you want proof?!?

i'm baaaack. ;0) let me tell you though. today is a day you want me back. i had a blog post all written in my head for the other day. but you wouldn't have like reading it. in fact i didn't put it all out because it was just too...i don't know. crummy. not that you can't see me in a crummy mood. i just didn't want to be miss negative nelly. who was way just negative nelly. i'll share a bit of it. but also the proof that god can see you through it all.

the past few weeks have been crazy. i've been an emotional mess. i yelled at my kids way too much, for things they didn't need to be yelled at for. i snapped at shaun. i didn't like myself too much. and i probably seemed pretty distant to a lot of people who i shouldn't. even you guys.

usually i am a FANTASTIC!! pretender. i can smile when i feel like bawling and you may not even know. i can be 'happy' but not really be happy. that is the one thing i truly dislike about myself. sometimes i don't even realize i'm doing it but i am. grrr.

so the past two weeks have been an emotional ride. crying. hiding. crying. smiling. because i did smile too. there were ups and downs. but a lot of downs. i was in a way too dark of place. this weekend was the darkest of all. sunday was my breaking point. i had children's church. and that went well. we actually made 'god's mailbox'. i was a bit bummed because the one little boy who asked me about it, wasn't able to be at church this week. we decorated it all together and i explained to them that god sees everything. but sometimes we want to have something special for god that we don't want others to see. and now we have a mailbox to put it in for him. they all loved making it! after church we fellowshipped. it was in the midst of all the fellowship that my emotions really came to surface. and i left church feeling like a bad sister, a bad wife and a bad friend. my sweet friend could read it though. and she knew i just needed to get out for a bit. so she had something to give me in her car and we walked up front to the cars. i needed that, basically because i needed the cry. and even more so the hug. so thanks chantae.

after church shaun and i got to talk a bit too. and i told him how i was feeling about stuff. we didn't argue at all. there was nothing to argue about. but we talked and i felt a bit better. and i got to share with him some other stuff i had been holding in and couldn't. much less SHOULD'NT!

i'm not saying that miraculously helped me. in fact monday was about the same. but i did something on monday that i should've done a few months ago.

for those of you who don't know my sister is pregnant. she is due about two weeks before i was to be due. as she's starting to pop out her belly it's been hitting me how hard it really is to lose a baby and have someone so close in your family having one. i tried to hide it. mainly because i do not want her to feel like she has to hide anything either. it's not anyone's fault that she gets to have her baby and i did not. (well at least in the way i was expecting) it wasn't that i wanted to feel that way. i didn't. but i couldn't bring myself to ask her anything either. i didn't mind knowing things, but it was hard for me to open up some conversation. on monday amy invited me to her ultrasound for tuesday. and shared with me how she knew that i may not come because it'd be too hard or sad. but that she would love it if i did come, and understood if i could not.

so i was able to email her back and share my heart with her too. i choose to not go to the ultrasound. partly because i didn't know if i could do it. and mainly because i didn't want to have to haul all four kids along in the small room either. the ultrasound went pretty good for them. except the stubborn little baby wouldn't show it's face for anything. they did not find out what they were having.

monday i took the kiddos to the mall. it was time for my 'jewelry check-up' at zales. so we ran our errands first and then they get to play. at target i was so blessed by the lady checking me out. she said the sweetest things to me. how i was doing such a great job! and how well behaved my kids were. it is SO nice to hear sweet things.

then i took the kiddos to the bathroom. the cleaning lady was waiting for me to get out of the bathroom so she could clean it. as i got them all situated in the 'waiting' area she was 'resting' on the couch watching me. and then asked:

cl: what are they two sets of twins?

m: no. (with a smile) they're just all about a year apart.

cl: you're kidding me.

m: nope. (again smiling!)

cl: (as i continued to get ready. and all the kids were behaving) well i sure hope you think you're done!

m: ( i looked at her, so taken aback! i couldn't believe what i had just heard) no. i don't think so.

cl: what? are you expecting again?

m: no, but we're trying. we actually just miscarried a baby in may. so we're trying again. (trying to smile the best i could!)

cl: you're even crazier than i am. (and she went on her merry way to clean the bathrooms)

i was appalled. and hurt. so hurt. i took the kids to the play land and held it together the best i could. tears fell. and i just could not believe it. maybe she didn't mean it to be rude and hurtful. but it so was.

so when i left the mall. we came home. i got the mail.

this is where the proof comes in. proof prayer works. first off i've been praying to just 'get over' this rollercoaster ride. and at church my mother in law said she'd pray over my wildtree business for online orders.

so i opened the mail box. and i had the sweetest most beautiful message in a card from the most sweetest most beautiful friend. in her card this is what she wrote. :just because we weather through our storms with God by our side. all.the.time!: sweet. simple and to the point. and it spoke straight to my heart. in the card there was also a little metal charm with a cool saying on it. and then this poem on a piece of paper:

The Tiny Rosebud
The Master Gardener from Heaven above
Planted a seed in the garden of love
And from it gew a rosebud small
That never had time to open at all
For God in His perfect and all wise way
Chose this rose for His heavenly bouquet
So think of your darling with the angels above
Secure and contented and surrounded by love
And remember that God blessed and enriched your lives too
For in dying, your darling brought Heaven closer to you.
~authour unknown~

i bawled. when i read this. but it fit so perfect. my little angel babies are in heaven. they're with their savior. they beat me home. and this little note brought me so much peace. in fact when i read this i don't cry anymore, but smile. knowing it's so very true!

when i got home i checked out my wildtree site too. do you know that i had an order!! from another blogging friend. an online order the day after someone said they'd pray for it! ahhh. how awesome how god works.

so you see. prayer does work. i had a ton of proof in just ONE day. prayer doesn't always work in one day. it all works in god's timing. but god timely chose my one day to answer a ton of prayers.

since monday the light has gotten brighter. because even though i was going through a DARK time. there was always a glimpse of the light. the light of my savior guiding me through it and to him. he doesn't ever leave me or fail me. i kept plunging through the darkness and found the full bright light of my savior once again. being in a dark place is not fun. but i also think it's a growing time. i've grown and changed. and am thankful for the rollercoaster ride i've been on. god is good. doesn't matter. all the time.

so i keep on keeping on. in this somehow new found peace i have. it's a peace that i do not understand. and that's how i know it's from the lord.

in other news...dustin was nine months old yesterday!! i took some pictures, but haven't gotten them on the computer yet. seriously NINE months already. ahhh. he has also decided to start sleeping til six. well for at least the past two mornings. which makes this tired mommy...HAPPY! i'm praying for repeat performances. he's also eating all table foods. he hasn't eaten a jar of baby food in months. he LOVES chicken. and mum-mum rice rusks. and pretty much anything. he can feed himself really well too. so next up. sippy cup. and no more bottles. well i guess i have three months to get rid of the bottle. which should be no problem. the girls all transistioned to a sippy cup well before their first birthday.

amelya. well she's almost four and a half. well not almost. in september. but that's almost to me. i can't believe it!! we'll start a more structured school time this fall too. ahhhhhhhh it's becoming real. my baby is growing up.

caitlyn. she's been 'popp'ing right out of her shell. her personality is coming through every day. and her words. seriously. i can't get over how much she talks. yesterday she said french fries. not that we were eating any....lol.

breigh. went poopy on the toilet yesterday!! yay!! and then later she went in her diaper...ohh. but it's a start. i need to buckle down on the potty training thing. but when i'm not spending money buying diapers after diapers...i don't have as much incentive. i guess that could be a downside to cloth diapering...for me.

shaun. well he washed and dried his cell phone the other day. so i went to sprint to get him a new one yesterday. he's been doing well. working way too much. he got a paycheck this week. with 143 hours on it. for two weeks. that's just crazy! but this weekend he has off!! yay!! we don't really have any plans, but it's nice to have the weekend off!!

me. i'm doing good. and i mean that. i had a show this week. it went well. yay! i'll have over 1000 in sales for the month!! woo hoo!! and i have to close a few more shows.

wildtree. speaking of that. i'm also looking to book a few more shows for august! let me know if you're interested. by booking a show, as a thank you gift from me, when you have a show...you get to pick out your favorite oil for free!!

i think i've covered it. i've got a crabby toddler to tend to right now. so i'm off the computer. i may be back later, we're going to see a children's singer at the library today. so hopefully after that naps are involved.

and did you watch the video in my post below? if not i encourage you to. it's a worship song from church this week. :0)