being a momma

as a little girl, i always dreamed about being a momma. i played house as a little girl and dreamed of my own babies some day. i was the "mom" whenever we played house with our cousins. and after shaun and i were together i would try to picture our future together. ((one "downfall" to starting to date your future husband in high school is having to "wait" to grow up and start that future)) my picture would always include babies. i never knew how many. we never really talked about "how many" we would have. 

when we were pregnant within a month of being married, we were surprised. of course we knew "how" it happened, we just didn't expect it to happen so fast. the initial surprise grew into excitement. and then devastation at our first appointment when the baby had no heartbeat. quickly into our marriage we were catapulted into one of the worst things that can happen as a parent, the loss of a child. i remember looking at the doctor that day asking her when we could start again. God had placed the desire of being a momma so strongly in my heart, i couldn't wait to have a baby to hold here on earth.

we started to try as soon as we could (i had some other medical issues-cyst on my ovary- that needed to be dealt with) so it wasn't until a few months later that we could try. within TWO months we were pregnant again. it was with cautious excitement we anticipated the pregnancy of our baby. and in the end..we were holding our precious amelya francis. ((i didn't blog amelya's birth (YET! i totally should) but here's a post i did of a picture of me all big and preggo.))

we were ecstatic to be parents, and i was blessed with a husband who looked at my tear stained face, telling him i didn't want to go back to work and said, "then don't". i was able to stay home! honestly, i never imagined that. and now...i couldn't imagine NOT. amelya was a mere 7ish months old when we found out we were expecting again! (having a husband get hurt at work and be off for two weeks will do that to a girl! ;) )

we welcomed breigh mayann into our arms 15 months after amelya. ((here's a flashback post on me big and preggo with breigh.))

we never talked about when/if we were having more babies. and were surprised, happily, to find out we were pregnant when breigh was about 7ish months old. we were going to have three babies in 2 1/2 years...but we knew it would be all good.

we welcomed, surprisingly caitlyn michaela into our family. (i totally thought she was a boy!) ((caitlyn's "flashback" preggo post is here))

we don't have an "immediately following birth" picture together, because caitlyn's was the first birth we did just shaun and i. :) i do think this was shortly after, because my mom happened to check in on me on her way to work. she heard a scream (from me) and then a cry! so she was there relatively soon after. her birth i also left my contacts in, with the other two i had my glasses off by the point of them "coming out" and couldn't SEE THEM!!

we thought we were done with three. three little girls. i'll admit to have prayed that i would have loved a boy in our family, but whatever you have Lord. my husband and i went on a date. and 10 months later, we welcomed that little boy, dustin russell.

 we birthed dustin on our own as well. :) ((dustin's "flashback post" and i was blogging when dustin was born, so here is his birth story! AND if you want to read a humorous post about his labor, read here))

we never talked about being "done" after dustin. i guess we both felt we weren't. God really had a different plan in mind for us though...

between dustin and evaleigh we said good bye to two little babies. i really felt that the first one in may of 09 was a girl. and we know that the baby in august of 09 was a boy. 

after the devastation of losing two babies within months of each other, we were just hoping for a baby when we found out we were pregnant with evaleigh. the beginning of my pregnancy was a rough one, as was the delivery (as you can see in the picture, by the look on my face!) i bawled as they placed little (not really SO little, she was my second biggest!) evaleigh jo faith in my arms. ((read evaleigh's birth story here))

my cousin's wife was my delivery nurse. so we asked her to take a picture, right after.

after evaleigh we've prayed long and hard about "f". we truly feel that God is the control of our family size. and that He can, and DOES give answers of a completed family. most recently we've been praying about if we're complete or not. we're resting on His timing with everything. and we truly "feel" done. but also know that we can't base our walk on "feelings". as we seek His answers and trust in His plan...we know we're so extremely blessed already. so for now, and most likely forever (because we believe God is answering us with "done")...our "e" is our "end".

as i look at them. i see complete. i have no desires for more babies. ((something that was always on my heart)) my specific prayer to the Lord has always been, if we're done please remove the desire from my heart for more. He has answered that prayer. i don't have the desire for more babies. sure i LOVE to hold them. snuggle them. even change their diapers. but i have no desire to have my own baby to do that with. 

i know it's really none of your business. but because it's my blog and i usually share everything...right now, we're holding off on permanent. and we're sticking with "c's" (i seriously can't say the word...and truly, don't want creep-os finding my blog by using the correct term). we both don't want a pill form of birth control, so it's our only option that we're both comfortable with. because our children our close in age, you may come to  the conclusion that we lost all form of self control after a few months...your conclusion is correct. because we've had the self control for TWO ENTIRE years, has been another "answer" for us. ;) and honestly, the only reason we're holding off on permanent is because we got new insurance and it requires a one year waiting period. we're using this next year to be confident in God's answer and we'll see where it takes us. 

i know everyone has their own views and opinions of birth control. i respect your choice to use it. to not use. to go permanent. to not go permanent. i think that the choice is one that God leaves up to each family. and that you need to feel confident in the choice God puts on your family. because God does give us a choice, whether or not you agree with one person's choice isn't the issue. the issue is respecting each person's choice and being confident in yours.