a little update on me.

well. i wanted to do an update on me. actually it's nothing that is pregnancy related. we think.

i didn't post about any of this before, just because, if it was/is nothing. i didn't spend time 'worrying' anyone else. some close friends and family knew, so we haven't done this alone. but even as "open book" as my life is...some things aren't open until i want them to be.

let's travel back a few months. july. i had three really weird days. basically my mouth would tense up and spasm and shake to to the left side and pull/vibrate really tightly. i could speak through it, but really had to concentrate on it. and had to concentrate on trying to make it stop.

i was referred to a primary doctor. which i did not have! i got some recommendations and was told that i may not be able to get in to see her, as she's really busy. well...God totally worked THAT out. it just so happened that she had a cancellation. for the NEXT day.

i saw her. and baffled her and the other doctor she talked to. they both felt that i should see a neurologist "just in case". the neurologist was able to get me in the following monday. ((it was a friday when i made the appointment. it was also the doctor who said even though she said ASAP it would most likely be awhile before i got in. HA! love how God works!))

when i saw the neurologist she wasn't quite sure what was going on either. i actually felt dumb for even going in, because i hadn't had any more episodes and thought maybe i was freaking out about nothing. to be safe the neurologist ordered a SLEEP DEPRIVED EEG (which means you get THREE hours of sleep the night before!) and an MRI scan. the neurologist's exact words were: "it's probably something wonky prengnacy related." i giggled at that!

the sleep deprived eeg went fine. it was very hard to stay awake, but i managed to do it. the mri also went fine. and i handled being inside the crazy small tube a lot better than i thought. i freaked out for half a second, then just closed my eyes and kept them closed.

i had a follow up scheduled for august, but then decided to go to tennessee and forgot about the appt. so i rescheduled for this week.

i saw the neurologist and really, figured the scans didn't show anything. because if they did, i figured they would call me before.

it just so happens. i figured wrong.

the scan did show an abnormality. there is a small white "blush" spot. that could be something. that could be something that is nothing. that could be something that is really something.

BUT because of being pregnant, we can't do any further testing until i have the baby. ((who STILL doesn't have a name! ;) ))

so after having the baby..the next step is doing an MRI with GAD. and possibly doing a spinal tap. ((which apparently because i've done birth without an epidural i'll be able to handle a spinal tap just fine. it was also funny to see the look on her face when i said i delivered without an epidural. ;) ))

she said the MRI could reveal nothing more, so then we would for sure do the spinal tap.

and in the end it could reveal nothing more than i have a 'weird' brain. ((and then i'll FINALLY have a valid excuse to my weirdness!!))

so i really know nothing at all. well i do know ONE thing, and it's the important thing...that God is in control. that even if this something really is something...He has it. He'll take care of it. and i have NOTHING to fear. because...I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made the heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1-2)

i was actually more nervous to talk to shaun. only because i put myself in his place. what if it were him telling me something like that. i don't want to ever hear anything like that (even if it's nothing!) from him! but this is where God has us. and this is where we'll remain.

so i just ask for your prayers. mainly prayers for no anxiety until december over it. i know i'm doing what is best for the baby by NOT doing any testing until then. i haven't had any more major episodes since july. i had a TINY TINY TEENSY TINY episode on the way home from TN while driving in chicago. (so tiny in fact, that i forgot about it until today.) which i attributed then, to stress. ((when had also been mentioned at my previous appts.)) and prayers that i'll be able to pump and that mr. f (who WILL have a name by his birth!) will be able to take to a bottle quickly. my neurologist wants the MRI done very soon after birth (like within the week after) i'm actually MORE nervous about that than anything else. :) and of course, prayers that this IS nothing more than me FINALLY having a reason to be weird!

thanks.

to everyone finding out about this through a blog post and not in person. writing things out, for me, is the easiest way to share things. even major things. even really important things. i ask that you respect that. and know that even if you wouldn't do things "this way", it's the way the way we did, and we wouldn't change it.