how it's going...

i just wanted to give you all a quick update on life lately. if you're not sure why i would need to do that please read the post below this one first. then come on back up here. i'll wait.....

...okay.

so things are getting a lot easier today. a lot. the past two days have been difficult at times. but i've persevered. and god has helped me the most. he's given me the peace i've so needed through this time. and for that i am so thankful.

i must also say how overwhelmingly blessed i've been by all of your comments on my blog, on facebook and twitter and to my email. words CAN NOT describe the blessed feeling i felt. thank you does not seem words enough to tell you all. but yet are the only words i can express. so thank you. from the deepest bottom of my heart and shaun's. every night since monday, so yesterday i guess, i've told him story upon story about a sweet comment or email i've gotten. he too feels so extremely blessed by it. and today i have more to tell him. so thank you thank you thank you. thank you.

getting through this has been so much easier with the love and support of my god. my family. and my friends. and i consider all of you just that. my friends. i do not 'know' most of you in real life. i've never talked to most of you on the phone or even by chat or email. but yet you care. you care enough to pray for me. to leave kind words and sweet comments. for that i am so thankful. i wish i could call you all up and tell you personally how much it means to me. but i guess it's a little strange huh? and really i like leaving messages the best, so i would make sure you weren't home so i could leave you a message instead. yep. i'm that goofy. so i was thinking. scarier yet. that i really want to do SOMETHING to show my appreciation. so i'm asking you this. IF you feel fine enough with me knowing your address i would L.O.V.E to hand write a thank you note to you. because i feel reading this is not enough. i want to be able to express just how much i'm thankful personally to each one of you. in writing. my writing. so if you're 'cool' with that i'd love your address. i promise to not share it with anyone else and it will not be put on any mailing list. :0) so if you're 'cool' with all that please email me. because i know it wouldn't be all 'cool' to leave it in these comments. :0) and besides it's way cooler to get a note in the mail than a bill or something less cool.

shaun's grandma totally blessed us with supper last night. homemade chicken noodle soup. yummy. and perfect. because i didn't feel like doing anything yesterday. i washed diapers, only because i had like ten left, and that's it. we played outside ALL afternoon. like from two til six. and it was so fun. it was so fun to hang out with the kiddos and treasure that time with them. today we got back 'in the swing' of things. we went to story time and mcd's. it was nice to get out of the house. and just talk to someone. just one other mommy friend could make it today. and we had a great time talking at mcd's and it felt nice to talk in person about the stuff going on. i'm so proud of myself for not bawling at all today either. :0) i know it's okay. and if i feel the need to, i do. but it's nice to be able to 'remember' and not cry. you know?

it actually all feels like a dream. like it all never happened. i actually have caught myself thinking 'when this baby comes...' and i have to remember this baby isn't coming here. and i remember this baby is already enjoying eternity with our savior. how fun is THAT!?! this baby is probably being loved on by it's great grandma, and it's uncle kyle and 'daddy's daddy' (that's what we always call shaun's dad to the kiddos) and of course it's older sibling. i will share this with you all too...when i was pregnant the very first time i had every inkling that it was a boy. and totally feel that way. i'll be honest with 'this baby' i was 'hoping' for a boy, but really thought girl the entire time. i truly feel that god gave me those feelings 'right away' because he knew i would not find out on earth. so i truly feel that i have a baby boy and a baby girl waiting for me. maybe that all seems silly, but i believe it, and can't wait to find out.

it truly feels so nice to be at 'peace' about all of this. to be 'okay' about all of it. i know that the memories of the six precious weeks i was given with this baby will never leave me, but it's nice to be able to move on as well and not dwell on all of it. this was not an easy place to get to. yesterday i wanted to stay in bed and not get out ever. i wanted to just drive and not turn back. i wanted to walk and keep walking. BUT god. he saw me through those dark dark places and turned me to his face and his loving arms and said come here child. so i went. to him. and those dark dark places got not so dark. they grew lighter. and i could see clearly. i knew it was all going to be okay. god held me close. and continues to. he never lets go of me. it's ME who slowly pulls away and tries to do things on my own. and then i realize i can't. i just can't do those things on my own. none of us can. try as we may we'll fail. every time. it just us to realize that and turn to god.

i could have gone through none of this without him. without having the perfect peace of his will. sure i went through a 'downer' time, but i had him to turn to. i don't know what i would do with out having him to turn to. you know i probably do, i would be a big dark mess. with christ i can be a mess, but he helps me organize it all...now if he only did housework ;0). he helps me organize my feelings. and see him for who he really is. GOD. he's GOD. who am i to question his motives and works? he's in full control of my life. his plans are not my plans. his ways are not my ways. and all his plans work out for good. all of them. not just some. but all. if you really want to know more about how i can say all these things and mean them with every fiber of my soul, i'd love to tell you how i can. email me. i will say this. i am not 'religious'. i don't have a 'religion'. i have jesus. a personal relationship with him. and you can have that too. how cool is that!?! that we can spend eternity together, with jesus and each other!!? heaven is going to be such a blast.

i really meant for this to be a quick update! it's turned into a long update. oh well. breigh and dustin just woke up from naps. and amelya is busy doing 'school'. i'm amazed at her sponge like qualities. she just soaks it all up. the other day she saw a 'fuzzy dandelion' and asked me if this winter it would re-seed itself!?! then i said, who told you that? she said i did. i do not remember telling her that about dandelions. i know i told her that about our asparagus patch but never dandelions. crazy i tell ya.

shaun is working late tonight. he had to be in by five this morning and has to work late. no fair. but he gets to drive our tractor all day, so i know that he is secretly having a great day at work. :0) he has to work this weekend. and is going to try to not have to work a full day on monday. that's the thing about farms. cows don't know to take off for a holiday, but as a nursing mother i do not think i would handle it so well if someone said...woah wait, it's a holiday no milking today. i'd probably hurt them. so i get it. :0) and i can't believe i just said all that. see i am feeling better! :0)

thanks again guys. for everything. i love you guys! :0) and i'm really serious about that whole sending you a card thing!!