here's the story...

i'm assuming you noticed the added letter to my picture from yesterday. 

so i thought since i like knowing the details and story behind things...i'd share my story behind the added letter. ((that and, my kids have been watching the brady bunch...so i get the theme song stuck in my head. we're having our sixth kid...so it all fits...here's the story...))

let's travel back about 6 or 7 months. something weird started happening in me. i really can't explain it well. but i just felt that the Lord was asking me/us to be open to having another baby. it was crazy. i mean i didn't feel like i wanted another baby. i was done. but there was just something that kept pulling on me. i mentioned it to shaun. he wasn't really sure at all. so we decided to just pray about it and see what God had. 

about 2 months later we both felt "ready" to "not try, not prevent". that if God wanted us to have another baby, then we would. if He didn't, then we wouldn't. honestly. the day we decided this (NOT in the heat of the moment. ;) ) i felt so free. that a burden had been lifted off of my/our shoulders. it was confirmation to me that we were doing the very thing God was asking us to do. it was honestly a very huge step for us. 

it was funny. after we decided to go forward with "whatever". my cycles were the most messed up they've ever been. i've always been a typical 28 day cycle...to the second. then i had a 32 day cycle. took about five pregnancy tests-all negative! because i was so used to a 28 day cycle. the next month. another 32 day cycle.  i don't remember if i tested that month. lol. THEN. THEN!!! a 26 day cycle. 26 days. AND WHILE ON VACATION!! seriously!?!? i couldn't believe it. it was sort of irritating actually. especially considering i hadn't packed anything for it. because it wasn't supposed to come until we were HOME! ;)

so when your cycles are screwed up, it's really easy to not try. because you can't even begin to guess WHEN to try. HA! add in to the equation how many times it ACTUALLY happens with a husband who works 60-65 hours each week, a pretty busy wife, and five kids...the chances were slim. ;)

then two days after my birthday. shaun and i had a date night. we went to walmart so i could get my shoes for the wedding we're standing up in september. then i said. OK.. so if my cycle was like last month, i should've gotten it wednesday. if it's like the other months...i should get it next tuesday. if it's a 28 day. i should have gotten it today. can i just buy a test?

shaun took a deep breath, because even though he knew the possibilities are there...he still gets nervous. lol, and said, sure.

shaun had to go to the bathroom. i had to go to the bathroom. so OF COURSE! i just went on in and took the test. honestly? i was NOT expecting a positive result. so much so, i didn't even buy the digital test. i figured why waste money just to read "not pregnant". the joke was on me. that pink line showed up faster than flies on cow poop. i stared at it. held in a scream of excitement, because there was a lady in the stall next to me. i didn't want to frighten her. i put the test in my coat pocket and floated out of the bathroom. i barely remember anything after seeing TWO LINES!

as i waited for shaun i did very well at holding in everything that wanted to jump up and down and scream! he walked out. i said, how'd that go? (SERIOUSLY!! WHO ASKS THAT! LOL!!)

he rolled his eyes at me and said. 'fine'.

then he looks at me (i was trying to be inconspicuous) and said, how'd that go? and before i could answer "you're pregnant, aren't you?"

i smiled huge. pulled the pee stick out of my pocket in the middle of walmart and showed him. and said I AM!!

we walked out of walmart smiling like big dorks. and i wouldn't be surprised if we end up on people of walmart or something. ((ps. this is fourth baby i have found out about in the walmart bathroom. first was caitlyn, then dustin, then one of the babies we lost in 2009 and this one. :) )) 

after i saw the positive test a few things clicked in my head. i had not felt good that day or the day before, but figured it was because i was hungry. it was the 'empty stomach feeling'. and i took a nap that day. i never nap. but was so tired. 

i called my doctor on monday and she ordered a check of my hcg and progesterone levels. my hcg level came back great and my progesterone okay at 17. (they want it at 20) i had my levels rechecked two days later and my hcg rose "beautifully" in the nurses words. but my progesterone had dropped to 11 something. i wanted to freak out. i even TRIED to freak out. BUT the peace of God that passes all understanding surrounded me. ((and some sweet friends that knew, were praying for me)) i was put on suppositories and then went off to the women's retreat.

i was thankful for the women's retreat weekend being the weekend it was. i couldn't sit at home and just think all day. i was busy and had a ton of fun fellowshipping with my sweet sisters. i remember telling one of my friends i keep waiting for myself to freak out. but i'm not. God is so cool!

i had to wait until the next tuesday to get my levels rechecked. and my hcg levels continued to do what they should. and my body responded nicely to the progesterone and my levels were FINALLY above 20 at 21. i felt a little more "in the clear". 

then thursday, i did my thing like normal. and a few hours later...was bleeding. i calmed myself down and instantly went to the Lord. a few hours later, i was a wreck for about 10 minutes. i had a good ugly cry in shaun's arms and he prayed with me. we prayed and asked God that if we were supposed to trust Him to get pregnant and if it was His will to take the baby now, then...let your will be done. i selfishly asked Him to do it IMMEDIATELY though. i didn't want to carry the baby a second longer if He had plans of taking it. 

the bleeding stopped by morning, and when i called the nurse we agreed that it was probably from the suppository and me irritating something that caused the bleeding. 

saturday. two days later. i had more bleeding. this time it was red. and i said, okay, Lord. here it is. and then a few hours later it was gone. and i begged AGAIN. LORD! please, if it is your will to take this baby...TAKE IT! i'm ready for whatever you have.

two days later. i stared in awe at the flickering heartbeat of our little baby. 

and a few days since. i still can picture the flickering heartbeat of the "little blob" that God is growing inside of me.

is the heartbeat the assurance that i'll deliver this baby in december? no. but my assurance is that God's plan is ALWAYS good. and as i rest and sit at His feet, i know He has it all under control. and i need to worry about NOTHING! nothing at all. because "He's got this." all i have to do is take a leap of faith, and trust that He does have it. to not try to do anything "on my own." and this feeling is SO freeing. SO beautiful and can ONLY come from Him.

so that's the story. the beautiful story of how God CAN change your heart. and looking back, i realize how He protected me so wonderfully. with everything i went through emotionally after evaleigh, there is NO way a baby would've been a "good" thing. God protected me. He took my desire for more babies away. and then... two and a half years later...He slowly crept it back into my heart. and even when i questioned Him, REALLY!? another baby? i thought i was done? He said, daughter, trust me. my plans are way better than yours. 

we are so excited. the kids can't wait. and we're hoping for a little brother for dustin. the girls say that there's no room for another little girl in their bedroom. :) i just think it would be so great for a brother for dustin. but really...we don't care at all. and i'd love to just have a baby in my arms come december.

i'm due december 20th. 

i've been feeling SO exhausted. maybe it's because i'm 30 but i have no memory of this level of exhaustion with the others. or it's been so long since i've been pregnant, that i just forgot.

i feel sick pretty much from later morning until bedtime. eating makes it worse. so maybe that will help curb huge weight gain! it's the first pregnancy that i've eaten saltine crackers. and they work, for a little while.

i also have crazy insomnia! i'm tired ALL day. and then at about 3AM i'm wide awake. and toss and turn until 6ish until i just get up. i was really thankful this morning because i was able to sleep until 730! woo hoo. :) 

through all of it. even the sickness feeling. i'm SO thankful to have all of this. to be able to have another chance to experience the joy of pregnancy. the joy of a child growing inside of me. 

now...to look at 12 passenger vans...