the update.

hey. sorry i didn't get the chance to update yesterday. we did the dr visit, picked up the kids from our friends' house and i literally turned right around and went back to town to do my party. i didn't get home til ten and was tired after the super long day.

so. to the 'results'. i'm really bummed to say nothing has changed. my gestational sac grew appropriately. but unfortunately there was not a yolk sack or baby growing. as soon as the ultrasound tech was looking i knew. part of me wanted to rip the baseball bat out of me and run out of the room and not come back. but i let her finish measuring up whatever it was she needed to measure. it was a different tech than i have had the last two times, but she said well i'm not seeing what we want to be seeing. or something like that. she said she looked side to side and top to bottom. and there wasn't anything. she apologized. removed the baseball bat. and went to find out if the dr was available.

i didn't break down. i think part of me has already done that part of the mourning. two weeks ago when i was told i was probably going to miscarry i bawled. did my crying. i cried yesterday. but not at the same degree i did two weeks ago. shaun and i sat quietly holding hands as we waited to see my dr.

the nurse came in about ten minutes later. i don't know if i have already said this, but i do not like my dr's new nurse. she is just way different than her old nurse. and a lot less nice? i don't know if that's the right word. but i just don't care for her demeanor. so we walk back as i try to compose myself. of course at that moment is when the floodgates wanted to be lifted. we cross paths with dr meyer and walk by the scale. the nurse i don't think knew what to do and said something about weighing me. i looked at her...i seriously thought about slapping her for half a second (very very fleshly i know, but i'm just being honest)...and i said 'is that really necessary?'. i'm so glad dr. meyer was still in the hall and said no. seriously. you want to weigh this pregnant but not really pregnant with a live baby woman who just found out. i'll tell you. i'm fat. not pregnant. carry on.

so after that awkward (i can't even spell that word) moment she took my blood pressure. which at that point was probably high.((i checked my levels and they were high! lol. but i know it's just because of everything we had just been going through)) i don't know. and she really didn't say anything to me. except dr. should be right in. she walked out. the look on shaun's face told me he felt the same way about her. he was really upset with how she handled things as well. and now i know i'm not way off base on not caring for her as a nurse. i'm really thinking about how to talk to my dr about it. ( at my last visit the nurse swore while talking to me, and also made a VERY rude comment i care to not divulge into. so it wasn't just yesterday )

anyways. the talk with my dr. one thing she said that i really just 'liked' was that she felt like she had been having this conversation with us too much lately and didn't like it. i told her i didn't either. but it was really nice to have her step out of the 'dr' position and be honest like that. my options at this point are pretty much the same. a d & c. or a pill. the pill is actually the same pill they give people wtih stomach ulcers to get rid of them. and it's also a pill that when you're full term that will put you into labor. we've decided to go with the pill. it's an 'easier' option. and i just don't want to do the d and c thing again. i also talked to her about us going away. we're going to a waterpark on sunday and won't be back for a few days. i didn't want to have to deal with bleeding and stuff while we're there. she said it's fine to wait til next week to take the pill. and of course in the mean time it could just happen naturally. the risk of the pill is needing the d/c anyway..but it's a very low chance of that needing to happen. especially because the baby's sack is only about a golf ball size.

the only 'advantage' the the d/c is that they could send it off to do genetic testing. she said that if she thought the testing was necessary she'd encourage the d/c. but she really feels all of the indicators point to a chromosonal issue with the baby.

i talked over a ton of stuff with her. progesterone levels was one of them. she said that she's had experience with taking them herself. ((i didn't know this until yesterday but she herself has had to miscarraiges in a row)) she said with one of her miscarriages she was taking the progesterone and miscarried anyway. and the 'studies' don't 'prove' it one way or another. she said basically low progesterone is more of an indicator than a cause. BUT she also said that the more dr's you ask the more opinions you'll get on the issue. the 'downfall' to taking progesterone...one of the ways is an injection. and she said it can cause you muscle to hurt like crazy (she did that one herself) and the other way is inserting it. well in an area i don't care to be inserting things. ;0) i think that if i want to take them, she'd give me the perscription to do so. she just basically said that you can't guarantee then you will for sure not miscarry. she also said that what could be done is right after i get a positive pregnancy test is to test it immediately and then we could start something if it's a little low. i also know if a miscarriage is going to happen, it's going to happen. so i don't know if it's even worth it then. you know? so i don't know. it's all so overwhelming. and kind of weird to be talking about being pregnant again, when i'm still technically pregnant.

the other test that she is going to run is a test that checks your blood for clotting. because that is something that just happens. she said generally the progesterone thing doesn't 'just happen' that i would've had issues before. she said there are two things that can just come up. and the one i was just tested for last time and was fine. the other test she thought she had run, but it wasn't. so once this pregnancy is over she is going to run that test. (the blood clotting one) so we'll see if there is anything 'physical' that is causing this at least.

either way i know it's all god's plan. sure i don't understand 'why' at all. but i know he knows why. and i know his plans are a ton better than mine. even when i think my plans are super great, his are super greater.

i've lived the last two weeks with a glimmer of hope that i would see my baby yesterday. but you know. i still have a hope. i still get to have the hope of seeing my baby in heaven. so yesterday didn't crush my hope at all. it just changed the hope i had to a different place. when i get to heaven i will have three babies waiting for me. i truly believe that with every ounce of my soul. we all get mansions in heaven. it says so in the bible. i think our family will have it's own block. ;0)

i want to thank you from the bottom of my toes to the tip of my crazy bed head hair, for all of your prayers. kind words. and even silence. it means more to me than you'll ever know. i know that i've said when i started blogging a little over a year ago i didn't know what to expect and figured i'd eventually just stop. i never thought i would have such a support system and family in a bunch of people i've mainly never met. and some who i won't meet ever on this earth. and lord willing will meet in heaven.

it floors me. it blesses my socks off...you know if i was wearing them...shaun too is blown away by it all. and i think that's cool. :0) he doesn't quite understand the whole blogging thing, but i know he understands the friends i've made. and to me that's what's important. on the outside looking in, some may just think we're all a little crazy and don't understand how you can connect with a stranger...but i say yes we are crazy. but oh man how you can connect with strangers. strangers who've gone through what you have. strangers who haven't, but pray. strangers who just care about other strangers. so strangers...i LOVE YOU GUYS.

i also know that there are some not so strangers who read and may not comment. know that i LOVE YOU GUYS too. ;0) because it's you in real life who get to give me and me you...the hugs. you get to wipe my tears. and i get to wipe yours. you are all so special to me. i only wish i had the words to express how much.

but i don't. i don't have the words to tell you how blessed i was yesterday after updating my facebook status getting text message after text message telling me someone commented on my status. shaun too couldn't believe all of you all out there. :0)

so often you all have given me some vitural hugs. here is my chance to do the same for you. so (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
and thanks. for everything.

through all of this i can still tell you. god is still good. and i can still tell you i don't understand the whys of life, but i trust and know my loving savior does. and that is what i rest in.