a wii-review.

a few months ago i got an email from my friends at jumpstart. they wanted to know if they could send me a wii game to review!!

ummm. yeah!!

i was super stoked to get it a few weeks ago. we LOVE jumpstart here. we have a few computer games already and the online subscription. so i was excited to see the FIRST game for the wii geared towards pre-k children...from the same company! in fact...ESRB has rated Pet Rescue “Early Childhood”.

yeah!! pet rescue has been a lot of fun.

first off amelya loves being able to make her own person. she is constantly changing it up as well. it's much easier virtual than in real life though!! :0)

breigh also enjoyed playing the game. but at just turning three in june she needed a bit of help from me to get everything going. amelya didn't need much help at all with choosing and picking. but she did need help getting the wii arrow on to the right thing she needed to click on. but with more practice i'm sure she'll be a pro in no time.

the games are very similiar to the games on the computer and online. but that's what i LOVE. amelya is familiar with most everything and knows what she needs to do and GETS to do. i'm amazed already at her skills with the wii and how well she does at the games. especially the ones I think are going to be too hard. in no time she's earning gold cards and prizes.

amelya loves earning the gold cards and telling shaun about them. she also loves it when they tell her "you've earned a prize" she holds on with so much anticipation of what the prize is going to be. breigh gets excited with her as she clicks on the wrapped prize!

here is what jumpstart has to tell you about their new game::

JumpStart Pet Rescue contains 5 Discovery worlds where Preschoolers navigate through 5 stories in a search for lost pets.

Each Discovery world contains a guided story told by one of the JumpStart friends, leading children on a learning adventure through more than 70 learning lessons and activities that teach kids over 75 essential skills they need to succeed. As kids progress through the adventures, they improve their pre-reading skills, memory, creativity, motor skills, listening,and much more!

Key Features

JumpStart Pet Rescue immerses each child in a wildly imaginative and rewarding3D learning environment that offers hours of exploration and adventure.

As children travel through the different worlds, they play learning games to earn rewards. Children then earn storybooks that are read aloud to them.

Children are given the freedom to express themselves by changing the way they look, dress & by decorating their house.

Pet rescue and care are incorporated into the game storyline. Children can feed, groom, play with, and train their pets.

you can also click here for more info on the wii game.

you want one of these don't you? i know i feel so blessed to have gotten one. well you can have a chance to win your own.

wellll jumpstart is giving away 25 copies of their new wii game. just head on over to their blog for your chance to win!! it's a load of fun and i know you'll love it!!

hope you all go and enter. i'm off to get ready for the day and will try to be back later with a 'typical' rambling post. :0) before i go though i want to ask for a prayer request. i took the dose of cytotec on wednesday. nothing happened. my dr gave me another rx for a dose saturday. and nothing has happened. i'm assuming that means i'll have to do a d/c. so please pray something happens between now and when i call my dr this morning. thanks!!

i'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

whew. what a week. it's been almost an entire week since i've last had contact with most of you! crazy.

so. our weekend was great. we had my sil's bday party on saturday. it was fun. and cold. so that means instead of the beach we hung out at her house. before her party i set up my wildtree stuff at a natural store. i had a few orders and a few prospects so totally worth the time. my sister came and sat with me so that was nice!

sunday. the BIG day. we left for vacation. of course earlier that morning i threw a load of wash in. so we'd be all caught up when we got home. and of course i never check pockets. and washed shaun's cell phone. awesome. PRAISE THE LORD though...by sunday evening all buttons were working. and the phone is still working!! god is SO good. because shaun just washed his other phone last month. how embarassing is THAT. twice in about a month washing a cell phone. apparently this one holds up better to the washing!

after church we came home and packed. yes i said packed. i was leaving that til way last minute! plus it just worked out that way. i packed up our stuff...and didn't even forget anything. well except the pack and play for dustin. thankfully the hotel had one we could use!!

we got to the hotel at check in time. so there was a bit of a line. but you could look through windows into the waterpark and shaun and the girls did that while dustin and i checked in. our room was 113. right down the hall from the arcade and waterpark.

we decided to unpack a bit and grab supper before going swimming. so we did that. and then hit the pool/slides/lazy river. overall it was a great waterpark. i think the perfect size for our family. the girls LOVED the slides. we just held them on our laps. shaun took caitlyn though. i didn't feel comfortable enough to do her. we hung out at the waterpark a few hours. then walked around the hotel and played some games in the arcade. ((where by the end of the vaca we spent about fifty bucks and got a whole cool bag of plastic toys and animals. but it WAS fun!!))

on monday we checked out lambeau field. breigh thought we were going to see the packers. so i don't think she thought it was as cool as it was going to be in her head. but the kiddos were all free to go in so it was really an inexpensive thing to do for us. plus it'll most likely be the only time we go there. packer tickets can be VERY hard to come by. and we're not really huge fans.

when we got back from lambeau we gave the kiddos naps. i always try to keep them on their same schedule when we're gone. so after a pretty decent naptime. we hit up the waterpark. after swimming we did the supper thing at the hotel. and hit up walmart for stuff to eat for breakfast and pack for our picnic the next day. after we got back...it was the arcade.

the next day we went to heritage hill. i LOVE heritage hill. it's a 'living' museum. with interpretors in some of the buildings. so much fun. AND it's kids are free week til this saturday or sunday...so we only had to pay for us. and actually the kiddos are still at the 'free' age anyways. we got through most of the park. til it started raining. and pouring. and thundering. and lightening. not fun. so we checked out the gift shop. got the kids each a sucker stick thing. and me a box of salt water taffy. i LOVE taffy!! we went back to the hotel for naps. and then after naps friends of ours came up to visit. it was fun to visit. we all played in the waterpark and then went to red robin for supper.

wednesday was leaving day. :0( we spent the rest of our tokens in the arcade and cashed in our tickets for the bag of plastic fun! and packed up our stuff. actually shaun did most of that. i took the kiddos all to the arcade while he showered and then packed up. is it lame to say i cried when we left? i did. we had such a nice time. and i didn't want to come home. back to 'real life'. where shaun works too much and too hard. but we have too. i asked shaun to call in sick OF work. but we agreed it wouldn't go over too well. and that we probably don't have a cardboard box big enough to support our family in. so work it is.

wednesday was also 'the' day. i took the cytotec. i felt like yuck all day. so far nothing has really happened. i had awful cramps on wednesday. and some awful fun in the bathroom. (tmi. but seriously!!) but so far nothing has happened. i'm not sure how long it should take. i just thought it'd be fast. especially since i've already had this stuff before. it's the same thing they gave me to induce labor with dustin. so my body i figured would be used to this and 'know' what to do. i dunno. we'll see i guess. all i know is that it all seems SO much more real.

so real. i held back tears as i choked down the pills. which were not too big. afterwards i went to the bathroom and cried. like i said it all just felt so much more real. and it 'hit' me again. i wasn't having a baby. of course everyone seemed pregnant or having a newborn at the waterpark. but i don't think it's the case. it's just me noticing them. and i'm not jealous of them. i just feel that longing in my heart to be like them. so i pray that god gives me that desire of my heart. OR takes that desire away. if we're not supposed to have more kids i pray he shows me that. it may seem like a 'weird' thing to pray for. but to me it's not. and god already knows i'm pretty much weird. i'm sure he's used to it by now!

thanks to all of you for your super kind words and comments again. it's been a blessing to read some of your stories as well. i think it's important to share them. so i feel so blessed that you've trusted ME with your story!!

well i should get going. i have some pictures to edit from this past week. that i'll share with you all soon!! and i actually have forgotten to tell you all about a new 'job' i have. i've been hired by a local business to do some online networking (facebook, twitter, etc) for them. and design a blog for them. my requirement is to work an hour and a half a week. so because i haven't done it at all this week...that is what nap time will consist of today. i'll try to get around to blogs if i get time after that. but i can't promise it. :0) know that i've been thinking about you all and praying for you guys!! you're the best!!

going missing.

i've been super busy this week.

hence the lack of posting and non-existence of commenting.

BUT it's gonna get a bit worse before it gets better.

we're leaving for some MUCH MUCH needed time away tomorrow and will be back later in the week.

which means. no blogging from me. because we don't have a laptop.

if you're in complete and utter amanda withdrawal feel free to email me. because my phone has email...and facebook. :0) i'm sure my phone will be ringing off the hook...;0)

i'm doing pretty good. considering the crazy rollercoaster of a week i've had. through it all god has been so faithful and so good. and i'm just soaking in all of his great love.

thanks again for your prayers this week. and your hugs. i can't wait to meet you all in heaven and hug you for real!!

so adios amigos amigas....bye. :0) see you when i get back. that is if i don't decide to lay on the lazy river forever....

the update.

hey. sorry i didn't get the chance to update yesterday. we did the dr visit, picked up the kids from our friends' house and i literally turned right around and went back to town to do my party. i didn't get home til ten and was tired after the super long day.

so. to the 'results'. i'm really bummed to say nothing has changed. my gestational sac grew appropriately. but unfortunately there was not a yolk sack or baby growing. as soon as the ultrasound tech was looking i knew. part of me wanted to rip the baseball bat out of me and run out of the room and not come back. but i let her finish measuring up whatever it was she needed to measure. it was a different tech than i have had the last two times, but she said well i'm not seeing what we want to be seeing. or something like that. she said she looked side to side and top to bottom. and there wasn't anything. she apologized. removed the baseball bat. and went to find out if the dr was available.

i didn't break down. i think part of me has already done that part of the mourning. two weeks ago when i was told i was probably going to miscarry i bawled. did my crying. i cried yesterday. but not at the same degree i did two weeks ago. shaun and i sat quietly holding hands as we waited to see my dr.

the nurse came in about ten minutes later. i don't know if i have already said this, but i do not like my dr's new nurse. she is just way different than her old nurse. and a lot less nice? i don't know if that's the right word. but i just don't care for her demeanor. so we walk back as i try to compose myself. of course at that moment is when the floodgates wanted to be lifted. we cross paths with dr meyer and walk by the scale. the nurse i don't think knew what to do and said something about weighing me. i looked at her...i seriously thought about slapping her for half a second (very very fleshly i know, but i'm just being honest)...and i said 'is that really necessary?'. i'm so glad dr. meyer was still in the hall and said no. seriously. you want to weigh this pregnant but not really pregnant with a live baby woman who just found out. i'll tell you. i'm fat. not pregnant. carry on.

so after that awkward (i can't even spell that word) moment she took my blood pressure. which at that point was probably high.((i checked my levels and they were high! lol. but i know it's just because of everything we had just been going through)) i don't know. and she really didn't say anything to me. except dr. should be right in. she walked out. the look on shaun's face told me he felt the same way about her. he was really upset with how she handled things as well. and now i know i'm not way off base on not caring for her as a nurse. i'm really thinking about how to talk to my dr about it. ( at my last visit the nurse swore while talking to me, and also made a VERY rude comment i care to not divulge into. so it wasn't just yesterday )

anyways. the talk with my dr. one thing she said that i really just 'liked' was that she felt like she had been having this conversation with us too much lately and didn't like it. i told her i didn't either. but it was really nice to have her step out of the 'dr' position and be honest like that. my options at this point are pretty much the same. a d & c. or a pill. the pill is actually the same pill they give people wtih stomach ulcers to get rid of them. and it's also a pill that when you're full term that will put you into labor. we've decided to go with the pill. it's an 'easier' option. and i just don't want to do the d and c thing again. i also talked to her about us going away. we're going to a waterpark on sunday and won't be back for a few days. i didn't want to have to deal with bleeding and stuff while we're there. she said it's fine to wait til next week to take the pill. and of course in the mean time it could just happen naturally. the risk of the pill is needing the d/c anyway..but it's a very low chance of that needing to happen. especially because the baby's sack is only about a golf ball size.

the only 'advantage' the the d/c is that they could send it off to do genetic testing. she said that if she thought the testing was necessary she'd encourage the d/c. but she really feels all of the indicators point to a chromosonal issue with the baby.

i talked over a ton of stuff with her. progesterone levels was one of them. she said that she's had experience with taking them herself. ((i didn't know this until yesterday but she herself has had to miscarraiges in a row)) she said with one of her miscarriages she was taking the progesterone and miscarried anyway. and the 'studies' don't 'prove' it one way or another. she said basically low progesterone is more of an indicator than a cause. BUT she also said that the more dr's you ask the more opinions you'll get on the issue. the 'downfall' to taking progesterone...one of the ways is an injection. and she said it can cause you muscle to hurt like crazy (she did that one herself) and the other way is inserting it. well in an area i don't care to be inserting things. ;0) i think that if i want to take them, she'd give me the perscription to do so. she just basically said that you can't guarantee then you will for sure not miscarry. she also said that what could be done is right after i get a positive pregnancy test is to test it immediately and then we could start something if it's a little low. i also know if a miscarriage is going to happen, it's going to happen. so i don't know if it's even worth it then. you know? so i don't know. it's all so overwhelming. and kind of weird to be talking about being pregnant again, when i'm still technically pregnant.

the other test that she is going to run is a test that checks your blood for clotting. because that is something that just happens. she said generally the progesterone thing doesn't 'just happen' that i would've had issues before. she said there are two things that can just come up. and the one i was just tested for last time and was fine. the other test she thought she had run, but it wasn't. so once this pregnancy is over she is going to run that test. (the blood clotting one) so we'll see if there is anything 'physical' that is causing this at least.

either way i know it's all god's plan. sure i don't understand 'why' at all. but i know he knows why. and i know his plans are a ton better than mine. even when i think my plans are super great, his are super greater.

i've lived the last two weeks with a glimmer of hope that i would see my baby yesterday. but you know. i still have a hope. i still get to have the hope of seeing my baby in heaven. so yesterday didn't crush my hope at all. it just changed the hope i had to a different place. when i get to heaven i will have three babies waiting for me. i truly believe that with every ounce of my soul. we all get mansions in heaven. it says so in the bible. i think our family will have it's own block. ;0)

i want to thank you from the bottom of my toes to the tip of my crazy bed head hair, for all of your prayers. kind words. and even silence. it means more to me than you'll ever know. i know that i've said when i started blogging a little over a year ago i didn't know what to expect and figured i'd eventually just stop. i never thought i would have such a support system and family in a bunch of people i've mainly never met. and some who i won't meet ever on this earth. and lord willing will meet in heaven.

it floors me. it blesses my socks off...you know if i was wearing them...shaun too is blown away by it all. and i think that's cool. :0) he doesn't quite understand the whole blogging thing, but i know he understands the friends i've made. and to me that's what's important. on the outside looking in, some may just think we're all a little crazy and don't understand how you can connect with a stranger...but i say yes we are crazy. but oh man how you can connect with strangers. strangers who've gone through what you have. strangers who haven't, but pray. strangers who just care about other strangers. so strangers...i LOVE YOU GUYS.

i also know that there are some not so strangers who read and may not comment. know that i LOVE YOU GUYS too. ;0) because it's you in real life who get to give me and me you...the hugs. you get to wipe my tears. and i get to wipe yours. you are all so special to me. i only wish i had the words to express how much.

but i don't. i don't have the words to tell you how blessed i was yesterday after updating my facebook status getting text message after text message telling me someone commented on my status. shaun too couldn't believe all of you all out there. :0)

so often you all have given me some vitural hugs. here is my chance to do the same for you. so (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
and thanks. for everything.

through all of this i can still tell you. god is still good. and i can still tell you i don't understand the whys of life, but i trust and know my loving savior does. and that is what i rest in.

before it's off.

i wanted to say hi. before i shut my computer off. yep. off. i have some stuff i want to/need to get my house in order. because i am having a discovery toys party tonight. i've totally forgotten to mention it on my blog. i'm sorry!! so if any of you are interested in coming on over tonight, it starts at six. my hubby should be home and has said he'll watch the kiddos during the party. ((that means yours too. he doesn't mind. i asked!)) if you're interested perhaps in ordering here is a link to the catalog. you can just email me if you're interested in coming and need directions, or if you'd like to order, with your order. discovery toys offers you a $10 off coupon with a $40 order, for the new book in september. and with a $50 order you'll get a free re-useable tote bag. :0) i LOVE their toys. and games. and am looking forward to earning free toys.

it's crazy to think amelya is starting 'pre-k' stuff in fall. if you don't know already, i am planning on homeschooling. so i've already worked with amelya on a lot of things. but when fall comes i want to get a bit more structured. i don't know exactally how i want to do everything yet, but i've been starting to think more and more about it. she'll be four and a half in september. so it's 'time' to start a little something. i don't think i'll get too structured until first grade-ish. i'll start pre-k and kindergarten and gradually work into everyday for a few hours type of stuff. i'm excited and nervous all at once to be a 'teacher'. :0) really i'm a teacher everyday. all moms and dads are. our kids are watching us constantly and we're teaching them by our actions daily.

we had a busy weekend. on sunday we had baptism at our church. well technically not AT our church. we went to a local beach and had baptism. here is a link to baptism pictures on facebook. there were eight people baptized! it was a great day of worship and fellowship as well. i taped a song of worship as well. if you watch it, please disregard my singing. lol. it's a great song. enjoy!



tomorrow is my ultrasound. i've still felt okay about it. not scared at all. i'm excited. either way i guess we'll finally find out what's going on. i had another dream this weekend that they handed me the ultrasound picture of the baby and heartbeat. so i can only say i'm praying the dream comes true. :0) shaun is taking off of work to come with me. so it's nice that we'll be able to go together. a friend offered to watch the kiddos for us as well. so that works out super great. i also have a show tomorrow night. i'm nervous in a way. like if we get not so good news...i'll have to 'suck it up' in a sense and go to my party. but it also could be a bit of a distraction. i'm praying i'll be able to share with them the precious ultrasound picture of my upcoming baby! :0) yesterday at mom's group i was telling a friend there about everything that went on last week. she said that she was shoveling horse hay during the week last week and said she felt awful for not praying on monday for a miracle. ((my prayer request at mom's group last week was that it'd just happen naturally...i hadn't even considered the miracle factor)) i told her it was okay. and that many of my blogging friends had already been doing so! and that i felt bad doubting god COULD do a miracle.

so tomorrow we find out if his miracle will potentially live here on earth, or is already living in heaven. i can't wait to go and just know. i have a peace still about all of it. thanks for the continued prayers. and the appt is at two tomorrow. in case you want to pray 'at the exact second'. ;0) i will do my best to update you all as soon as i can tomorrow. like i said i have my wildtree party to do. so i may not get time until later tomorrow evening! just to 'warn' you.

alright i'm off. i just have to 'organize' the chaos in the house today. it's not really too messy. but i know having the computer off will help me from 'just checking' something. :0)

so have a great day. and i'll do my best to get back on track with this whole blogging and commenting thing after life slows down a bit!! i've been pretty awful this summer!!

ps. hope you enjoy the facebook pictures and video!

what i found out today...

is not a whole lot. but since you all have said you're waiting on the update i figured i'd better do that quick!!

i've forgotten to mention that amelya has been going to VBS this week at a local church. she's been LOVING it and comes home teaching me what she's learned. so sweet. we have to go there tonight a bit early so they can perform songs they've learned.

okay. the update.

it really isn't much. but it isn't bad. so that's good.

the ultrasound tech, same one i had last week...and i love her, said she's not sure why the dr. ordered this ultrasound yesterday. ((it was a dr on call..my dr is on vacation...or as they say 'out of the office'...)) the nurse apparently wrote down that my dates and ultrasound 'matched' last week. they didn't. the u/s tech said had the dr known that he wouldn't have ordered the u/s.

so what we did find out.

last week i measured at four weeks. this week i measured at five weeks. so my gestational sac is growing appropriately. it is still too early to see anything. at five weeks sometimes you do. and sometimes you don't see a yolk sack.

last week there were two spots on the ultrasound. i noticed, as did the tech, today there was only one. so the other spot 'absorbed' back into me apparently because i did not, and have not, had any bleeding.

the u/s tech brought up something 'interesting' she said that you can sometimes be pregnant with twins and one doesn't make it. your hcg levels can do 'funny' things. so i asked her if perhaps that other spot 'could have been' another baby. she said it very well could have been.

SO. maybe it was. maybe it wasn't. either way the sac that is still there is growing nicely. and how it 'should' be.

in a way the news is neutral. because your gestational sack can still grow even if a baby is not. but for right now i still remain hopeful that there is in fact a baby growing in there.

so now i wait til next week. still. lol. my ultrasound is scheduled for 2 on wednesday. next week will tell us for sure what is going on.

i did meet with the oncall doctor today. ((he was super nice and informative!!)) he said he could run hcg levels but it really wouldn't tell us too much. so i chose not to. i will continue to wait on my god.

but let me tell you this. i was SO nervous this morning. as we pulled into the parking ramp at the hospital. i felt this crazy overwhelming make you wanna cry peace. i felt it. i'm SO serious. it was amazingly beautiful. i can only describe it, as undescribable. because i should've been nervous and more scared then. but i wasn't. i can only attribute that to your prayers. thanks so much.

i also had a sweet friend call me when i was in the u/s. do you know when it was. at one. do you know when this sweet friend called me at exactally? one. i didn't tell you what time my appt was. so to me friends...that was god. thanks sweet friend. :0) you know who you are...you made me cry. and then laugh out loud hysterically. hope the bee sting is better. ;0)

so with that...i'm off to find some supper.

today.

so i have only a few minutes to post. i've been up alllllllllllllllllllllllllllll morning. since like five. with a crying baby. then sleep for a bit. then cry for a long time. then sleep. cry. and now he's sleeping again. it's been a long morning. breigh is content with sesame street for right now. and the other girlies are asleep yet.

i got my ultrasound moved to today. i actually called yesterday because i had two people ask me about progesterone levels and if they were 'good' or 'bad'. ((i had them tested last week. the level was 'okay'. not as high as it 'should' be, but definitely not 'bad' either...it was 10.93. i have not had it tested since last week))

because two completely different people asked me about it, i decided to call. only because then i would feel better and not wonder. well my dr. is on vacation or something. so the dr. on call ((who i've only heard GOOD things about...*whew*)) said 'the numbers aren't rising appropriately...you can come in earlier for an ultrasound to check viability'

the nurse who called me was super nice. and called me hun. sometimes that weirds me out, but it didn't with her. so i got in. today. at one.

it's so crazy. because since i found out i've been struggling with feeling SO scared. i have not felt scared this entire time. i know it's only 'fear' from the enemy. but it's still there. i just keep praying. and praying some more.

you know how you always dream what you're thinking about? well since yesterday all i've been thinking about is finding out bad results at the ultrasound today. to tell you the truth...i'm 'preparing' myself for that...only because then it will be 'easier' to hear...

well last night i had at least two dreams about the ultrasound. except...they were GOOD results. the one the ultrasound tech started crying and pointing out how we could see the heartbeat! and the other dream was that there were heartbeatS. twins. now i guess that is a bit of a scary dream too...lol. not that i wouldn't take twins. it would just take awhile to get used to the thought. scary maybe isn't the 'right' word, but the only word that came to me.

so it was just so nice to have 'good' dreams about it. in fact anytime i've dreamt about this baby it's always been good. i'm not saying that means anything. but it's also been really nice to dream something good. you know?

regardless of the results today...god is still so so good. he's still so faithful to me. and to you. he's also still so loving. and when i get 'home' to him...i'll see the full picture he sees and 'get' all of this. i'll be able to understand the 'why' of things. and i'll be shown even moreso the love of my father.

it's an awesome love. it's a love NO ONE else shows me. not even shaun. because as great, and awesome and sweet and loving shaun is. he's still human. he still fails me. as i do him. but god doesn't. and won't. so i continue to rest in his arms and not let the enemy get a foot hold of my heart and emotions. because anything the enemy brings is not good. at all. and everything god bring is good. all good. all the time.

so thanks for the continued prayers. i will try to update later on the ultrasound. and with that i'm done. the girls are now all awake and diapers and clothes are calling to be changed. ;0)

i'm okay...an update.

hey. sorry it's been so long. it's felt like forever. i've actually been not even turning ON the computer until nap time. it's been a nice relief. i have email and facebook on my phone. so if someone NEEDS me that way...i've had access. ;0) but it's also been nice to not even be distracted by the computer.

so. like i said i'm okay. and i'm confused. my doctor told me last week to prepare for a miscarriage. it hasn't happened yet. i'll be honest, i've been praying for it to just happen instead of having to have the d and c. ((i had that with our first baby...NO FUN!)) and with the last miscarriage it just happened. and as devestating as something like that is...it's a lot 'easier' to go through.

so because nothing happened over the weekend my dr wanted to check my levels today and make sure they were falling. and then if i wanted to she was going to give me cytotec. (cytotec is basically a 'drug' to induce labor, it's what they used when i went in for dustin's birth)

so i got that done today. they just called me a bit ago with the results. the results friday were 3974. today...they were 7770. yeah. i don't know. the levels are not doubling every other day like they 'should' be. but they've gone up. so now i continue to just 'wait and see' and i have an ultrasound scheduled for next week. because last week the sac measured at four weeks. so then i 'should' be six weeks next week. the ultrasound will give us a better 'answers'.

i don't know what to think. i am remaining as neutral as possible. because well...it's the only place to be right now. i maybe should've been that way from the beginning. because i've already 'mourned' this baby...what if i didn't have to? what if god is going to perform a miracle? it's something that i had so many of you say. "i'm praying for a miracle" it's honestly something i read, and went...right. a miracle. when my dr. tells me to prepare for a miscarriage i'm going to think i'm getting a miracle.

how foolish of me. i mean really. god CAN and DOES perform miracles. what if he is right now? what if he's showing those doctor's who's really in control. and i failed him miserabley by not even thinking it was a possibility. i never did. i just thought, how nice of them to say that. but i know it's not going to happen. maybe next time. we'll see. then today when the nurse told me that number. i was like...wait a minute. THAT is not supposed to be that high.

so potentially god is performing a miracle. either way he is or he did. i think each and every single baby is a miracle. it all depends if that miracle gets to live and walk on this earth or in heaven.

i know that not everyone shares each and every miscarriage. or even likely miscarriages. but i want you to know i did it. and i'm not sorry i did. if this child is living in me or already living in heaven...it's still my child. and i WANT to share it with you. with everyone. it's crazy to think that i have SEVEN children. doesn't that sound insane? lol.

so regardless if i get to meet this baby on earth or when i get to heaven...i'm still going to share them with you.

i feel like it's socially 'unacceptable' sometimes to talk about or share miscarriages. people follow some unstated rule that you have to wait until 12 weeks to share the pregnancy...etc etc. i never really followed that rule. most of the time at least someone knew. only a few people knew about this pregnancy at the beginning. mainly because i can't keep my big mouth shut about it. :0) so i had to tell someone. i was planning then on telling everyone after the ultrasound...then i could share the picture and go on our way with it. because afterall the heartbeat isn't the 'end all' to no miscarriages...as we found out last time.

so right now. i feel i should apologize for breaking your hearts...if i didn't need to. because i know how heart wrenching it was to write the words, i can only imagine that it can feel that way reading those words. so i'm sorry. i also don't regret sharing it with you. because i feel like you're all apart of my extended family. you're my blogging family. and family members pray for each other. when you ask me to pray for you...i pray. and i love knowing that it's returned to me as well. prayer is such a powerful powerful thing. and i take great pleasure in praying for you guys as well...even if we never meet on this side of heaven. but man...the other side of heaven is going to be so wonderfully great...

speaking of meeting on THIS side of heaven...lord willing...we're taking a family vacation to connecticut in october. yes like 19 hours in a vehicle. with four kids. :0) but we're excited. if any of you all live on the path from wisconsin to connecticut...let me know. maybe we could set something up to hang out for a bit. or maybe you have some spare room to give us for a night. :0) right. because i know you all have room for six extra people in your houses. we're thinking about stopping one night in a hotel to split the drive up. but plans are not set in stone quite yet. but we're going to go visit michelle. and her family of course. she is nice enough to offer us up her camper to stay in while we're there as well. so that means no hotels to pay for. although i didn't ask what she was going to be charging us...i'm not good at organization either michelle. :0) ((if you go and read her post from yesterday...that comment will make sense))

so like i said nothing is really set in stone. but both shaun and i are excited about going on a vacation. the kids don't quite 'understand' i'm sure. but they're bound to be excited about being strapped in a carseat for 19 hours. i'm sure of it. ;0)

but before october comes august, what's left of it, and september...and shaun has off a few days in two weeks. from monday to wednesday. we had some plans made but they got changed. so instead of shaun cancelling his vacation we decided to plan our own trip. right now we're looking at going to a waterpark hotel in green bay. it's pretty reasonably priced. but no free breakfast. and no kitchen in the rooms that are available. so we may be eating boxed cereal and sandwiches most of the time. it's okay. plus we know of a pizza hut right in the same parking lot as the hotel..so i'm sure we'll order in pizza once...or twice....i'm excited about going. i was bummed when the original plans were changed but we're trying to make the best of it and not take away the vacation that the older girls were excited about. i haven't made reservations yet, but i probably should...before the fun bunkbed room is taken...for the kids..not for us...

so like i said. i'm okay. want to know some fun stuff though. on saturday i was just sitting and praying. and god gave me a song in my heart...first off i LOVE that when that happens. it was refiner's fire. want to know one of the songs played for worship sunday morning at church? you guessed it refiner's fire. ONLY GOD can do that. he is SO personal. one of the lines of the song that hadn't crossed my heart was this line....'ready to do your will'. that's the line that spoke to me on sunday. i'm ready to do your will. whatever will it is. i'm ready. i'm ready to do YOUR will. not YOUR will only if it lines up with MY will. just YOUR will.

on friday night we rented a movie. seven pounds. not too bad. there was minimal swearing, we really need a new tv guardian (bleeps out the swearing). one of the crazy things was that two of the main characters of the movies names. ezra. and emily. it's no secret that our next baby, WHENEVER it comes will have an e name. the crazy part is. ezra and emily are my two favorite names for a girl and boy! when i was reading in ezra in the bible i read the 'introduction' page. it said the book of ezra was showing god's faithfulness. because regardless of it all...god is faithful. even when i'm not. he is. he remain. with his arms open wide. he doesn't stop loving us. ever. never ever ever.

so i just ask for your continued prayers with this whole pregnancy thing. my main prayer is that if it's going to happen. that it just happens naturally. and if it's not going to...then that the pregnancy would continue on greatly.

my ultrasound is scheduled for next week thursday. so i'll know more then. until then i continue to rest in my savior's loving embrace. it feels SO good here.

the post i never wanted to write again.

i'm back. this time not so chipper. i wasn't chipper before. i was anxious. i was scared. i was nervous. this time. i'm sad. i'm heartbroken. i'm at a loss.





you see. i was so excited to share with you that we're pregnant again. i was plotting and planning on how to share it with you. i knew so many of you had and still are praying for us.





i found out on july 21st. i had been feeling pregnant. and was SO excited to finally READ IT! i called my dr the next day. my hcg levels were at 21. on friday they were 46. so the numbers were rising like they should.





this week was 'the' week. i had an ultrasound on wednesday. i was stoked. i was going to see our newest little baby.





only problem was baby wasn't there yet. i was supposed to be six weeks. i was measuring at four. the ultrasound tech didn't seem to concerned. so neither did i. maybe my cycles were a little off because of the miscarriage in may. i don't know. it's what i was praying for.





i saw my doctor after. she seemed more concerned. she basically prepared me for another miscarriage. and to be 'cautiously optimistic'. so i was. i prayed. and prayed some more that the dates were just off. my numbers on wednesday tested at 3734. which is what you should be at around four weeks pregnant. so i figured...it matches up fine. today i had to check them again. today is the day i realize...it's probably not okay. the numbers should double within about 48 hours. my number today was 3974. i knew as soon as the nurse said it...it was not good. at all.





so here i am again asking for your prayers. to get through this again. AGAIN. AGAIN. i can not believe this has happened again. so soon. i was so elated to be pregnant so quickly. and felt such a strange peace and joy about it all. that it was going to all be okay.





you know it will be okay. agian not the okay i was thinking. but still okay. i have no scripture except that with christ all things are possible. with his strength i will get through this again. i'm so thankful for your prayers and continued prayers.





i have to wait to talk to my dr. to see what the next 'step' is. i've been feeling so crappy (sick). i have been sooooo tired. peeing all the time. everything always has seemed so 'normal'. til WHAMO. you're not having a baby. your body has been tricking you into thinking it was all okay. i have had no bleeding. no cramping. no pain. that's the part i HATE. i've had NO SIGNS of this. til. WHAMO. it all hits at once.





i hate it. i really hate it. wanna know what i hate the most. is i bought these super cute maternity shirts on sale this week and can't return them. they sit in front of me. taunting me. making me want to burn them.





so i'll share with you my baby who will be joining two more in heaven...it's only the 'gestational sac'. but i know my baby's in there.

the circle is the gestational sac. the triangle thing is a spot the ultrasound tech thinks was just a 'bleed'. i had her print it this way so i could jokingly tell shaun it was twins. then i saw my dr. and everything changed...

thanks guys. for everything. and i'm sorry to do this to you again.

350th Post.

insane.

350. i've written 350 posts. crazy.

sorry but i have no giveaway for you...this time.

i have one 'cookin' in my head though. so you'll have to just give me a bit to get it all situated of course.

i've got nothing much today.

there's a lot in my brain. ((does anyone ever spell brian instead? i just did, i have an uncle brian and always have to concentrate hard when spelling brian/brain....))

there's also a lot in my heart.

right now. i just can't put it all into a mumble jumbled mess of words.

i wish i could. because believe you me..it'd be a LOT easier to do so.

instead. i think i'll just copy and paste one of those fun surveys from facebook...

1. Who was your FIRST prom date? jessie

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love? well depending on how you look at this. jesus SHOULD be my first love. and since giving my life to him he has been. if you're basing this on my first earthly love...no. i wish shaun was my first earthly love. it would've made life so much easier.

3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink? wine cooler. i think. i don't drink now. and never have really 'drank'. i had sips of wine coolers. i will say i am so thankful to have never been caught up in the 'drinking' scene. nor have i ever cared to be. praise god for that.

4. What was your FIRST job? baby-sitting. first 'real life' job...bagger at a grocery store.

5. What was your FIRST car? grand prix

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today? sprint. telling me they got there payment.

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning? shaun. because it was 6:02. he leaves for work by 6:00 usually. oops. good thing he doesn't "have" to be to work at a certain time most days. lol. but i also was SO excited because dustin slept til 6:30. he's been getting up at five to eat lately. yay. but also bad for shaun, since his alarm clock (dustin) was a little unreliable this morning...


8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher? mrs. schweitzer. loved her!

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane? washington state the summer before my freshman year of high school. my friend was out there for the summer with her dad and i went to visit. SO FUN. and so many fun memories.

10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk? naomi. we aren't still 'friends' but we talk when i go to her 'spot' at the bank

11. Where was your FIRST sleepover? i'm guessing naomi's house? i have NO clue

12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today? shaun. remember i had to wake him up

13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time? my baby-sitters. it rained. we had 'dyeable' shoes on. my feet were green. lol. i was in fourth grade. it was cool...

14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning? nursed dustin. then went back to sleep til seven thirty when breigh woke up.

15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to? i'm not sure at all.

16. FIRST tattoo? don't have any. i don't have a desire too either i guess. i don't need a saggy looking picture on my body as i get older...and saggier...lol.

17. FIRST piercing? ears. and that's all i have done. in case you really wanted to know.

18. FIRST foreign country you've been to? none. zip. zilch. unless chicago counts. because to me in eigth grade it was a bit foreign...

19. FIRST movie you remember seeing in the theater? seriously? i have NO idea

20. FIRST Detention you had? never had one.

21. What was the FIRST state you lived in? wisconsin. the ONLY state i've ever lived in.

22. If you had one wish. What would it be? to raise my kiddos like christ wants me to. and that they'd all grow up to walk with christ.

23. What is something you would learn if you had the chance? hmmm. how to play the piano.

there. that was fun wasn't it. your eyes are bleeding i know.

well i've been trying to comment on your blogs. but some of them won't let me. it tells me my computer is sending out something to get something. or something. so if i don't comment. sorry. i can't.

so i'm off for the day. i'm tired. so i'm going to rest. or pass out from the fumes amelya is using to paint her nails with. seriously. that stuff is nasty.

where did monday go?

seriously. it's TUESDAY already. monday flew on right by...

we had a fun weekend up north. unfortunately it was a tad too chilly to go swimming though. so we made the annual trip to k-mart. yes there are still some around!! you won't believe that i actually took ZERO pictures all weekend. i decide to just enjoy the weekend instead of putting my face behind the camera the entire time. dustin slept awful on friday night though. that rotten tooth. which broke through. he now has one one top. and one on the bottom. on the opposite side. so saturday i was exhausted and actually went to bed when the kids did around 930. we made it home for church on sunday.

sunday we didn't have any plans. but some sort of just fell into our laps. we went to mcdonald's after church. mainly because friends of ours were there. but it was good. while we were there and all the kiddos were playing they asked if we'd want to try frisbee golfing. so we decided to do that.

i was not as bad as i thought i'd be at frisbee golf. probably because i don't have to catch it. all i have to do is throw it. and as long as it goes out and not straight up...you do pretty well. let's just say i had a mishap where i was pretending how i should throw. let go. and almost hit myself straight in the head. and dustin's. we brought all the kids with us. dustin rode on my back in the ERGO carrier. it worked well. and he slept most of the time. there was also a nice park there. so for the last three 'holes' the kiddos played while we could see them and finish up our game...

frisbee golf was a lot of fun. i think it'd be a lot of fun to get a big group together and have some sort of competition. pretty much because i love playing games and competing. ;0)

for supper. oh yeah. we had wildtree!! i got my new fall products and was dying to try out the skillet seasonings. so i made supper for all of us. using the mexican skillet meal seasoning. you just add hamburger. seasoning. rice. and voila. in about a half hour...SUPPER!! i thought it was really good. our friends liked it...i think. and AMELYA, my picky picky eater, LIKED IT!! so for sure need to order more of that. what is also nice is that it comes with TWO seasoning packets. i used both for us. it fed four adults. and five kids. with leftovers. so you get a lot. it also had a bit of spice to it...and i like spicy. ;0)

last night i made the cheese and herb skillet meal. again. super yummy. you add hamburger and noodles to this one. i made only one packet. and still had left overs. so shaun has had some yummy lunches the past two days. :0) to cheese up the meals a bit i also topped it with cheese. everything tastes better with cheese!! ((well at least i think so. and this IS wisconsin))

i have your mouth watering now don't i?! well you can't order these products until after the 15th. so just wait. and the boxes are all 8 bucks. for two packets. so not too bad at all. and like i said. they pretty much feed an army!! and don't have preservatives. msg. and all that other yuck in it. so totally worth it. if you're interested in the mean time you can feel free to check out my wildtree site by clicking on the button on my left sidebar!

today i must finish organizing the house. when i got home it all got thrown on the dining room table. so i finished most of it yesterday. but i sat on my butt too. i was tired. it was a busy weekend. and i always say...i can finish tomorrow. some might say: tomorrow never comes. well then...you're right. but tomorrow is today. and today i will do it.

and while most of my kiddos are still asleep...i'm off. i have to finish up printing off some wildtree labels for my parties in the next few weeks. as always if YOU'RE interested in a party let me know. i'm excited to share the new fall line!! :0)