UPDATED:prayer request please.

UPDATE AT BOTTOM...because that way you know what was all going on before if you haven't already. :0)

if you've come looking for a fantastically written 'not me monday' post. i'm sorry to tell you there won't be one.


what i do have for you all is a prayer request. for me. and our baby. i fear i am miscarrying. it started saturday with some spotting. and increased yesterday morning with some bleeding and clotting. today it hasn't changed. in fact today the clotting has gotten a bit worse. i passed some clots/tissue earlier that was a decent size. when i talked to the nurse this morning she said to call if i passed a bigger clot. so i called. they asked me to bring that tissue/clot in when i come in later for an ultrasound. so yes i have an ultrasound later. at four fifteen. so please just pray for that. i have seen online cases of women clotting and carry a baby to full term. i've also seen cases of women clotting and miscarrying the baby. so either way i ask for your prayers. to protect the precious baby or to protect my heart.

i did actually go to the er in town yesterday. big mistake. i don't know why i continue to go there. the dr. and nurse were fine. it's just the limited resources they have to use. apparently they don't always hava an ultrasound tech on call. yesterday was one of those days. so in a sense we'll have wasted 200 bucks on a co-pay to tell me my vitals. (i'm healthy that way) that's so irritiating. we decided to not go to the other er available yesterday. i was so drained the way it was.

i did talk to an ob/gyn doctor on the phone yesterday as well. she is a newer doctor i think. but i was not impressed at all. she didn't help me out much and almost made me feel as if i was bugging her on her day 'off'. she acted like 'oh this happens' type of thing and that i 'could' be happening to me so we should just wait. wait. you tell a woman who is thinking she's miscarrying her baby to wait it out and see how far you get. i just wanted to know if i was or wasn't. i KNOW i can't change it if it was happening, but at least i'd have the piece of mind and know. i feel that way i could 'grieve' the way i need to. she did call me back after hanging up and say i could go to the er for an ultrasound if i wanted to. i was just really frustrated with her and feel that she could've handled the situation a LOT differently. A LOT. i understand women miscarry. i get that. what i don't get is how she could be insensitive to that fact. that is one of the reasons i LOVE my doctor. when we miscarried our first baby i could see the pain in HER eyes to have to tell me that. i could hear the hurt in her voice. i knew she was geniuinely sorry to have to tell us. the woman yesterday was none of those things. i understand as an ob doctor miscarriage is a 'thing' of the job. BUT each miscarriage IS A BABY. someone's baby. so i don't understand how you could become 'cold' to that fact.

i must say yesterday in the er the doctor did try to do a belly scan on me. he couldn't see anything. but i am not far enough along to see something well on the belly. the other option for the ultrasound was not available. when he talked to me he was saying how he has to look at things from a medical perspective and he can't from the 'other side'. although he's been there, he went on to share with me about his wife's two miscarriages. he said he has to be medical and went on to say how really each pregnancy is so different and what something means for someone it doesn't always mean it for someone else. but you know what he called my baby when he talked about all those things. BABY. he called it a BABY. it blessed me to have someone from the 'medical perspective' call my baby a baby. he could've easily said 'fetus' 'embryo' whatever. but he choose baby. because that is what it is. a baby. MY baby. OUR baby. GOD'S baby.

and because it is GOD'S baby first. i must realize that he may want it back sooner than i thought. a lot sooner. god gives us our babies. and he also takes our babies. i look at each of my children as a blessing and on 'loan' if you will, from god. we must realize that. that they are his children not ours. as a mommy that is sometimes a hard thing to do or realize, but i can say with all my heart and confidence that is how i feel.

god's plans are NOT my plans. and my plans are not god's plans. his plans are going to be the ones to play out in my life. i can sit and try to plan things. but if they aren't in his plans my plans won't be happening. god ultimately is the author and the finisher of our lives. he says yes. he says no. he says wait.

i truly don't know what we'll find out at the ultrasound today. my heart wants us to see our little baby and feel so thankful to god for answer my prayer. my mind keeps telling me that we may not see our little baby. and my heart still says to be thankful.

so thankful that last thursday i was blessed to see my baby alive. a heart beating inside of me. so thankful that i have a picture of my little baby. so thankful that i was given almost a month of knowledge about this baby inside of me. so thankful that this baby will forever be etched in my mind, heart and part of our family.

then i think about everyone who knows about this baby. and wonder if in fact this baby has beat us to heaven if the story will fly around as fast as the pregnancy did. i couldn't believe it actually how fast people knew.

then i wonder. now what are people going to say. 'oh it's a blessing in disguise'. ummm i don't think blessings wear disguises. is it a blessing when a perfectly healthy baby dies? no. do i think it's a blessing when a not so healthy baby dies? no. i don't think it's any sort of 'blessing' when anyone dies. whoever came up with that? okay sure. i understand the 'oh they were suffering' part, but it then maybe is a 'blessing' to that person who died, not to the people who are still alive and have to hear that. so i do not want to hear 'it's a blessing in disguise'. because i do not find it as one. at all.

what do i find this as? as god's plan. if it is his plan to allow this baby to not take a breath on earth. then so be it. if it his plan to allow this baby to live. then so be it. i am not in control he is. and for that i am also thankful.

if you choose to comment you will have noticed that i opened up anon comments again. i did this because i know i told a lot of family and friends about this blog. so if you feel so led to leave a comment do so. if you feel so inclined to be mean. go ahead. there were mean people willing to leave a comment when we announced this baby, so i'm sure there will be mean people willing to share how they feel about this. let me say it won't affect me much today. and probably for awhile. i feel numb to a lot of it right now. and i don't even know the results. one thing i do ask, if you decide to be not so nice to me, leave an email. or someway to contact you. because i don't want to have to put the rest of my blogging buddies through reading yet another 'clarification' post. 99.99 percent of you don't deserve to have to read the clarifications i have had. so i will do my best to not have to do things like that. but i must if anyone who posts anon. isn't man or woman enough to leave info. go ahead and express your feelings, but own up to them.

i own up to mine. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't upset by this. i am upset. not mad. just sad. i think it's okay to be sad. in fact jesus himself cried. it's okay to cry. so i do. and have. and feel better when i'm done. i don't want anything but your prayers through this. because it's the prayers of you guys that will help. along with the word of god. and god's good grace and love.

i hope this ramble of emotions makes sense. and will explain my lack of commenting. i just don't feel 'up' to it. i feel up to snuggling with my babies a little bit longer. i feel up to just praying and continue to trust in my savior.

i'll try to update something as soon as i can. or feel up to it.

when we found out we were pregnant a song instantly popped into my head by 'matt redman'. blessed be your name. here are the lyrics::

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

those are the lines that are running through my heart right now. he gives and he takes away. but MY HEART WILL CHOOSE TO SAY: BLESSED BE HIS NAME. god is still good. he still is on his throne. he has not changed. and will remain the same. it's my hearts choice to believe and trust that. and my friends. i do. whole heartedly. i do. my heart chooses to say blessed be HIS name.

so thanks guys. for your prayers. and your love. i know that god will see us through this all.

and shaun...he's doing okay with it. we've cried and talked about it. and it's so nice to have a husband to do those things with. praise god for that as well.

so that's that. please pray. and thanks. and i'll try to update later.

UPDATE:
first off i want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart, and shaun's and the kiddos. unfortunately the ultrasound showed what i had expected it to. i went into it with minimal expectations, but also set myself up for the 'worst' as well.

as i carried in the 'tissue/clot' i passed in a plastic baggie i wondered if i was also carrying my baby.

the ultrasound tech was a tech that i have had before, and love. so i was kind of glad for that. she said after seeing the bright red color of the blood clot/tissue i brought in that it usually isn't good. but she always holds out hope because she's seen it go 'both ways'.

she measured all the other 'stuff' before looking for baby. but as soon as i saw the picture on the screen i knew. i knew that what i had felt come out of me and what i lovingly took out of the toilet was probably my baby. there was nothing on the screen.

mindy sighed a heavy sigh as she told me. i looked at her and said it's okay. she said, no it's not. (as in it's not okay to lose a baby) i was blessed by that. but i also said at least i got to see my baby's heartbeat last week.

my doctor came in awhile later to talk over stuff with us. she said she is pretty sure she felt a 'sac' but did not want to break it open so that way pathology or whoever can do their testing on it.

so you know, in a way i had a prayer answered. one of my prayers to god was that i could hold my baby in my arms here on earth. i had not expected him to answer my prayer in this way. but i did. i got to hold my baby. as tiny as that baby was i got to hold it. and you know i told it how much i loved it. sure i didn't expect to have to hand it over to someone in a ziploc baggie. but i have peace over knowing that i did in fact hold my baby.

so god answers our prayers. just in ways we weren't expecting him to. and i'm fine with it. because like i said i was blessed last week to SEE my baby's heartbeat and today i was blessed enough to hold my baby.

someone who hasn't gone through something like this may not know what to say. and it's okay to not know what to say. to tell you the truth, i'd rather have you say nothing at all. just a hug, or a virtual hug is fine with me. to know that you prayed and continue to pray is fine with me. for you to know i'm going to be okay is good for me too.

because i will be. i will be okay. sure i'll cry. i'll sob. but i'll be okay. because...jesus sustains me.

it was so cool to me, as we were driving home from the dr shaun looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked if this one seemed harder. i nodded and said yes. and then we sat in silence a bit.

we had our first miscarriage before we had any other kids. i don't know if that is what makes this one harder...like before we had kids we tried to think of what it would be like. and when we miscarried the first time we knew we had lost a baby we loved tremendously. BUT now after having the four beautiful babies i have, i think it makes it harder because i know how much we're missing out on. does that make sense? before we didn't know the joy of having a baby layed on your chest after birth. or how it feels to have the doctor come in and say...i just took a look at your daughter/son.

this time i know all those joyous feelings first hand. and i cry because i don't get those with this baby. that's what makes me sad. so sad. so stinkin sad.

i don't know. i'm a mess of emotions. but one thing that doesn't change, and won't ever change is god. i know that his plans are perfect. mine aren't. so i trust and know that he knows what he is doing and that he sees the entire picture. i see a dab of his paintbrush, he sees the masterpiece.

i told amelya about the baby. i think she gets it. we talked about how this baby went to heaven. she asked me why. i didn't know how to quite answer her, but said, sometimes god wants our babies first. before bed she asked what i named the baby. i said i don't know, what should we name it? she decided on otis, from the barnyard movie. :0) she makes me smile.

thanks guys for your prayers. know as i layed on the ultrasound table i felt the prayers of you guys. i felt completely at peace. completely. so thanks. so much. so so so much. you do not know how grateful i am.

this is all for today. i don't know if i'll post tomorrow, or the day after that. i need this all to 'seem real' for me. it doesn't yet. at all. but yet i know it is. i just need to grieve for the baby. because it was a baby. not just a fetus or embryo but a baby. my baby. our baby. god's baby.