i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Friday, August 19, 2011

through the {e}motions

on monday we stayed over night at a beautiful resort. we took a horse and buggy ride. saw some cool replica ships columbus used. went to a maritime museum. went to the railroad museum. it was a whole bunch of fun, and i thought i'd be sharing that with you all this week.

but honestly...all of that seems to be weeks ago...months ago...not just days ago.

my grandpa is dying. he's been unresponsive since late tuesday afternoon.

the nurses at the nursing home found him unresponsive. after taking him to the ER they found him to have DOUBLE pneumonia. he turned his head to my uncle when my uncle arrived at the ER. but since then, he's really done nothing but sleep.

my mom called me wednesday morning to let me know. she called me a few hours later to tell me the doctor said death was going to be soon. i called shaun. he came home. i got ready. and went in to say my "good bye". i felt it was super important my kids see him "one more time". not only do i know they would have lots of questions, but i also don't want to shield them from death. death is very real. and i want them to know it, and get through it, rather than hide it from them.

my grandpa's room was never less than full all day and night wednesday. cousins i haven't seen in YEARS were there. my uncle drove up from indiana. the doctor told us all again, it was going to be "today".

that was wednesday. today is friday. my grandpa...is still hanging in there. honestly...i don't think he's going to wake up. the doctor said that he probably also suffered a stroke. so it's a matter of waiting for his body to shut down.

it's also a matter of God. for He and He alone is the ONLY one who "knows" for sure if it's today...or tomorrow or days or weeks or months or years from now that we will pass. Job 14:5 is my scripture reference..Since his days are determined, The number of his months is with You; You have appointed his limits, so that he cannot pass. our days ARE in God's hand. He clearly states it. it's where they got the term "his/her number was up". we truly have that number.

not that it makes it any easier to deal with, but for me...it lets me know that God remains in control through all of it when i feel like i can be spiraling OUT of control. He has the wheel. as long as i keep letting Him  have it i can find my rest and peace in Him. and peace i have.

it's crazy through the midst of something so heart wrenching how i can have such awesome peace. BUT God has promised that as well... in Philippians 4:6-7:: Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

i know that when i can't understand the level of peace that i feel, it can only come from God. and i'm so thankful for that. because of the peace He gave me the other day i was able to serve my mom and her siblings in any way that i could. i wanted to share Jesus with all of them through my serving of them. and for me to be able to serve and bless them, i was as equally blessed by my awesome, fantastic, terrific...i could go on ALL day on how wonderful my husband is. he dropped everything at work to be home with me. he took our kids to the park when they were restless in the hospital...for over 2 hours. then took them home and told me i needed to stay at the hospital to be with my mom. by him serving me, i could serve others.

i was able to get some alone time with my grandpa the other night. i was so blessed by it. i shared with him Jesus. i shared with him to make sure that Jesus was in his heart, so he could enter those gates of heaven to see his Savior waiting for him. as i shared with him i felt God through all of it. as i shared with him i saw his eyes move under his eyelids. that was my sign that he heard me. because...he hadn't done it before, and as i sat and watched him after...he didn't do it again. i told shaun on the way to my grandpa that my grandpa is unresponsive...but God is not.

i stayed at the hospital until almost 10. my sweet sister in law gave me a ride home. she lives a block from the hospital and told me to call her whenever i needed to go home. it was such a blessing to have that available and not have to have shaun all the kiddos back to town to get me.

i'll admit though...i've broken down a lot in the past few days. last night i sobbed as shaun held me in his arms...and whispered to me...you don't always have to be the strong one. and i know that. but i want to be strong for those that need me to be. i want to be strong so i can help them. God gives me that strength, but He's also been giving me the tears to flow...and He holds them in His hands.

as i go through the motions...i'm also going through the emotions. my grandparents were our babysitters when we were little. it's the memories that i have of all of that i hold so dear to my heart. honestly...they were the best grandparents in the world. if you want to know how to be a grandparent...you'd look to them. ((i'm sure there are other great grandparents as well...i'm just saying to me...they were the best. :) ))

my grandma died almost 8 years ago. and for almost 8 years, my grandpa has been ready to join her. it looks as if he is getting his "wish". as much as it hurts me here...it rejoices within me that he will see not only his Savior face to face, but the other love of his life. i have no idea what heaven will be like. i know that we will not be married there...but i like to think that we will know our spouses and still feel that love for them as we feel here on earth. and i pray our mansions are next to each others. :)

i'd appreciate your prayers through all of this, i know that i have already felt the ones of my friends and family who already know about this. i thank you from the bottom of heart for your love and support and prayers. God has truly blessed me.

10 loving words from you.:

Jen said...

all I have are prayers for you during this time. I've been there, it's so hard; but you've got the right focus and Shaun and our GOD will help you through.

Stephanie said...

I'm in tears, sweet friend...literally. I know this pain all too well. And, just as you lifted me up in prayer during those days, you are constantly in my prayers. It's okay to cry and to be weak...because when we are weak He is strong. One thing I've held onto in my grief is that, even though it doesn't make sense and it never really goes away, there WILL be a day in heaven when ALL our tears will be wiped away. And what a glorious day that will be. Grief has made me more anxious for heaven and so thankful for the hope I have. Love you, always.

Beth said...


-stephanie- said...

Will pray for strength for you. God bless you at this difficult time.

Veronica said...

My heart and prayers are with you! I'm so thankful that you were able to share the Lord with your grandpa because that is something I prayed for specifically when I said to you on FB that I was praying a special prayer for you right then. As much as this hurts, just knowing that your Grandpa knows the Lord means SO much.

You all will continue to be in my prayers this weekend! I love you!

Alicia The Snowflake said...

Oh my friend...I know how hard this is. My sweet grandpa (the last of my grandparents) died 11 yrs ago. I still miss him. So I will definitely pray for you. May God's peace and strength be with you during this time. And may His grace comfort you when the pain seems overwhelming.

Kelli @ RTSM said...

Amanda I hate that you are going through this, but it sounds like you have amazing peace about it. I hope that you and your family continue to have that same peace in the coming days and weeks. Death is such a hard thing to understand sometimes, but trusting God is the best thing we can do to deal with it.

Amber said...

Amanda, I am praying for you and your family. I am so glad that you have the Lord's peace to get you through. If you need anything, please let me know.
Loves and Hugs!!

Cheryl said...

So sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time, but I am thankful that God has given you a great sense of peace too. Praying that God will draw you and your family close to Him during this difficult time.

With Hope,

Holly said...

Sending lots of love and prayers to your family