i don't claim to know it all. i don't claim to be perfect. i just claim to love jesus.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

you want proof?!?

i'm baaaack. ;0) let me tell you though. today is a day you want me back. i had a blog post all written in my head for the other day. but you wouldn't have like reading it. in fact i didn't put it all out because it was just too...i don't know. crummy. not that you can't see me in a crummy mood. i just didn't want to be miss negative nelly. who was way just negative nelly. i'll share a bit of it. but also the proof that god can see you through it all.

the past few weeks have been crazy. i've been an emotional mess. i yelled at my kids way too much, for things they didn't need to be yelled at for. i snapped at shaun. i didn't like myself too much. and i probably seemed pretty distant to a lot of people who i shouldn't. even you guys.

usually i am a FANTASTIC!! pretender. i can smile when i feel like bawling and you may not even know. i can be 'happy' but not really be happy. that is the one thing i truly dislike about myself. sometimes i don't even realize i'm doing it but i am. grrr.

so the past two weeks have been an emotional ride. crying. hiding. crying. smiling. because i did smile too. there were ups and downs. but a lot of downs. i was in a way too dark of place. this weekend was the darkest of all. sunday was my breaking point. i had children's church. and that went well. we actually made 'god's mailbox'. i was a bit bummed because the one little boy who asked me about it, wasn't able to be at church this week. we decorated it all together and i explained to them that god sees everything. but sometimes we want to have something special for god that we don't want others to see. and now we have a mailbox to put it in for him. they all loved making it! after church we fellowshipped. it was in the midst of all the fellowship that my emotions really came to surface. and i left church feeling like a bad sister, a bad wife and a bad friend. my sweet friend could read it though. and she knew i just needed to get out for a bit. so she had something to give me in her car and we walked up front to the cars. i needed that, basically because i needed the cry. and even more so the hug. so thanks chantae.

after church shaun and i got to talk a bit too. and i told him how i was feeling about stuff. we didn't argue at all. there was nothing to argue about. but we talked and i felt a bit better. and i got to share with him some other stuff i had been holding in and couldn't. much less SHOULD'NT!

i'm not saying that miraculously helped me. in fact monday was about the same. but i did something on monday that i should've done a few months ago.

for those of you who don't know my sister is pregnant. she is due about two weeks before i was to be due. as she's starting to pop out her belly it's been hitting me how hard it really is to lose a baby and have someone so close in your family having one. i tried to hide it. mainly because i do not want her to feel like she has to hide anything either. it's not anyone's fault that she gets to have her baby and i did not. (well at least in the way i was expecting) it wasn't that i wanted to feel that way. i didn't. but i couldn't bring myself to ask her anything either. i didn't mind knowing things, but it was hard for me to open up some conversation. on monday amy invited me to her ultrasound for tuesday. and shared with me how she knew that i may not come because it'd be too hard or sad. but that she would love it if i did come, and understood if i could not.

so i was able to email her back and share my heart with her too. i choose to not go to the ultrasound. partly because i didn't know if i could do it. and mainly because i didn't want to have to haul all four kids along in the small room either. the ultrasound went pretty good for them. except the stubborn little baby wouldn't show it's face for anything. they did not find out what they were having.

monday i took the kiddos to the mall. it was time for my 'jewelry check-up' at zales. so we ran our errands first and then they get to play. at target i was so blessed by the lady checking me out. she said the sweetest things to me. how i was doing such a great job! and how well behaved my kids were. it is SO nice to hear sweet things.

then i took the kiddos to the bathroom. the cleaning lady was waiting for me to get out of the bathroom so she could clean it. as i got them all situated in the 'waiting' area she was 'resting' on the couch watching me. and then asked:

cl: what are they two sets of twins?

m: no. (with a smile) they're just all about a year apart.

cl: you're kidding me.

m: nope. (again smiling!)

cl: (as i continued to get ready. and all the kids were behaving) well i sure hope you think you're done!

m: ( i looked at her, so taken aback! i couldn't believe what i had just heard) no. i don't think so.

cl: what? are you expecting again?

m: no, but we're trying. we actually just miscarried a baby in may. so we're trying again. (trying to smile the best i could!)

cl: you're even crazier than i am. (and she went on her merry way to clean the bathrooms)

i was appalled. and hurt. so hurt. i took the kids to the play land and held it together the best i could. tears fell. and i just could not believe it. maybe she didn't mean it to be rude and hurtful. but it so was.

so when i left the mall. we came home. i got the mail.

this is where the proof comes in. proof prayer works. first off i've been praying to just 'get over' this rollercoaster ride. and at church my mother in law said she'd pray over my wildtree business for online orders.

so i opened the mail box. and i had the sweetest most beautiful message in a card from the most sweetest most beautiful friend. in her card this is what she wrote. :just because we weather through our storms with God by our side. all.the.time!: sweet. simple and to the point. and it spoke straight to my heart. in the card there was also a little metal charm with a cool saying on it. and then this poem on a piece of paper:

The Tiny Rosebud
The Master Gardener from Heaven above
Planted a seed in the garden of love
And from it gew a rosebud small
That never had time to open at all
For God in His perfect and all wise way
Chose this rose for His heavenly bouquet
So think of your darling with the angels above
Secure and contented and surrounded by love
And remember that God blessed and enriched your lives too
For in dying, your darling brought Heaven closer to you.
~authour unknown~

i bawled. when i read this. but it fit so perfect. my little angel babies are in heaven. they're with their savior. they beat me home. and this little note brought me so much peace. in fact when i read this i don't cry anymore, but smile. knowing it's so very true!

when i got home i checked out my wildtree site too. do you know that i had an order!! from another blogging friend. an online order the day after someone said they'd pray for it! ahhh. how awesome how god works.

so you see. prayer does work. i had a ton of proof in just ONE day. prayer doesn't always work in one day. it all works in god's timing. but god timely chose my one day to answer a ton of prayers.

since monday the light has gotten brighter. because even though i was going through a DARK time. there was always a glimpse of the light. the light of my savior guiding me through it and to him. he doesn't ever leave me or fail me. i kept plunging through the darkness and found the full bright light of my savior once again. being in a dark place is not fun. but i also think it's a growing time. i've grown and changed. and am thankful for the rollercoaster ride i've been on. god is good. doesn't matter. all the time.

so i keep on keeping on. in this somehow new found peace i have. it's a peace that i do not understand. and that's how i know it's from the lord.

in other news...dustin was nine months old yesterday!! i took some pictures, but haven't gotten them on the computer yet. seriously NINE months already. ahhh. he has also decided to start sleeping til six. well for at least the past two mornings. which makes this tired mommy...HAPPY! i'm praying for repeat performances. he's also eating all table foods. he hasn't eaten a jar of baby food in months. he LOVES chicken. and mum-mum rice rusks. and pretty much anything. he can feed himself really well too. so next up. sippy cup. and no more bottles. well i guess i have three months to get rid of the bottle. which should be no problem. the girls all transistioned to a sippy cup well before their first birthday.

amelya. well she's almost four and a half. well not almost. in september. but that's almost to me. i can't believe it!! we'll start a more structured school time this fall too. ahhhhhhhh it's becoming real. my baby is growing up.

caitlyn. she's been 'popp'ing right out of her shell. her personality is coming through every day. and her words. seriously. i can't get over how much she talks. yesterday she said french fries. not that we were eating any....lol.

breigh. went poopy on the toilet yesterday!! yay!! and then later she went in her diaper...ohh. but it's a start. i need to buckle down on the potty training thing. but when i'm not spending money buying diapers after diapers...i don't have as much incentive. i guess that could be a downside to cloth diapering...for me.

shaun. well he washed and dried his cell phone the other day. so i went to sprint to get him a new one yesterday. he's been doing well. working way too much. he got a paycheck this week. with 143 hours on it. for two weeks. that's just crazy! but this weekend he has off!! yay!! we don't really have any plans, but it's nice to have the weekend off!!

me. i'm doing good. and i mean that. i had a show this week. it went well. yay! i'll have over 1000 in sales for the month!! woo hoo!! and i have to close a few more shows.

wildtree. speaking of that. i'm also looking to book a few more shows for august! let me know if you're interested. by booking a show, as a thank you gift from me, when you have a show...you get to pick out your favorite oil for free!!

i think i've covered it. i've got a crabby toddler to tend to right now. so i'm off the computer. i may be back later, we're going to see a children's singer at the library today. so hopefully after that naps are involved.

and did you watch the video in my post below? if not i encourage you to. it's a worship song from church this week. :0)

18 loving words from you.:

Jennifer W. said...

It's good to see you! I am truly sorry you have been going through such a dark time. I have a friend who has lost 2 in the last year (and one several years ago) she also has 4 here with her. She seems ok, but your words make me wonder if she is just pretending too. I can't even imagine the pain that must bring. I love that poem, and would love to share it with her if you don't mind. I will pray for your newfound peace to continue, and I'm glad that God revealed His presence to you in such a powerful way. And don't you hate it when people assume that you are crazy for having/wanting so many children?? It's always hurtful and very frustrating-especially when they are saying it right in front of the kids! We met a family in Disney World one time that had 6 kids and we discussed some of the rude things people say on a regular basis. The dad said he got so tired of it that he actually started telling people that if his kids behaved like theirs did, he'd have stopped at one or two also!! I'd never have the guts to say that to anyone, but I thought it was VERY spot on. We've even had family make negative comments, and are estranged from what used to be some pretty close family due to a very hurtful comment. Ok, sorry for the rant. It's a sore spot, I guess. On the flip side, we did meet a really sweet lady yesterday who just gushed over the kids and told us repeatedly how blessed we were. I LOVE when that happens. :) Hope this week gets better!!

Jessica said...

I'm so glad that God has brought you a sense of peace about all of the darkness. I know, too, how hard it is to go through one of those spells of hiding and crying and faking it, and I rejoice with you that for now, at least, it seems to have passed.

I understand, too, the thoughtlessness of people's comments sometimes. People just don't think.

I only recently found your blog, and I really enjoy reading your thoughts. Keep it up!

-stephanie- said...

Ahh yes...the peace that surpasses all understanding. God is good!

Praising God with you that most of the storm has passed.

Kelli said...

oh Amanda- i thought something was going on when i saw you the other night. I'm sorry I didn't say anything at the time, I didn't think it was the place. I'm also sorry I didn't meet up with you at the mall on Monday, it just didnt' work out. I would have put that cleaning lady in her place! I hope we can get together soon! I'm praying for you!

Meg said...

ahhh that was a long post, but I am glad that you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel! I am sending you lots of hugs and prayers cause sometimes you just need a hug!

Following Him said...

WELCOME back...I was just literally thinking about you guys. I can't believe Dustin is 9 months either. Time sure does fly!

Cleaning lady had some NERVE to say those hurtful things to you. When I talk about my bloggy friends and how you guys have inspired me to have my kiddos close apart, I get the stares and the comments...

YOU are so STRONG, YOU will get through the DARK TIMES, YOU will prevail over the bad and YOU will see the LIGHT soon!

Hang in there sweet friend!

Veronica said...

Amanda...you've been on my mind for the last few days but I just didn't want to seem like a pest so I didn't email you. I'm sorry for not doing that.

I'm sorry also that things haven't been so good lately but it's good to hear that things are looking up. I was so upset to read about what the cleaning lady said. She had no right to say that...at all. I will be praying that the Lord will continue to heal your heart and give you peace. Thanks so much for sharing what's been going on. I wish I lived closer so that I could give you a big hug today!

Well, I hope you have an awesome weekend with your hard working Hubby and your kiddos. :) That's awesome about your wildree sales! You rock. I will def have to place another order soon because I just made the pizza crust the other day and it was so good. I will for sure have to get more of that!

Love ya and I'll be thinking about you today! :)

~*Michelle*~ said...

So happy that God used me as a vessel to bring His peace to you!

I too have been in a dark place.....the way you are feeling about your sister pregnancy/timing is totally normal. believe me. I have had all these losses over the past two years (one just this past cycle) and I have countless friends who have had their babies (even two) when I should have been having mine. We are human....and although I am leaving this all in God's hands and His will, it is sometime difficult to process it all, all the time.

So cry when you need to.....you are allowed.


Tina said...

Loved your honest post....hope you begin to heal!

Take care....

Kelli @ RTSM said...

I've missed read about you and your kiddos...but I completely understand where you are coming from! I have been in a funk on and off for the past couple of weeks, and I am a really good pretender too! I don't think other people realize how good of a pretender I can be sometimes...just smiling like everything is okay! I'm glad you are feeling better now! Congrats on you wildtree success!! One of these days I am going to get around to ordering some stuff from you! I hope your week continues to go well! BTW I loved the praise song...I've never hear it before though!

Lara said...

thank you for sharing all of that. that poem was so sweet and i can totally see how it makes you smile. i'm sorry you've been in a dark place, but life is such a rollercoaster ride-- thought it often seems so unfair. praying for your heart to heal! you're a good mama. that cleaning lady just doesn't have half the strenght that you do. take what she said as a compliment. she knows there's no way she could handle 4 young kids, and i'm sure she must think you're a saint if you can (and she saw them all being good)! who cares if she thinks you're crazy, you know you're not- you just happen to love having little ones. i'm going to email you about something i'm just not ready to share yet in blog-world.

Julie said...

Sorry you had some rough times lately. I know how you feel. I'm glad that things are looking up.

He & Me + 3 said...

I love your sweet honest heart. Sorry that you have been going through some rough times. I am so glad that the Lord has been using friends & bloggers to encourage you along the way. Isn't that what part of blogging is all about. What a great community of friends we have online.
Hope next week is better for you! Can't believe that Dustin is 9 months already. Wow!

christy rose said...

Amanda, Sorry that you have been going through a rough time lately. I remember when my kids were all small like yours, I hated the response that I got most of the time when we were all out together and I really never liked telling most people that I was pregnant because they always asked stupid questions like, "Haven;t you figured out how this happens?" I always answered, "Yep and we are pretty good at it." :)
I hope you begin to feel even better as time goes by. God will see you through and make everything turn out good! That is just how He is, you know.

Have a great week,

mittelmommy said...

what a great post on god carrying you through! again, anytime. i loved being there for you! and i'm so glad that you are feeling better these days!

Chic Mama said...

I so sorry to hear about that cleaning lady- people say the dumbest things when you are grieving. I am glad the Lord is giving you peace and I will be praying that He continues to work that out in your life. We will see our babies again one day- and they will give us the grand tour on the streets of gold!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I am sorry that someone thought they could be that rude to you. Your family and the size of it is none of anyone's business. You are fabulous!

Stephanie said...

I'm so glad you are back and that God has been filling you with His comfort and peace. I have been praying for you each time I think of you. Thank you again for sharing your heart - I can't imagine losing a child. It just breaks my heart to hear of people being so mean to you about your decisions for your family. I've seen you as a mommy in action and you are a WONDERFUL mom who cares so much for each of your children. I pray the Lord will continue to bless you with more children.

By the way, the poem you got in the mail is so beautiful. I wish I had thought of doing something like that for you, but know you've been in my prayers and thoughts. Another friend of mine just had a miscarriage this past week, her second in the past year, and I think I will print the poem out to give to her at church this morning. Praising God that someday soon He will dry all your tears, Amanda!