feelings 'right away' because he knew i would not find out on earth. so i truly feel that i have a baby boy and a baby girl waiting for me. maybe that all seems silly, but i believe it, and can't wait to find out.

it truly feels so nice to be at 'peace' about all of this. to be 'okay' about all of it. i know that the memories of the six precious weeks i was given with this baby will never leave me, but it's nice to be able to move on as well and not dwell on all of it. this was not an easy place to get to. yesterday i wanted to stay in bed and not get out ever. i wanted to just drive and not turn back. i wanted to walk and keep walking. BUT god. he saw me through those dark dark places and turned me to his face and his loving arms and said come here child. so i went. to him. and those dark dark places got not so dark. they grew lighter. and i could see clearly. i knew it was all going to be okay. god held me close. and continues to. he never lets go of me. it's ME who slowly pulls away and tries to do things on my own. and then i realize i can't. i just can't do those things on my own. none of us can. try as we may we'll fail. every time. it just us to realize that and turn to god.

i could have gone through none of this without him. without having the perfect peace of his will. sure i went through a 'downer' time, but i had him to turn to. i don't know what i would do with out having him to turn to. you know i probably do, i would be a big dark mess. with christ i can be a mess, but he helps me organize it all...now if he only did housework ;0). he helps me organize my feelings. and see him for who he really is. GOD. he's GOD. who am i to question his motives and works? he's in full control of my life. his plans are not my plans. his ways are not my ways. and all his plans work out for good. all of them. not just some. but all. if you really want to know more about how i can say all these things and mean them with every fiber of my soul, i'd love to tell you how i can. email me. i will say this. i am not 'religious'. i don't have a 'religion'. i have jesus. a personal relationship with him. and you can have that too. how cool is that!?! that we can spend eternity together, with jesus and each other!!? heaven is going to be such a blast.

i really meant for this to be a quick update! it's turned into a long update. oh well. breigh and dustin just woke up from naps. and amelya is busy doing 'school'. i'm amazed at her sponge like qualities. she just soaks it all up. the other day she saw a 'fuzzy dandelion' and asked me if this winter it would re-seed itself!?! then i said, who told you that? she said i did. i do not remember telling her that about dandelions. i know i told her that about our asparagus patch but never dandelions. crazy i tell ya.

shaun is working late tonight. he had to be in by five this morning and has to work late. no fair. but he gets to drive our tractor all day, so i know that he is secretly having a great day at work. :0) he has to work this weekend. and is going to try to not have to work a full day on monday. that's the thing about farms. cows don't know to take off for a holiday, but as a nursing mother i do not think i would handle it so well if someone said...woah wait, it's a holiday no milking today. i'd probably hurt them. so i get it. :0) and i can't believe i just said all that. see i am feeling better! :0)

thanks again guys. for everything. i love you guys! :0) and i'm really serious about that whole sending you a card thing!!


27 loving words from you.:

Booklover1212 said...

Amanda -

My heart breaks reading all that you've been through. We just went through a similar experience with our dear friends a few weeks ago...it was their first baby.

I said another prayer for you & Baby "Otis" tonight. Before I go to bed tonight I will pray for your entire family and that you continue to feel God's healing & peace.

Big Hugs!

~ Jennifer

heidi said...

Keeping you in my thoughts, Amanda.

Meg said...

I am so glad that you are feeling better today. I am still sending you big hugs and prayers!

&heart;

Kelli said...

Just wanted to let you know that we are still thinking and praying for you! We are blessed to have you be part of our lives! Maybe when you are feeling up to it we can get together again? let me know!

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

So glad you're doing better. I've never been through it, so I can't imagine the pain you must feel. Your faith is amazing, friend. What a witness you are being for our Lord!

Mama Notes said...

Thank you for sharing your heart with us! You're in my thoughts and prayers, girl. :)

Jennifer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emily said...

Still thinking and praying for you Amanda!

Verna said...

my heart aches for you. May God continue to hold you in the palm of his hand and comfort you daily.
Will pray for you and your family.

Jennifer said...

I just wanted you to know that I'm having issues with my email. So I'll leave a message on here instead. We are still praying for you guys. I am so sorry that I can't take the pain away. Only God can. Keep your eyes on him, and he will give you peace.

Following Him said...

Still praying sweet mama! You are an amazing Christ lover, wife, mother, and friend. I will email you my address first thing in the morning. Praying and sending you love!
~Elyse

-stephanie- said...

Hmmm, you just compared yourself to a cow. Welcome back.

And yup...heaven is going to be a blast!

Mom2Valerie said...

Such sweet and honest words - thank you for sharing, Amanda...and for being such a testimony to who God is. I love when you talked about how you were hurting BUT GOD pulled you up out of the storm and helped you see through the darkness to what He has in store for you. Such a beautiful truth!

I am SO looking forward to meeting you in real life and giving you a BIG hug!

Veronica said...

Still thinking and praying for you today. I love how you mention how you are not religious, you just have a personal relationship with God. That is exactly how I feel about things. It's all about where your heart is, and your relationship with Him. Praying that you'll continue to feel His peace.

Megan R. said...

You and your family are still in my prayers. I wish I had something better than that to say to you, though. I think of you often through the day, and just want to give you a hug! C and I are thinking of you.

Jeffiner said...

So glad you're feeling better....prayers and hugs to you!

Jennifer W. said...

Hi. I won an award with you on Kelli's blog and followed her link here. I am truly sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and your family that God will give you peace and wash you in His love. It was really nice to meet you! I look forward to reading more about you and your family!
Jen

Kelli said...

I read your post last night and had a million things I wanted to tell you, but nothing felt right...just know that I am praying for you and thinking of you!

Martha said...

To be honest with you, you were my inspiration to conquer my depression for the past few days. I even talked to my husband about you, if she can overcome this then I can too!! :) Thank you for helping me through this and I will continue to keep you in my prayers <3 I'll be e-mailing you my address ;-)

~*Michelle*~ said...

You know you are always on my heart, sweet sister in Christ.

I see Jesus walking with you...

Lara said...

Cow comment--too funny. I think of you and your family throughout the day. Just reading your blog is enough of a "thanks!" I'm in the midst of thank you's to people who have helped me out lately, and it's quite the task with 4 little ones. It seems as if I never have the time to get it all done. So, I will consider your words on your blog a "thanks!" and give you that much more time to spend with those sweet babes.

Alicia said...

I kept thinking about leaving a comment, but the fact that I just barely met you (not even in real life) I felt a little like I was intruding, but like your post said, knowing people care means something, so I thought I leave a note. I was the winner of the diapers that didn't get back to you in time because I went into labor early, but I wanted to say that I admire your faith. Seeing the big picture of Heavenly Father's plan for you takes great strength and He will not leave you comfortless. Thank you for giving us a great example. And since I'm a new mom, the breatfeeding cow comment really brought a smile. Wit and graciousness amidst tough times- you are resilient.

A little piece of 7th heaven said...

Amanda..just know you are in my thoughts and prays.
Annmarie

Five Moms & A Blog said...

Thanks for popping by on my post day over at the 5 moms.
Don't you worry...it will be a whole lot of random nothingness. I do enjoy those posts.
Hope you have a great weekend.
Hugs,
Mimi

E @ Scottsville said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better for now. =0) I hope you can have a great weekend with your family. Just soak up all that love that those four little ones can give!

Chic Mama said...

I just wanted to send you a big hug! This is my first time reading your blog, but I already feel so connected with you! I experienced a miscarriage about a year and a half ago and it was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through! I completely know what you mean about just "knowing" what gender it was- I know that Micah, my little boy, is waiting for me in heaven. Thank you for your sweet and honest blog- I will definitely be following (your button is up on my blog)! My prayers are with you sweet mama!

MacKenzie

Dazzled by Diapers said...

I have been praying my heart out for you. I hardly know you and when I saw your news, I couldn't even write to tell you how sorry I am. I just prayed everyday for you and your family. I do understand that it is God's plan, but then again sometimes I just don't.

I pray that God brings you and your husband closer together and blesses your family. XX