i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

saying "see you later"

sorry i haven't updated til now. i honestly haven't been "up" to it.

if you're my friend on facebook, then you already know, but my grandpa passed away yesterday. a week after entering the hospital.

since last week we learned a few things. my grandpa didn't have a stroke. the pneumonia basically poisoned his system and in turn caused his brain to "die". my mom and her siblings made the decision to remove oxygen on sunday and let his body shut down. it was my grandpa's wish to not be on machines. the oxygen was removed around 9AM and my grandpa's body stayed strong until 3AM yesterday morning. the doctor and our family was amazed at how strong my grandpa's body was.

on sunday when i heard from my mom, i decided to go visit my grandpa with the kids. i knew it was our last chance to see him alive. it was better seeing him without the oxygen. he looked so peaceful sleeping in the bed. the kids gave him a hug and said good bye. and i love you. it was the sweetest and hardest thing for me to see.

it's the hardest because i know that evaleigh will never remember him. and dustin probably won't either. i struggle already knowing they never got to meet my grandma. and now 2 of them probably won't remember my grandpa. BUT i rest in the knowledge that in heaven we will be reunited again. and i'm so thankful for that. dealing with my grandpa's death has been difficult. but having the peace of God through all of it, has been amazingly wonderful.

even though i had been preparing myself for a week for my grandpa's death, when i finally heard it had happened it was so hard to hear. the funniest things have been making me cry. i guess i haven't been crying because of him dying. but crying at the sweet memories i hold forever dear.

saturday shaun and i were talking about V8 juice. how his dad drank it. and how it came in the metal cans. i started crying at the memories of always having hawaiian punch in metal cans at my grandparents house. tuesday i did a craft night at a friend's house. she made fresh coffee when we were there. hearing the sound of the coffee pot and smelling the coffee reminded me of nights when we'd sleep over at my grandparents, and my grandpa making his evening coffee.

i have memories upon memories of my grandparents. they were our babysitters growing up. and my mom took us there at least once a week to visit once we got "too old" for a babysitter. i'm SO thankful for that. i'm so thankful i have no regrets on not knowing them better. on not seeing them enough. because i knew them so well. and saw them so much.

i'm also so thankful that a few weeks ago after a morning of story time, an afternoon of mcdonald's playing and kids in dire need of nap...that God put my grandpa on my heart. that i took my kids to visit him. that i got to see my grandpa one last time in the nursing home healthy. that i get to remember him smiling at my kids and looking at them with the same love in his eyes that he always looked at me with. i never once doubted the love my grandparents had for me.

not even when my two cousins cut out a "fort" in the pine trees behind my grandparents house. seriously as an adult, i could stand in it. it killed that part of each of the trees. we were sitting in it the day after my cousins did it...we weren't a part of the "cutting". my grandpa saw us sitting in it...all he said was "boys, boys, boys". we were always "boys" to him. it's a memory i still laugh at with my sister and cousins. or the time that my grandpa designated a spot in his massive garden for us to dig a hole in. we wanted a hole big enough to sit in, as a fort i guess. ((it was probably the same summer)) we dug and dug and dug a huge hole, no where near "big" enough. but the fact that my grandpa let us...was memory enough.

i miss them something awful. i've bawled through this whole post...yet tomorrow as i attend my grandpa's funeral...i rest in the fact that i won't be saying good bye...i'll be saying see you later. so until then grandpa, i'll miss you something terrible. but...i'll see you later.

my grandpa's obituary can be found here. i leave the link because there are a lot of pictures included on it that show the extreme love he and my grandma shared. and the love you can see in his eyes for life.

12 loving words from you.:

Jennifer W. said...

Lots of love and hugs to you, sweet Amanda. I'm so sorry for your loss, but I'm thankful that you have the knowledge and understanding and hope that will give you peace about his passing. He isn't gone...just gone on. He will be waiting when you get to Heaven, with his arm around your grandma, no doubt. Enjoy the memories that you have, and rest in the peace of Christ that promises us that this world is only the beginning! You WILL see him again.
I'm praying for you and your family.

Beth said...

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Stephanie said...

Oh friend...my heart is breaking and I'm crying over your post. This brings back so many memories for me...I know how so very hard this grief is. Please know I'm here if you need someone just to listen to your grief and remind you it's ok to cry. Give yourself time to grieve, because it will take time and it's ok. I remember crying as I talked with my Pastor months after my grandpa died and I asked him if it was normal to still feel so sad. He said he still cried sometimes when he thought about his mom who had been gone for years and it was such a comfort to know it's ok to cry and ok to be sad sometimes. And, as always, I'm praying for peace that surpasses understanding and comfort that one day He will wipe away all your tears. Love you, friend, so, so much.

Verna said...

Hugs, hugs to you. I am so glad you have lots of memories of your grandfather. You will always tresure them! I was not priveledged to meet my grandparents on my dad's side of the family. And mom's dad passed before I was born also. Tho I know I met grandma Stutzman I was much too young to remember her. Keep the faith and rest assured he is up there with my family, and they are all waiting for us to get there later.
We love you!

-stephanie- said...

What beautiful memories you have of your grandpa. My sympathy to you and your family.

Veronica said...

Thought about you today and said a prayer for you tonight! Praying for strength and peace to get through tomorrow and the coming days. Your love for your Grandpa is so evident in your words and I felt like I could have written the same thing about my Grandpa, who was the greatest, kindest man I ever knew. We lost him when I was in elementary school and I remember those days after he was gone. Big hugs to you!

The Mama said...

Amanda, I'm so sorry for your hurting. I know that hurt of missing a grandparent, and I know about how the memories can make you cry over and over. HUGS!Grandparents are a special gift--something that everyone should have the pleasure of in life :-)

Holly said...

Sending you a big giant hug xoooooox

Jen@Scrapingirl said...

What a cute grandpa. I will pray for God's comfort for you and your family.

Ami said...

Haven't been online much lately, so just read this. What a beautiful tribute. Praying for you and your family.

The Mama said...

Praying for you. You are right, it's not goodbye, it is see you later. We are allowed to mourn that we won't see them in this earthly place anymore, but in Heaven we will be reunited forever with our loved ones!

Praying for yu and your whole family!!!!

Kristin said...

That is what my mom passed away from too. I'm so sorry for your loss....I loved reading all of your sweet memories though. Sending hugs to you, sweet friend :)